Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend
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Old 04-11-2012, 03:30 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend

O k this is a very difficult situation my wife has been harassed by her ex boyfriend I found out by accident when I took her phone instead of mine (we both have iphones and no covers to distinguish them) When I confronted her about it she told she was afraid to tell me as I have threatened to kill the ex in the past because he raped and then beat her into a miscarriage twice that was all before we became a couple I was just her friend at the time. Now we have been married for nearly six years and after I found out she was being harrased we had blow out she she had he was just trying to get her to met up with him and hastn happened. now three weeks later I found a police report and paper work about a rape kit she says the cops just wanted to do one just in case when she called them I know that is bs. Because that was bugging me I checked her facebook that she left her self logged into on my computer (only did that because She wont talk to me) and found a message to our pastor about her being raped and she is hasn't told how do I confront her with the fact that I know the full truth and I am tired of the lies and to make things worse she may be pregnant and I don't think I could handle raising a kid with out knowing if it is mine or not if not I don't care I just want to know Ill love the kid no matter what.
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Old 04-11-2012, 03:59 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.

How approachable are you to her? You mentioned that you've threatened to kill this guy before - regardless of how you feel, this may be the LAST thing she needs right now and the very reason she is afraid to tell you.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:15 AM   #3 (permalink)
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How approachable are you to her? You mentioned that you've threatened to kill this guy before - regardless of how you feel, this may be the LAST thing she needs right now and the very reason she is afraid to tell you.
I would hope that after 13 years of us being together (7 dating 6 married) that she would know that I am not a violent person and wouldnt try to kill him I havent and since finding out that he has been harassing her that threatened him I just told her to go to the cops. and right now I am only worried about her well being but unless she comes clean completely with me and I feel she wont till I confront her especially since How I have had to find out about everything else about this situation and I dont know how to confront her with out hurting her but the lies hurt me and have ruined any trust I have with her.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:19 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.

And that is what you must express to her. You do need to confront.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:29 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I know I must seem like a horrible person for being mad about the lies with everything shes been through. I am not mad about what happened as I know it was not a concessional act on her behalf, and this another reason I some so confused about how to confront her and what to say. I am sorry I am all over the place seeking help is difficult for me and this situation is wreaking havoc on my emotions.
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Old 04-11-2012, 04:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.

I am so sorry that both of you are in this situation... That is truly awful...

I completely understand why you feel hurt by her not telling the truth about what happened. You *want* to be there for her- you obviously love her very much.

I have been sexually assaulted twice in my life, and stalked by the perpetrator the second time. It is terrifying, and what I experienced obviously doesn't hold a candle to what your wife went through with that ex.

I know it might not make sense, but she might feel ashamed of being raped. Like there was something she could/should have done to avoid it, or if she was a better person it wouldn't have happened, etc. She might be thinking that it was her fault she got raped and therefore she should deal with it on her own instead of burdening you. She might feel "dirty" and undeserving of support. She is probably experiencing PTSD and is probably not thinking as rationally as she normally would.

It sounds like she is going to need counseling, probably STD tests (and it sounds like pregnancy test as well), and God knows what else. If the test kit can give a positive ID on the rapist (sounds like the ex?) she may have to go through court to have him put away.

It is ok that you feel hurt. You are allowed to feel hurt that she didn't come to you with this, you really are.

I personally would suggest a gentle confrontation, saying that you know something happened and you just want to be there for her and that you love her no matter what it was. Unfortunately, saying that you feel hurt right now might not be very productive and might make her feel more distressed about her current situation.

I could not say whether you should express that feeling right away (and again, it is perfectly valid and understandable to feel that way- I'm not trying to say it is wrong or bad of you) but another poster might have better insight on that than me.

