Soonerborn

Hey everyone, im new to the forums. Life's challenges have brought me here, err go I have a bit of a tough one. First a little background and ill apologize for the length. This is 15+ years of "life" summarized

My wife and I were high school sweethearts. We are both in our early 30’s so that puts us at roughly 16-17 years together. We were married shortly after high school so we have been married the majority of that time. Early on we had the passion (hormones) and the newness in our relationship. I thought she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and she adored and deeply cared for me. At times, early on, I was the jealous guy. Yes it was dumb but then again I wasn’t even old enough to vote. After a few years that level of insecurity faded. A few things happened while she was in College that concerned me but not wanting to take a step backward I never asked her about them. Again, I chalk that up to insecurity. I was accused of cheating (back in high school). It never happened but the drama was real non the less and my ex-girlfriend was at the party.

A few years after marriage things started shifting in what I consider a bad direction. I still was as attentive as ever. My wife got full body massages on a regular basis. This of course often turned to sex for me. Keep in mind I was in my 20’s giving my wife a full body massage, lotion, low lights, etc. She still groomed me, gave affection, etc. Over the next few years her end of the scale began to lighten and tip more toward everything being my duty. The birth control changed her drive and before long sex was a chore. Still, she liked the attention so the head rubs, feet rubs, and massages continued. However, sex was something else all together. It almost always got a negative response and the quality began to tank. I quickly dubbed her “The sponge” because she always soaked up the attention but never gave it out. I still hail that as the start of the decline. She even laughed at the “Sponge joke.”

Over the years it has gotten worse and worse. Several years ago I started talking to her about it. It would typically come to a head at bedtime. We would lay there for a couple of hours and she would cry, “I’m sorry.” Hug, kiss, and cuddle and then it would be over. Things would be better for a few days and then back to the same old. After a while it became, “Why is it always about me?” All the while I still loaned for her, my own wife. Then it turned awkward. All I could get was the occasional guilt sex from her. I looked forward to it eagerly because it was the only devoted attention I got. By this point sex was 100% me. She got into it once we started but it took me giving backrubs and 5 “No” to 1 “Yes.”

I held fast in our marriage hoping someday maybe the pressures of life would relent and she would truly admire me again. I’ve always been very faithful, I’ve worked hard and provided, and I’ve always adored her. I’ve stumbled on for years and years in hopes that something would give and the woman I adored would return even a fraction of the devotion I showered on her. Nothing other than a clean house and dinner every night. I got that when I lived at home with my parents.

Life being life we had little ones. My girls are my world. One is less than a year, the other is three. I would give or do anything for them. At first my wife was the same way. She still loves our girls but her obsessive compulsive disorder takes the place of the family pretty regular. Her excuse is that the house has to be spotless and everything has to be perfect for her family. At first it sounds like she may have a serious illness with the OCD but through years of blind torture I’ve come to the blunt conclusion that she is simply selfish and her OCD is just a crutch. She had to have the best college education (big money) even though she had several full rides to public colleges. She had to have a certain SUV when she graduated for her hard work (I was ok with that). Then she had to have a certain job (even though I told her it wasn’t her personality) where she got to carry a brief case and wear high dollar suits, training, etc, it cost us $16k. After that she had to have a certain van for the kids (we actually got a good deal on that). And too many others to count. All of that wouldn’t bother me if she only cared about us.

Sure her OCD doesn’t help because she can’t go to bed if there is a single dish in the sink but in the end her daily ritual is far more important that I am, unless I quit being a paycheck or quit working around the house. I often hear how her hospital time (with our girl’s births) is the best in her life. She just gets attention from me and everything gets done for her, she gets to lay there and life isn’t hard. Yet when she is at home she wont take 5-minutes to do anything for herself or us. I have begged for years for her to get a hobby or any kind. Don’t get me wrong, she does work hard for us. She is one of the hardest working people I know. Still, she cant see why we would be more important than getting everything done, every day.

Currently I’m just in a tail spin. The lack of love (on her part) is so evident you can smell it. When she hugs me it’s just to pacify and is only when requested from me. She leans in and cleans her nails behind my head. There is a brief moment where she is motionless, she then gives me an awkward peck on the lips, an emotionless smile, and she’s off again. I have went as long as a week without this until I asked for it again. Bedtime she often wedges a pillow between us. She blames her back, etc. but the truth is she wants something between us to cancel any attempt of intimacy or any required attention on her behalf. Recently I quit talking to her at bedtime (which is the only 5-minutes I get to talk with her). I started laying down and going to sleep without so much as a “Good night.” After about 2-weeks of this she finally asked if I was mad. I said no and that was the end of it.

