General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
No, he's not fat, we're just in the lowest point we've ever been in our relationship and I cannot stand the thought of being physical without our clothes on. I told him I do not want him touching me sexually, yet he continues to try to "accidentally" brush up against me or snag a grab as I'm rolling out of bed. This absolutely repulses me and makes me want to scrub my skin off.
I don't mind a hug or non-sexual touching, but when it comes anywhere near my "areas", I can't stand it. Why does he disregard my wishes and touch me anyway?
Last night I asked him pretty much that question and he told me that he needs to feel intimate sometimes, too. All I can see in my head is all those years that he denied me sex when I needed it, and now he needs it and I'm just supposed to freely give it to him? I think not.
I don't know how to get beyond this. He says he thought about going to counseling, but never called. I asked him to learn to type, which he tried for a week, then quit. I asked him to learn about improving the relationship, but nothing. It's just all about him.
my experience has been that it is never just all about one person versus the other.... even in times when I feel like it's all about my husband, when I stop, and really think hard about it, I usually realize , that it's about me too. It is very hard for anyone that is hurting, to look at if from the other persons point of view. I have had sex issues with my hubby in the past.... and we still don't make love as often as I'd like. But although it hurts me, I had to look at it from his perspective. Plus, he's got documented low Testosterone, so , I cant' exactly get that angry. It's not so low he can't get an erection and have sex, it's just that he doesn't want to do it very much. But I love him, so I try my best to think of it in terms of how it affects both of us, instead of just me.
I know how you feel bhappy.. I've been denied sex, in some form or another. And he's hurt you so long, that now your sexual feelings for him are damaged. The only thing that might work is some strong therapy, if you're so repulsed by him you want to wash yourself if he merely brushes up against you. That is a feeling that stems from deep deep hurt.... I have felt that before.
My hubby pretty much stopped sex altogether when I was pregnant, and it killed me. I cried every day, I felt ugly, fat, worthless, and like a non-human, non-woman.... after the baby was born, I had so much anger, and resentment, and pain... that I kind of felt the way you do, replused... but I realized I had to either forgive him, for hurting me so... or our marriage probably would not survive... so, I worked on it, within myself.. and tried hard to see his perspective on it. And after time, and with us being best friends.... I eventually forgave him, and myself, and I moved past it. We still don't have sex enough to statisfy me, maybe once a month... but it's better than none at all. And I know that he loves me, so I'm in it for the long haul. I feel for you, as it's hard to have the sex part lacking in any marriage, if one or both partners desire it.
bhappy3, I feel the same way! I thought I was a unique freak! However, my origin for this feeling is different. I see other women talking about 'wanting it more'...and I can NOT perceive this feeling. --I want to crawl out of my skin at the thought of being in that 'situation' with my husband!
louise... I am that girl that used to want it all the time and when I was in my 20's I used to think I'd want it forever and couldn't imagine my life without it. When I got married I vowed to myself that I would always keep my husband happy and not turn into one of those wives who always "had a headache." But things happened and I got very hurt emotionally. And the sex desires went away quickly. What is the basis for your repulsion? There has to be something that's leading you to not want it.
I'm not sure. It's not his weight...though I am not happy about it. I myself have put on 20lbs after a quick menopause! I think that since my drive is completely gone it causes me to feel repulsed. I don't even like to get undressed for bed, or come out of the shower in front of him. I get that freakin' smeark on his face and it has started to anger me! For some reason I feel more than grossed out, more than repulsed at the first touch of his toward intimacy!
I almost have a reaction that a person who has been raped feels. Yet, I have been lucky and have NOT been raped. So why the same feeling?
I've given him only part of my reason for not wanting that kind of intimacy. I can't see completely destroying the man by telling him what I've just said! We've spent .. closer to 3 decades together.. and if we could NEVER even think about this subject, if HE could never think of this subject,,,then we could live happly together as 'Asexuals'. Happly, really. Buddies.
