General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Did you even go to school? Really. Everyone is basing this on me leaving school in 5th, not knowing my situation to why I had too leave and not knowing I was homeschooled the rest of school. Posted via Mobile Device
So your soon-to-be husband is paying rent to his mother and you and he will be paying her rent.
It sounds like the two of you could pay for your own place now.
It is your fiance who is refusing to get a place of your own right now?
No. He's not refusing. We just can't find a place right now and he's scared to leave her alone right now because of her condition. He's wanting to wait until we can find someone to live with her so he doesn't have to keep a check up on her every day after we leave. We're pretty much just still staying to help her out at the current moment. I know.. It sounds bad but we don't want anythin happening to her and she is also still helping us. Posted via Mobile Device
Also
"Now I'm immature. Congratulations. You can't keep calling someone somethin and expect them not to act that way!"
Grow up and take some responsibility for the way you act. Don't even try to blame us for your immaturity, that's pathetic.
Grow up? Is that all you people know how to say is grow up? Really? I grew up way before I was even supposed to for your information. I take responsibility for the way I act and everything I do. You are who is being immature at this point. If you want me to be immature. I'll show you. But seriously. Just stop with that. You do not know me to be calling me immature. Not only is that disrespectful to me. But you're also disrespecting my parents. Also, you're still judging. And no I'm not a saint. But I am a christian and I DO know that JUDGING IS WRONG. And if we are making the wrong decision than God will definitely let us know. Posted via Mobile Device
I think that a lot of people here are actually concerned about you getting married. Part of the concern is that you are not only so young but living with your MIL and not being able to have your own place will impact your marriage in a very bad way.
50 years ago marriage at your age was very common for girls. It’s not any more for many reasons. One of them is that our society puts a lot of negative pressures on marriage and very little positive pressure to keep a young couple together. Adding a baby to the mix so early in a marriage will make it even harder for you. Babies are hard on a marriage.
Quote:
“So what exactly is the divorce rate for teen marriages? It's pretty grim: Teen marriages are twice as likely to fail compared with those between older couples. Let's take a closer look at the facts on married teens.
One-third of teenage marriages (where the bride is younger than 18) end in divorce within five years, and almost half wind up divorcing within 10 years. Those aren't great odds to begin with, but add parenthood to the mix and it can be a recipe for disaster. Only 30 percent of teen mothers who marry after their child is born are still married by the time they're 40.
Since you are getting married I wish you all the good fortune. I hope you can come to terms with your MIL. I hope that you and your husband grow old together in happiness. If you do you will be beating the odds that are stacked against you.
Grow up? Is that all you people know how to say is grow up? Really? I grew up way before I was even supposed to for your information. I take responsibility for the way I act and everything I do. You are who is being immature at this point. If you want me to be immature. I'll show you. But seriously. Just stop with that. You do not know me to be calling me immature. Not only is that disrespectful to me. But you're also disrespecting my parents. Also, you're still judging. And no I'm not a saint. But I am a christian and I DO know that JUDGING IS WRONG. And if we are making the wrong decision than God will definitely let us know. Posted via Mobile Device
"I take responsibility for the way I act and everything I do"
+
"There. Now I'm immature. Congratulations. You can't keep calling someone somethin and expect them not to act that way!"
Also, I know you are immature by what you say. I don't honestly care if you tell me I'm a judgmental, sinning, immature dolt because I expect to get that from a kid who thinks they are mature and doesn't want to listen to anything other people say.
People make judgements all the time. We take information in and are expected to act based on that information. Without the ability to make judgements you are stuck in limbo, never making any decisions. When you post on a forum asking for advice, people will take the information given to them, process it, and give you what they judge to be the best advice for that situation. The very nature of your post requires me to be judgmental.
Judgment: the formation of an opinion after consideration or deliberation; the capacity to form an opinion by distinguishing and evaluating
If you think judging is wrong, why do you do it? It is hypocritical to call out someone for being judgmental if you are judgmental yourself.
Maybe God IS letting you know you are making the wrong decision and you are choosing to willfully ignore it because it doesn't fit with what you want. Maybe God led you to these forums to get you to think again.
ETA: I'm seeing close to 50% divorce rate in teen marriages as opposed to 24% from 25+. You have a 50/50 chance of getting divorced (you are probably more likely than that given the circumstances).
