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newlywed doomed for divorce..?

9K views 92 replies 22 participants last post by  NickCampbell 
#1 ·
I'm 24 years old, been with my husband for a little over 2 years, married 1. (went to high school together, so I know you're thinking we married too young/soon) He'll be 24 in a few months, so we're the same age. We have no kids, no do we want any. That's never been an issue.

To set the premise for you: From day one weve had nothing but similar interestes, hobbies, wants, needs, outlooks and goals. Like any normal, human couple, we've had our minor disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary..We were perfect for each other. Had sex regularly, I won't be graphic, but put it to you this way; he was never left wanting for anything in any way AT ALL.

Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean. Once I PULLED the truth out of him, told him that no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie, he told me it was because I was boring him in bed, that I just wasn't enough basically. After long talks and whatnot, he said he was just bored in general (at that moment in time) it had really nothing to do with me. So me being accepting of the male being took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again. That if that was something he was interested in then I would happily participate, just be open and honest. We moved on. Then about 8 months into our married life, he did it again but tried to hide it and lied again. Once I got him to finally admit the truth to me again, he said he was just bored and looking for stimulation at that moment. Mind you, I was in the bed in the other room ready, willing and able for whatever he needed.. We talked it out, he opened up to me by telling me how porn has just always been a part of his life from a young age and he mostly just watches it for entertainment and sexual ideas to play out with me. I accepted that answer and just repeated to him how it made me feel, that I wanted to be included and that still, no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie. I asked him to please never lie or hide anything from me again. He swore on our marriage..

Over the past month or two he's been completely silent with me. Totally shut me out. I've been basically pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me about his thoughts, his feelings, anything at all. After a few weeks of me begging for communication (something that was one of our biggest strong points) I finally became nasty. No longer patient, just wanting answers so I would yell and fight with him. After about one week of that, in the middle of a fight I needed to step out, take a breather and he wouldn't let me leave. he blocked the doors, stood "guard" and screamed in my face that if I even stepped foot outside, I wasn't welcome back in. This irrational threat made me more furious. So you won't talk to me but I can't step outside for a breather?? No sense.. He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that. I came home about 4 hours later to a silent home. He was angry at me for leaving, but what was I to do?? I told him his behavior was unacceptable and I needed answers. Took 2 more days but he finally says that he's changed. He agrees that what he has done (silence and rage) is abusive and he feels it can't be fixed. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants, who he wants (no, there's nobody else). He says he's no longer attracted to me. I told him I felt it was because of all the fighting but he says no, he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I must say that as a realist I would accept this if I had changed at all during our relationship but I truely have not. I haven't gained a single pound, I still look, act and dress the exact SAME. The only difference is that I've recently had a few minor breakouts on my face because of the hormonal change from having an IUD inserted. I swear to you, that's IT.

I really don't know where to go from here.. I'm so young yet I feel ancient. I feel used and empty, I feel alone and insecure. I've always been confident and openminded to everything and everyone but this is a pill I just can't swallow. Could this just be a phase he's going through? I know it sounds corny, but we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness, if you know what I mean. We always kind of wrote our own ticket. To see this sudden change in the one person I've ever felt comfortable with, trusted, vowed to grow old with.. It's killing me. I haven't slept, haven't eaten. I've been "not-sleeping" on the couch and he says he doesn't even miss me. On top of it all, last week our car was totaled in an accident in which I was driving. He seems to be completely unphased by even this.. Like it really doesn't matter. All I hear from him is confusion, anger, disgust even resentment.

Please, please, someone help me get out of this hole...
 
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#2 ·
As posted in the other thread:


"Get the hell out now."

He should NEVER have grabbed you and thrown you into the couch. He should not have yelled in your face. He should not be threatening you. He should not have lied about porn. He should NEVER have said such hurtful things (you're boring, you're ugly, you're gross). Porn should never be more interesting than real sex with his real wife.

