He simply says "this is the way it is now, there's no going back, I don't want you. Move on.."
I filled my xanax rx today.. took 4 and had to get a ride home from work I was so messed up. Passed out for 5 hours.. Just woke up and my first thought was "damn.. should've just take then whole damn bottle.." He doesn't care if I live or die..
I couldn't do that to my family though. How could my little brother's live with that???
I'm feeling more and more desperate by the minute. Feeling drastically needy of him, then HATING him.. then just wanting to be completely numb and nonexistent..
Listen, JR, you need counseling. All the pills in the world are not going to change your thinking. Believe me, I've gone that route. I was wacking myself out on Klonopin just to make it through another agonizing day in he!! with a husband who was so drunk, he was crapping all over all family room floor. Thankfully, I had tile floors!
You need to let this go, because what you have on your hands almost sounds like addiction. The more he pulls away, the less available he becomes, the more you want him.
You are considering, to some degree, taking enough pills to off yourself. You also are not able to deal with the anger you feel at this point. Having a desire to get numb and be nonexistent is dangerous.
You start mixing pills with booze, and you could end up in the E.R. - with an i.d. tag on your toe - if you catch my drift.
It sounds like you have a family to support you. Can you speak freely with your parents, siblings, best friends? If you start feeling seriously suicidal - and it sounds like you are at least contemplating it - please get your a$$ to the E.R. NOW.
You are being overwhelmed by conflicting emotions. Frankly, it might just be the real truth that you married a royal butthead. Still, you are grieving a loss, but it sounds like you don't know how to grieve in a way that is particularly healthy.
Do you feel you need more help/support than you are currently getting?