And why do I feel trapped? Is it because of the years? Is it because he's ill now and I would be a complete jerk if I left now? He may very well outlive me, don't get the wrong impression. But as the years go on he will be more and more dependant on me to help with normal daily tasks.
However, my bloodpressure is sky high, my triglicerides are over 400 and I"m a walking heart attack! I had -several- of his family members come visit with us. All at one time! And they stayed for over 3 months! I was at a breaking point and blew before they left! With my husband. And it was ugly! They're gone. All's fine. But never again!!
I've spoke to my gyno over the past 5 years about my 'intimacy problems' and I NEVER get any real help. If I were a guy and told my doc that I had no desire for sex anymore, the doc would jump on it right now....ya know, 'here's some viagra, dude'. Pisses me off.
Sorry.
We here on this forum obviously have no idea what he has done to you bhappy, to make you feel this way.
However, we do have an idea what you are doing to him, and I know if for whatever reason my wife ever felt this way about me, it would literally kill me, put me in a place that I would feel 1 inch tall, a moron, a worthless piece of crap, etc..you get the picture.
If I was in your husband's shoes, I would have a hard time coping with it and would have a hard time living in that type of relationship.
FYI, my wife and I are both 30, have been married for 9 years, and for the first 8 years our sex life was good, but not great. Her drive was never even close to mine and I would get rejected a lot. We might average once or twice a week over the first 8 years. In the last year she has finally "opened up" and now our sex life is great. Yes, I still want it slightly more than her (I'm a guy) but we are averaging around 4 times a week now, maybe 5.
revitalizedhusband ,
This is why I do not tell him the whole story. My intention is NOT to destroy the man! If you met him I guarantee that you would think he was a great guy. Everyone who meets him thinks that! Everyone that works for him thinks that. And quite frankly, if I were not married to him for almost 3 decades, I think he's a great guy too!!
I know. It makes no sense. And I've been to every doctor I could fit into the calendar, from October to the end of December....when our deductable was met!!!! From a doc for my head, to my eyes, my teeth, to my intern, to my gyno, to a gastro doc (gotta love that colonoscopy!) NO ONE can find a freaky thing wrong! Well, except I have, er had, no vitamen B6 in my body, my bones are starting to show signs of a possible density problem on the way, and my uterus is just starting to fall downward....a possible side effect of menopause.....yes, menopause! I completely missed the part that women say is their sexual peak! I was waiting for that, and I was devastated 2 years ago when it happened. Oh so glad that I didn't have to mess with the monthly mess (I could have thrown a party). But then, a few months later it hit me. 'Hey, where the hell is MY peak. This sucks'!!!
And I'll say it again, if it were my husband running to the doc to say he was repulsed at the thought of intimacy with his wife....the doc would jump all over it and supply him with a little 'pill'! The industry wil not address the same problem in women. Do you know why?
Because no man wants their woman to have the same 'drive' as they do! Look at those 3rd world countries who circumsize their young GIRLS for just that reason. Then there is much less of a chance that they will have an affair on them.
I tell my gyno, who is a man, that I am sexually repulsed by my husband....get help, hahahaha
I tell my head doc the same, and get the same help...nothing.
So, if anybody had the answers to this I'm all ears.
I understand why bhappy3 feels the way she does....I don't know if her hubby can undo the damage he has caused their marriage before it's too late. I actually heard these words come out of a certain man's mouth: 'She'll get over it. She always does.' But, what if you wait too long??? There's always that straw ya know.
I got to that point with a couple of my long-term ex-boyfriends and there is definitely nothing wrong with my sex drive. My problem with them was that they were so mean to me that the thought of being intimate with them disgusted me. Now I'm in a marriage where I want to have sex and can't get it (well he does give it up if I initiate but it's really be nice for him to do it once in a while). I guess that's my payback for withholding sex from my exes. Go figure! I swear I think the reason I married him was because he was the first guy I'd been with that wasn't mean to me. Sure do wish I hadn't jumped the gun on that one! LOL
Hubby repulses me
