General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Hello TAM members,
I had posted here before but I didn't get any answer... I have been lurking here for over three months trying to relate my issues with some problems... But I don't get any related solutions...
Short summary... I have been married for 3 n hlf years... Have a 26 month daughter... Have known my hubby for 5 yrs... Now I used to have doubts about him after my daughter got born... He started changin all of the bad... He would be concerned of her but not of me... I used to be suspicious all the time... Because all of the sudden all the love u's went away... Would get irritated if I asked for sex.. Or would even try to kiss him...
Fast forward today... I got a girl jeans from his wardrobe... I don't know what to do... How should I ask him...btw m a SAHM mom... He's work is 9-6 sumtyms even late... Plssss advice... Posted via Mobile Device
I don't understand what you mean by "I got a girl jeans from his wardrobe". Do you mean that you found the jeans belonging to another woman in his wardrobe (or closet)?
Don't ask him just yet about the jeans. You need to find out more about what he's up to.
Does he use his computer often? Does he have a cell phone? If he's cheating, could he be using those to contact anohter woman?
Elegirl- thanks for your reply... Yes I meant that I found another woman's jeans in his closet.. He is tech person... He uses his blackberry a lot but I have access to his mails... I don't see anything there... Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam... And some are just pop ups when he goes to some sites... I stay at home and I just don't knw how to confront him... He gets angry and actually starts getin rude to me... Posted via Mobile Device
I read your other post, the first one you made a long time ago saying that he will not give you money for the things you need, that he hangs out with single men all the time but you don't get to do anything.
Your husband is not treating you well at all. He does not seem to hold much respect for you and what you do as a SAHM.
At this point it's important for you to realize that the only person you can change is yourself. So you need to focus on yourself and what you need to get the life you desire.
Were I you, the first thing I would do is to get a job. If you don't have work skills you need to get into school to get some skills or a higher education.
Start doing things for yourself. Your husband can watch your child some. He's going to have to do things around the house as well. After all if you have to support yourself and get a life for yourself he's going to have to live up to his responsibilities...
And if it comes to this... a divorce... he will have to pay child support and purhaps even spousal support depending on where you live.
Your behavior seems to be that of a woman who sees herself as a victim. As long as you act like a victim he will walk all over you. You have rights. Start acting like the queen of your marriage and household.
Is there someplace near you where you can get individual counseling.. perhaps an abused woman's facility? You really need some help in learning how to claim your rights, how to be assertive and how to move on with your life. If your husband choses to join you in this personal growth at some point he will be a smart man. If he does not... you will be free to find yourself a real man who knows how to love a woman.
Elegirl- thanks for your reply... Yes I meant that I found another woman's jeans in his closet.. He is tech person... He uses his blackberry a lot but I have access to his mails... I don't see anything there... Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam... And some are just pop ups when he goes to some sites... I stay at home and I just don't knw how to confront him... He gets angry and actually starts getin rude to me... Posted via Mobile Device
Could you install a keystroke tracker on his home computer? That way you can see what he is really doing. The dating things might be spam, or they might not.
Do you have access to his cell phone bills? You could check it for things like phone numbers that call him or he calls. Find out whose numbers they are.
Does he get a lot of texts? Who is he getting them from?
He could be deleting texts as they come in, so you might never see any from another woman.
Keep an eye on his things right now. Search his pockets, notes he has in his desk. Search his trash.. i've found a lot of things in the trash in the past.
No.. I have been searching for marriage counselling in my country.. But I don't get any... I have tried to talk to him every chance I get... He acts like am crazy and am imagining things... Yes I know my self esteem has gone too low... Have tried to leave the kid with him but he refuses me to go out without her sayin he can't take of her alone and he gets tired working all the time... Have tryin showing how other couples work on marriages despite having more children... I want to work but he said the day I work will b the last day to be in this house and his daughter. I just can't understnd... Sumtyms feel to commit suicide to end just a trapped life... Posted via Mobile Device
Why does he think that he has the right to tell you not to work?
In your country, can he kick you out of your house and take your child away from you? Surely you have legal rights? Perhaps your first trip should be to a lawyer to find out what your lega rights are.
Here where I live no one can kick their spouse out of the marital home. Neither parent can keep a child away from the other parent legally. And no husband has the right to tell his wife that she cannot work.
