General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband and I had a micro vacation just the two of us, kids at home. It was great to reconnect, especially without the distractions of everyday life. We've been married for twenty years and have worked together for most of them. Everything was going great until the last night when I dressed up in what I considered to be sexy lingerie. Now I know I'm a few pounds overweight (25 maybe), but I get hit on all the time at my retail job. It made me feel horrible that my husband didn't seem to be the least bit excited about the effort. Instead he made me feel horrible after I reacted to his lack of reaction by saying "maybe I shouldn't have bought this outfit. It makes me look fat." He said "throw it away then." I was so disappointed and upset about it. He also told me that if I felt that way, then I should use my exercise machine. I cried that night, and he really didn't seem to care a whole lot. Eventually we had sex anyway, but I haven't forgotten about it. Any suggestions? I have already started to cut down on my intake of food. I'm hoping to start exercising soon, but I have an injury I'm still recovering from. THANK YOU!
Your husband could have been more sensitive in his communication; honesty without compassion is cruelty. He needs to own up to that part. But let’s be honest and own up to your part in this: YOU threw out the comment of "maybe I shouldn't have bought this outfit. It makes me look fat." If you don’t want your husband agreeing with you, then DON’T throw that kind of talk out there. If you don’t want honest communication, then DON’T solicit it by throwing that type of baiting comment around. If you just want meaningless compliments, ask different questions (and yes, him responding to your statement with “No, it doesn’t make you look fat” WOULD BE MEANINGLESS, because it wouldn’t be truthful).
I see this type of communication style a lot, primarily in women. Maybe it’s a man thing, but I never ask questions I’m not prepared to hear honest answers in response, and I EXPECT my wife to always be honest with me. I’ve asked my wife if I was getting fatter in the past (or if an embarrassingly tight shirt was “too tight” on me, IE: tight around my bulging gut), and she said YES, with a sly smile, and of course added “But I love you just the way you are”. Did that make me cry? NOPE. Was I outraged that she was honest in her answer? NEGATIVE. I was glad she gave it to me straight and in fact it motivated me to get back into the gym, and now I get comments AND COMPLIMENTS all the time from my wife about how fit I am looking. Had she given me some meaningless, untruthful platitude, like “Oh no honey, you are fit as a fiddle”, I’d know she was full of it AND I would never have that motivation to be as fit as I am today In short, I can’t respect my partner if she placates me and isn’t honest, even about embarrassing things; she’s my partner in life after all, and I rely on her for her honesty. FRIENDS YOU CAN LIE TO, but not your soul mate
This reminds me of a segment from the series 30 Rock where a new television station is trying to figure out ways to get MORE WOMEN to watch. One of the producers comes up with an idea where women can order (a la pay per view) “porn for women”….which is a handsome man, simply speaking directly into a TV camera with “Yes……uh huh….wow, that’s very insightful…..of course you are beautiful….let’s talk about your feelings….yes, that makes you look really thin….”. Sounds like they were right on the mark
EDITED: By the way, what your husband said ab out the exercise machine, is TOTALLY something my wife would say....in a cheeky manner! Was your husband joking, or saying that tongue in cheek? After a big meal my wife will usually say "Boy we better get on that treadmill when we get home", and I always laugh....because she's right. I don't know your husband from Adam but I wonder if that's just his sense of humor that maybe rubbed you the wrong way.
EDIT #2: Jeez, sorry, I never really offered any helpful advice on what to do, as you ask in your post. I would suggest talking to your husband IN A LIGHT HEARTED MANNER, and tell him what you told us: that his comment was a bit stinging and he could have been a bit nicer about it....but you understand WHY he said it, and you plan on doing something ABOUT it. Ask him if he wants to go for a run or walk with you to start the weight loss process....then jokingly pat his belly and say "After all, it's not just lengere that bulges in the center". I LOVE working out with my wife, personally: it brings us closer together and we challenge each other. Anyway, that's all I got (and this is my last edit, i swear).
