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Old 04-13-2012, 08:44 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

Pinky,
read your story and understand that you have active relationship with your husband before and after marriage but after you got a child he is trying to avoid you.. spare sometime to find out his activities..
I am sure you are giving him whatever he need in sex so that he is not having any complaints of being deprived sexually.
If a man is happy in bed his day is bright and active and would want to return home on time.
Be frank try to discuss with him and try to assume that you are a husband and he is a wife .. see how would he react on that.
Sometimes men have to be in the position of women so he will understand better.

RONIE
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Old 04-13-2012, 08:55 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

Thanks for your replies... Yes I have in deed discussed with him a million times and have even asked him to tell me if there is anythng wrong we can always discuss... But as soon as I discuss about "US" as a couple he becomes silent mode... Wouldn't say anythng at all and will act like m talkin bull****. I find that too insulting.

Going to the sex part, he hardly initiates sex. I have to beg him for that. Some times he says do this for me and we will have sex. I find that too cheap!! And I am always available to him when he needs it, but when I want him, he sleeps far, watches tv and doesn't want to get distracted, will push me away if I want to kiss him.. I get so disapointed.
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:01 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

Yes... He never goes in the kitchen because he doesn't even know how to cook anythng.. Not even a cup of tea. When he comes home he gets hot food. He gets everythng that he wants on the table. Even for my baby m the one who does everythng, sometimes he makes her bath but says "oh I made her bath so you make her wear clothes" so I feel like let me just do it... He gets angry at petty issues even if u try laughin with him( I don't even remember having a nice laugh with him), he takes me out for movie once in a while when he's favorite movie is out and he wil say don cuddle me I want to watch movie without getting disturbed.

He took me out for dinner on our anni and whole time he was on the phone sorting out his appts and work... Infact was organizing a trip for his boss cousin(guy) to go. I was left hanging there.
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:37 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

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Originally Posted by pinky2129 View Post
Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam.
Big Red Flags. You need to do a little investigating to see if he has secret accounts that you don't know about or if he is talking to the Other Woman when you are not around. Getting angry is a way of pushing you away from being suspicious.

He's being controlling. He's not taking your feelings or concerns seriously. He's possibly cheating on you. And, you need to strengthen yourself a little so that you don't get walked all over. Beg him for attention and he will do the exact opposite. Look up the "180" and do that!
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:43 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

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understood this woman gives head to the son.
This expression "gives him head" does not mean what you think it means. You mean to say that she is inflating his ego. Don't use the other term, unless you're referring to a sex act, which I doubt you are. I'm not picking on you, just letting you know so you don't accidentally say in a context that will get you into a weird situation.

Don't rely on support from the in-laws. Start making moves to protect yourself. Make some friends, see if you can make some connections and regain control of your own self and life.
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Old 04-14-2012, 01:02 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

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Heyy,
Yes he was really good to me when we didn't get our daughter, I was working to support myself because he use to give me less money that if I buy household stuff nothing remains to me.

We were dating for two years and then got married. Yes his mother doesn't work too. And she gives him head and when he hit me once and I called her that m leaving home.. She came and said I should learn to let go such stuff.. It happens. I understood this woman gives head to the son.
Yes I have made friends since m from another country, but he doesn't let me go out with them, starts fightin with me and just creates a mess that I end up in tears.
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What about your family? Do you have them close by? Are they supportive? From what I read so far, looks like your husband trying to control you and doesn't treat you with respect or care. That is not good. Not sure if he is just taking you for granted or if there is another woman. For starters I would strongly advice:

(1) Do not cry or beg in front of him or appear weak in any way: There might be some people who would melt seeing the tears of their wife, but your husband doesn't seem to be one of them; at least not at this point. The weaker you portray yourself in front of him the stronger he will think he is and will be tempted to treat you like crap. Try to find the strength within you, remember some challenging things you might have done in the past, obstacle you have overcome etc and make yourself stable, confident and emotionally independent.

(2) Reduce your expectations from him till things improve or get worse. That way you will not be disappointed or emotional.

(3) As others mention keep an eye on him. Something doesn't seem right here. What triggered him to radically change his behavior?

(4) Try to make yourself independent so that you would be in a position to consider options if required.

(5) Try to engage yourself in some hobby, books or something in your free time. Empty mind is a devil's mind and you will keep thinking about this 24/7 and in the process would react likewise. Just be distant, calm, composed and strong in front of your husband. Just in case he is taking you for granted he needs to know he shouldn't be. No need to fight or invoke conflicts.. just be cool, and do not be disturbed by his actions. Remember nobody can insult you, hurt you or demean you without your permission.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:07 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Big Red Flags. You need to do a little investigating to see if he has secret accounts that you don't know about or if he is talking to the Other Woman when you are not around. Getting angry is a way of pushing you away from being suspicious.

He's being controlling. He's not taking your feelings or concerns seriously. He's possibly cheating on you. And, you need to strengthen yourself a little so that you don't get walked all over. Beg him for attention and he will do the exact opposite. Look up the "180" and do that!
Thanks for your input... Yes I kept cryin to him begging pleading. But nothing worked, he would see me cry and just go to sleep and that hurt more. Yes tried so many times to do 180 but I can't keep up to it maybe because I have a daughter or I can't just carry on.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:09 AM   #23 (permalink)
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This expression "gives him head" does not mean what you think it means. You mean to say that she is inflating his ego. Don't use the other term, unless you're referring to a sex act, which I doubt you are. I'm not picking on you, just letting you know so you don't accidentally say in a context that will get you into a weird situation.

