General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
How is it fair for him to have to take care of a woman who is mentally unstable? How is it fair to not give him the happiest marriage possible? How is it fair to him to have a wife who can't stand on her own, so he constantly has to hold her up? That gets tiring.
Does that answer your question?
No it doesn't. Because we are going to have a happy marriage. He doesn't regret being with me. He even told me he is going to help me with everything. He IS helping me with everything even when I asked him to let me handle it on my own. He WANTS to do what he is doing because he loves me and that's all that matters.
CharlotteMarie, what a beautiful name. I'm certain it fits you perfect.
Please what ever you do, don't hurt yourself. You are already hurting and obviously you need help. You have admitted it and have taken some steps such as looking here for help. You are young and have more to offer in life then you know.
There are places and people you can talk to that are no cost. Ending your life is not the answer. Call some doctors and ask them where you can find the help you desperatly need. They will be able to help direct you. Make some friends, lots of them. Friends can give you the support you meed. Might not always be what you want to hear but for certain some you will help.
Also I'm not religious but I do pray. Ask god for help and believe that he can help. Sometimes it take a long while for him to answer but for certain he will.
Chorolette, I hope that you are strong and can find what it is you need.
I too have a daughter that I rarely see and she too has issues. As a parent loseing her whould devistate me. I know you parents feel the same. You need to talk to them and even more so listen, listen with an open mind.
Good luck CharoletteMarie and keep posting here so we all know you are okay. I want to know........Andre
Most of us here have gone through some of the hardest things marriage can weather and made it out to the other side, but you don’t have to listen to us. You will learn on your own someday, hopefully before you bring children into an unstable household.
You sound extremely immature, naive, and troubled. It is just sad that you are so adamant to sabotage your own life.
I am done trying to convince you to better your life. I wish you the best.
CharlotteMarie, what a beautiful name. I'm certain it fits you perfect.
Please what ever you do, don't hurt yourself. You are already hurting and obviously you need help. You have admitted it and have taken some steps such as looking here for help. You are young and have more to offer in life then you know.
There are places and people you can talk to that are no cost. Ending your life is not the answer. Call some doctors and ask them where you can find the help you desperatly need. They will be able to help direct you. Make some friends, lots of them. Friends can give you the support you meed. Might not always be what you want to hear but for certain some you will help.
Also I'm not religious but I do pray. Ask god for help and believe that he can help. Sometimes it take a long while for him to answer but for certain he will.
Chorolette, I hope that you are strong and can find what it is you need.
I too have a daughter that I rarely see and she too has issues. As a parent loseing her whould devistate me. I know you parents feel the same. You need to talk to them and even more so listen, listen with an open mind.
Good luck CharoletteMarie and keep posting here so we all know you are okay. I want to know........Andre
Thank you so much for not attacking me like everyone else. It means alot that you were so nice about it. Thank you so much and I will definitely keep posting on my progress..
Most of us here have gone through some of the hardest things marriage can weather and made it out to the other side, but you don’t have to listen to us. You will learn on your own someday, hopefully before you bring children into an unstable household.
You sound extremely immature, naive, and troubled. It is just sad that you are so adamant to sabotage your own life.
I am done trying to convince you to better your life. I wish you the best.
So everyone who has problems is immature? What makes me so immature? That I'm making a life of my own with a man that I love? and when we do have kids, they will be brought into a VERY stable and safe home. I'm not going to have kids with the problems I'm going through right now. I'm not stupid. I'm going to do everything best for my kids. You can stop attacking me and go rant to someone who cares to hear your bull. Please go away.