I guess I prefer an honest opinion in any other circumstance. Coming out in lingerie, I didn't expect that sort of response, and it certainly ruined the mood. I'm actually honest to a fault. I just didn't know how to react to his lack of enthusiasm...hence the fat comment. If I sense what's going on, somehow I think it will hurt less if I beat him to the hurtful comment. I guess I just didn't expect him to agree, but at the same time the look on his face said it all. He didn't have to make a meaningless compliment...no matter what he would have said it would have been unbelievable.
No, he wasn't joking about the exercise machine. I felt like it wasn't the time to be having a frank discussion about my appearance. I'm having a few health related issues right now too that impact my diet and exercise. I'm hoping to get those things under control very soon.
I guess I love my husband no matter what he looks like. It's the attraction to his inner self that turns me on, not really how he looks. Apparently that is not the case with him which is a shocker to me especially after all these years together. It's not like he's ever complimented me a lot, and I was a real looker (I have the award to prove it and some tell me I still am). This really hurts, and I refuse to allow him to see me unclothed for the foreseeable future. If it's dark, maybe... I can always go back on my crash diet where I lost 27 pounds in 23 days. I'm tempted. Can't he just love me for who I am?
That's how I felt, but I'm not sure what to do about it now. He thinks I should just accept that he's not good with things like that. What does that mean?
Yes, all men should be thrilled for their women to try and please them as impossible as that can be at times apparently! Thanks for the pep talk!
First let me say, I bet you looked a sexy tigress in your new lingerie!! And I do agree with TG.
And now, I'm sorry my fellow female poster, I feel myself wanting to ask this..... do you mention your weight or complain about looking fat to him often? While there are some men who may lose sexual attraction with weight gain, I do wonder if this could be related to confidence? To make a comment like that after his lack of response (boo! ...silly man!), certainly has me wondering if you were feeling like the sexy fox you are, or if you were actually feeling self-conscious before his reaction, or lack thereof. Confidence maketh the sexy, or something like that. And when feeling that way, it's hard to resist.
The men hitting on you in retail aren't privy to the complete you - the confident moments, the insecurities, the self-consciousness, the comments about your outfit making you look fat. But your husband is and he might have reached a threshold.
On the other hand, if I'm completely mistaken, you have permission to grab my tail and swing me off the top of the building. I'll land firmly on my feet and you'll still be looking foxy in your lingerie.
I find this an incredible FAIL by this man. There are opportunities to really show how much you appreciate the person that means the most to you in this world and he not only missed it he snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. It would be sad if it was not cruel. I honestly don't get this. This was more than insensitive.
I reread this in hopes to find something positive. I think you were hoping for a reaction to top things off which was a reasonable expectation. You showed your disappointment which is natural. His response was insensitve. Perhaps he felt you were putting yourself down. Idunno. But his reaction was less than optimal. He obviously is lacking some people skills here. I wish I could just smack him on the head and say "what were your thinking?"
I agree you should not complain about your weight. Be confident. Maybe he was reacting to how you feel about yourself. No excuse for him. This was not what he was supposed to say. You both lost a great opportunity. That is a shame.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-10-2012 at 10:19 PM.
This really hurts, and I refuse to allow him to see me unclothed for the foreseeable future. If it's dark, maybe...
I really am sorry. He definitely could have handled this more sensitively. I think you should throw the outfit out. Just cherish yourself in all your naked glory instead!
While I do understand how some can lose sexual attraction with change of weight (increase and decrease), if you were my friend, I'd want to shake you and say you're beautiful as you are and please don't succumb to this way of thinking. If you want to lose weight and get healthier, then do that...but please know your self-worth is beyond men from your retail job flirting with you, or your weight, or that particular outfit. Easier said than done. Please try not to allow yourself feel put down by this.
I dressed up in what I considered to be sexy lingerie
Real question: was it actually good lingerie or did it suck?
