confusedremainingfaithful

I have known my husband for three years, married for two. He went through a difficult divorce and lost contact with his infant son for a while. My husband is also a pastor and in the military. I met him online, a few months before he deployed. He intrigued me because he was so smart and funny - even before I met him. I could tell he was dating other women, so I tried not to take him too seriously. He kept pushing for more with me though. He told me he loved me first, talked about engagement/marriage, even having more children. I was going through a divorce at the time and didn't really want to jump back into a marriage. Prior to his deployment he added me to his bank accounts and while he was deployed he proposed to me. He would call me all the time while he was deployed, we studied relationship books, and grew our relationship. I thought I was the only one in his life.

When he returned, I moved in with him and I started to see otherwise. I found movie tickets for movies I didn't see with him. The bank account showed him paying for porn sites. His computer history would show he was looking for escorts. His email was left open and I saw he was still contacting women and posting ads on dating sites. I found emails to other women in which he talked about wanting them to be his wife. It was heartbreaking. I tried to break off everything and leave, but couldn't. He was so non-chalant and insisted we were yet to be married, so there was nothing wrong. His extremely traditional/religious parents found out we were living together and disowned him until he married me. So he promised me a nice wedding/honeymoon and house. A month before the wedding he refused to pay for anything and I called it off. Again, I was compelled to go forward and ended up throwing something together last minute. We stayed in a crappy hotel and came home the next day. A week later he had to go away for training with the military and asked me to join him - his crappy attempt at a honeymoon. He was gone from 9-5 each day and again left his email on his laptop. I found out that on the day of our marriage and even during the week we were on our "honeymoon" he was asking women for naked pictures and posting ads. I was so hurt, I wanted to hurt him and I pushed him. He apologized and we tried to move forward. Here we are three years later, and I am still dealing with him giving his number out to ex-girlfriends. He got really cozy with a woman from his college and broke it off. He denies his marriage to me completely and I have to stay on him to wear his wedding ring. We run a business together and he hires these women he gets very personal with. These women don't even know I am behind the scenes, writing out their paychecks. I write them employee welcome letters and he pulls them out of the new hire packets. I have had to put parental controls on the computers because he is addicted to pornography. I have two children from a previous marriage and he says he wants to adopt them (they even call him dad) - but in public (his school, job, etc) he only acknowledges his biological son as his "family."

I understand that he has been hurt before. I get that he may be insecure. He's constantly having dreams that I am cheating on him. I have dabbled in posting personal ads for a couple days to make him feel what I felt. I told him after two days of the ad being up (it was not for any needs I had at all). I have remained faithful and I am now 6 months pregnant with our son. It is difficult being in the public eye (church) and supporting this "Man of God" when his life is such a contradiction. I don't understand why I am a secret, why he isn't proud to be my husband. We have an interracial relationship - but I am beautiful and intelligent. I am extremely humble but acknowledge that I am possibly even out of his league.

My sex life sucks. I am constantly pleasing him and I can count how many times he has tried to please me on one hand.

His latest disappointment was two weeks ago. He had his cell # changed to get rid of some of these women calling him and he gave out his new number to four exes. With one he even texted her saying he wanted to meet up with her. It just makes me sick.

If my children knew he doesn't even really consider them to be his children, it would devastate them. Their father is deceased.

Am I an idiot for believing that this man is going to outgrow this? Am I stupid for believing if I show him I am not going anywhere, he will get it together? Don't get me wrong, he is an excellent provider. He takes care of me and three children - I haven't had to work in over two years. I am finishing up my degree and he is very supportive of it; however, he also feels I will leave him once that is accomplished.

I am tired of the lies. I don't feel as though he is my friend. If I did 1/3 of what he has done to me, I would be kicked to the curb. Enough rambling, a male perspective would be very appreciated.

kittykat09

Kind of, yes. He has never been faithful to you, why would you think he would change? The way things are is working for him, he has no motivation to change.

Stand up for yourself and get out of there before he screws up your kids and how they view what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like.

No matter what he tells you about how much he loves you, he is lying. If he loved you, you would be the only one for him. He doesn't understand what love is. :/

rundown

I am sorry. He will NEVER change. He will never respect you. Worst of all he disrespects your children. Run as fast as you can and never look back. If not you need to get used to the fact that you live in an open marriage. How you have put up with this for 3 years is WAY beyond me.
Do not believe a word this man says to you when trying to talk you into staying. When people show you who they are, you should believe them. I am pretty sure he has shown you.

confusedremainingfaithful

I appreciate the comments, but I can't prove that anything physical has occurred. He is a huge flirt that takes things to the line and then walks away. I have spoken to several women he has flirted with and it is evident that nothing physical is going on. He is home every night. I don't expect him to change, especially not overnight. I just expect him to grow.

kittykat09

It doesn't matter if you can't prove it, he isn't being faithful in the way you want and you know it. He is a womanizer and no woman will be enough for him. It isn't your fault that he is that way, and he isn't going to change for anyone. He has been like this since you have known him.

Learn from your experience with this guy. In the future, don't marry a guy you feel needs to change or grow to be a good husband. People only change when they want to so it is better to love someone for who they are and find someone who loves you as you are.

A spouse isn't a project car, you can't go in and replace parts you don't like.

Tall Average Guy

He may eventually grow, but almost certainly not with you. He seems like the type to need a reason to grow, and that reason will be you kicking him to the curb. As it is, he is behaving poorly and you are letting him. What reason does he have to change? Leave and find someone that you deserve.

swedish

I think he already believes you aren't going anywhere based on your past reaction to finding out about his contact with other women and moving forward with the marriage regardless. It seems to me he already believes you will keep putting up with this behavior since you have been up to this point.

