General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
See I've seen marriages work, and I've seen them crash. My brothers, 2 of them have been married and they messed up bad. My oldest brother was with his wife for 8 years and cheated on her the entire time. My middle brother was with his wife for 6 months and did nothing but fight the whole time. My parents on the other hand, knew each other for a month, moved in with each other, lived together for a week and got married and have been for 22 years now, they have never been "financially" stable and they have 4 kids together and still going strong even after ALL the financial problems, yes they caused depression, stress, anger. But they loved each other enough to fight through it and stay strong with each other. My Aunt And Uncle have been together for 40 years and they have never been "financially" stable and they also have 4 kids together.
And no, I don't have my license yet. Why is that part so important? Yes, my mother and father both have to sign in order for me to get married. I already know this. My mom is perfectly fine with me getting married right now and they are signing for us.
Okay, so how long should someone be together before they decide to marry? Would you like a whole list of examples of people who barely even knew each other and got married and are still together? You guys can't judge this based on finances, and how long he and I have been together. I mean, yes we have problems with the money. But we're not flat broke and we have what we need right now and are also getting help with it. As for a child, like I said, no one is ever completely financially stable for a child. They cost you money, money, money their whole lives, I understand that, yes. But we are NOT having a child soon, when we have more money, we will. But not soon so that isn't even an issue.
And another thing. I'm not supposed to support our family, he is. I'm not saying I shouldn't get a job to help out, but he doesn't want me having a job, I keep the house up while they're at work. I do the cooking, cleaning, everything. If we were all to be working, when would any of that get done? Especially with their work hours, also I would have no way to work unless I walked at this point. Honestly it would take more money for me to find a job, than it would help out. I understand you trying to help, I really do. I didn't mean for this message to sound mean, or hateful, or anything. But really..
I will agree with you that some marriages may just seem to work, no matter the age. It just seems that young couples that do not have a plan for the financial aspect of it tend to fight more often. Granted, I am not specifically saying that this will be you and as I said, I am not trying to talk you out of anything. I just want you to be aware of things like this.
It just seems important that you have your license so that you may go places when he is too busy to take you there, or when he is not home. Or, even for emergencies. What happens if he gets hurt and you can't drive to take him to the hospital? I just think its good to have your license. Its okay to depend on people like your fiance for some things, but I also think that its nice to have some independence as well. And okay, I just wanted to make sure that you're parents would approve.
I guess theres no "right" amount of time to be with someone before marriage, and it is not really my place to tell you that there is. I believe that if you think that you know him inside and out, and if you see him as being a great person, but can recognize his flaws as well, then maybe you are ready for marriage as far as just your relationship with your partner goes. Its just important to make sure that you are not still in the initial stage of the relationship where everything your partner does seems perfect because if that is how it is, it can cause some big problems when that changes.
And no, finances aren't everything, but they are an issue that will become important, particularly when you move out. I just want to make sure you are prepared financially. And when I say that, I do not mean for a child, I just mean for you and your fiance.
Finally, as far as a job goes, its nice that he doesnt want to make you work, but it could really help, even if you didnt work that much. At my job, I work about 24 hours a week, a part time job, at 25 cents over minimum wage and I make about 600 per month. Also, I only work three days a week. If you were to do something like that, even, it could help. Also, that leaves time for housework and things like that. I just want you to have the best chance at making this marriage work, I really do want you to be happy. I hope that this will help, even a little bit.
I will agree with you that some marriages may just seem to work, no matter the age. It just seems that young couples that do not have a plan for the financial aspect of it tend to fight more often. Granted, I am not specifically saying that this will be you and as I said, I am not trying to talk you out of anything. I just want you to be aware of things like this.
And also that tension with inlaws cause a lot of infighting between newly married couples and here they are already moving in with the inlaws and she knows it's a bad move because mom is very controlling.
Who are we? When you post about an issue you are having, people have the right to respond with their opinions. I don't like the nasty comments, but why ask for other's POV if you are just going to complain that they don't agree with you ill advised choices?
Your response to monicagrace27 shows that you are not adult enough to accept that some people may not agree with your choices. Neither of you are old enough to get married; as teenagers we all have idealistic views of love. A mature person would not plan a wedding when they have no place of their own to live. Sorry, but you are putting the cart before the horse.
