moxy

One should never nag and point out faults without provocation. We don't treat our friends this way, why do so with our spouses? Problems and grievances should be raised in a reasonable context; example: either "honey, we have a problem..." or "oh, you're asking me if I'm bothered about something and if it has to do with you, well, actually..." would be better than constantly cutting someone down with criticism and complaint. Men do this and we call them abusive, but it's equally abusive when women do it because it slowly erodes a partner's self-esteem. I'm not saying one shouldn't complain, but nagging is not conducive to a good relationship environment.

I have to say that the idea of pride does matter in this conversation. I think that the OP wanted to indicate that if you take care to puff up your man's pride, he will be a better man. Or, maybe that if you don't wound his pride he's more likely to be a better husband. While I do think that culturally, men are encouraged to be expressive of their pride, that puffing it up for them is more like enabling their stasis that actually being supportive of the relationship. It's like saying "hey ladies, if you always kiss your husband's butt, he will treat you like a princess!" Unfortunately, it isn't true, because it teaches him to rely on her adoration for his self-esteem and that can become abusive when the resource is lacking. Also, it implies that it's the woman's job to make sure that the relationship is going well and that just reinforces the feeling women are too often stuck with, that they have to be the ones to make the marriage work. Pride is important. We should earn it. We should not cut down the spouse's pride without good reason and we should not tolerate their cutting ours down without reason. Respect has to be mutual. And, so does consideration.

endless grief, you're being considerate of your husband's feelings. That is loving and supportive.

Respect for another includes things like consideration and acceptance of strange habits...but just puffing up a guy's ego seems insincere and ultimately self-defeating. OP. Can you tell me the difference between what you think is the male need for love and the female need for respect and why you see those as separate? Are you, in fact, suggesting that women should inflate their partners' egos? Or, are you saying that women should be considerate of their partners? (And, why do you not give the same advice to men in your post?)

__________________
"He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it." -Martin Luther King, Jr.

"“We first crush people to the earth, & then claim the right of trampling on them forever, because they are prostrate." -Lydia Maria Child.

Tangent

To me respect is not the same as puffing up ego or pride. Respect is to treat as an equal (not better than). I think men and women are wired differently, and I think a woman showing a man respect is roughly analogous to a man showing a woman tenderness and affection (showing love if you will).

In my case, forms of disrespect I feel my wife have shown me include her unilaterally deciding to change major plans or events that affected me, that we had previously agreed upon: wedding plans, major house work/renovations, demanding I do things on her schedule, nagging me until late at night when I'm trying to get to sleep for an early morning at work. It's essentially saying that my opinion doesn't matter, I am supposed to do whatever she says, whenever she says. This is hardly a case of me expected to be treated as a superior.

DianaAgron

I agree that both partners need respect and that both partners need love. I’m in no way implying that one is more superior then the other.
I’m not encouraging anyone to manipulate their partners with evil intent. I prefer to see it in a more positive light. Understanding each other’s needs and providing it can only result in a better outcome for both parties.

This is what I mean.

It’s understanding that most men –not all men - are wired differently than most women.
This is why I posted this. There is a lack of understanding from most women how much respect means to a man.
You understand what I mean.

This is not a hypothesis that I’m sharing here. You will find that this is how the real world works. Call it what you want but this applies to 90% of relationships out there. It just works. You can question the political correctness of my point but it doesn’t change the bottom line.
What a guy hears when you say this is: “I will love you when you’ve earned it.” Most women would be outraged and utterly hurt if you said this to them. Now, this is how a guy feels.

I’m glad you are both content in your marriage. More power to you. I would be curious to see what your wife’s opinion of this thread would be.
I’m in no way suggesting that you should inflate anyone’s ego. It has to be genuine.

Yes, I am saying that women should be considerate of their partners. Understanding that a man is conditioned from an early age to be the provider and protector of the family is important. Most men feel this responsibility. They feel that the responsibilty of the whole family lies on their shoulders. That the buck stops with them. They will never tell you this.

And most men feel that they are inadequate inside. It’s like a secret that they don’t want anyone to know. They will put on a brave face and do what they can. When a woman disrespects a man, she is challenging his role and identity as the protector/provider. This strikes at the core of who they are.

This is why in most cases, for most men, respect is highly regarded.

I can start a thread on how men can improve their relationships by being more loving and respectful towards their partners but we all know that this has been thoroughly covered. I’m just trying bring some balance back into the picture.

I think women need to hear this as it’s been drowned out with the feminist movement giving the word “respect ” a dirty word, making women fear that if they give a guy too much respect it will go to his head and that he will abuse any “power” that’s given to him. Holding back on giving him respect otherwise he will take advantage of you.

In reality this does the opposite.

There’s always going to be some men out there that no matter how much respect you give them it will never change anything but these are the exception then the norm. They obviously have deeper issues that they need to deal with.
I’m glad you understand what I’m saying here. As I mentioned above, men can be loving and tender till the cows come home but if she doesn’t know how to return his affections in a way that means something to him, then it can be a one way street underneath the surface of what seems to be two people mutually loving and respecting each other.

Maybe sit her down and let her know that when she is doing these things, you find it disrespectful and that it hurts you. This is a language she will understand.

nice777guy

tacoma

I agree with the OP 100%.

Trouble is, not all men are worthy of respect but often feel entitled to it anyway.