__________________
~Swedish

No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.
Albert Einstein

KanDo

yes

do_ob

As a guy I'll tell you that he's not going to change. He has some serious issues and has never been faithful to you.

RelationshipAdviceHelp

I am really sorry for your suffering and that you are now pregnant with his child.

I am afraid I must agree that it was foolish (overly hopeful?) on your part to even marry him.

Unless he actually did get saved by the blood of Christ and God worked a miracle in your lives, I would not be too hopeful if I were you.

He sounds like a very sad and pathetic hypocrite.

He has no respect for you or your children as proven by the continual pain he causes you.

Goldmember357

this is not good he lies and does not care to please you? he is not fully committed to the marriage.

tacoma

I don`t want to hurt you anymore but why did you marry this guy?

You knew what he was going in and you still married him?

He won`t change and you knew what you were getting.

EleGirl

If you want to know what is really going on, install a keystroke tracker on his computer. There are some that will either email the reports to you or send them to a web site where you can pick them up.

Your husband is cheating on you… he is putting his attending on other women instead of on your and your children. His being a big flirt is not an excuse for abusing you and your trust in him. Once you have evidence of what is really going on, you can handle this as it is advised for people to handle their cheating spouse….

Insist on the following:

He gives you the passwords to all of his computer accounts and his cell phone.

He agrees to allow you to put a keystroke logger on his computer.
Have him write no contact letters (emails if they are online) to he girlfriends.

He allows you to contact these women and talk to them. Do not expect the women to tell you the truth. They will lie… affair partners usually do to protect their affairs. Make sure that every woman knows about all the others. You will want to contact all of the women to let them know that he is married, has children and a new baby on the way.

What I did when I found my husband behaving about the same way yours is was to get the emails and chats from all of the women and I set each of them a packet so that they could see that he was playing games on all of them.

You also need to expose his affairs to the husbands of the other women if they are married. To his family. Since he’s a pastor, it really should be exposed to his congregation as well as he has no business being a ‘spiritual’ leader.

If he will not do the above then he is not willing to do what is necessary to repair (or finally build) your marriage.

In the end he will probably keep up the behavior and just find ways to do it behind your back. You will put lots of energy into monitoring him until you feel like you have become the mother of a very naughty 14 year old.

To be honest, I have been through some of what you are going through. Like you husband, yours is a broken man. He will never be able to really love you. You will some need for him.. like a house mate, chief cook and bottle washer. It’s highly unlikely that he will turn around and be the husband you want.
IMHO, divorce is your only viable choice here.

__________________
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confusedremainingfaithful

I actually have installed a keylogger. He did give me his passwords and closed his facebook account. He has changed his number twice. I have exposed his behavior to his parents (who are our pastors). He knows I routinely go through his stuff to throw out pornography. I have talked to the other women and sent out a bulk email, with our wedding picture as proof. I have even spoken with another minister's wife at our church and she is in a similar situation.

All the monitoring did drive me crazy. He ended up changing his passwords, of course, gave out his new number, etc. He did take time to study why he was addicted to pornography and it has slowed down, but I am doubtful it ceased. After the last incident with the text saying he wanted to meet his ex girlfriend, he did seem very remorseful. He said he wasn't truly sorry before and now he was. He always blamed his behavior on my behavior. He says I disrespect him and criticize him. I know my behavior is a product of his, but I am not going to go back and forth on the issue.

After every incident I am more motivated to leave him. My children are happy though. I guess I am hoping I can hold on until I graduate next year. May as well get something out of this. I just wonder why we are so cynical about marriage nowadays. Divorce, divorce, divorce. Everyone goes through something. We'll see . . . he has one more year to get it together.

SlowlyGettingWiser

Confused:

If you are determined to stay and finish your education, I don't think that is a bad choice. You will be better able to support your 3 children with a good education.

I would offer you some caveats, though.

- Do not have unprotected sex with him. You think he is not cheating on you physically, but you can't know that for sure. What about next month or next year? You have to protect yourself from diseases that he could possibly bring into your life.

- Do NOT allow him to adopt your children. I get that your children's father is dead, and I am sorry for them and for you. I know that you would like a good male role model as a father for them. Is your husband that man? Even YOU would have to admit not. (He disowns them and you and he disrespects you REPEATEDLY.) Is he the kind of man your late husband would want raising his children, teaching them values and teaching them how to be strong, Christian men and women and loving marital partners? Surely not.

If you're determined to stay until your education is done, then protect yourself physically, emotionally and financially until you attain your goal.

Your husband dreams that you're cheating on him? Yeah, a guilty conscience will do that to you. If you were cheating on him, he would be able to justify (in his own mind) his cr*ppy treatment of you all these years.

Your husband fears you will leave him as soon as you finish your education? He has a right to fear that. He KNOWS he deserves it and is just hoping that you will be too weak, too maleable to do other than what he wants (which is sit and take it.)

Read books that will strengthen yourself emotionally (Maybe check out the Coping With Infidelity section of this website.) Love and protect your children from the hurt he inflicts emotionally on you and them (mostly by his denials). Make some short- and long-term goals for yourself and your children. Take steps regularly (weekly and monthly) to move yourself towards those goals.

"I just wonder why we are so cynical about marriage nowadays. Divorce, divorce, divorce. Everyone goes through something." Yes, everyone DOES go through something. Both spouses in every marriage go through something. But the 'something' that some people go through is unacceptable behavior if a person is going to be healthy and productive. Many of the people on this board have been physically, emotionally or verbally abused FOR YEARS and have decided that for their own sanity/spirit or the sanity/spirit of their children, they have to move on. I don't judge them.

Remember, divorce existed way before Jesus' time. It is the natural order for humans that relationships vary as do tolerances for severe misbehavior.