General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
We were married last July, and she had a ten year old boy (now eleven years old). He was largely raised by my wife, a single mom, with "help" from her family, mostly the aunts and grandmother. The boy's father is no-where in the picture, except to send a present on the birthday and at Christmas (after being harassed by the mother, my wife).
Takeaways from yesterday...
When parenting our son (my step-son), I must first gain permission from her Mom and Dad and maybe one of her sisters. They have countermanded my instructions a few times, and argued with me in front of the boy about my plans or activities with him (yesterday it was to get him to help me move boxes of his things down to the basement).
I asked her for us to sit down with her family to coordinate and explain our parenting as a unified front. She replied that I do not deserve a "place at the table" to discuss parenting him with her parents and family until her sister decides I have done enough yard work at the “family” house that she owns a piece of (yep). I asked three times yesterday if we could discuss this with her parents and she refused.
I am trying to teach him everything I know about being a good man. I spend my time and money taking him to his activities; the only (unorganized activity) exercise he gets is when I get him out and do it with him. I take him and teach him hiking, camping, shooting, archery, and help him work towards his boyscout merit badges. I help out with baseball practice, play catch with him for 1/2 hour a day, and am an assistant scout master. He was diagnosed as pre-diabetic, and is obese, and frankly, weak. I have been "gently" teaching him about good nutrition. I am very conscientious about not being one of "those dads" or a sports dad, but I try to get the spark ignited in him by exposing him to fun physical activities (rock climbing at a gym) and positive role models.
If left to his own devices, he will sit on the computer for sixteen hours straight playing mine-craft and watching youtube. His grandparents and aunts give him ice cream and sweets in the middle of the day. His uncles, aunts and grandparents have never been to one of his football or baseball games (or practice), they don't take him on any activities or play with him in any real sense. They don't include him in any work, or involve him in any activities-they treat him like a 140 pound baby. Last year, he couldn’t tie his shoes, or blow his nose. I still have to ask him every day if he has taken a shower AND used deodorant (he went three days without a shower last week when he stayed with his grandparents for a few days over spring break).
The aunt is known to lie or exaggerate if it suits her, and she is actively sabotaging my standing in her family in retaliation for me asking her to modify her behavior towards our son (i.e. stop babying him, give him privacy in the bathroom), yet I must make amends and "win her over". This is despite the fact that I've been polite and nice to her for months and she ignores me entirely, or at best, grunts at me.
Despite the fact we are married and have a joint account (at my wife's behest), our finances are not united (news to me as of yesterday), until she can evaluate my credit card spending. I certainly admit that I can cut spending, but much of it is on the family and our son. Presumably, this means our finances may never be tied. Okay, my feeling is let's sign a post-nuptial agreement to this effect.
I'm very frustrated, and offended. I don’t want to give up, but I feel like I’m fighting this battle alone.
Unless and until your wife is on board with your desire to parent the boy there is really nothing you can do other than to disengage to some level to save your own sanity.
She's seems like a completely ungrateful woman, disrespectful and controlling too. If I was in your position I would've personally left her and her wacko family.
She replied that I do not deserve a "place at the table" to discuss parenting him with her parents and family until her sister decides I have done enough yard work at the “family” house that she owns a piece of (yep).
Is this just a way fo saying you are too new to the family.
This obviously was something you needed to discuss before marriage.
Do you support her son. Because if you do then you are being disrespected.
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She replied that I do not deserve a "place at the table" to discuss parenting him with her parents and family until her sister decides I have done enough yard work at the “family” house that she owns a piece of (yep). I asked three times yesterday if we could discuss this with her parents and she refused.
In other words she said "You have no balls and I silently laugh at your face every time I see you"
A husband who tolerates that kind of dynamic in a marriage is bound to become depressed. Depression shortens your life.
Quote:
I'm very frustrated, and offended. I don’t want to give up, but I feel like I’m fighting this battle alone.
Of course you're fighting this alone. You're the "loner" here who is getting stumped on. How did you end up marrying into such a family anyway? Were you that desperate? Are you still desperate? If not, then put them all in their place and pour yourself a cold beer while you watch them cry. That's how bad you need to change things.
