General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Update! I told her that it is over and to not send me any more emails. I mentioned that I am tired of feeling guilty for not getting her engaged. You see, when she got pregnant 17 years ago, she was living with baby daddy who told her he did not want children. I asked her after the baby was born why she was living with her own parents who were taking care of the baby while she worked. She said that Baby daddy gave her a choice of either moving out or getting an abortion. Well, she moved out. She planned the pregnancy and admitted that to me when we were friends 17 years ago. I asked her why if she wanted children and he didn't, why she just didn't break up with him and find someone else who wanted a baby som day. She said at the time that she didn't think she would meet anyone else. Needless to say, her daughter has never had a father. Fast forward to now and she has a 16 year old and she was grooming me to be the father.
Now that it is over, she is still emailing me today still wanting to communicate. I have ignored her emails. It is kind of sad. If she would have played her cards differently and let our relationship grow naturally, things may have been different.
Well, it shows how sneaky she was back then to plan a pregnancy with someone who didn't want kids. O.o
It will sting for a while, but you will soon see that you dodged a big bullet.
She doesn't love you, nor did she love her daughter's father. She just has a script in her head of how she wants her life to be and you just happen to have a penis and can fill that role.
You see, when she got pregnant 17 years ago, she was living with baby daddy who told her he did not want children... She planned the pregnancy and admitted that to me when we were friends 17 years ago.
Duuuuuuuude. That is the biggest red flag a woman can give to run for the hills. That is one of the worst things a woman can do to a man, that kind of betrayal is unfathomable. >.>
Guess you lucked out that she didn't decide she wanted a second?
Wow, what a scheming, lying, manipulator! I can't believe she would do that to her CHILD (bringing her into the world on purpose KNOWING the father would never want her). And doing that to her BF (on purpose) runs a CLOSE 2nd.
Dodged a bullet? Gold, I think you dodged a MISSILE!!! Any woman who could do that purposely to a child and her SO with NO REGARD for their feelings for her own selfish purposes (maybe for the security of having bills paid?) is totally without conscience. Who knows what cr*p she would have pulled on you in the future?!?
Just have to say, I can't believe that you still would have considered having a relationship (and possible marriage) with a woman that you KNEW was this conniving, if she only hadn't been so pushy about getting engaged!
I read the start of this thread yesterday. In response to the ultimatum-for-marriage issue, I have to stand up and say on a general note, I gave my OH an ultimatum at the end of last year. We set a date this year or I am leaving. We'd been together for four years, two children together, lived together, and he always had a reason why it wasn't the "right" time to get married, although he professed he really did want to.
I realised I could stay in this self-perpetuating situation for another 5/10/15/etc years and STILL not be married to him. I felt that I was being strung along. I believe if I'm good enough to shack up with, have children with and look after them, I'm good enough to marry. So I told him. Set a date by the end of 2011 or I'll "have to consider my future here."
We set a date, and four months later we're married. He's more than happy and says he doesn't know why he kept putting it off. I'm happy. I purposely left some of the major arrangements to him figuring if he truly wanted to, he'd get off his ass and sort it. Which he did. So it CAN work - done right and for the right reasons.
However... After five months... Way too short a time. Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you for your response. Yes I am running the other direction. I don't know if it could be that I was using her because I think she wanted it as much as I did or at least she ACTED like she did not thinking there were ulterir motives. If she would have let things happen naturally and not appear so needy, I think it very well could have developed into an engagement. I am not in a hurry and she is done with kids so what is her hurry!! I was burned before and taken to the cleaners. I own my own business and it took me a long time to recover both financially and emotionally.
She wants security and is disregarding compatibility. She is in a tricky spot, socially. I saw no mention, but it seems she is fairly young (rather inmature). And if she and her mom are pushing for marriage she is not handling her responsibilities very well.
The reality is that single parents have a tougher time dating. I felt it myself with very limited dating experience. Children are draining because it takes much to parent. By necessity, anyone I date will be second to my young child.
Then, not being able to bear more children creates an additional hurdle. Most people envision getting married and then having their own kids at some point. Some envision getting married and then enjoying life. I doubt getting married and then devoting oneself to raising someone else's child is a situation many people want to get into.
So, you look like a jackpot. She would have someone who would accept her life circumstances and be financially ambitious. It's possible she would have tried to get you to scurry around for her, under the guise of "you don't have a boss keeping an eye out; you can get that done any time".
Update! I told her that it is over and to not send me any more emails. I mentioned that I am tired of feeling guilty for not getting her engaged. You see, when she got pregnant 17 years ago, she was living with baby daddy who told her he did not want children. I asked her after the baby was born why she was living with her own parents who were taking care of the baby while she worked. She said that Baby daddy gave her a choice of either moving out or getting an abortion. Well, she moved out. She planned the pregnancy and admitted that to me when we were friends 17 years ago. I asked her why if she wanted children and he didn't, why she just didn't break up with him and find someone else who wanted a baby som day. She said at the time that she didn't think she would meet anyone else. Needless to say, her daughter has never had a father. Fast forward to now and she has a 16 year old and she was grooming me to be the father.
Now that it is over, she is still emailing me today still wanting to communicate. I have ignored her emails. It is kind of sad. If she would have played her cards differently and let our relationship grow naturally, things may have been different.
Holy crap! She is in her mid-30's and still playing these games with you? And she hasn't managed to strike out on her own and sever those ties with her mom?
Granted, her child being 16 means that you won't have much parenting to do (at least from an oversight thing). But, you can count on this kid having learned to be unambitious and manipulative from his mother. Good luck trying to get this kid to get a job.
Also, your wife being that age means that she has done all the growing up to be had willingly.
Well, last night she launched a few missles at me via message machine getting it off her chest that I am a loser bum and that she and her daughter are much better without me in their life. She wasted two years of her life putting faith in my ability to hoist her and her daughter up on my white horse and rescue them from a mundane lifestyle to give them a more fruitful existence. She wanted me to take the bait by calling her back to defend myself and claim that I am not the big bad wolf but I didn't. If it makes her feel better by putting a target of me on the wall and throwing darts, so be it. The damsel in distress has provoked her 82 year old parents to travel all the way from California to comfort her. I have just received a few hang up calls this morning.
...does that mean paying for 16yo's upcoming college education?
...does that mean paying for 16yo's apartment/car/fun when she graduates high-school because she's got piss-poor grades and won't be attending college; and she's too lazy/manipulative to WORK for a living?
...does that mean paying for 16yo's wedding (no doubt lavish and over-the-top) when the time comes?
Am SO GLAD you're out, GoldStandard, BUT...
I've got to say that I hope you learned the lesson that came out of all this. You KNEW what a lying, conniving, manipulative b*tch she was to this girl's father 17 years ago. You knew it then and you know it now. Why would you give her the time of day, much less date her, much less CONSIDER marrying her....even stating that if she hadn't been such a pushy b*tch about getting engaged, you might have reached the engagement/marriage state all in your own time?
Please take some time to reflect on this situation before you begin looking again. Ask yourself why you were involved with someone that you KNEW was like this. I mean, not to be too crude, but I *own* one....and I can GUARANTEE you, they don't make 'em THAT GOOD...
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Re: girlfriend sets marriage ultimatum 
