My wife's ex, how do i handle this?
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Old 04-11-2012, 09:18 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

hello everyone. i'm coming up on our 1 year anniversary and we are at each others throats. here's the story..

my wife and i both recently got out of a 6 year relationship where we had mutual friends. we hit it off, helped eachother move on so to speak and found that we work really well together. so we decided to give us a try. she has a daughter, now almost 4 years old. we dated for 10 months and decided to get married because of common moral standards and we know that we can have a strong marriage with a little work. now, her ex didn't take kindly to this. she would do her best to hide me at first for fear that he would do something crazy as far as their child goes. understandable of course. after we got married, it continued. i gave her hell, and she told me i had no place because it was her kid and she will do what she feels she needs to do to keep the peace, even if it means telling me that i need to stay home and im not allowed to go with her to pick up her child because he's not ready. i gave in and dealt with it because i don't have kids therefore how can i know what she's going thru? it will be a year on the 14th that we are married, 2 years after her and her ex split, and over the easter weekend she allowed me to come with her to pick up her daughter. i felt it was a major step in our relationship! but i screwed up last night. with all the arguing over me having to stay away in the past even though we were married, i still felt uneasy about some things with her. i gave in to temptation and i looked through her phone. i discovered that he still calls her pet names and asks if she can go places with him. i know he wants his family together. all she does is just ignore it or just just respond politely. she never tells him these things are inappropriate and that he needs to stop. she just ignores it and hopes that it goes away. he has relapsed before and told her that he misses her and would like to see her at work, just a few months ago still. i wish she would handle him differently and put her foot down. i know i should not have looked thru her phone...i feel stupid. now we are on edge. i don't know what to do.
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Old 04-11-2012, 10:11 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

Thank you so much for your reply.. this is my first time on a forum.

At times i do believe he contacts her more than he needs to but for the most part i believe it is kept to just their child and a few finances they still have together. i have gone over her head in the past and contacted him because of an immature fight we were having. he was calm and it seemed to go well on my part. but of course he continued to give her grief if i was ever mentioned. to this day if we ever do things together, (my wife, me and her daughter) like a day out to do something, she will tell him everything that we are doing but not mention me. that's not so bad but it feels like that just contributes to him thinking i don't exist. i feel he is hanging on despite her assuring me that he isn't. i do wish that she would put her foot down more with him. i contacted him last night and started a pretty friendly convo, but she had to message him and tell him that i "went thru her phone. sorry i thought i got away from that. sorry to bug you". i feel that made it worse. now he knows our problems. i feel i have lost this fight already. she swears up and down that he isn't hanging on to her. i just believe that she doesn't see it! i have mentioned plenty of times that she needs to shut him down when he says those things, but she refuses to be "mean". she thinks avoiding confrontation like that is better.

Last edited by Coop37; 04-11-2012 at 10:20 AM.
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Old 04-11-2012, 02:47 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

thank you angel5112. im currently trying to see a counselor . she says she can't even begin to try again for us until i do. tonight will be rough.
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Old 04-11-2012, 03:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

Coop37,

First off, don't feel guilty for looking through her phone, you did nothing wrong nor should she have anything to hide. Would you feel guilty going through her sock drawer? The phone should be no different.

Here's how I would approach this situation:

I would let her know of what I saw through her phone.

Let her know that it bothers me that he is talking to her inappropriately. If she doesn't agree that it is a problem, then I will tell her that it is a problem and she needs to let him know that she is married it is inappropriate for him to talk to her that way.

Ask her how she would feel knowing an ex of yours is actively trying to pursue you?

I understand that she wants to keep it cordial for the sake of the child involve but doesn't mean you as a husband have to take a back seat. Unless it is concerning the child or the shared finances, he has no reason to contact her.

Its good she wants to remain cordial, but your marriage needs to come first even if it means no longer being cordial with the ex.

Is she going to choose being cordial with the ex over being married to you? If so, you have a bigger problem on your hands.

This isn't about her having to make a choice between the ex and you, but you need to let her know that you have boundaries and they are being trounced on by the fact that another man pursuing your wife and you will not stand for it.

If she ask you why you were going through her phone, then tell her no reason but just to look and you stumbled across it.

If she gets mad for you going through her phone, you tell her you believe in the sanctity of marriage, and everything needs to be transparent between H/W and neither of you should have anything to hide. This means emails, phones, computers, whatever...

It shouldn't have been your problem her ex couldn't handle the fact she remarried and has moved on. If her ex wants to get crazy then I will get the necessary authorities involve, because it is obvious he doesn't want to be cordial, so why should she?

GL
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Old 04-12-2012, 04:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coop37 View Post
hello everyone. i'm coming up on our 1 year anniversary and we are at each others throats. here's the story..