My husband and I had a sadly small wedding because the cost of huge party did not make sense to us. We were renting a tiny apartment, so we thought it was stupid to spend thousands of dollars on a wedding when we did not even own a home. If we wasted money on a wedding, we could not have afforded a new car or a larger place to live.
Why is a 22 year old man with a 17 year old girl? Most well adjusted men in their twenties do not want to date or marry teenage girls.
He's with me because he loves me and I'm not immature like most teenage girls these days. I've had to be an adult most of my life to begin with. Buh bye.. I'm not doing this anymore. Deleting all my threads and this website. I didn't come on here to be treated like a baby or be talked to like crap. I wanted advice. Yes I listened to some advice and some I didn't like. No one is going to like all the advice they hear. Bye.
I will agree with you that some marriages may just seem to work, no matter the age. It just seems that young couples that do not have a plan for the financial aspect of it tend to fight more often. Granted, I am not specifically saying that this will be you and as I said, I am not trying to talk you out of anything. I just want you to be aware of things like this.
It just seems important that you have your license so that you may go places when he is too busy to take you there, or when he is not home. Or, even for emergencies. What happens if he gets hurt and you can't drive to take him to the hospital? I just think its good to have your license. Its okay to depend on people like your fiance for some things, but I also think that its nice to have some independence as well. And okay, I just wanted to make sure that you're parents would approve.
I guess there's no "right" amount of time to be with someone before marriage, and it is not really my place to tell you that there is. I believe that if you think that you know him inside and out, and if you see him as being a great person, but can recognize his flaws as well, then maybe you are ready for marriage as far as just your relationship with your partner goes. Its just important to make sure that you are not still in the initial stage of the relationship where everything your partner does seems perfect because if that is how it is, it can cause some big problems when that changes.
And no, finances aren't everything, but they are an issue that will become important, particularly when you move out. I just want to make sure you are prepared financially. And when I say that, I do not mean for a child, I just mean for you and your fiance.
Finally, as far as a job goes, its nice that he doesnt want to make you work, but it could really help, even if you didnt work that much. At my job, I work about 24 hours a week, a part time job, at 25 cents over minimum wage and I make about 600 per month. Also, I only work three days a week. If you were to do something like that, even, it could help. Also, that leaves time for housework and things like that. I just want you to have the best chance at making this marriage work, I really do want you to be happy. I hope that this will help, even a little bit.
Making this short. Trust me, I know his flaws. I know the man inside and out. I see the wrong he does and he sees my flaws and the wrong I do.
And as for the job. How much is minimum wage where ever you are? Because where we live you wouldn't get even close to $600 a month for minimum wage. Maybe $300 if you're lucky and work the whole week.
And thanks for not completely just going crazy on me lol. I do appreciate what some people are telling me. But some are just being mean. Our ages really don't matter. I don't see why people think they do. Like I told that one person, I have had to be mature most of my life due to helping my mother. She taught me very young to be mature. I've never had a "teenagers" life, I really didn't have a "childs" life at that. People wouldn't be saying all this about our ages if they knew us and knew our situation.
Back to the first thing you said on this one. We have a plan for the financial aspect. Yes we fight, but what couple doesn't? there's no couple, or just people for that matter, that never fight and that everything works out for. And I don't expect our marriage to be perfect, or easy. I know it's going to be hard and we're going to have problems. That's life. But I'm really willing to deal with that and get through whatever with him. I know love isn't all that matters but it plays a HUGE part, especially when couples have a fight. And you have to love the person enough to get through everything with them even WITH financial problems.
We do plan to get a place soon. We're not having a big wedding. It's really really cheap actually. We were smart to keep it small. Our honeymoon, is just going to be camping, it's going to take no money really, just for the food and gas, it takes gas to go anywhere. Gas will be our biggest problem since it's SO much now. It seems like it goes up every single day. Heck, the amount it is now, it would probably take more gas to go where we originally planned, than our wedding costs.. yeah, gas is that expensive in these parts.
Well, I meant to make this short but stuff just kept coming to me. I really appreciate you trying to help and doing it nicely. If everyone had done it this way. I wouldn't have looked bad from responding to their mean, mean posts.
Thank you
(if I made any typos, sorry. & feel free to correct them if you want too, my computer screen is messed up and it's going out so it's hard for me to see what exactly I'm typing and all that.)