Ultimately though, it sounds like she is going to need a lot of love and help getting past this latest experience. Again, I am so sorry.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:12 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Thank you for help kitty I will sit her down and try this approach tho I am afraid if I tell her I found it in her face book she will think I dont trust her and it will make her feel worse. when the hospital did the rape test they did an std test and offered her the morning after pill but she refused the morning after pill as we have been trying to get pregnant which makes this situation a little worse but like i said i even if im not the biological father i will still love and cheerish the child like it was mine as i am adopted and never knew my real parents nor ever wanted to as the people who raised me loved me enough to take me in and care for me getting off topic sorry But I wont be able to rest fully at night unless I know.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:26 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.

Don't feel guilty. When you went on your computer she was already logged in. You didn't snoop - you discovered. There is a difference.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:28 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.

I'm going to move this to the general forum and give it a new title. It should get more response.

Sorry you are having to deal with such a horrible situation.
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Old 04-11-2012, 05:41 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Not sure if this belongs in this forum or not.

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Originally Posted by txredneck View Post
Thank you for help kitty I will sit her down and try this approach tho I am afraid if I tell her I found it in her face book she will think I dont trust her and it will make her feel worse. when the hospital did the rape test they did an std test and offered her the morning after pill but she refused the morning after pill as we have been trying to get pregnant which makes this situation a little worse but like i said i even if im not the biological father i will still love and cheerish the child like it was mine as i am adopted and never knew my real parents nor ever wanted to as the people who raised me loved me enough to take me in and care for me getting off topic sorry But I wont be able to rest fully at night unless I know.
You could tell her you saw it on Facebook or you can try sitting her down and saying that you just know something is going on. She's got to be acting differently- it's why you checked FB in the first place, right? I'm saying you can try to avoid mentioning FB, but obviously if she asks directly you will probably need to tell her that you looked because you were worried about her. Yes, it was an invasion of privacy but it was done with the intent of trying to understand what was going on so you could help her.

Random side note: A lot of posters here advocate spouses having access to each other's email/cell phone/Facebook/bank/whatever other accounts by sharing passwords with each other for transparency.

It is very sweet that if she is pregnant you don't care who the father is. I obviously don't know what her stance is on it- if she rejected the morning after pill she might want to keep it if she is pregnant. Some women do ok keeping their "rape baby," and if she is one then good for her- if not, the two of you might need to decide if adopting it out or abortion would be needed. A baby that is the product of rape can be very triggering to a woman, so it can make any decisions around it even more emotional than normal... especially if she would be unsure if she was getting rid of your child and not the rapist's. >.>

If she is pregnant and keeps it, a paternity test can be done to see if you are the father since it sounds like that is important to you. It wouldn't make you a bad father to want to know, particularly since you want to love it anyway.

If you do confront her, make sure she knows that if she is pregnant you would support her no matter what decision she would choose to make (unless of course abortion or adoption is out of the question for you, I don't mean to assume) and that you would love the child as your own even if genetically it isn't.
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:25 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend

Are you saying that she was raped twice by him before you two became a couple and now she has been raped by him, again? How and why did the two of them come in contact after so many years? Please enlighten.
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:30 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend

Get the police involved..........
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend

snif snif..... somethings dosn't add up.

she needs to tell you the whole truth nothing but the truth.

maybe she cheated with him and is now covering her tracks?
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Old 04-11-2012, 11:17 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend

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Are you saying that she was raped twice by him before you two became a couple and now she has been raped by him, again? How and why did the two of them come in contact after so many years? Please enlighten.
From everything I can gather she and he have mutual friends that she is still in contact with and he got her cell phone number and our address from one of them that didn't know their history. She has always felt guilty about their past together and he knows that and uses guilt and fear to control her. The police are involved and a detective from our local police department just called her and is talking to her now as soon as I know more I will share.
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Old 04-11-2012, 11:21 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife Raped by Ex-Boyfriend

There`s info missing here.

This story doesn`t add up as posted.

Why was she with him in the first place?

Did he stalk her?

How`d he get access to her?
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