salihulu

I'm 25 years old and I have a relationship with a man I love for four years now.
I will apologize now if my post is too big it's just that I need to talk to somebody or I'll burst.

Let me take it from the beginning.

My bf and I had an amazing first year. You know sex anytime, anywhere..
This lasted for about a year (many say I should be thankful it lasted that long) and after that it all went downhill.. He quit smoking and started gaining weight.. At first I didn't think of it as something serious. But when it started getting out of control I tried to talk to him and help him realize what was happening. Now 3 years later he's got really round and i have been through any possible stage to wake him up. I am concerned about his health but also I can't deal with the fact that we live together and we have sex once a month or every two months..

Since he insists the route of our sex problem are his extra pounds I tried cooking healthier for him but he would just come home and cook something else most of the times..
We bought equipment to work out at home since he is working many hours a week but barely does anything. Not even on the weekend.

I ended up screaming at him, which only made everything worst and lately i'm in a zen mode.. Almost too much which in my eyes comes out as indifference.

Couple weeks ago we had a serious talk (again) and I explained to him that I really miss how we were and that the no sex thing is killing me. I am so young and i feel i'm not living my life the way I should/want. He makes me feel so unwanted. I am trying to approach him but if the kisses become to intense he just pushes me away. Lately im not even trying cause it hurts too much afterwords.

I haven't gained any pounds, I work out every day and my diet is balanced.

EleGirl

You are not happy. You are not married. Your best bet is to end this relationship.

He is obviously not a happy person either. He'll lose the weight if and when it becomes important to him.

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salihulu

So there is no way to change this situation?
Other than that our relationship is pretty good most of the time..

clenzemary

You have determined what you want in this relationship and you seem not to be getting it.What else do you need to convince you that it would not work?If after the serious talk you said you had together , things did not change, what guarantee do you think you hanve to believe that the situation would change after your marriage?However, I wish to clearly state here, that marriage goes beyond ''just sex.'' My advise is therefore limited because you did not say much on those other vital issues

Prodigal

ABSOLUTE AND UNEQUIVOCALLY ... NO! It isn't the "situation" you want to change, it is him. Believe this: there is not a single human being on this planet who has the power to change another human being, short of putting a gun to someone's head and threatening them with imminent death.

He probably has an eating addiction, or else he is very depressed and trying to self-medicate with food. Regardless, all you can do is suggest counseling. If he refuses, I would suggest you leave ASAP.

You have this one short, precious life. Quit wasting it trying to change someone else.

Take care of yourself. You are all you have.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

salihulu

Well it's not picture perfect but my feelings towards him have not changed. I am crazy about him. Our communication is not the best but after four years I know him and he knows me. We had this talk about a month ago. He has cut down the portions of his meals and hopefully he will have time to exercise. Though I have given many chances and he always says he will change.. But I do think sex is an important and vital ingredient in any relationship. And lately I am flirting (just fooling around) with other men.. Just to feel confident.. I mean yes he kisses me and cuddles and says he loves me, he buys me things and we often go for trips but somehow it's not enough..
Am i too greedy?

clenzemary

Whatever be your flirting level,I need to say emphatically that it is an anomaly.Sad as it were, the situation(flirting) is not likely to change even if your partner trims down completely or after marriage. You know why? Those who toil with other peoples emotion often get their own fingers completely burnt in the process.Why waste more time in this relationship when it is abundantly clear you are not getting what you expect and (to make matters worse) are not patient to see if the desired change could occur .

salihulu

You are completely right about the flirting thing.. But it makes me feel wanted again. I have been patient. For 3 years now. How much is enough? And what if nothing changes? How long should I wait for him?

clenzemary

You have to clearly determine what you want in this relationship. Is it to satisfy you ego of being wanted by other men or a more lasting relationship based on trust, selfless love and true satisfaction among other ?

salihulu

I want the long lasting relationship based on trust, selfless love and true satisfaction among other but I also wanna feel wanted by my boyfriend. But I am afraid that since nothing changed in the last 3 years nothing will change now.. I show him my support and I stopped nagging about the sex thing.. I really want things to change..