I'm in denial
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Old 04-12-2012, 01:05 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default I'm in denial

I have been reading a lot on here and I am recognizing that my marriage is in much worse shape than I like to think. I booked an appt with a therapist - to start therapy again -solo. My DH and I did therapy awhile back -- and as soon as I let my guard down - he stopped going.

Here's where we are: We just moved across country for my new job (company transfer)...my husband didn't want to wait until we moved. He came along and turned down the job that was offered to him when we arrived. He's unemployed now -- and "looking". He's freelance at my company this week (we work in the same field) and he's insulted the pres of the company...and arrived late 2 of the 3 days. He's VERY talented -- but he's a tough nut to crack and he's making me look bad.

We don't have sx. When we do -- it's over in seconds. (long running issue)...Last time -- he just apologized and got in the shower.

He's always complaining about something.. this morning he walked into MY office as I was typing an email at work ...and he had a hard drive and pushed me out of the way. Told me that he needed to download something on MY computer? It was for one of his freelance projects...I was in the middle of working!

He's just not all that kind... even though he means well (most of the time). I tried to talk with him last night about his abrasive nature and asked him to try and monitor that ..since he is making me look bad at work! He just started in on how he was "a failure" and can "never do anything right"....

I just feel trapped. I'm trapped financially right now...and emotionally. I don't want to get a divorce...and I really just don't know what to do.

What would you do?
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Old 04-12-2012, 01:16 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

You need to set boundaries with your husband. Learn to say no. If you are in the middle of something and he comes in then tell him he is going to have to wait until you are done. You are letting him walk all over you. Stand up for yourself. Be understanding but assertive in your communication.

My .02$
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Old 04-12-2012, 01:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

Thanks for the input! My issue is that ANY time I stand up to him, we end up in a big fight. He just goes on and on about how I am making him feel bad...and that he's no good. It ends up becoming a nasty fight. So - I often think it's better to just keep my mouth shut and avoid all the drama, ya know? If I said something any time I felt hurt or walked on...it would end up being ugly. We'd be in a constant state of fighting.
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Old 04-12-2012, 01:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

Quote:
Originally Posted by questionme2 View Post

he's a tough nut to crack and he's making me look bad.
he is making me look bad at work!

What would you do?
I'm not real sure exactly how he makes you look bad. He is his own person so why would what he does affect people's opinion of you?

My humble suggestion would be to try to find some things he is doing right and make a point to mention them regularly.
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Old 04-12-2012, 01:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

He makes me look bad...becuase I talked him up and GOT him the freelance work ...and now he's failing on the job. Then..he insulted our company President... not good.

And I DO compliment him...any time I can! I do! I don't even complain about the bedroom part...even though I am in desperate need of sx!
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Old 04-12-2012, 02:24 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

Quote:
Originally Posted by questionme2 View Post
He makes me look bad...becuase I talked him up and GOT him the freelance work ...and now he's failing on the job. Then..he insulted our company President... not good.

And I DO compliment him...any time I can! I do! I don't even complain about the bedroom part...even though I am in desperate need of sx!
I still don't see how that makes you look bad. At worst you oversold the guy while trying to get a little extra family income to offset your cost burden for starting up the new job.

If you are already honoring him with compliments then maybe a little more would help. And I would back away from any "standing up to him" and try to be encouraging instead.
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Old 04-12-2012, 02:31 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

Quote:
My issue is that ANY time I stand up to him, we end up in a big fight. He just goes on and on about how I am making him feel bad...and that he's no good. It ends up becoming a nasty fight. So - I often think it's better to just keep my mouth shut and avoid all the drama, ya know? If I said something any time I felt hurt or walked on...it would end up being ugly. We'd be in a constant state of fighting.
His self-deprecation when you do stand up for yourself sounds manipulative to me. I hope I'm wrong, but I've experienced this myself (ex-fiance and my own mother) and I know other women and men who have as well. Please bring this up to your therapist.

Quote:
I booked an appt with a therapist - to start therapy again -solo.

That is the best thing you can do right now.
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Old 04-12-2012, 02:46 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: I'm in denial

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His self-deprecation when you do stand up for yourself sounds manipulative to me.
Definitely at least an attempt to be manipulative as in childish and immature. The man does not appear to be an adult partner in this relationship, I mean why would what his wife says make him feel anything let alone bad? That leaves the op in charge and imho she would be better served building him up rather than tearing him down, at least if she has any long term plans that include him.
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