JessyRose

I've tried every possible angle on this.. he REFUSES and says if i push it then its over.. I've given up mentioning doctors or counseling. He says this has nothing to do with his family or anything and he isn't gay.. just "things are different now" what I can't wrap my head around is why do I have to just roll with HIS waves?? What about me?? Do I even exist here anymore?? He says I do, that he loves me and then tells me that I'm the one not letting us move forward, that I don't want to put forth the effort to make this work..GRRRRRR. At this point I feel like the best thing would be for me to do ME and just let him be and wait until (if) he decides to reach for me.. I guess.. idk.. I'm an INCREDIBLY affectonate woman and when I tell you that we haven't so much as sat on the same couch let alone even just hold hands in the past almost 3 weeks I'm not kidding. it's KILLNG me.. I neeeeed touch.. neeeed love, affection. I've never felt so alone and rejected in my life.. I tell him this and he says "i'm not comfortable with that and that isn't the way it is. it's just different now" I feel like.. "ok, so because YOU SAY SO, I just just be like sure ok, you got it.." !!

Jeff/BC

I'm still unclear on why you are allowing this ... man ... to commit crimes against you... reprehensible crimes at that.

He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that.

I get the crying part. What I don't get is why you didn't contact the police immediately afterwards. How much must he hurt you or some other woman before you'd be willing to stop him? Are you planning on having children with this man? I surely hope not.

By the way, I totally understand being horny and not wanting to "get off". I'm horny right at this instant but just "getting off" would not be what I want. For me, at least, there's so much more than the simple physical release part.

reset button

If he keeps telling you "Things are differnet now" I think you have to at least consider he has done something that he feels is or has damaged your marriage, and he is unsure how to handle it. Are you VERY sure he has not developed feelings for someone else or had a ONS or something. Is he possibly having trouble at work where he feels he may loose his job etc.. Does he owe anybody money that he can't pay back etc.. IMO you really need to read between the lines to see why "things are different now"

JessyRose

JEFF:

I didn't contact the police because this is my husband and I want to protect him (I know, dumb lady right) If I were to let everything out in the open he'd get his butt beat for sure.. I love this man and am willing to do anything for him. I feel like maybe I've been TOO good to him all along and now he only wants more and more and wants to have control. In a marriage it shouldn't be about power or control at all, ever. it should be 50/50 whenever it comes to that. No, I don't plan to have kids with him, or with anyone. I'm not interested in being a mother at all, which we discussed before there was ever even a ring on my finger (lay all the cards out on the table, remember) He doesn't want children either. I actually had an IUD implanted to be proactive on this subject under the agreement that after the 5 years of the IUD we'd reconsider children and if still "no" then vasectomy time (his idea) Either way, I feel I've done SO much, sacrificed SO much for him and yet he has the NERVE to tell me that I'm not trying. I just keep going back to the "mirror" theory. He's tossing insults and abuse my way that he actually feels about himself but doesn't want to admit it. I get that, been there. But bottom line is, can't help someone who is hurting you and unwilling to help themselves. Could you explain the "getting off" thing to me from a man's point of view? I mean, from a woman's point of view, if there's drama, pain, struggle in my life I usually don't want it either.. ??

RESET BUTTON:

What is "ONS" and "IMO"?

He is definitely not cheating on me. It's embarrassing to admit but after all this, I did look into his phone records (bill is in my name) and scoped out the computer and NOTHING. I've even spoken openly to him about it. It's crossed my mind that he may be gay too.. Spoke to him about all that. No no no no.. ok, then what? "it's just different. our relationship has changed" Idk.. I think the best thing (for my sanity right now) is to just BE. Do my thing, let him do his and hope that we come together again.. All I know is I am DONE throwing myself at him, catering to him and showering him with love and affection...

JessyRose

He tells me to just "do it myself" but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that just isn't the same as the caress of another.. Just feels so unreal so someone of my age to be in a sexless marriage. We've got it made! No kids, no pets, nothing holding us down or away from each other! (except him now..) Could it possibly REALLY be that all this time he's had no.. "release"?? Sorry, but I just don't buy that.. That's another thing.. he says I have to start trusting him and if I don't how can this work? Are you kidding me?? After all you've done I have to trust YOU?! You've gotta earn that buddy! All he says is "I am"..

we used to shower together every night.. now he keeps the doors all shut, won't even get changed in the same room as me.. I have to practically beg for a hug.. I can't live like this.. I'm dying for affection..

anchorwatch

Sorry, didn't see you wanted to use this thread, I posted this in SIM.

