NickCampbell

No one said not to snoop - just take a moment to look at your own behavior, because your actions and what you're saying isn't adding up.

For the sake of the next relationship, it's good to be on the same page with yourself.

Jeff/BC

JesseRose:

For me anyway (not to be constued as all men) sex is not just sex. There needs to be emotional closeness which was damaged at the time. In addition, this particular time, I had some specific desires in mind that made anything else seem like it would be unsatisfying.... A short term fetish if you will. So I opted for simply waiting till the emotional landscape was in better shape and then I was able to get what I wanted. But that's not even "normal" for me much less "men". It was just one specific bit of weirdness.
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Prodigal

Uh, did I miss something here? Her husband has shoved her and gotten verbally/physically abusive several times. What is it that doesn't compute with you? I would be interested to know.

She is leaving a guy who withholds sex, tells her "things have changed," and then tries to punch her out when she attempts to leave.

What am I missing with regard to inconsistency here???

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

NickCampbell

Yes - you're jumping to the end, when what were addressing are prior behaviors..

Unless I'm wrong, but I swore I read her "I don't believe in snooping and find it embarrassing.." "but I was in the habit of checking his browsing history regularly" occurred BEFORE the other things you're talking about.

I would atleast be thrown in a loop to be in a relationship with someone who expressed those beliefs, then next did everything opposite...just be aware of that inconsistency is all im saying..

Lyris

He's been withholding sex and refusing to discuss it, which is emotionally abusive.

He's been physically abusive.

He sounds, frankly, unhinged, particularly pretending not to be home and barricading the door to the bedroom.

And you want to pick on her checking his browser history? Talk about focussing on the barnacles on the Titanic.

Very glad you've gone, JesseRose. Don't go back, except to take everything that is yours.
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NickCampbell

1. The physical abuse incident happened after, you're forgetting there was a history between them before that..

2. A relationship isn't just one person. I'm only highlighting that the OP had a part in it as well, and I gave examples that stood out.

Throwing a fit because he masturbates to porn, yet "getting horny" to the sound of neighbors doing it, and having to leave to masturbate - doesn't strike you as ironic?

Or voicing how you're against snooping - yet you're regularly engaging in that behavior, etc etc ...doesn't strike you as odd?

Yes, he ended up crossing a line, yes they're maybe better apart than together, but it doesn't change the fact that messages the op was sending were..contradictory.

And she needs to realize that.

I'm still getting the impression he was depressed and stressed or something that counseling would of been the key to.

Your "unhinged" theory relies on examples that are uncharacteristic (the op said she's never before seen him "wasted" or whatever), and quite extreme and unusual...like cops knocking at your door...not an everyday thing...

JessyRose

no, i do not want to be with this person any longer. i actually dont even know who he is anymore and have lost any and all feeling for him.. i've been at my parents house for 2 days with no contact other than him seeing me pack a few bags.. there is nothing he could do or say that would change how i feel about this..

husband contacted me today to talk about divorce. he wants to sell everything and split it mutually. even wants to sell the jewelry hes bought me over the duration of the relationship. i feel i shouldnt have to split that with him. those were all gifts and it just seems petty... he's broke now and needs a car so i feel like he's just trying to stack his chips any way he can. he is being calm and respectful with me at least.. could be a different side of him though. he's got a very jekyl and hyde thing going. he wants to file for divorce under "irretrievable breakdown" contested. I don't agree with the terms. In NY they won't let you file for divorce until you've been seperated for a year or have been crashing for 6 months. he's saying its been "downhill spiral for 6months" BULL****! we JUST got back from our first anniversary cruise in february. The vacation was bliss, sex was bliss, holidays was bliss. This just started up 1 month ago. He's saying he wants to settle it asap and so do i but i also want to do it RIGHT. I feel he is at fault for our divorce. he kept me in the dark about a million things, witheld sex, abused me (mentally and physically).. Should I fight it or should I just take the quickest way out? I feel I have rights and I want to make sure this goes down 100% accuarately..

JessyRose

seems to me like he wants to rush outta this thing just like we rushed in.. all impulse.. I can't allow any room for error anymore.

Prodigal

Please get to an attorney ASAP. Any and all gifts are your's to keep. Gifts are not split in a divorce settlement; neither is anything you brought into the marriage.

Given the short duration of this marriage, I doubt he'll get anything. It sounds like he does not have a job. If he has one, he'd better start using mass transit to get to work.

Something weird is going on here. Six months into the marriage and he suddenly pulls back and starts telling things have changed?

Is there any chance he is involved with another woman or man?

BTW, let him contest if he so desires. In New York, you do not need grounds to dissolve a marriage. Yes, the one year wait stinks, but get a good attorney, get your ducks in a row, and please get his name or your name removed for anything owned together. If there isn't anything, fine.

And, remember, jewelry, gifts, inheritance money ... NONE of it is his to have, whether he likes it or not.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

JessyRose

prodigal:

I'm not in a rush to finalize anything. I'm just trying to gather myself, ya know? He's the one who is rush rush rush. Seems like he thinks this will all be settled within one week. Not realistic.. I don't see how having a piece of paper by law or not at this point makes much difference. I mean, it isn't like either of us (as far as I know) are seeing anyone or interested in having a serious commitment to anyone any time soon so I don't understand his mindset on the rush. As for the jewlery, all the jewlery he bought me was charged to a credit card that I paid most of the time.. and trust me, it wasn't even close to thousands. Aside from the wedding rings I'd say maybe $500.. Yes, I would spend all my money on him, always bought him lots of stuff. This is ridiculous though. I feel like we're just splitting hairs with this crap. Is the world really this petty??