my wife and i both recently got out of a 6 year relationship where we had mutual friends. we hit it off, helped eachother move on so to speak and found that we work really well together. so we decided to give us a try. she has a daughter, now almost 4 years old. we dated for 10 months and decided to get married because of common moral standards and we know that we can have a strong marriage with a little work. now, her ex didn't take kindly to this. she would do her best to hide me at first for fear that he would do something crazy as far as their child goes. understandable of course. after we got married, it continued. i gave her hell, and she told me i had no place because it was her kid and she will do what she feels she needs to do to keep the peace, even if it means telling me that i need to stay home and im not allowed to go with her to pick up her child because he's not ready. i gave in and dealt with it because i don't have kids therefore how can i know what she's going thru? it will be a year on the 14th that we are married, 2 years after her and her ex split, and over the easter weekend she allowed me to come with her to pick up her daughter. i felt it was a major step in our relationship! but i screwed up last night. with all the arguing over me having to stay away in the past even though we were married, i still felt uneasy about some things with her. i gave in to temptation and i looked through her phone. i discovered that he still calls her pet names and asks if she can go places with him. i know he wants his family together. all she does is just ignore it or just just respond politely. she never tells him these things are inappropriate and that he needs to stop. she just ignores it and hopes that it goes away. he has relapsed before and told her that he misses her and would like to see her at work, just a few months ago still. i wish she would handle him differently and put her foot down. i know i should not have looked thru her phone...i feel stupid. now we are on edge. i don't know what to do.

You shouldn't have looked through her phone if you hadn't found that she was hiding anything. My $0.02
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Old 04-12-2012, 04:18 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

What would this guy do to his own child that would cause her to behave in this manner?
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Old 04-12-2012, 04:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coop37 View Post
Thank you so much for your reply.. this is my first time on a forum.

At times i do believe he contacts her more than he needs to but for the most part i believe it is kept to just their child and a few finances they still have together. i have gone over her head in the past and contacted him because of an immature fight we were having. he was calm and it seemed to go well on my part. but of course he continued to give her grief if i was ever mentioned. to this day if we ever do things together, (my wife, me and her daughter) like a day out to do something, she will tell him everything that we are doing but not mention me. that's not so bad but it feels like that just contributes to him thinking i don't exist. i feel he is hanging on despite her assuring me that he isn't. i do wish that she would put her foot down more with him. i contacted him last night and started a pretty friendly convo, but she had to message him and tell him that i "went thru her phone. sorry i thought i got away from that. sorry to bug you". i feel that made it worse. now he knows our problems. i feel i have lost this fight already. she swears up and down that he isn't hanging on to her. i just believe that she doesn't see it! i have mentioned plenty of times that she needs to shut him down when he says those things, but she refuses to be "mean". she thinks avoiding confrontation like that is better.

Ok this is starting to sound like she has a "relationship" with both of you. Why would she need to "apologize" for your actions to him? To me it does sound like she is causing him to hang on. She is too close to him. Their relationship should be strictly about their daughter, period.

Still need to know what measures she thinks he would take.
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:41 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

**** to this day if we ever do things together, (my wife, me and her daughter) like a day out to do something, she will tell him everything that we are doing but not mention me. ****

I think that's strange too. I noticed that my bf's EA would mention doing things as well without saying with whom. But her bf would openly mention it on his FB wall.
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Old 04-13-2012, 10:08 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

It's possible that she is afraid that things will get complicated for her child and so she is tolerating his behavior. In most instances, I'd say that tolerating the behavior is the same as encouraging it, but, in your case, I'm not sure. You're pretty actively insisting that you be there to pick up the kid with her when she goes is putting a lot of pressure on things and maybe she is a little afraid of how things should be handled and can't trust your reaction or cooperation when it comes to her child.

I don't suggest that you avoid this, though. I think you guys need an outside perspective that isn't biased. Don't go to friends or family. Go to a counselor and talk about boundaries in marriage, what is appropriate for her with regard to her ex (and making sure he stays an ex rather than a back-up plan), and how things about parenting should be decided.

It sounds like the ex needs to accept that she has moved on and needs to stop being flirty with her. It sounds like your wife needs to trust that things between you two will get better so she isn't keeping him as a back-up plan. And, it sounds like all three of you need to have a grown-up conversation about what is and isn't acceptable between you.

This could go very badly if you don't deal with it. However, you have to proceed with caution.
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Old 04-13-2012, 12:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

It sounds like your wife still has some unfinished business and unresolved feelings toward her ex; therefore she does not want to talk to him about how this makes you feel. She is not being respectful to you and your feelings. I agree with some other posters that she needs to know what your boundaries are-because you are her current husband. "Hiding" you is really wrong in my eyes. I am sorry you are going through this and hope that counseling; not just for you but definitely for her also, will help you both move past this so you both can be fully in the marriage together and with each other-not with an ex or the baggage that comes with one.
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Old 04-13-2012, 02:15 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

I went through a very similar situation and realized after the fact that I handled it completely wrong and it continues to haunt our relationship to this day. I immediately assumed the worst and thought that because he didn't "put a stop" to his ex-wife's constant texting, e-mailing, calling, asking for non-child related favors, that he somehow liked the attention or continued to have feelings for her. Although he rarely responded to her inappropriate texts and e-mails, it hurt me deeply that he didn't call her out on it and tell her that it was inappropriate. The entire situation caused me to develop some deep-seated insecurities about his relationship with his ex and our relationship in general. Instead of getting angry and making snide comments about his ex, I wished I had had the sense to sit him down and calmly explain how his reluctance to end this type of communication from his ex hurt me. By the time I finally did that and he started setting appropriate boundaries - it was too late and he now assumes that I have some sort of unfounded insecurities about he and his ex reuniting. I wish I could turn back the clock and handle the whole situation more maturely...
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Old 04-15-2012, 12:25 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife's ex, how do i handle this?

handle what?No problem that someone would think it has affected your life as long as you do not share that with yourself but you share yourself and then ask how to handle yourself?
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