We are being a pain in the butt because it honestly is not a good idea. :/
Given your level of maturity, reactions and the situation with the mother-in-law and your husband's attachment to her condition, I predict a very painful road to divorce-land in less than one year.
You'll be hard pressed to make it past the 1-year mark. After that, the trouble will most likely double or triple in order to make it to through the 2nd and 3rd year.
Before you turn 25, with your mindset, I predict you'll have at least 2 children with their daddy(or daddies) nowhere around while you work your butt off at the local McDonald's just to feed them.
I sincerely hope my prediction turns out to be false, but let's just say, I know too many CharlotteMaries in my life to bank on my hopes.
Good luck with everything. You'll learn a great deal of lessons in the next 3-4 years. One day you'll wish you could've turned the clock back and reversed some of the decisions you made before you reached your 20s. We all have the same wish. For some people though, those wishes coming true would mean a lot more than others.
Congratulations. Never say you couldn't have known. You could have.
If it's not a good idea than why on earth does it feel so right? Why am I so certain of it if it's such a bad idea?.... Posted via Mobile Device
Because it feels good right now.
No one can tell you if your marriage will fail or be good or bad right now. We don't know either of you or his mother. We can only go by what normally happens.
What I would suggest is that you not have a child right away. Instead it's wise to take about 5 years to let the two of you grow together as a couple, save money, etc. Babies early in a marriage, especially a young marriage, often lead to a lot of problems. Many women lose interest in sex after the baby. They put a lot of effort into their baby as it's requried. And their husband ends up feeling ignored. And with that the marriage slides to it's unhappy end. Take a lot of time for yourselves at first. The first year of marriage is often very hard. It's a huge adjustment. You are both young and have a lifetime to get to know each other, have children, etc. So take the time, the first few years, just for yourselves.
Since you are going through with the wedding, my suggestion is that the two of you learn as much as you can about what makes a good marriage. Look at the links in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage. They could be a great help to both of you.
If it's not a good idea than why on earth does it feel so right? Why am I so certain of it if it's such a bad idea?.... Posted via Mobile Device
Hormones, romanticism, ignorance. It isn't your fault you are ignorant, we all were at that age. It's hard to understand what it means to have to finish school, get a job, barely scrape by on rent, have accidental pregnancies, do taxes, etc.
Since you haven't finished school you are going to have an even harder time finding employment. People are biased against teens to begin with and not being in school would probably make it worse.
It's hard to understand what a shortage on money does to a relationship. It can cause resentment from either party, it is stressful, things get cut back until there is nothing to cut back...
And again, what happens if something happens to him? How are you going to live if he became permanently disabled and couldn't work?
What happens when you have kids? Who gets up in the middle of the night? Are you both the same religion? If he changes his mind about religion are you going to be able to live with that?
What agreements have been made regarding what being faithful means. Porn? Friends of the opposite sex? Strip clubs?
What are the views on drugs and alcohol? What about tattoos and piercings? What is he like when he is stressed? What is he like when he is seriously grieving? What is he like when he is sick?
How about cleanliness? Who is cleaning what, how often, etc. How are chores split? How upset does facial hair trimmings in the sink make you 20 minutes after you clean the bathroom? Does he always put the seat back down or will you fall in? Does he "miss" and hit the floor (and fail to clean it)?
You are still in the honeymoon phase if you have only been with him 10 months. What happens when the hormonal love ends and it changes into a deeper love? Lots of people don't know the difference and think they aren't IN love anymore, and divorce. That initial feeling does NOT last.
ETA: The questions barely scratch the surface... Finances, how you spend money, how you budget, etc. Food. Chronic illness. How time is spent together and apart. Whether motorcycles are ok. New cars or used? Anything and everything is an opportunity for a conflict that can build resentment.
Yeah for real. I get where you're coming from. I know he isn't perfect though. At the beginning of our relationship, I really did think he was perfect, and could do no wrong. But as he grew on me, I started realizing his flaws. Not a bad thing. At least I know them now. He can be a real pain in the booty at times, but what guy isn't?
Hmm, I think it's 5.00 here still. I'm not really sure. They may have went up on it. Last I heard it wasn't much though.
