General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I want to add in a story for you. I have a friend who is an amazing gal, she really is.
I think we were probably 20? give or take at the time. She was in school to become an architect. She asked me what my plans for the future were. No clue on my end, it isn't really something I normally think about. I think things change too much to really bother making timelines for myself. I mean, I wanted to get married, have a career, and be happy but that is vague.
Her? She was going to graduate by 2008 then she was going to do 2 years in the Peace Corps. While in PC she was going to meet a guy (I think he also had to be an architect) and get engaged. When she got out she was going to work doing architecture where lived, get married. When her husband hit a certain pay-grade she was going to have three kids and be a stay-at-home mom for the first 10 years or whatever of their lives while doing volunteer-work with groups like Habitat for Humanity. Then she was going to return to work and work X years until she retired.
I don't remember half the stuff she planned out. It was ridiculous. Every little detail for the next 40+ years of her life planned to a T. Guess who is still single? Yeah. In her case, she really is a very warm person despite how rigid that sounds but...
That is extremely intimidating for a guy, not to mention rigid and unable to account for the fact that life doesn't go as planned. It doesn't sound fun, it makes guys feel like they are an accessory, and it makes the person look like there is zero room for anyone to grow in the relationship. It might affect the schedule if someone were to actually be human or something.
His mother is extremely conservative and Catholic and will not reason on this topic whatsoever.
This woman is principled and convicted. There is no reasoning when it comes to being asked to abandon one's fundamental values and beliefs. It is not you and your wishes that determine or dictate her values.
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Originally Posted by legalgirl91
I have tried to talk to him about other alternatives to solve our situation. All this does is cause us to fight because he thinks I am nagging him.
You ARE nagging him. Learn to respect other people's wishes even though they differ from your own.
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Originally Posted by legalgirl91
Most recently, I wrote him an email telling him that I wished not to continue our relationship if it must continue as it is. I want progression and he won't give it to me.
Boy was that the biggest mind game of all in the ultimate desperate attempt to get your way.
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Originally Posted by legalgirl91
He won't agree to a long engagement, he won't agree to an engagement at all
It's my bet he preferred the idea of engagement and marriage be his own invention and not something he'd be forced to agree on.
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Originally Posted by legalgirl91
I am driving myself insane and him, too.
Yes, and driving me nuts, too LOL. My goodness, you are extremely pushy. So pushy that I wouldn't want to know you. If you think about it, you are so trying to force him to marrying you, or live with you, or whatever else you want that he doesn't want, that all you have accomplished is to push him away.
I think it would be better for you to begin counseling to learn yourself and to learn how to live in this world with other people because pushing and forcing others to do what you want the way you want and precisely when you want is not the way to live unless your residence is an island. Your guy and every other human you meet in this life have the right to their own thoughts, their own needs and desires, their own wishes, and their own decisions as to how to live their lives......in their own time. You also need to learn respect, appreciation, and a few principles won't hurt either. If you don't learn these things, you will keep looking to others for validation and will keep receiving advice like this..............
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Originally Posted by tacoma
He holds his parents needs above yours and this is a SERIOUS red flag.
There are no red flags here, not on his part. He has clearly stated that he does not want to live with you, does not want to marry you, does not want to be engaged to you. It is also not a red flag that he does not want to go against his parents' wishes. They raised him to be a principled man, not unlike themselves. They did as they were supposed to do and as a result, he does not wish to dishonor them, displease them, or disappoint them. If everyone lived capriciously according to your wishes, then no one would have any scruples, values, standards, or respect at all in the way they live their lives. Such people are too few as it is. But, you are bound and determined everyone involved WILL, by hook or crook, give you what you want, see things the way you want, live the way you want. There is something wrong with you, and I mean it in the most sincere fashion possible. It was not meant to insult you. It was an honest, genuine, and true observation.
Have you considered seeking counseling to learn some new ways of relating to people without making it be all about what you want?
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Originally Posted by legalgirl91
He won't do counseling because he believes it is for marriage
and the church.
Yikes! Total myopia in the worst self-centered way. Everything is all about legalgirl91. This is unbelievable. If you read Mavash's question again and still think it is asking about him, here is the news......it is not asking about him.
You keep arguing with everyone (just like you do with him) and re-re-re-stating your position. We read it all the first time, but true to being you, you refuse to accept or listen to what anyone is telling you because you're not exactly able to force us all into agreeing with you. Will you fake blowing up the board like you faked breaking up with boyfriend?