CharlotteMarie, I am sorry if my comments on the other thread were off topic or sounded mean. I am certianly not anti-marriage, but nor do I believe marriage EVER solves a problem, in fact it amplifies unresolved problems and in your case you readily admit you have many problems. It is wonderful that you have this kind caring man who is supporting you and showing you love - you have attached yourself to him as I believe our hearts are meant to do, but the blind faith you seem to have in him is very disturbing because he is not a perfect person either, nor can he do a single thing to fix the things you want to fix. When you pin your happiness on someone else you are setting yourself up to fail... you should look up codependency and realize that if you expect things to happen because you love this man and want to treat him well but by using him to fix you you are placing a huge burden on his shoulders, one that he cannot carry indefinitely. You say he will always be there but you've known him less than a year, there are so many things that you have yet to discover about him, things he is hiding whether intentionally or not. If he cannot carry your load, he faces stress or anxiety (as will happen in EVERY marriage at certain times) and breaks down, how will you be there to support him when that is what he needs?
It just seems that you are rushing into marriage as a romantic gesture to show him how much you are grateful for him and how much you are in love, willing to throw all else to the wind... that sounds wonderful except it is not an approach that can ever last. Unless this is for religious beliefs, there really is no reason or benefit to being married to someone. Just be with him, love him, love yourself and wait so that in two years, 5 years or 7 years down the road when you both have changed, if you've grown apart and are no longer willing or able to meet each others needs you will be saving so much more stress and difficulty (especially since you have such overwhelming anxiety issues).
I wish the best for you, and though you know I think marriage is not a good idea for someone like you, I just hope you can stop and deliberate and hopefully defer this marriage for another year or two atleast... but if you go through this weekend I send you my congratulations and wishes for a lifetime of happiness together. Please don't be afraid to come back to this board and post updates and use the people here to help with the challenges many of us have faced and gone through as well.
This statement right here is one huge reason why I don't understand your rush to marry. Do you think maybe you are using it as an escape hatch?
No one is saying don't love this guy or be with him. If he's a good guy that's terrific. But marriage is going to open a whole new chapter in your life, a wonderful one, but it comes with its own set of challenges and problems.
I don't think most seventeen years olds have the maturity for marriage. That is not a personal attack on you; it's just factual, in my opinion.
Let me ask you a serious question. What are you expecting marriage to be?
I'm not expecting it to be anything. I know what it's going to be. I'm not immature like you guys think I am. I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm putting myself into. But if I'm willing to tie myself down to one man the rest of my life. Isn't that my business?
Your welcome and I'm happy to hear you will hang in there with us. I too am here for a reason concerning my relationship. I havn't even posted my own problem yet. I read yours and I want to help. I'm just a regular guy/dad that can relate with young kids/adults such as you. You will read stuff that will upset you but remember keep an open mind.
I care about you. I might right stuff you don't like at times but I do care none the less.
Start by looking in the mirror every day and tell that person you see that you love her. If you don't like what you see in that mirror go look in an other. Start by loving youself Okay.
What isn't fair to him? I know how to love. I don't have to love my self. There's 4 people on this earth I love more than anything. And I know what it is. I know why I love them as much as I do. Nothing will change that for any of them..
If you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you? Why would he love you?
These issues can ruin a relationship. They can lead to disrespect of your spouse. Loving yourself is an important part of being able to accept love from others. I am not recommending that you break up with your boyfriend. Rather, I suggest that you take your time, address your own issues, and open up to him to build your relationship prior to getting married.
I don't have a "deal" with my parents. They're broke and have no room for me in their house. It was best for me, and best for them for me to leave. You don't understand my situation...
That`s probably because you haven`t explained it.
Apparently there is a "deal" with your parents.
They`re broke and have no room for you?
I have three kids, if I were broke AND homeless they`d be in the shelter with me.
No room for you?
Your best maybe only chance is to get into a stable situation somewhere.