Exactly, and everyone is saying I'm getting defensive and disrespectful and calling me immature, calling me all kinds of stuff because they think I didn't hear what I wanted too. Well what I wanted to hear is people giving me advice and actually being a person about it like you. I don't see why everyone is being so negative about me. It's like I give off some vibe that tells me not to like me or something. It's just ignorant. But yeah, thank YOU for actually talking to me like I'm somebody and not just this little kid that doesn't know what on earth she's doing. Honestly I know exactly what I'm doing.
Yeah, exactly. I have never really seen it until recently. But I really am mature for my age. I have been told by tons of people and I'm starting to see it. I see 15, 16, 17 year old's acting like little children than I see these even 18, 19, 20 year old's acting like a little 10 year old and telling me that I'M immature and that I need to grow up.. It's like "grow up yourself than come back and talk to me" seriously.. I know I can be immature at times. But everyone is at times. You know?
Yeah, I tend to get carried away at times too. But yeah, no one seems to think the love part is important, when it is. It plays a HUGE part in marriages. There's this one guy that said that when I get married it's not just my business, it's EVERYONE'S business. Well from what I have learned, when two people get married, the only one's who have business in it, are the couple, their preacher/counselor and God. I don't see how two people's marriage becomes a community thing, because it doesn't. That has got to be the least smart thing I have ever heard. If that were the case, than our preacher wouldn't just be marrying James and I, he would be marrying everyone in the county we live in and ALL of us would be supporting each other. Am I right?
Well, I want to get an apartment, but the government apartments around here have such strict rules, and so many druggies and crazy people in them. I don't feel safe living in them. My sister and I lived in government apartments a few years ago and it was just completely crazy. Beyond.
And yeah, I never expected to have a big wedding to begin with,. I want it to be as small and personal as possible. Not too many people or whatever. I know tensions with the mother in law causes problems but I'm willing to deal with it until we actually do get our own place. I pretty much have no choice but to deal with it at this point. And no I'm NOT ungrateful, for the people who said I was. I'm not. I'm really thankful and I very VERY much appreciate his mother taking me in. Just because he and I wanted me to live here, she was nice enough to let me come here. I am not too crazy about her anymore, but I still appreciate it SO much that she let me come here.
I just noticed I started almost all the paragraphs with yeah.... lol.
Okay, well recognizing that they have faults like everyone else is important. Also, is minumum wage really 5$ there? That seems very low and I thought that minimum wage was a bit more standard... perhaps I'm mistaken.
Well, I think part of it is that I can relate. I'm not sure which of us is older, but we're both 17 and both considering marriage. For me, it wouldn't be for another year, but still. And I know that maturity is a HUGE factor when it comes to whether a relationship will work or not, no matter what age.
Personally, I think that many people don't believe that love is too important because they have a different definition of it. If they think that love is just a feeling, then it probably isn't as important to them as it would be to someone that believes love to be both a feeling and a commitment. It all depends on perspective.
As far as whos business your marriage is, thats completely up to you. If you choose to share everything about your marriage with your family or community, then yes, it could be everyone's business. If you choose to keep things to yourself, then it is only you and your husband's business. The decision is completely yours.
I realize that an apartment may not be ideal, but if you find that you are not getting along with your MIL and it begins to put strain on your relationship with your husband, it may be your best option. If problems do arise with your MIL, though, what do you intend to do? And I am glad that you are grateful to her. Even if you do not get along perfectly with her, it is important that you let her know that you appreciate what she has done for you.
Question... have you guys been sexually active? I am rereading and not sure if I just missed that part.
Can you send me a personal message and I'll answer that? I just don't feel comfortable answering for everyone to see and end up adding something new to the topic to talk about. Ya know? And as for your other post. I'll reply here in a little bit when I get on a computer. I'm on my phone right now and it's hard to really reply to the long posts. Posted via Mobile Device
Can you send me a personal message and I'll answer that? I just don't feel comfortable answering for everyone to see and end up adding something new to the topic to talk about. Ya know? And as for your other post. I'll reply here in a little bit when I get on a computer. I'm on my phone right now and it's hard to really reply to the long posts. Posted via Mobile Device
Oh God, don't answer all the questions in the other post. It was questions for you to ask yourself. XD
I got linked here earlier, there are questions/topics there too.
Oh God, don't answer all the questions in the other post. It was questions for you to ask yourself. XD
I got linked here earlier, there are questions/topics there too.
No lol I wasn't going to answer all those questions. It just won't let me reply to super long posts on mobile for some reason. Posted via Mobile Device
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