I'll throw 2 cents in here, he is a guy who actually knows what HE wants and is not ceding to either you OR his mother. He is respectful of his mother, which you should see as A HUGE plus, he will not move in with you to please you, nor will he propose to please you, he is in charge of his life and he is living by his rules.
These are good things, because when he DOES decide to marry, it will be real and with everything he has, not some whimsy, but something he feels to his core. You NEED this for a marriage to work, bribery and coercion do not.....
If you are hell bent on your timeline, then ditch him and move on, but in my honest opinion, this guy is a keeper. He is doing what is right, not what is easy.
Relax, enjoy the NOW, and the future will be SO much better!
You already have all the information you need about this man.
Do you really think it makes sense to drag a man kicking and screaming into marriage?
I also think that pushing cohabitation in a way to move toward marriage is counterproductive. What exactly will become the "prize" for him after that occurs?
You need to find a man that will pursue you and move mountains to make sure you are in his life.... That is the man you want to marry.
I'm not trying to be harsh I'm trying to help. I used to BE you so I know where your head is at.
And I meant counseling for YOU not him. He's fine you're the one who is struggling.
Oh! Sorry! Yes, counseling is not out of the question. I have seen a therapist in the past for non-related issues. Thanks again! Posted via Mobile Device
Thank you all for your advice!
@tacoma: I am trying to decrease the distance between us without screwing myself over.
He won't move in with me and I don't see the point in moving by him when we will continue
to live apart. It's the same as now. / His mother IS relevant because she is his mother and she
is dying, and while I am inclined to agree with you slightly, I cannot completely
because I also think that if he respects his mother that much he will equally respect me as his
wife.
You can`t be "equally" respected, loved, needed, cared for.
Someone must sit on top of that pile and to have a good marriage that someone is always your spouse.
Point is YOU must be the priority over everyone else in his life.
When the **** hits the fan and his parents want/need something from him that is a complete opposite and even contrary to what you want/need that call has got to fall towards you by default or you really don`t have him.
In a marriage no one comes before your spouse, not even your kids.
There are no red flags here, not on his part. He has clearly stated that he does not want to live with you, does not want to marry you, does not want to be engaged to you. It is also not a red flag that he does not want to go against his parents' wishes. They raised him to be a principled man, not unlike themselves. They did as they were supposed to do and as a result, he does not wish to dishonor them, displease them, or disappoint them. If everyone lived capriciously according to your wishes, then no one would have any scruples, values, standards, or respect at all in the way they live their lives. Such people are too few as it is. But, you are bound and determined everyone involved WILL, by hook or crook, give you what you want, see things the way you want, live the way you want. There is something wrong with you, and I mean it in the most sincere fashion possible. It was not meant to insult you. It was an honest, genuine, and true observation.
Could you please point out what you have discerned is "wrong" with me from a single post on an internet forum.
You seem to have implied a small novel of concepts attributed to a single sentence quote that I never said, implied, or insinuated.
You can however feel free to continue to create things I didn`t say to argue against if you like.
I find it entertaining.
It is a fact as I know it that if indeed you wish to commit to a marriage then NO ONE ..NO ONE comes before your spouse .
This is simply the best way to keep a pair bond intact.
It`s the ONLY way I know of.
I was like you when I was dating--all my relationships were serious, and I didn't want to be with anyone who wasn't head-over-heels in love with me.
I would tell your boyfriend that you are going to see other people. Don't give him an ultimatum, but let him know that you want to explore other relationships. I don't think it is selfish of you to want the kind of passion and commitment that comes with someone who is willing to marry you once you find that you are compatible.
I want to thank everyone for their input and extend a thank you to anyone who further shares advice. I genuinely came here for advice and criticism because everyone here should be unbiased. The problem with online advice forums is that you only get the part of the story that person decides to share. Otherwise people would have to write a book, in order to explain every detail about their situation and life leading up to it. I hope I did not give the wrong idea. The problem
I posted about has been the only significant problem our relationship has had. Call it me not taking criticism/arguing with you/whatever - I didn't mean to come
off as selfish or manipulative. I am not either of those things and being called that has made me re evaluate not only how I come off on here, but to my boyfriend. While the outcome of how I have handled things with him may have produced a terrible appearance, my intentions were not to do so. Therefore, I AM going to change how I approach not only him but my own outlook on life, especially regarding time lines. I will continue to check back and read this and other forums. I really think this site is a good idea, and again I truly appreciate everyone's input thus far and in the future. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: I've read and read, still need help. 
I have a lot of respect for the approach you are choosing to take. I hope everything works out well for you. 