Yeah, but see, if it weren't for him paying so much here, we could get our own place...
I am not sure I understand what you mean by 'paying so much here'. Are you referring to the cost of living in your area or the amount he is paying his mom to live there? Is she financially dependent on his income? If so, I can see where that might delay you moving out on your own.
No, I'm used to @sses like you posting on here. If you're going to be mean, don't even post. If you were smart you'd know that no one is ever financially ready for a kid. Not unless you're freaking rich and you sh*t money. Seriously. I'm not going to be irresponsible like my brothers. Those were examples. Did you even read the good ones? Apparently not! Go away.
Wow.
I'm reminded of an old saying about a pot and a kettle.
Making this short. Trust me, I know his flaws. I know the man inside and out. I see the wrong he does and he sees my flaws and the wrong I do.
And as for the job. How much is minimum wage where ever you are? Because where we live you wouldn't get even close to $600 a month for minimum wage. Maybe $300 if you're lucky and work the whole week.
And thanks for not completely just going crazy on me lol. I do appreciate what some people are telling me. But some are just being mean. Our ages really don't matter. I don't see why people think they do. Like I told that one person, I have had to be mature most of my life due to helping my mother. She taught me very young to be mature. I've never had a "teenagers" life, I really didn't have a "childs" life at that. People wouldn't be saying all this about our ages if they knew us and knew our situation.
Back to the first thing you said on this one. We have a plan for the financial aspect. Yes we fight, but what couple doesn't? there's no couple, or just people for that matter, that never fight and that everything works out for. And I don't expect our marriage to be perfect, or easy. I know it's going to be hard and we're going to have problems. That's life. But I'm really willing to deal with that and get through whatever with him. I know love isn't all that matters but it plays a HUGE part, especially when couples have a fight. And you have to love the person enough to get through everything with them even WITH financial problems.
We do plan to get a place soon. We're not having a big wedding. It's really really cheap actually. We were smart to keep it small. Our honeymoon, is just going to be camping, it's going to take no money really, just for the food and gas, it takes gas to go anywhere. Gas will be our biggest problem since it's SO much now. It seems like it goes up every single day. Heck, the amount it is now, it would probably take more gas to go where we originally planned, than our wedding costs.. yeah, gas is that expensive in these parts.
Well, I meant to make this short but stuff just kept coming to me. I really appreciate you trying to help and doing it nicely. If everyone had done it this way. I wouldn't have looked bad from responding to their mean, mean posts.
Thank you
(if I made any typos, sorry. & feel free to correct them if you want too, my computer screen is messed up and it's going out so it's hard for me to see what exactly I'm typing and all that.)
Okay, I just wanted to make sure, many people jump into marriage saying "he's perfect!" then get a HUGE reality check when the initial stage of the relationship is over, I don't want that happening to you. And as far as minimum wage, it is 7.25 where I am, I make 7.50, but even if it were 7.25, you would make about 696$ per month without factoring in taxes being taking out. So probably around 550 total. What is the minimum wage where you are?
No, I see where you are coming from. I can see both sides, actually. I asked a question similar to this and I realize that many people will not say what you want to hear and a few will. Although its easiest for me to listen the people who agree with me, I had to realize that not everyone will, and thats okay. Some will be rude, some will disagree, but it was important for me to listen to both sides, no matter how much it disappointed me to hear people disagree with what I wanted. Thank you for listening to me and responding, though, I appreciate it.
And its true, no one on here really does know what kind of person that you are or what you've been through. I've seen seventeen year olds have the maturity of someone in their thirties, and I've seen people in their thirties have the maturity of a sixteen year old. It all depends on the person, we aren't here to judge you and say you arent mature enough, we're here to give you things to think about and to help you. Who's to say you aren't an exception to the typical maturity level at our age?
Sorry, I tend to get carried away. Back to your situation, I'm glad that you realize that it will be hard, thinking that it will be easy could cause disaster when you don't get what you expect. And I agree about the love thing. One of the biggest factors in a marriage should be love. And by love, I think that love is not only a feeling, but a commitment. It is a commitment to your partner and a promise to remain faithful and to be there for them. If you have that, then you are off to a great start.
