General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
In case anyone is wondering, she is actually much more mature in a one on one conversation. I still personally think she is too young, but I wish her well and hope that all our concerns will make her better prepared for when the honeymoon phase is over.
In case anyone is wondering, she is actually much more mature in a one on one conversation. I still personally think she is too young, but I wish her well and hope that all our concerns will make her better prepared for when the honeymoon phase is over.
Well thank you for clearing it all up
Very much appreciated.
If the reason that you are living at your FMIL's house is to provide care for her due to a medical condition, you should be getting paid for live-in care, NOT paying her for rent.
(If you're not actually providing care, just there 'in case something happens,' she should not be charging you full rent. She should give you a huge break for her peace of mind.)
There are so many things I could comment on, but I am focusing on your original question because I think it is a time-bomb in any marriage to live with your MIL.
Move out immediately. You can find an apartment. There are always apartments. You may not love the first place you see - look around at others. Your H can call his mother on the phone to make sure she's okay.
If she doesn't like that arrangement, she can pay for in-home care or she can stop charging you (so much) rent.
Okay, here's some of the story. My fiancee and I are getting married Saturday April 14th, but here's the problem..
We really don't have the money to get our own place at the moment, but are saving up money to get one in the future. Living with his mother is H3LL. She tries to be in control of everything and even wants to go on our honeymoon with us... is it healthy for us to live with her until we get the money to live on our own? How do I deal with her craziness until we DO get the money to get our own place? There's a lot to this story. But I have been typing so much, there's just entirely to much to type at this point..it's that crazy living with her...
Married my ex when we were both young as well,but I won't reflect on that as we all face trials and tribulations in our life.So I'll just wish you the best on your journey.As for whether or not it's healthy to live there while saving money and how do you deal with the craziness.I would just say,suck it up and realize its short term pain for hopefully long term gain.Just focus on your goal though you might have to bite your tongue on occasion.I know I did,as I was in a similar situation with my ex MIL.Funny thing was,over the years and even after my marriage ended,my MIL became one of my biggest supporters.Take care.
I first saw my husband when I was 19. I knew the second I laid eyes on him that he was the one. I didn't marry him until my mid twenties though.
I know you are going ahead with the marriage, and that is your choice. It could all work out, or it couldn't. The odds are stacked against you, so what you want to do is to make sure you know exactly what you're doing and be as prepared as you can be. Being in your own place, or at least financially stable enough to get one soon on your own would be ideal. Focus ahead on that, and try to deal with your soon to be mother in law with maturity and as calmly as you can. Stand firm on your decisions. You will be able to put your foot down a lot more when you're not living under her roof. She's going to be in your life for a long time now so do your best to maintain a relationship.
Seriously, you're 17. You don't want to listen to anybody because you're 17. Everybody posting here surely can remember that feeling? So don't attack her, all you can do at this point is to give her advice and hope she stores it away for later.
Good luck with the wedding, and saving up for your own place. Keep focused on the two of you, make sure you are financially secure (as in steady jobs and hopefully some savings) before having children. Live as much of your life as you can before you settle down and do the family thing. Plenty, plenty of time. Don't rush into everything adults do because once you become one, you can't go back.
Ignore anyone you feel is being nasty, but store away any good advice you have read for later. It may come in handy. People are trying to help in their own funny way. Best of luck to you both.
Where did that even come from? I've never even thought about wel fare. I'm not sorry like that and going to depend on the state to support me like that. Posted via Mobile Device
Hormones, romanticism, ignorance. It isn't your fault you are ignorant, we all were at that age. It's hard to understand what it means to have to finish school, get a job, barely scrape by on rent, have accidental pregnancies, do taxes, etc.
Since you haven't finished school you are going to have an even harder time finding employment. People are biased against teens to begin with and not being in school would probably make it worse.
It's hard to understand what a shortage on money does to a relationship. It can cause resentment from either party, it is stressful, things get cut back until there is nothing to cut back...
And again, what happens if something happens to him? How are you going to live if he became permanently disabled and couldn't work?
What happens when you have kids? Who gets up in the middle of the night? Are you both the same religion? If he changes his mind about religion are you going to be able to live with that?
What agreements have been made regarding what being faithful means. Porn? Friends of the opposite sex? Strip clubs?
What are the views on drugs and alcohol? What about tattoos and piercings? What is he like when he is stressed? What is he like when he is seriously grieving? What is he like when he is sick?
How about cleanliness? Who is cleaning what, how often, etc. How are chores split? How upset does facial hair trimmings in the sink make you 20 minutes after you clean the bathroom? Does he always put the seat back down or will you fall in? Does he "miss" and hit the floor (and fail to clean it)?
You are still in the honeymoon phase if you have only been with him 10 months. What happens when the hormonal love ends and it changes into a deeper love? Lots of people don't know the difference and think they aren't IN love anymore, and divorce. That initial feeling does NOT last.
ETA: The questions barely scratch the surface... Finances, how you spend money, how you budget, etc. Food. Chronic illness. How time is spent together and apart. Whether motorcycles are ok. New cars or used? Anything and everything is an opportunity for a conflict that can build resentment.
And what the heck double post...
I just wanna talk about love! I thought I was so grown at 17/18
Nothing you can tell kids this age. Just gotta let them do what they do and in about 10 years or so, they usually say, "Man, I didn't know shet!"
My daughter is 12, almost 13...just gotta guide them and love them and hope they don't fall too hard. But, some people just gotta fall.
I am very glad that I listened to my mother, when I was engaged at eighteen years old. I would have been divorced within five years because we were just kids thinking we knew what love was. My first boyfriend was dumb as a box of hammers, emotionally abusive and very immature. He was just following his family tradition of teenage marriage.
Kittykat, it was I who asked why a 22 year old man would want a teenage girl. How predatory and disgusting can someone be? Normal adults date other adults, not high school kids. The OP's fiance probably wanted someone naive and easy to mold.
I know that because I had a taste for older men when I was in my early twenties-all of the older men I dated tried to control me like I was their child. Took me a long time to meet my husband, who is eight years my senior but never tries to boss me around. We met when I was 25. If I met my husband at age 17, we would not have dated because he would have been finishing university then and dating women instead of callow teenage girls. Ugh!
How can anyone believe that they can live off of minimum wage? There is a reason it is referred to as "minimum". Obtaining some sort of education is much more sensible than becoming a spouse with a crappy job; minimum wage is not enough to raise a family or live a comfortable life. Minimum wage is $10.25/hr here, which is $1200/monthly after taxes. The crappiest apartments in this city start at $700 which leaves only $500 left for food, transit, phone, clothing etc. People need to make at least $15 to live comfortably in this city.
More time looking at your math textbooks and less time looking at bridal magazines is in order.
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Re: Newlyweds 
Obtaining some sort of education is much more sensible than becoming a spouse with a crappy job; minimum wage is not enough to raise a family or live a comfortable life. Minimum wage is $10.25/hr here, which is $1200/monthly after taxes. The crappiest apartments in this city start at $700 which leaves only $500 left for food, transit, phone, clothing etc. People need to make at least $15 to live comfortably in this city.
