General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
America is a melting pot of many cultures but in the end, we are all Americans. However, some cultures still have old-fashioned ways and insist that their sons and daughters, born here in America, marry someone who is the nationality of the family. My grandmother never accepted my husband because he was not Hungarian. She even tried to fix me up on dates AFTER I was already married.
I have lost a few friends to arranged marriages. My Vietnamese Friend, my Korean friend , three friends who are Macedonian, and a friend who is Albanian. When I say "lost friends" it means that once they marry, they either move away and some stop socializing with old friends and only hang with their families.
These friends of mine were born here, completely Americanized as they call it, yet they are forced to either marry someone of their parent's choosing or they will get disowned.
Have any of you had an arranged marriage? Did it work out? Was it a nightmare? Have any of you gone against the family and married outside your culture? Did you get disowned?
My middle brother did it. Me and the youngest said hell no and married who we wanted to.
They're still together after 5 years but he did have to ditch the girl of his dreams to marry this girl. My parents weren't gonna disown him but they made it pretty clear they did not approve of the other girl. So he caved, I just brought my wife home and told them she was gonna live with us after I was out of college and that was that, she wasn't my wife yet either.
Mom and dad were pissed but oh well. Then when we moved out a couple of years later, parents were even more pissed because they had bought a huge home thinking us kids would still live with them when we got married. Now they downgraded to a smaller home since me and the youngest moved out shortly after college.
Some kids will buckle and do it, most will say NO and just live with the consequences. And in most cases the parents come around once they get to know the spouse.
How cruel to raise your children in America and around the American way of life then ship them back to wherever just to get married.
My friend is from India and his parents are ALWAYS sending him pictures and emails from women in India...but they would come here. He'd never move back there.
Not the same but I dated a guy for 5 years whose parents were married in an arranged marriage and didn't even meet until the DAY OF their wedding. They hated me and never accepted me because I wasn't from where they were from. He lived in the US but eventually he moved back there to live with his parents around age 33 (when we broke up). I have no idea whatever happened as I have no contact with him but it wouldn't surprise me if they don't let him date.
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Re: Arranged Marriages
This is something I wanted to start discussion on at some point: They were not necessarily arranged marriages, but people, even in the US, from my wife's country always seemed to have a rule in their households that their kids could only marry or date someone else from their nationality. They never seemed to see it as a problem, even though one of our friends is now almost 50 and has never married because her mother (still living, and in the US) had this rule, and she could not find anyone from their nationality to marry.
This was a problem with us as my kids were growing up because ... obviously ... my kids were mixed. The kids seemed to be okay with it, but when trips were arranged or anything done that involved their parents help, my kids were not invited.
Now, it is changing in my wife's country as mixed kids are now seen as beautiful. It hasn't always been that way, and in fact, with many, they still look down on mixed marriages.
Ironically, of those kids I can think of from those families, thus far, only one has actually married someone from their family's race. Who knows, maybe my family helped corrupt those kids .
I have several friends who's parents had arranged marriages. I know a few people of our generation who had arranged marriages. It seems to work better in times past than today. Marriage is very different now with different exceptions and needs.
I was expected to marry a Jamaican, preferably the son of one of my parent's friends. I dislike Jamaican men, because most of them are very sexist cheaters. They want their wives to stay home, bear children and do all the housework, while they go out and screw anything that walks. No thanks!
People have the right to follow traditions if they want to. It is just as backwards for Americans to think that their way is best. I was not raised as if I was in Canada. That meant as a female, I was "second class" and I had no freedom. I was to be quiet, do chores and never date more than one guy.
Of course I rebelled against that nonsense and moved out at age 21. I was supposed to stay home until marriage. I told my mother "This is not some little Jamaican village in 1965. These are modern times in North America. You can be a long suffering slave all you want, but you are not going to force me to be that way."
"American" isn't just one way of life, which is what makes it awesome.
However, to raise your child in a land with freedom, but then say you can't have that freedom, is sad.
I just know my mom would have picked the WORST person for me. Christian, clean cut, dorky and white. Omg. No. you should have seen the men she used to introduce me to. Holy no.
I know, right? My mom was trying to push me on a Jamaican guy when I first started dating my husband. This fool had a child back home and he just wanted to use a Canadian woman as a mother figure for his son. I told my mother there was no way I was going to put myself in that situation.
She moaned to my aunts about me choosing "the white boy." Of course, all of that went out the window once my mom saw my engagement ring-she is very materialistic and status conscious.
I know a few people who've been married like this. They seemed pretty happy to me. What I've also noticed is that people who get married in this manner have very low divorce rates, don't know why really.
I know a few people who've been married like this. They seemed pretty happy to me. What I've also noticed is that people who get married in this manner have very low divorce rates, don't know why really.
I have no evidence to back this up, but my suspicion is that it's because cultures that encourage people to get married to please others also frown on dissolving marriages. How much freedom does a woman who got married off to someone she's never met before really have to divorce him, in a culture that thinks that marrying her off like that in the first place is okay? I'm sure it can work, but it's a different concept of marriage entirely. The way I define marriage and the way someone who isn't in love with their spouse defines it MUST be very different, since being in love is part of my definition to begin with.