Okay, well its good that you plan to move out soon, tensions with your mother in law could put a huge strain on your relationship. Its a smart choice to have a small wedding and save your money for your own place. Do you intend to get an apartment, or a house?
And you are very welcome. Don't worry about typos or writing too much, I tend to write a lot as well.
To get advice like what monicagrace27, and SimplyAmorous have given me. Not to be mocked or attacked by people like you and everyone else.
I've attacked you? All I did was say that you asked a question, everyone has said it seems like yes, it would be unhealthy to be newlyweds in the situation you've described. So now that you have your response, what are you going to do with that feedback?
From the looks of things, you're going to ignore everyone's advice if it doesn't agree with what you want to do. All I can say is that I truly wish you well, but there's a reason why so many people said the same thing. None of us have a stake in seeing you get married or not, really we don't. But from the outside looking in, it's like watching a slow moving train wreck.
I am not sure I understand what you mean by 'paying so much here'. Are you referring to the cost of living in your area or the amount he is paying his mom to live there? Is she financially dependent on his income? If so, I can see where that might delay you moving out on your own.
The amount he's paying here. It's ridiculous and for the cost he pays here, we could have our own place.
And for what it's worth monicagrace, I do think YOU are mature enough for marriage. I do think that you hold some idealistic views about marriage and the world, which could someday bite you in the butt, and I do think that there would be benefits to you waiting, but you seem to be ready for the things that can be thrown at you. You are looking at things from all sides and considering all options.
I got married when I was 20. I have no issues with young marriage. It takes an extremely mature person to pull off though. I was ready because I had to grow up at 16. My H was ready because he was older and had reached a point in his life where he wanted to settle down. You are ready because of your unique maturity level and goal oriented nature. Now you just have to figure out if your boyfriend is truly ready.
Comparing you and the OP is like comparing apples and oranges. Just saying.
You just seriously contradicted yourself and that is ridiculous..
"just saying"
I, and several others, gave you good solid advice. It wasn't mocking, judgmental, or mean. It was just the harsh truth and you didn't like it. You didn't come for advice, you came to be coddled. If your relationship is so pure, perfect, and you are so sure of it, one must ask why you sought out and posted on a marriage forum? That was a rhetorical question by the way, because I am sure I, as well as all the others who have been offering advice, know what you came here for. Posted via Mobile Device
At what point did I say my relationship is pure and perfect? It is FAR from perfect. And you're saying Monica is mature and ready for marriage.. we have agreed on all the same things in our posts and you're saying she is, but I'm not? Did you read anything that I said to her? Anything? Or did you just skim through it and see what you wanted to see?
No I'm not here to be "coddled" I never in my life expect "coddling" from any person whatsoever. I came for advice. And frankly, what most of you have been doing, is NOT giving advice. It is simply being mean and then when I say what I feel about it. It makes me look like a bad person and immature, and all this bull. Really, I'm going to give you an old line I've heard my whole life "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" I, myself have never went by that, my mind seems to want to just get everything out that I think of when I get mad or upset. Yes, I get out of line, that's my problem. I can deal with that. If you were just going to not be nice this whole time. You shouldn't have wasted your time posting. Most of you just posted because you were bored and wanted to just argue with some "little kid" that I apparently am. Goodbye and please, stop posting on my thread. Thanks. Bye.
Okay, I just wanted to make sure, many people jump into marriage saying "he's perfect!" then get a HUGE reality check when the initial stage of the relationship is over, I don't want that happening to you. And as far as minimum wage, it is 7.25 where I am, I make 7.50, but even if it were 7.25, you would make about 696$ per month without factoring in taxes being taking out. So probably around 550 total. What is the minimum wage where you are?
No, I see where you are coming from. I can see both sides, actually. I asked a question similar to this and I realize that many people will not say what you want to hear and a few will. Although its easiest for me to listen the people who agree with me, I had to realize that not everyone will, and thats okay. Some will be rude, some will disagree, but it was important for me to listen to both sides, no matter how much it disappointed me to hear people disagree with what I wanted. Thank you for listening to me and responding, though, I appreciate it.
And its true, no one on here really does know what kind of person that you are or what you've been through. I've seen seventeen year olds have the maturity of someone in their thirties, and I've seen people in their thirties have the maturity of a sixteen year old. It all depends on the person, we aren't here to judge you and say you arent mature enough, we're here to give you things to think about and to help you. Who's to say you aren't an exception to the typical maturity level at our age?