My gf tried this before and I thought it was a total failure most times. A tank top and boyshorts look a lot better than a "babydoll" outfit. The reason for this is very simple. We interpret a person to be the shape of their clothes. What does a corset look like? Perfect hourglass shape. Normal underwear? Looks like you. What does a babydoll or tit curtains look like? They look like obesity. They're snug just below the breasts then they flare out at the belly. That gives the illusion that a person is 50 pounds heavier than they really are. I don't know why women act like they don't know this. Flaring out to make things look bigger has been an important part of dress design for the past trillion years; they flare out at the hips to make the hips look bigger.
If flaring out at the hips makes your hips look bigger, then flaring out at the belly makes your _____ look bigger. Think of it like an SAT question.
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It made me feel horrible that my husband didn't seem to be the least bit excited about the effort.
Think of it like if he tries to fix your car when it's not broken and he ends up breaking it in the process. Sure he meant well, but you'll still be mad at him.
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"maybe I shouldn't have bought this outfit. It makes me look fat."
Is it a babydoll? If so, yes it makes you look fat. Sorry you had to learn the hard way.
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He said "throw it away then." I was so disappointed and upset about it.
Yes you should throw out bad lingerie for the same reason I should throw out shirts that have holes. I always end up wearing it even when it's in the do-not-wear drawer.
His advice seemed pretty solid. If you feel fat, you should do something about it. The absolute worst thing he could possibly say is "no you're not fat" because then it lowers the bar. A friend should encourage you to succeed rather than reassuring you that it's ok to fail. I probably would have dropped out of university if my friends said "don't worry" instead of "dude you gotta try harder"
ShawnD: I agree about the babydoll outfit! Nobody looks good in one - even a skinny gal! That style dress is hideous too. Women look pregnant or just plain fat at any size in them.
We had gone to a toy/lingerie shop that night and I picked out two outfits. I gave him the choice of colors. He chose the electric blue off-the-shoulder fitted 100% lace dress which covered the buttocks easily. The lady who sold it to me was sad that I purchased it, because she had been thinking about buying it herself.
I have a flat (and I mean flat) stomach. I am a 38DD and NOT saggy. My extra weight has accumulated a bit more on my legs, but basically evenly. Most people have no idea how much I weigh because I'm all legs and 5'8" tall. I hide it fairly well. I'm usually pretty confident.
Thanks Posse...I hope your wife will someday do that for you in an outfit that's not anything like a babydoll one!
Heartsbeating I would never grab your tail and fling you off a building. I'm thinking I share too much information with my husband. That's a sad statement, but I'm beginning to think it's true.
Yes Entropy3000, my husband definitely lacks people skills. He would tell you that too.
Something similar happened to me and it nearly did me in. In fact, that very night I found TAM because I needed to vent.
I know how much this hurts. Now you will be more self conscious about your body,I know I am. Keep this in mind, lose weight if you want to and do it for you.
I told my husband that when I lose this weight, if he starts to grope me and want sex again, I am going to punch him in the face while wearing heavy rings.
I have a flat (and I mean flat) stomach. I am a 38DD and NOT saggy. My extra weight has accumulated a bit more on my legs, but basically evenly. Most people have no idea how much I weigh because I'm all legs and 5'8" tall. I hide it fairly well. I'm usually pretty confident.
Nice. A friend of mine had that sort of shape. She was fairly "overweight" but it wasn't a problem because she still had an hourglass shape. Big legs, big ass, tapered waist, big boobs. She lost a bunch of weight recently and I actually think she looked better fat.
Wow. Definitely time to communicate. He could have discussed this with you with more tact, especially since he knew you had bought the lingerie, and even helped pick it out. Maybe he was expecting you to do more than just wear the lingerie? Maybe this is a passion/intimacy problem? It needs to be communicated somehow, because it might be about more than just your weight gain. The only way to have those open lines of communication is to open them. Tell him he hurt your feelings, and why. Just curious... did you just walk out in it, or was there seduction of some sort?
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Advice on Insensitive(?) Husband 
In short, I can’t respect my partner if she placates me and isn’t honest, even about embarrassing things; she’s my partner in life after all, and I rely on her for her honesty. FRIENDS YOU CAN LIE TO, but not your soul mate 
Re: Advice on Insensitive(?) Husband 