Don't rely on support from the in-laws. Start making moves to protect yourself. Make some friends, see if you can make some connections and regain control of your own self and life.
Thanks for the correction, yes I meant inflating his ego and not the other one... Ofcourse I have realised that my in laws no matter what would stand by their even though he's wrong.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:24 AM   #24 (permalink)
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What about your family? Do you have them close by? Are they supportive? From what I read so far, looks like your husband trying to control you and doesn't treat you with respect or care. That is not good. Not sure if he is just taking you for granted or if there is another woman. For starters I would strongly advice:

(1) Do not cry or beg in front of him or appear weak in any way: There might be some people who would melt seeing the tears of their wife, but your husband doesn't seem to be one of them; at least not at this point. The weaker you portray yourself in front of him the stronger he will think he is and will be tempted to treat you like crap. Try to find the strength within you, remember some challenging things you might have done in the past, obstacle you have overcome etc and make yourself stable, confident and emotionally independent.

(2) Reduce your expectations from him till things improve or get worse. That way you will not be disappointed or emotional.

(3) As others mention keep an eye on him. Something doesn't seem right here. What triggered him to radically change his behavior?

(4) Try to make yourself independent so that you would be in a position to consider options if required.

(5) Try to engage yourself in some hobby, books or something in your free time. Empty mind is a devil's mind and you will keep thinking about this 24/7 and in the process would react likewise. Just be distant, calm, composed and strong in front of your husband. Just in case he is taking you for granted he needs to know he shouldn't be. No need to fight or invoke conflicts.. just be cool, and do not be disturbed by his actions. Remember nobody can insult you, hurt you or demean you without your permission.
Thanks for your input. Yes I have a family that supports me. They tried helpin me in the past and all they got was insults from my husband. He just tells them off so I feel I shouldn't involve them in anythng because I fear it hurts their self respect by getin insult from a person who they treated like their own son.
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:47 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

Good to know that you have a supportive family and a wonderful daughter. I think that is something you can focus on to keep yourself calm.

With your qualifications do you think you should be able to find a good job if required? Prepare yourself to stand up on your own two feet. You don't need to stand up just yet. Think about any certification etc that you can study for.

I would again emphasize "building up your self confidence and your self esteem" is the number one thing!!

One of the things you can keep in mind (and maybe you can take this with a grain of salt) - In some cases when you might typically ASK him, see if you can replace it with trying to TELL him (e.g. if you have some certification in mind that you want to prepare for... by default you might say "Can I prepare for this certification".... instead say "I am thinking about preparing for this certification".. say it with confidence and calm mind)

The example I mention is vague but basically what I mean is do not act or react as if you are dependent on him emotionally, financially or in any way... and definitely no with begging and crying!!

Do you think you can do that?
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Old 04-14-2012, 02:57 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Good to know that you have a supportive family and a wonderful daughter. I think that is something you can focus on to keep yourself calm.

With your qualifications do you think you should be able to find a good job if required? Prepare yourself to stand up on your own two feet. You don't need to stand up just yet. Think about any certification etc that you can study for.

I would again emphasize "building up your self confidence and your self esteem" is the number one thing!!

One of the things you can keep in mind (and maybe you can take this with a grain of salt) - In some cases when you might typically ASK him, see if you can replace it with trying to TELL him (e.g. if you have some certification in mind that you want to prepare for... by default you might say "Can I prepare for this certification".... instead say "I am thinking about preparing for this certification".. say it with confidence and calm mind)

The example I mention is vague but basically what I mean is do not act or react as if you are dependent on him emotionally, financially or in any way... and definitely no with begging and crying!!

Do you think you can do that?
Yes I have enough qualification to get a nice job with a fairly pay. I wanted to study further but he doesn't allow me. So I have been trying to learn whatever I want from internet. Before marriage he had promised me to make me study a degree but then he said now he doesn't think its needed :-(
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Old 04-14-2012, 03:52 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

The place where you come from... is it normal to treat women like this? I mean in general the women you have seen around... your mom, aunts, friends etc.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:05 AM   #28 (permalink)
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No its not normal... He has a sister and she's treated so well by her husband and in laws. I even give him an eg tht if your sister was treated like this then... He keeps quiet... Like I said for evrythng he just shuts up n quiet. Ignores me like m some bull****.
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Old 04-14-2012, 04:20 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

Do you think anything else changed in your marriage after your daughter was born? Something around his workplace, home, did you put on lot of weight (not that it should matter to a good husband, but just trying to see what suddenly caused this)

How was he with you during your pregnancy? Was he caring at that point? How does he treat your daughter? Is he good towards her, does he spend time with her?
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Old 04-14-2012, 07:25 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Default Re: pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED!

Pinky,
One truth is that if there is no one around...i mean if there are only one man one woman even a blind woman is the queen.. am not saying u are the one but as a wife u deserve to be a queen provided u meet all his needs or marrying you.
unhappy marriage is a nightmare in every body's life. when we are not happy in bed mean we are our life is sucks.
Therefore ignoring you sound like he got another alternative . i don't know what he would react if u ask him to get a medical advice on his sex behavior.
I do suspect infidelity so you better try to find out what actually is going on. i am not really sure whether your marriage was LOVE or Arrange marriage... if it was the later then this is the result of many.
any way i just wish you can find out the truth about him before taking a next step.

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