General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Ok, so this is really hard for me..i guess maybe as its due to a whole acceptance thing and admittacne thing...and for some reason i feel (for now) talking aboutthis on line with strangers than openly talking about it with friends and fmaily...
See heres my dilema...although once explained im sure you will all tell me there is only one solution...(which deep down i know, i think i just need to come to terms with it...)
im 29 years old, about to turn 30 this summer. Ive been with my current boyfriend for over 2 and a half years.
When we started out like any new relationship it was magical and just perfect and i thought i had found the one. ....Now....im not sure...
i love him, i do, but i think we are just falling apart. I cant remember the last time he toldmehe loved me, with outme saying it first. He can hardly look my in they eye, he done tdo the little things i crave and miss like hugs and the odd kiss or the tellingme im pretty type thing.
He spends alot of time on line and omg his fingers are attatched to his phone! yet can he ever send me a simple text to ask how my day is...nope.
Im also pretty sure hes text cheeting on me...but his phone never leaves his side so i dont know how to go about finding out for sure. If i ask out right he will probably deny it. Ive caught glimpses of the texts and they are not things you just text girls who are firneds. And i know hes got about 3 or 4 on the go. Pretty damn hypocritical from a guy whos last girlfriend cheeted on him!
In about a weeks time we are coming up to the anniversary of when he lost his gran and i get thats hard, but at time i feel like im in bed with a stranger. He also keeps making a big deal out of NEVER wanting to get married or have children...both things i want.
We live together, but at times i feel more like his mum or the maid than i do his girlfriend.
I know by reading this you are probably all screaming out for me to just leave, but its hard....where we live is easy for me to get to work. Money is also an issues and i cant affor to go home (to my parents) as its too far from where i work...
Some times he does pick himself up out of these slumps as this is not the first time ive felt like this in our relationship, but im fed up of him blowing hot and cold andme not really knowing if to day he will love me or decide to be cold withme...
But im scared to leave as well, as yes i admit im scared to be on my own and im scared of people thingking i am a failure as atalmost 30 i have no marriage or kids or home (as we rent curently) to show for myself.
So what do i do? Please just some words of advise...would be nice....i just feel....lost.
Eden, you are right, you do know the answer to your problem but are not ready to go just yet.
If you didn't mention how long you have been with your boyfriend, I would have thought you were married for 25 years. You shouldn't be having these feelings and getting your feelings ignored so soon in the relationship.
I know you love him, but you are young. There are so many men out there that will give you what you need. Obviously, your boyfriend is too immature to give a crap about your feelings. You will leave when you have had enough.
Another suggestion that I make to anyone so young and unhappy. Did you ever consider just being single for awhile? Get to know yourself. Don't base your happiness on a man (I used to do that with my boyfriend when I was your age.)
Oh, and he is not going to change, in fact, he may get more insensitive as time goes on. The more you beg, ask, nag, whatever, for affection and attention, the more he is going to pull away.
Remember, you are loveable, smart, and your feelings do matter. You matter. If this fool doesn't see all that, it is his loss. I'm sorry I gave you advice you expected, but you know deep in your heart what you need to do.
endlessgrief said :Oh, and he is not going to change, in fact, he may get more insensitive as time goes on. The more you beg, ask, nag, whatever, for affection and attention, the more he is going to pull away
So true.
This man is not ready to marry anyone.....the red flags are shouting.... he won't look you in the eyes anymore... he doesn't text you to ask how you are, you can't remember the last time he said "I love you" & you have to say it 1st, he no longer tells you are are pretty, you said he has 3-4 girls on the go, hinting at steamy texts to them
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He also keeps making a big deal out of NEVER wanting to get married or have children...both things i want.
You need to leave him... find a way! If you are a woman who is desiring marraige & childen, this is the LAST type of man you want to get entangled with....he has shown his heart is divided, he has told you he doesn't want the same things-even saying he NEVER wants those things, it can't get any more clearer than that. He is not suddenly going to wake up one day... and change.
Leave him in the dust!! You are wasting these years. This is your life, you need to take the wheel... get creative, look at your options, anything is Do-able when we want it bad enough. Start making some phone calls... friends, family you can crash with, a co-worker possibly..to make the break.
You are wasting your time, your life, your youth, and your energy on this man. I'm not saying he's a bad man, you just don't want the same things out of life. That's okay. Everybody is different. Doesn't make you 'bad' for wanting them nor him 'bad' for not wanting them.
You KNOW you need to move on. "im scared of people thingking i am a failure as atalmost 30 i have no marriage or kids or home" You are CERTAINLY not the only 30yo who is unmarried, childless and renting. There are MILLIONS of them out there; all for various reasons. You need to concentrate on YOU. Move on and start building a new life full of activities and people YOU love. It is not too late!
To reference Dr. Phil: The only thing worse than spending 2.5 years in an unhappy/unfulfilling relationship is spending 2.5 years and ONE DAY in an unhappy/unfulfilling relationship. This relationship is never going to meet your needs.
You're not a failure at 30. You are a strong woman who has (hopefully) chosen a new path in her life. There are endless possibilities for you to choose. Nobody chooses a single, unswerving path from birth to death. Doesn't happen. Life is full of choices...every week, every month, every year. Make this the year (maybe even the month) YOU make a new choice. It doesn't mean your old choices were bad or mistakes. They were right for you AT THE TIME, but THAT time has gone.
Move on! Don't think of it as starting over from scratch. Think of it as a book...and you are starting a new chapter! Remember the lessons that you have learned from previous chapters of your life (lack of marriage and children are deal-breakers in your future relationships).
By the way, I was 40yo (my husband was 48yo) when I gave birth to our only child. Was I older than all the other moms? Hell yes! Did people mistake her Dad for her Grandpa? Yep, all the time. So what! She is healthy, smart, beautiful and wickedly funny. Being 30 does NOT have to be the 'end' of anything (hopes/dreams/life). It can be the BEGINNING of a new, more confident, more mature YOU!
Start hunting for ads that need a roommate that are closer to your work... Or maybe looking for a better more secure job for yourself (Closer to parents home, if that is an option with a new job).
You really don't sound like this is the type of relationship you want for long term. I'd say, go back to whereever you were, before you met this guy... If that is still an option.
If not, you need to start looking. Sorry, but I agree, you already know in your heart the answer. Just because a guy is nice & not an abuser, or not a drug addict & someone that you have grown fond of/in love with over the years, does NOT mean he is the best man to have a long relationship with.
Next time you meet someone new... take it very slow. Be sure of yourself first. No matter what, don't "settle" just because you are close to 30. Look how many people find new, truer, better loves after divorces. Just because you've not married yet, doesn't put you in any lesser of a dating quality than other women in their 30's that are trying to find a second or third husband. (Other than that they know what qualities NOT to look for!)
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Never Simple, Never Easy..Please Advise 
