luvmydarling

Just wondering, would you discuss your marriage issues and/or sex life with a friend of the opposite sex? is that considered " cheating". I don't know.

I have a handful of close friends in my life and two of them are guys. I'm really close to one of the guys and sometimes I feel I could really use his opinion(he is a very balanced guy) without going into explicit details. But then I feel I might be doing injustice to my marriage. Having said that, I feel even opening up in a public forum is some form of cheating.

What should I do? what are your thoughts on this topic?How is this different from discussing the topic between members of the same sex? I'm curious to know what TAM thinks on this

P.S.:I am 27 year female, husband is 30 and my friend is younger to me.

2nd_t!me iz_best

a lot of times that leads to big trouble.
its usually not too good of an idea.
my opinion is find someone of the same sex.
or use the people here, who some at least, have been through the same things.

that_girl

Well, in person, there's more chance of something happening.

Online, you are anonymous and can just get your thoughts out.

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lovesherman

No, you should not get emotional support from a male friend about your marriage problems.

It is even dangerous to talk to female friends--you can turn him into a heartless monster if you dissect his faults too much with others.

Ask yourself if you would want him to discuss your marital problems with a female friend of his.

unbelievable

I don't think it's adultary but it's not smart and it's certainly not relationship-enhancing.

kittykat09

It's asking for trouble. You make someone who is most likely sexually attracted to you on some level aware that there are problems in your relationship, for one. You create a bond with them that can lead to more problems than it is worth (at the very least higher likelihood of an emotional affair). It can also drive a wedge between you and your SO- every time he sees you with that guy he might assume you are bad-mouthing him again.

IMO the best person to talk about marital issues with is your husband. Then you keep the bonds within the marriage and strengthen the relationship. That might just be me though, not sure what anyone else's take is.

Also, don't discuss marriage problems with family. In my experience, they don't forgive as readily as you do and might hold a grudge over something that is not an issue for you anymore. Creates awkward tensions and damages the relationship between the SO and your parents.

tm84

I don't think that it's a good idea to discuss marriage issues with someone of the opposite sex, friend or not. It can open the door to way too many problems, as bonds can form that can lead to and EA or PA. This is exactly what happened when I had my EA. I opened way too many doors with a female friend and that caused the sh!tstorm in my marriage that I'm still dealing with months later.

Talk to your husband and work with him to figure things out. If you need to, find a marriage counselor to help you deal with your problems together. Trust me, you don't want to deal with the potential problems you might heap on top of whatever is going on now.

Suzyque

I agree with second time. If there is any, even the remotest, attraction between you, you present yourself as vulnerable, and the temptation to provide lots of "comfort" may be overwhelming for friend. He may see an open door.

As second time put it "a lot of times it leads to trouble" and in my experience it has!

Edit: I just read kitty kats post, and she said it a lot better than I did

Suzyque

Also I would like to add that after I discussed my problems to an overly sympathetic friend, I felt sad and disloyal. I really had betrayed the trust the marriage was supposed to have.

Entropy3000

Inappropriate -- check

Unfaithful -- check

Cheating -- maybe

You are bonding with them in an intimate way. Essentially putting them at this status is competes with your spouses intimacy. It definitely opens up one relationship to be trumped by another. You are providing inside information that can be used against your husband. This also leads to plausible discussion about sex. Telling a guy about what gets you off and / or how you have not had sex with your husband for a month is inviting a pass at you. It also leads to some interesting email and texts that when the husband checks are going to look very bad to him.

Just imagine if a woman told her male frined she cannot orgasm from penetration. He is a friend he will want to help her out.

This is particularly bad if you are doing something your spouse woud object to.

Pretty much it is a very bad idea. If you really feel this comfortable you are already in deep.

Having opposite sex friends -- Ok

Having very close opposite sex friends -- Asking for major problems sooner or later. After all, you are just friends.

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Jeff74

I personally do not see anything wrong with it and I do not consider it cheating. Seeking advice from friends to help your marriage out seems like a good idea because sometimes it is good to get another person's perspective. I have a very close female friend who went through a lot with her husband and I felt like being there for her meant a lot and helped. Fast forward 2 years and she and her husband are doing great and she now is pregnant with their second child.

In my opinion it simply comes down to the type of person you are. For some people perhaps having friends of the opposite sex will lead to affairs, but for others this will simply never happen.
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kittykat09

I think that oversimplifies it. Some people who would never cheat have small boundaries crossed and over time they are having an emotional affair without having meant to develop feelings for the other person. I'm not trying to justify cheating, I'm just also saying that it isn't something that you should assume could never happen just because someone is a Good Person.

It just isn't a good idea. It's great that it worked out fine in your case, but it was a risk that was taken on both sides. Not worth it IMO.

F-102

While there are some marital things that one can discuss innocently (i.e.-"What kind of gift should I get him?" or "Where would be a nice romantic place to take her for dinner?"), discussing issues, while even with the best of intentions, is dangerous at best. You may simply be looking for advice to handle a situation, but the opposite sex discussion recipient may very well start to think "Oh, trouble in paradise, huh?" and will see that as their green light to rescue the "damsel in distress".

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luvmydarling

Thanks to all of you at TAM for providing inputs to the discussion.

It is interesting to see that most of us say a no-no to discussing marriage issues outside of marriage.

I do not have any major issues with my marriage/spouse but sometimes there are these moments of "frustration" that I just want to let go. As an example, I feel ready for kids now and my husband is not a 100% ready. This is not a problem, in the true sense, at this point but may be a couple of years down the line it could be one. I definitely am against talking things like " hey, we had sex today and bla bla bla" or " we haven't had sex for 2 months " and so on. Its just that I'm wondering if discussing anything at all, related to marriage that is , is a no.Also,I agree that this behavior could lead to an EA.

Jeff,
I would want to agree with you on this one. However, it looks like many of us here at TAM think otherwise. I too feel that friends are for sharing,or are we only supposed to have a good time and move one. OFcourse, I would not never share serious details about sex or marriage.

I'm waitinf to read more opinions

Jeff74

I may be in the minority with my opinion but I still do not consider it cheating and I see nothing wrong with it.

At the end of the day, affairs do not just "happen". People make the decision to have them. It has nothing to do with being a good or bad person..it is simply a decision. In my view people need to take responsibility for their actions.

Again I realize I am in the minority but that's the way I think. I agree that for some people having friends of the opposite sex, etc could lead them to choose to have an affair. For others this decision would never be made. Again, it is not about good or bad, it is simply about decision making..and yes, in my opinion it is very simple. You choose either to have an affair or you choose not to have an affair regardless of the situation. It is all about personal responsibility and choice.
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