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He is using the same method that 3 year old children use to control their parents. He wants something but he doesn't know how or what to ask for...so he tantrums. Don't beg after him, he's feeding off it, like a child does with a parent.. He is not mature enough to interact with adults.

Sorry to say, he is not ready to engage with you as a grown up. This is not something you can't fix!!! Some people take longer than others to grow up. Hopefully they don't do themselves or others damage on their way to maturity. You are experiencing the damages now.

It's not your fault he is that way. You see something in him that attracts you. That's why you stay with him. But I don't see this working. You could wait around, but change will not come for years...I mean that, years of damage to come. Start planing your way out now. Don't be afraid and don't be let this ruin your life. It's never too late to pick yourself up. Be strong.

JessyRose

so.....

Last night I came home after being gone the entire day with my family to find my husband piss drunk in the livingroom (have never seen him smashed before) with screaming music blasted, drawing broken hearts and laughing.. Long story short, he wanted to "talk" and I refused because he was obliterated saying that we could talk in the AM when all heads were clear.. Wasn't taking no for an answer so here we go again with the yanking, screaming and pulling on me, telling me to "listen to him" and all that. Talking about more lies and threats about sex marriage and regret (to get a rise out of me I'm sure) I texted "911" to my friend after struggling to get my phone back from him, slapping him in the face to get free and then zooming out the door. Then called the police for domestic abuse.. Waited at the nearby church, spoke to an officer who when to my house but husband wouldn't open the door or acknowledge he was home. Texted me "I'm sorry". I let the officer call him from my cell phone and talk to him about consequences of what he's doing. Not sure what husband said in response.. Then he called me about 20 times, text messages, voicemails all saying he's so sorry and we need to talk. I ignored all of it and I stayed at my friend's house until the morning when I could talk to my family about what happened at which point we just got back from going to my apartment to get any valuables/some clothes and just my basic possessions. I guess husband was trying to baracade himself into the bedroom when we arrived because when I opened the bedroom door he was trying to move his dresser towards the door. Then he must have given up and he just sat on the bed and watched me with a depressed guilty look on his face. (too little too late buddy) I left with my father and brother and am planning on going back tomorrow during the day while he's at work to just basically move myself out of that place.. Now, should I be technical and take everything that is MINE and leave him with whatever he came here with?? or still have a heart and leave him with a bed to rest his head??? Suggestions please!

WomanScorned

I would take whatever you feel you should have that's yours. If you brought the bed into the marriage, then take it.

EleGirl

Yep, take what is yours and what you think you should.

Did you bring the bed into the marriage? If you did take it. He works right? He can buy himself a bed. You will have to set up your own place. So if you need it, take it.

Sounds like he had to get drunk to losen up enough to talk. Too bad he chose that as the way to do it.

__________________
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Prodigal

Good for you. You started seeing the pattern. Believe me, if a man hits you once, he'll do it again. And it gets progressively worse. I was a battered spouse. Then I went to court, got a restraining order, had ex tossed out of the house, and had three BIG men go in with me to take every single item that was mine.


Things to consider: block his phone, block his emails, and if he starts showing up unannounced, seriously consider getting a restraining order. He needs to know you really mean business.

You are within your legal rights to take every doggone thing that you brought with you into the marriage. When you go back, make sure you have family with you, or a couple of guys. Don't be surprised if your husband is still in the house, barricaded in the bedroom, or suddenly pops up. If he is barricaded in the bedroom again, call the police. As far as where hubs decides to rest his head, well, as he has told you, "things have changed." That includes where he chooses to sleep and what he chooses to sleep on.

Good for you. You deserve a heckuva lot better than this train wreck!