Sorry, I tend to get carried away. Back to your situation, I'm glad that you realize that it will be hard, thinking that it will be easy could cause disaster when you don't get what you expect. And I agree about the love thing. One of the biggest factors in a marriage should be love. And by love, I think that love is not only a feeling, but a commitment. It is a commitment to your partner and a promise to remain faithful and to be there for them. If you have that, then you are off to a great start.
Okay, well its good that you plan to move out soon, tensions with your mother in law could put a huge strain on your relationship. Its a smart choice to have a small wedding and save your money for your own place. Do you intend to get an apartment, or a house?
And you are very welcome. Don't worry about typos or writing too much, I tend to write a lot as well.
Yeah for real. I get where you're coming from. I know he isn't perfect though. At the beginning of our relationship, I really did think he was perfect, and could do no wrong. But as he grew on me, I started realizing his flaws. Not a bad thing. At least I know them now. He can be a real pain in the booty at times, but what guy isn't?
Hmm, I think it's 5.00 here still. I'm not really sure. They may have went up on it. Last I heard it wasn't much though.
Exactly, and everyone is saying I'm getting defensive and disrespectful and calling me immature, calling me all kinds of stuff because they think I didn't hear what I wanted too. Well what I wanted to hear is people giving me advice and actually being a person about it like you. I don't see why everyone is being so negative about me. It's like I give off some vibe that tells me not to like me or something. It's just ignorant. But yeah, thank YOU for actually talking to me like I'm somebody and not just this little kid that doesn't know what on earth she's doing. Honestly I know exactly what I'm doing.
Yeah, exactly. I have never really seen it until recently. But I really am mature for my age. I have been told by tons of people and I'm starting to see it. I see 15, 16, 17 year old's acting like little children than I see these even 18, 19, 20 year old's acting like a little 10 year old and telling me that I'M immature and that I need to grow up.. It's like "grow up yourself than come back and talk to me" seriously.. I know I can be immature at times. But everyone is at times. You know?
Yeah, I tend to get carried away at times too. But yeah, no one seems to think the love part is important, when it is. It plays a HUGE part in marriages. There's this one guy that said that when I get married it's not just my business, it's EVERYONE'S business. Well from what I have learned, when two people get married, the only one's who have business in it, are the couple, their preacher/counselor and God. I don't see how two people's marriage becomes a community thing, because it doesn't. That has got to be the least smart thing I have ever heard. If that were the case, than our preacher wouldn't just be marrying James and I, he would be marrying everyone in the county we live in and ALL of us would be supporting each other. Am I right?
Well, I want to get an apartment, but the government apartments around here have such strict rules, and so many druggies and crazy people in them. I don't feel safe living in them. My sister and I lived in government apartments a few years ago and it was just completely crazy. Beyond.
And yeah, I never expected to have a big wedding to begin with,. I want it to be as small and personal as possible. Not too many people or whatever. I know tensions with the mother in law causes problems but I'm willing to deal with it until we actually do get our own place. I pretty much have no choice but to deal with it at this point. And no I'm NOT ungrateful, for the people who said I was. I'm not. I'm really thankful and I very VERY much appreciate his mother taking me in. Just because he and I wanted me to live here, she was nice enough to let me come here. I am not too crazy about her anymore, but I still appreciate it SO much that she let me come here.
I just noticed I started almost all the paragraphs with yeah.... lol.
Everyone out there thinks they are mature for their age. How often do you hear people say "Yeah, I'm a total loser and completely immature!" and yet how many completely immature losers do you run into?
Also, your definitions of "making this short," "leaving," "deleting," and "buh bye" are interesting. Not to tell you to run away and delete things, just saying that throwing threats of leaving around without being sincere is kind of... immature. Like temper tantrum-y.
Won't work well in a marriage setting. Someday, he might just tell you to go ahead and leave without trying to stop you. I tell you this because games and temper tantrums don't work in relationships.
Also, I agree with whoever said it is weird for a 22 year old to want to be with a 17 year old in the first place. Honestly, there is usually something wrong with guys in their 20s who seek out relationships with teens.
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Re: Newlyweds 