As for possessions, we have none. We rent an apartment that he's now residing in because "realistically I can't afford it" so here I am on my parent's couch.. All we have is the furniture inside the apartment. We both had cars when we got together. His crapped out over a year ago so we junked it and shared my car (which was totalled about 3 weeks ago) He agreed to letting me have the bedroom dressers along with my vanity set and dressing mirror and we sell everything else and split it.

He actually has a good job. He lost 4 jobs during the 2.5 years we were together and this is honesty the best we've ever had it. Great place, good income, just the car situation. He wanted to use the savings money to pay for a lawyer but I said absolutely not. I took the passbook so he can't do anything with it. Besides, my father set up that account for us about 2 months ago and husband hasn't put anything into it so I feel it should just go to my father (which I got him to agree with)

You need to understand something here.. When I got with my husband, he had NOTHING. Was living at home, JUST got his car on the road, got laid off, was a pothead.. we got together and I lifted him up and put him on a throne. He was eating better, looked better, had a support system. He lost 4 jobs over the course of almost 2 years and during those months that we had NOTHING my father paid our rent and helped in any way he could to support us, never asking for anything in return other than for my husband to treat me right and take care of me once he bounced back from the economy. I even borrowed $1,000 against my life insurance policy to pay the rent once. Well, here we are in a great position, having bounced back from the economy and look what he does.. Sorry to sound *****y, but this freaking guy is an assssshoollleee.. I have SO much resentment towards him it's unbelievable. Even just reading this thread from start to finish astounds me.. The whole time all I was ever worried about was HIM.. Stupid girl..

Eli-Zor

After reading all that i have to agree with this

At the time love may have been blind but now! move on and find someone who values you and is prepared to put the effort in, be it work or in home life.

Prodigal

Okay, I DO see your point. Let me try to clear out some of the forest so you can start seeing the trees. That piece of paper does make a difference. How? Just an example: Let's say he was driving your car, was in an accident, and was found to be at fault. You are on the registration. You would be liable. Stinks? Yep, but that is the law.

Also, he wants out of this pretty fast. Yes, I understand he is impetuous. But does any of this rash behavior have to do with someone else being in the picture? Again, please detach from the anger for a minute and think about this. Six months into the marriage, he isn't into having sex with you, "things have changed," and he starts to distance himself. It may just be that he is a jerk. But he may be a jerk who is having an online affair.

He is splitting hairs. Like it or not, I'd get an attorney involved, just so this goof can't feel like he "won." On the other hand, if you want to cut your loses and have minimal aggravation, let him have whatever he wants. Good riddance.

I truly understand your resentment. I had a sh!tload of it. I had to drive around in my car just ranting at my invisible ex-husband to get it off my chest. He was just like your's.

But I want you to step back from the anger again for a minute. You knew this guy was a "project" when you got together. I mean, four jobs in two years??? You were enabling. I can sympathize with this, too, having done it myself.

Yep, you married yourself a real azzhat. Now it's time to start working through all the anger. Remember, you were there helping him to dig his way out of that hole he got himself into. I think you have learned a valuable lesson: don't take on any more "Project Men."

Consider getting into counseling to find out why and how you ended up with this character. Vent. Rant. A good counselor will allow you to let off steam. You will also be forced to focus on yourself in order to get rid of the resentment. I got to the point that I realized all my hatred for my ex was only hurting me. My ex was still a flaming a$$hole, who couldn't care less if I was ticked off at him or not. I was drinking poison in order to kill someone else.

This is a fresh wound for you. I'd suggest cutting off communication for the time being. Please, trust me on this - you DO need an attorney. Why? Because you are dealing with a manipulating opportunist. Protect yourself, even if you don't think you have much that needs protecting.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

ShawnD

How do you legally declare that it's a gift? He could just as easily say he was buying the jewelry for himself and she was free to use it as long as they were together. He could also claim that the TV is his because she gave it to him. It's your word against his, so yes it does come down to splitting hair. If he's crazy enough, he might literally demand half of your hair

I mention this because that's exactly what I'm doing with my second car. The only reason I have two cars is so my girlfriend has something to drive (we live together). I won't hand over a $15,000 car to someone I'm not even married to, but I'm willing to share as long as we are together. If I gave her a $1,000 sapphire ring, I would have all of the documentation in my name and the insurance in my name so it's my ring and she can't keep it if we break up.


Speaking of money, make sure your money doesn't go into a joint account. You definitely don't want him to use your money to hire a lawyer.
If you have a lawyer and he doesn't, you can take almost anything you want. Him being a bum doesn't help his case either.

Try to be reasonable about this. If him winning 55% instead of 50% allows him to feel like he won, then do it. Some people lose tens of thousands of dollars to their lawyers because they don't want the other person to get the silverware they bought at walmart

Prodigal

Jewelry is considered a gift, unless you both have a signed, notarized document saying otherwise. This is how the courts have ruled. I do not know in which Circuit you live; however, I assure you, I can cite to multiple court decisions and statutory law that verify jewelry is considered a gift. This is basic tort/contract law.

Your insuring an item does not make it your's. I hope her name isn't on the title/registration of the car you have loaned her. If it is, she owns the car. Or at the very least, you would have to buy her out on half the value of the car if she wants to keep it. On the other hand, if she wants to keep half a car on which she is considered the "owner," by virtue of being on the registration, she can pay you half the assessed value of said car.

This is the law. I don't pull these "rabbits" out of my hat.

No, this is not true. People who buy items from Walmart are probably not in a financial position to spend "tens of thousands" of dollars fighting over their stainless flatware. I don't believe Walmart even sells genuine silverware.

I'm not pulling this stuff out of my backside. Maybe that is because I practice law ....

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Lyris

The OP's husband was refusing to have sex with her and using porn and masturbating instead. She got horny listening to the upstairs neighbours, wanted to have sex with her husband, he refused and so she masturbated. How are these situations similar?
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