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

JessyRose

I brought everything into the marriage. without me he has no car, no computer, no bed and basically no furniture.. I feel like a biootch to leave him with nothing but why should I have to refurnish an entire apartment all over again just to accomidate his mess up?? I also took the passbook to our savings account and am contemplating emptying that as well but guilt on leaving him high and dry is weighing on my conscience ya know?

Prodigal

I understand. But do you think he would really feel like a total d!ck the next time he shoved you around?

Well, of course it is weighing on your conscience. You were trying to save the marriage, while your husband was trashing it. If the savings account is in both names, I would suggest you take half the money. Did he put money into the account too? BTW, if you have other accounts in joint names, now is the time to get them in your name alone, particularly credit cards.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

NickCampbell

Having read all this, I realize you're in the process of moving out (for the better), but I think your behavior needs to be looked at as well ( for your next relationship),

On one hand you say you don't snoop, find it embarrassing, etc, but then talk about always checking the browsing history - how is that not "snooping?"

Next you make a fuss about him masturbating, but you go ahead and do it yourself?

My take is that he's depressed, maybe work is getting stressful..coming home to someone accusatory, checking browser history regularly, getting upset and making a fuss over porn (he's probably just embarrassed by it), wouldn't help.

I think counseling should of entered the picture long ago, and if things do turn around between you two, it needs to be a requirement.

KathyBatesel

JessyRose, I feel for you and hope things work out for you now and later, whether it's with your husband or someone in your future.

However, everyone here makes it sound like he's the bad guy and you're completely innocent, which isn't what I am seeing. Yes, his actions were wrong. So were yours.

Your husband is a man. When a man is treated as if he's your child, he's going to feel like less of a man. I think this is what happened when you discovered the porn. You overreacted, dictated to him what he had to do (basically get your permission and participation in order to enjoy something he wants to enjoy), and in that moment, he flipped into the coping mechanisms he has always used since childhood - lying, saying hurtful things, withdrawing from you. It doesn't make those behaviors right - I'm not saying that. What I am saying is that you have a role that contributed to this, too, even though he's full responsible for his actions. If you continue to interact with him, you'll keep getting the same results if you do not change your own communication style.

The same theme keeps playing out. He feels powerless, so he tries to get power.

I'd bet that if you asked him if he's been feeling powerless, and you stop and listen and tell him why his opinions are right (instead of arguing about where you think he's wrong) you'll find yourself having the most productive conversation you two have ever had.

He tells you he's not attracted, etc. because he's convincing himself to leave you. He certainly doesn't feel attracted to feeling powerless, and you're coming to represent that feeling for him in his life because he has given you SO much influence over him that he's feeling emasculated.

From that point, he *has* to find a way to feel better about himself and feel like a man. Some guys start hearing taunting that they're "whipped" that makes it worse. Some guys turn to other interests (another woman, diving into work or hobbies) but it sounds like your guy doesn't have any support network that he can turn to.

If you go back to him and try to make it work, you have to let him have a lot more influence on things. He watches porn. He may or may not be addicted, but if you tell him that he's free to watch it, and you stop being resentful, you'll certainly be getting more sex than you are now! Instead of "Don't do it again without me" or "At least tell me about it," try saying, "I'm sorry. I realize now it's a way for you to enjoy some sexual pleasure without feeling like you have to meet anyone's expectations, so I'm going to learn to live with it. And if you ever want to share it with me, I'll be excited to do that."

You do not have a right to exert so much control. If you have insecurities, it's up to you to learn how to feel more secure. It's not your partner's job to do things they don't want to in order for you to feel better. As someone (Thomas Jefferson, maybe?) said, "A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still."

anchorwatch

Good for you, Jessy. You've taken the first step to end this toxic relationship, all for the better. It's too early in your life to be dealing with problems like that. Good to hear your family is supporting you too. As for your H, he may or may not ever realize his mistakes. He is too far broke for you to fix. But you have nothing to feel bad about in the relationship, except for the fact that you didn't deserve to be treated like that.


And don't ever let someone tell you should't snoop, good marriages have full transparency. If any behavior is hidden from your spouse it's hidden for a reason, it's wrong. And if a spouse finds any behavior disrespectful, the other needs to stop that activity.
Men don't put their hands on a woman in anger. Period!