Unfortunately I’m an optimist. I keep hoping things will get better but after years of this, things are growing more and more stale. I didn’t think it was possible but it is. The majority of her conversations are with her parents. She calls them every night and will spend very little time talking with me. Everything is over the top dramatic, she blows up at everything and talks non stop about how bad life sucks. And what’s worse is that she would honestly be ok living life like this. She has told me more than once if we divorced she would never remarry. I believe her. She is strong and far too independent. She is truly happy having the second income and someone to call her husband but effort, the love, respect, and true warmth simply aren’t there……

Had things fell on this rigid of rocks earlier I would almost certainly have left. However, with the girls its now greatly complicated. Well, that and I love her and her family. I also criticize myself on a grand scale. I’m now bald, fatter, and have hair in places I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I struggle with my self worth. I’ve lost touch with who I am. I no longer write, exercise, use my artist ability, or even play guitar. Even though I still love her I enjoy my time away from home even if its just the commute home. It’s the only time I have without the deep hope that she will say or do something meaningful. I’m struggling just to breathe…..

I’m sure everyone’s knee jerk reaction will be “Counseling, Talk to her, etc.” Keep in mind I’ve exhausted every feasible possibility. In the beginning she says her, “Sorry” and then within a few weeks it’s the same old. She simply is not willing to put anything into the relationship. I fear she doesn’t love me anymore beyond the acquired fondness the years have so cruelly shackled us with. I still love her and sadly hang for her approval.

So at this time I’m not sure what to expect. The guy in me wants to hear, “Grow a set boy.” Yet there is that innate fear that tells me I should consider leaving no matter the consequences. I’ve even weighed the effects of leaving in hopes she would realize how wronged I’ve been and then everything would turn around. What adds to the pain is that she has that bubbling personality and can have a rank stranger eating out of the palm of her hand in seconds. Err go, no one is aware of my pain, not even my family. Because of her Beauty (she is truly beautiful) and her likeability it sounds as if I’m just complaining.

Right now, today, beyond my weak faith and my girls life is hollow…..

MrsVain

I feel your pain, that is a very long time to be with someone and like you said having children make it harder to walk out.but i have a few questions.

Is it just the sex? Or commuication and doing things with your wife too? I assume your wife is on some kind of treatment for the OCD, medication? counselling? is her low sex drive a result of that? have you talk to her counsellor? I enjoy sex also, but there are many things that prevent me from having it as often as i wish. one of the things is after cleaning up and running after children, then cleaning up the whole house (and i dont even have OCD so i dont mind a few dishes or a whole sinkload) i get exhausted and just want to sleep. Maybe sex in the morning with her, when she doesnt have so many distractions. And the other thing is if my husband has done something that hurt my feelings or i am angry with him, it is usually had to open up for sex when i am secretly plotting his painful death.

maybe work on yourself first then work on your marriage and sex life. if you are unhappy with yourself the how in the world can you make someone else happy, plus she might also have the same exact issue. maybe she is unhappy with herself and cant get past that to see your pain.

tell us more, what are you asking us for.

Sonny

Well I think he isn't asking for anything, just explaining his situation and expressing how empty he feels inside at the fact that there is no connection with his wife.

I say pull OCD out of the equation, do you think she still would be this disconnected? i'm guessing yes. She is just that type right? ok you aren't looking like Brad Pitt, but surely there must be someone else out there for you. I mean that is the only option I see for this poor guy. 1. Seperate/divorce 2. Stay miserable

MarkTwain

Soonerborn-

Don't worry, you will need a fresh set after I've finished with you

This was your first mistake.
You created a vacuum, she filled it, and you blew your chance to have a soap box.

Well, for a guy who wants more sex, I would say the above is a shopping list to work on. Most of the stuff above can be fixed with a little self respect and attention. What exactly are you waiting for? You see, nobody will love you more than you love yourself.

Well, here is the rub: she is pretty, and you have let yourself go. I'm not saying you need to be handsome and bubbly to get sex, but it sure helps. and let's face it, she is probably thinking she could trade up. It's hight time you hit the gym, etc.

OK, I hope you don't feel insulted, but I felt you needed the truth, not sympathy. You are absolutly right about OCD it is a crutch. People with OCD can often snap out of it when they want to. I have mild touch of it, my friend has it in bucket loads. He drives everyone mad!

Anyway, if you can be bothered, please read my article here, and see if anything matches: Sexless Marraige?

Sorry it's so long, I really need to re-write it soon.

__________________
MT

Sonny

Soonerborn,

I say you give yourself a reasonable amount of time to do the things you need to get done. If after that she is still the same way, stay and be miserable or make a huge change in your life will be your only 2 options left.

Good luck,
Sonny