Would you mind sharing what country you live in so I can better understand your situation?
I don't have access to phone bills but will surely try to talk to the phone operating company if I can have access to then since we use prepaid phones.. Posted via Mobile Device
Elegirl- thanks for your reply... Yes I meant that I found another woman's jeans in his closet.. He is tech person... He uses his blackberry a lot but I have access to his mails... I don't see anything there... Sometimes he gets calls and goes out.. When asked he says some important client and that I don need to know his work related and starts getin angry... He is always on computer at work... And one more thing I found some online dating sites on his mail... He says they are spam... And some are just pop ups when he goes to some sites... I stay at home and I just don't knw how to confront him... He gets angry and actually starts getin rude to me... Posted via Mobile Device
For what I understood, he's misusing your economical dependance on him and starting to act like he wants without thinking about you. Dating sites as spams? Hmm, not likely... I have been using internet and have email for more than 8 years and never got one, I only got spam after going to porn sites without thinking about consequences. Spams are usually just deleted, not left to hand out in mail. Be careful with him and what your moves are you going to take. The more depend you on him, more "power" he will see. You should get yourself on feet and show some dominance and independence. My brother was acting like that. You have to make "red line" which you will not allow him to cross.
For what I understood, he's misusing your economical dependance on him and starting to act like he wants without thinking about you. Dating sites as spams? Hmm, not likely... I have been using internet and have email for more than 8 years and never got one, I only got spam after going to porn sites without thinking about consequences. Spams are usually just deleted, not left to hand out in mail. Be careful with him and what your moves are you going to take. The more depend you on him, more "power" he will see. You should get yourself on feet and show some dominance and independence. My brother was acting like that. You have to make "red line" which you will not allow him to cross.
Thanks for your reply... That's the exact thing I was telling him that how come I don't get any pop ups and emails... He gets from adultfinder.com.(A dating site), pornhub.com.. I have even shown him when he went to check on baby and I saw it open... He said it just pops up.. I have seen many other sites. I have not seen him as a porn addict. I have even told him that I really miss his attention and affection on me.. He says m imagining things.. But I don't see myslf wrong.. I even told him that I like the attention I like when other guys hit on me when we Go out.. I feel good... I said that to trigger him atleast to notice... But I failed... Posted via Mobile Device
- Was he good to you before your daughter was born?
- Has he ever physically hurt you?
- Were you dating before you got married or was your marriage arranged?
- What kind of a family background does he come from? Looks like he comes from a place where women (and especially women who don't work) are not respected. If you don't mind sharing where you are from that would help.
- Do you have any close friends around?
- Would you have the support of your family/parents just in case?
- Were you working before marriage? Do you have a degree?
- Was he good to you before your daughter was born?
- Has he ever physically hurt you?
- Were you dating before you got married or was your marriage arranged?
- What kind of a family background does he come from? Looks like he comes from a place where women (and especially women who don't work) are not respected. If you don't mind sharing where you are from that would help.
- Do you have any close friends around?
- Would you have the support of your family/parents just in case?
- Were you working before marriage? Do you have a degree?
Heyy,
Yes he was really good to me when we didn't get our daughter, I was working to support myself because he use to give me less money that if I buy household stuff nothing remains to me.
We were dating for two years and then got married. Yes his mother doesn't work too. And she gives him head and when he hit me once and I called her that m leaving home.. She came and said I should learn to let go such stuff.. It happens. I understood this woman gives head to the son.
Yes I have made friends since m from another country, but he doesn't let me go out with them, starts fightin with me and just creates a mess that I end up in tears. Posted via Mobile Device
Pinky, I think I know which part of the world you are coming from. Sorry to hear of your situation. I know that sometimes, in that country, we women have NO rights. And that is a horrible feeling. The society is a patriarchial one.
I wanted to ask you - you said you were working before your daughter was born? Why don't you continue the job now? If your husband does not like, who cares? May be, he is concerned about the daughter's welfare, which is understandable but she is almost 2 years old now and you can definitely leave her in day-care.
Can you get legal support somehow? that way you can confidently go out and start searching for jobs. Remember, this is your home as much as it is your husband's. He is only taking advantage of the situation. I don't think this is because you a SAHM. Some men act crazy, no matter what.
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pls... URGENT ADVICE NEEDED! 