I'm not desperate, but I did fail to mention the most pertinent fact. She is pregnant with my first (biological) child-due date is end of May. It is so present in my mind that I failed to mention it. If it weren't for this fact, I'd be gone.
I'm not desperate, but I did fail to mention the most pertinent fact. She is pregnant with my first (biological) child-due date is end of May. It is so present in my mind that I failed to mention it. If it weren't for this fact, I'd be gone.
You`re really going to need to study that disengaging essay I posted.
I'm not desperate, but I did fail to mention the most pertinent fact. She is pregnant with my first (biological) child-due date is end of May. It is so present in my mind that I failed to mention it. If it weren't for this fact, I'd be gone.
Even more reason to put her in her place now that you have an eternal link to this disrespectful woman.
Be easy on her during pregnancy, but destroy whatever "loser" image of you she has in her mind. Wake the alpha male in you and tell her to "take it or leave it". You have a long uphill battle ahead of you.
It's unlikely that she'll totally change, but for your child to grow up in such a marriage would be disastrous. The dynamics in your relationship sound very toxic and will have a forever-lasting effect on your child's future.
I read the Disengaging Essay-thanks, I think its spot on and I need to engage the disengagement drive immediately. It's funny, I read MMSL (Athol), and other men's blogs (RooshV, Heartiste), and it is hard for me to see just how completely beta I'm being, but so glaringly obvious to everyone who reads that, and to myself when I see the situation in black and white.
Sorry this is so long. I can't help myself. Somebody teach me to paraphrase.
For the most part, I agree with what everyone else has said and the Disengaging Essay has some really good advice. I just disagree slightly with the tone behind the advice. Whoever wrote it is suggesting you disengage because - like the author - you are unappreciated, disrespected, even abused by your stepkids and spouse.
Why does it sound like this is all about the benefit for the author when this should be about benefiting the entire family unit? While it's true that disengaging to an extent can save your sanity, that's not the primary reason you should do it, in my opinion. It's just the right thing to do. Although I know that most stepparents have their hearts in the right place by trying to immediately become a parent figure to their new stepchildren, it's usually the worst thing they could do.
My viewpoint is likely skewed because I've only lived two of the three roles in a blended family...stepchild (more than once over) and the mother who brings the stepparent into the family. Both roles had their own unique, seemingly insurmountable struggles at times. As a stepdaughter, I dealt with a very overstepping stepmother who entered my family like a whirlwind with no care for how it affected me. I still have a picture somewhere of her and me on Easter when I was 6 or 7... she'd made matching Easter dresses and my dad took a picture of us together. There I stand in ribbons and bows staring at her with a look of absolute hatred. The way she swooped in and tried to force herself into my life on her terms had an irrevocable effect on my childhood and on my relationship with both my mom and dad.
Believe it or not, I love my stepmom now, although it took adulthood and separation from her to be able to care for her. In fact, I was so sure I had let go of all resentment for her that the rush of anger I felt just typing that last paragraph took me by total surprise. I guess some things never leave us.
Because of my own experience as a stepchild, I was probably too overprotective and careful when I brought my own partner into our little family. I, too, was pretty much a single mom before, although his dad was more involved than your stepson's dad is. My partner also struggled with the stepparent right-of-authority/responsibility balance. And it IS a balance, IMO. A stepchild has two parents already (even if the other is never around) and trying to force them to recognize you as akin to a parent is unfair to him and to you. However, as an adult of the house, you are still a person in a role of authority and have the right to use that authority. However, I'd caution you to use it very carefully and wisely at first. Use it only when your wife is not there to be the voice of authority. Your stepson needs to always view her as the top authority. It's what's best for his sense of security and also probably for hers at this time, not just for your sanity.