CharlotteMarie, I am sorry if my comments on the other thread were off topic or sounded mean. I am certianly not anti-marriage, but nor do I believe marriage EVER solves a problem, in fact it amplifies unresolved problems and in your case you readily admit you have many problems. It is wonderful that you have this kind caring man who is supporting you and showing you love - you have attached yourself to him as I believe our hearts are meant to do, but the blind faith you seem to have in him is very disturbing because he is not a perfect person either, nor can he do a single thing to fix the things you want to fix. When you pin your happiness on someone else you are setting yourself up to fail... you should look up codependency and realize that if you expect things to happen because you love this man and want to treat him well but by using him to fix you you are placing a huge burden on his shoulders, one that he cannot carry indefinitely. You say he will always be there but you've known him less than a year, there are so many things that you have yet to discover about him, things he is hiding whether intentionally or not. If he cannot carry your load, he faces stress or anxiety (as will happen in EVERY marriage at certain times) and breaks down, how will you be there to support him when that is what he needs?
It just seems that you are rushing into marriage as a romantic gesture to show him how much you are grateful for him and how much you are in love, willing to throw all else to the wind... that sounds wonderful except it is not an approach that can ever last. Unless this is for religious beliefs, there really is no reason or benefit to being married to someone. Just be with him, love him, love yourself and wait so that in two years, 5 years or 7 years down the road when you both have changed, if you've grown apart and are no longer willing or able to meet each others needs you will be saving so much more stress and difficulty (especially since you have such overwhelming anxiety issues).
I wish the best for you, and though you know I think marriage is not a good idea for someone like you, I just hope you can stop and deliberate and hopefully defer this marriage for another year or two atleast... but if you go through this weekend I send you my congratulations and wishes for a lifetime of happiness together. Please don't be afraid to come back to this board and post updates and use the people here to help with the challenges many of us have faced and gone through as well.
First off.. I'm not rushing into anything. And I'm NOT using him for anything. He knows I'm not using him and if he felt as if I were, he wouldn't be with me. He's with me because he loves and cares for me. Yes, he's helping me, and he's doing a great job of it. I asked him not to, but he chooses too. I'm sorry you feel this way. But this is our life and I don't see how my marriage became the topic when my problem was the mental issues. I'm not having relationship problems nor marriage problems. He and I are doing fine. Great actually. If we mess up, than we mess up. We will only learn from our own mistakes from here. I know it's going to be an up hill battle but we both are ready for anything that comes at us. I've known him over a year btw, we've been dating for almost 10 months. When you're observant, and pay attention to someone, and are with someone as much as we have been with each other. You tend to get to know them, sometimes even better than yourself. We know each other enough to be getting married. He knows all my past, I know all his past. There are some things about both of our pasts that neither of us should know about the other. But we are strong enough to tell the other because even if it's not healthy for a lot of relationships, there are no secrets between the two of us and it will remain that way. Thank you for trying to help and for your advice. I will keep you guys who care updated on everything. I will even show pictures of this weekend if you would like. But we are going through with this marriage and we are going to have a great one. We're joining together as one, we will live as one and we will die as one. Thank you.
(If I had made any grammar errors, please feel free to correct them, my computer screen is going out and it's very hard to make out exactly what letters are going on the screen,thanks.)
Your welcome and I'm happy to hear you will hang in there with us. I too am here for a reason concerning my relationship. I havn't even posted my own problem yet. I read yours and I want to help. I'm just a regular guy/dad that can relate with young kids/adults such as you. You will read stuff that will upset you but remember keep an open mind.
I care about you. I might right stuff you don't like at times but I do care none the less.
Start by looking in the mirror every day and tell that person you see that you love her. If you don't like what you see in that mirror go look in an other. Start by loving youself Okay.
Thank you.. if you'll read a lot of the replies on this. They're ridiculous. If people aren't going to help. Why even reply? Really...
If you can't love yourself, how can anyone else love you? Why would he love you?
These issues can ruin a relationship. They can lead to disrespect of your spouse. Loving yourself is an important part of being able to accept love from others. I am not recommending that you break up with your boyfriend. Rather, I suggest that you take your time, address your own issues, and open up to him to build your relationship prior to getting married.
If you would have read everything. You would have seen that he is the reason I open up the way I do now. And I don't know how or why he loves me, why don't you ask him that question?
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Re: What am I supposed to do about this? 
Thank you. 