They may also have very low expectations to begin with. If you marry someone with whom you're in love, you expect love to be a big part of your life. If love disappears, the marriage 'failed' in your view. But if you go into marriage with the mindset that "I'm getting married to satisfy my parents and to ensure property transfer" then there are very few ways to mess that up, unless your parents change their minds about what they want.
I hope this isn't coming across harshly. I'm not from a culture of arranged marriage, but I was rejected by one after 5 years with someone whose parents were married that way, and it made me cynical.
I have no evidence to back this up, but my suspicion is that it's because cultures that encourage people to get married to please others also frown on dissolving marriages. How much freedom does a woman who got married off to someone she's never met before really have to divorce him, in a culture that thinks that marrying her off like that in the first place is okay? I'm sure it can work, but it's a different concept of marriage entirely. The way I define marriage and the way someone who isn't in love with their spouse defines it MUST be very different, since being in love is part of my definition to begin with.
They may also have very low expectations to begin with. If you marry someone with whom you're in love, you expect love to be a big part of your life. If love disappears, the marriage 'failed' in your view. But if you go into marriage with the mindset that "I'm getting married to satisfy my parents and to ensure property transfer" then there are very few ways to mess that up, unless your parents change their minds about what they want.
I hope this isn't coming across harshly. I'm not from a culture of arranged marriage, but I was rejected by one after 5 years with someone whose parents were married that way, and it made me cynical.
You raise a lot of valid points. But I think there's a fine line between a forced marriage and an arranged marriage. With the latter, I think of the late 18th century/Victorian style courtship dating where a suitable suitor is chosen and they go on chaperoned dates to see if they have any compatibility between them. If they do, they get married because alot of them don't believe in the whole girlfriend/boyfriend thing. Love tends to blossom later on.
Most of them do come from cultures that frown on divorce but they are"westernized" and 3rd generation descendants.
I'm not too keen on the arranged thing either though, but just from what I've observed, they were alot happier than people I know who got married the conventional way.
My father's side is mostly arranged marriages while mother's is more liberal and chosen "freely". Come to think of it mother's side has more visible problems and divorce's.
Im not saying one is better then the other or I support one, just it is what it is.
I have several friends who's parents had arranged marriages. I know a few people of our generation who had arranged marriages. It seems to work better in times past than today. Marriage is very different now with different exceptions and needs.
I'm guessing a lot of the current mythology about love was invented by jewellers, florists, etc. In the past, marriage was strictly a business contract, and people treated it as such.
Getting to know each other:
Billy and Jane get to know each other for a couple months then they get married. They were pushed to get married very fast because people are going to sleep together no matter what, and having a baby before you are married would make you "damaged goods" that no reasonable man would want to marry. This is what a "shotgun wedding" is all about. The father of the pregnant woman would threaten to kill any man who knocked her up then didn't marry her because not getting married would destroy her reputation for the rest of her life. Women didn't really have jobs, so that's like being unemployed and sleeping on your dad's couch for the rest of your life.
Property rights:
Women were (and in some places still are) considered tradable property, similar to slaves. They are owned by their father until they get married, then they are owned by their husband. The father doesn't want to give his daughter to some random idiot, so the marriage only goes forward if he approves.
Personality conflicts:
Remember that this was a really big deal, and marriage was for life. It makes a lot of sense to have older and more experienced people make the choices. They can look at their own marriage and reflect on which features they wish their own husband/wife had. Young people cannot be trusted to do this because it's a widely observed fact that women tend to be attracted to men who are similar to their father and men tend to be attracted to women who are similar to their mother, and that includes negative traits like being a jerk or abusive. That means the same mate-choosing mistakes would happen every generation if the choice was always left to young people. This is also why there's often so much anger between a man and his wife's mother. The wife's mother immediately notices that her daughter's boyfriend or husband is just like her own husband, and she might not like her husband. Every bit of anger the MIL has toward her husband is also directed to her daughter's husband even though he didn't actually do anything to her. Oddly enough, this is almost guaranteed to happen because the FIL has the final say, and he'll probably like that his daughter's boyfriend is exactly like him.
Making lemonade:
Humans are social animals, and our ability to survive often depends on our ability to work together even if we don't want to. 100 years ago, the husband and wife both had critically important jobs to do. The husband takes care of things like money and fixing the house while the wife takes care of cooking, cleaning, making clothes, and repairing clothes. Each person's job took a considerable amount of time to do, so no single person can do all of it. Men and women really needed each other, so that builds a type of respect. A husband and wife were less like friends and more like coworkers. In a work environment, personality is not too important. It's possible to like a coworker simply because their skill at their job makes your job a lot easier.
Modern times:
None of the above stuff applies anymore.
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Arranged Marriages 
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I told my mother "This is not some little Jamaican village in 1965. These are modern times in North America. You can be a long suffering slave all you want, but you are not going to force me to be that way."
No. 
you should have seen the men she used to introduce me to. Holy no.