But with rights come responsibility. I realize I'm in the minority here, but I disagree with the people who say stepparents have no responsibility for stepchildren. You have very little responsibility right now, true... but as your relationship grows with this child and your right-of-authority grows, so too should your shouldering of the responsibility. I'm sure there are some stepparents out there who decide to disengage and stay disengaged until the stepkids are out of the nest, but I would stay a single mom before I'd be married to someone like that. I guess I'm old-fashioned. I think the goal of marriage is to share it all...the joys and the obligations/responsibilities. Besides, how exactly does that work with 'one of yours, one of ours' blended families? Not very well for anybody, I'd bet.
So I guess my advice is to disengage, but to do so in a loving way because it's what's best for your family right now...not in a passive-aggressive "You don't appreciate me, so you can just do it without me" sorta way. Make sure you don't harm the feelings of your stepson while you're disengaging. Continue to build a positive relationship with him, allow him to feel some sense of control over how fast and in what way you are absorbed into this previously self-sustaining (especially with the extended family) family unit, and see how things go. He will respect you more for it in the end, and hopefully so will your wife.
It sound like things with your wife and her family are nearing a boiling point right now, and I'm not at all saying that they're not responsible. Even mostly responsible. But I think things will calm down faster if you do the disengaging and if you realize that maybe you played a part in getting it to this point, too. I'm betting a lot of your wife's attitude (which, I agree, sucks) right now is stemming from feeling protective of her son. Mama bears can be quite unreasonable in this state of mind. Give her time.
Thanks again to everyone for the great feedback. I should say that it was my wife who chose the busy schedule for the boy before we even met. Football, baseball, Boyscouts, piano, guitar, robot club, extra homework and sometimes judo. She is from Vietnam, and she is like the proverbial Chinese "Tiger Mom". I just jumped in where I could.
Thanks again to everyone for the great feedback. I should say that it was my wife who chose the busy schedule for the boy before we even met. Football, baseball, Boyscouts, piano, guitar, robot club, extra homework and sometimes judo. She is from Vietnam, and she is like the proverbial Chinese "Tiger Mom". I just jumped in where I could.
I'm guessing you're not Asian. Being a different race would explain why you're not respected or welcomed into the family.
I can't speak from my own experience, but I think you should take a hard stand and not put up with BS. My dad said that he had problems with his mother in law from the second they met, but he put her in her place and she hasn't been a problem since. She's welcome into the home as long as she's respectful. If she starts doing things my mom says not to do and starts saying my mom is wrong about everything, out the door she goes. She's welcome back when she finds her manners.
I can not imagine telling my husband he cannot parent our daughter (his step daughter). In the beginning, it was left to me, but it's been 4 years now and he sees how I parent her and follows suit...no checking with me. She's a good kid and he's mellow so I probably still do more parenting of her anyway.
But wow...your situation sounds awful! No respect for you as the man of the house, that's for sure.
Well, I started a new, better job last month with my company, we are looking for a new house (have been for nine months, but that's another story), and our baby is due in less than a week. I've disengaged as the article suggests, partly just from the extra hours I've been working. My wife (and presumably step-son) have noticed.
Last night, my wife started one of those 11 pm "talks" about what a bad father I am (I get up at 6 am and have been working 11 hour days, so I need my sleep). It went on until midnight. Basically, her position is that I must work to overcome 11 years of inertia, bad habits and in-law involvement. My step-son is not responsible in any way, and it is no one else's fault-just mine because I have disengaged.
I told her that I struggle with this, because while I want to do the right thing, I'm getting tired of getting kicked in the teeth (by her, her family, the boy etc) every time I try to do something. I told her I am not his personal trainer and entertainment director. She said that I give up too easily....funny. It's okay for everyone else in his life (including him) to let him get obese, inactive, inert, helpless and irresponsible, but its not okay for me not to clean up after them.
Forgive me, but I am reminded of the line from As Good as it Gets "I think of a man, and take away reason and accountability"
Follow up. I told her I promise to play catch with him EACH and EVERY time he asks me, but he must ask me of his own volition. This of course, made her angry because it gets to the truth of the matter. I pointed out that most kids and moms would be thrilled to have a Dad who would be willing to drop anything and everything to play catch with a son...but strangely, for her, this isn't enough.
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Frustrated stepfather 