He has a serious porn addiction, he is emotionally abusive, and he is becoming physically abusive. Get the hell out now, no more chances.

It isn't you. You could be perfect and he would still be sick. He would still find you boring and ugly compared to fantasies and airbrushed bodies. This is his issue and he needs help- but you don't have to be there while he gets it.

Get out before he makes you feel worse about yourself or before he physically hurts you.
 
#3 ·
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's not a good situation at all.

There is a very good chance that your husband is cheating. His behavior is very much in line with the cheater's script. His saying that he is no longer attracted to you, the distance, even the sudden turn to violence.

How is he with his cell phone? Does is keep it password protected? Does he guard it? How about his computer? Does he have everything password protected so that you have no access to this accounts? Does he spend much time on the computer?

How much time does he spend away from home? Perhaps you need to do more investigation on what he's been up to.

If he's not cheating, then the porn could be the issue. Perhaps he's more attached to the use of porn then he has admitted to you.
 
#4 ·
KITTYKAT09:

First I want to thank you for your reply.. Feels good to know I'm not sitting up all night completely alone..

Whenever I've spoken to my husband about the porn in the past he's told me it has nothing to do with me and I really do accept that.. and I've moved on from that. Kinda just wanted a back story for readers to get a feel for the whole scenario, ya know? But the trust isn't there.. he's so wishy washy on it all and it's just driving my crazy. My self image is being destroyed.. I mean, I'm not perfect but I'm definitely not gross. I'm 5'1, 150pounds, huge boobs, very shapely, long red hair, green eyes.. I make sure I ALWAYS keep myself "up" ya know? Makeup always done, clothes always perfect, I love to serve my man. I work parttime, cook, clean, do all the laundry, organize the bills. I all but wipe his butt for him. I'm afraid I may have put him up on a throne in the beginning and it's gone to his head. Then again, I don't think he's just playing head games with me. I do believe his confusion. I've suggested conseling, doctors, testing. Maybe he has an imbalance, maybe he needs meds.. Whatever it is, from day one I've always made it clear to him that I am here or him, I support him and will stick by him through anything he 's going through, but at this point I feel he's selfish. That he isn't mature enough, that he hasn't grown enough to even be able to love someone fully.. When I say this to him he just says "i dunno, I'm confused"...
 
#16 ·
He is using you. He is cheating on you. You do everything for him and he wants to secure that resource. But, because you do everything for him, he will never man up and treat you with respect. You've become his mother. That's why he is turning to other women and porn. He may just be addicted to porn.

1. STOP doing everything for him. Expect him to contribute to your partnership or get out because otherwise, he is dead weight dragging you down.

2. This is not about you. You're attractive and young. No matter how hot you are, he is still not going to see it. He prefers the porn, the performance and the emotional distance, the made-up bodies. He prefers fantasies to the real thing. You are the real thing and not a fantasy and so he is never going to get close to you.

3. If he is making you feel bad about yourself, then he is being emotionally and psychologically abusive. He's doing this to make sure you don't leave and so he has his resource there, even though he doesn't take care of her.

4, I would bet you a LOT that he is cheating on you. He's acting like cheaters always act. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity so, don't tolerate this, and don't wait around for him to change, because if he is like this so early in your marriage and so un-remorseful for how he is hurting you, he is not going to change. You will be trapped in a sh*tty marriage when you could be living a better life.

5. You CANNOT change him and he is showing you that he does not want to change. No matter how much you love him and want him to change, you can't change him. Now, he is just rebelling against you and will deliberately choose to oppose you. The only way he'd change is if he suffered a loss because of this behavior. You have to stop trying to fix him and salvage this. For your own good. For his good, too.

So many people on this board have the same story as you. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please do not ignore this or pretend nothing is wrong. Something is very very very wrong and it isn't you, it's him.
 
#5 ·
ELEGIRL:

Thank you for the reply.

I've never been a "snooper" but since the first caught lie I have been super observant about everything.

I don't believe he's cheating at all.. he has ZERO friends, ZERO family. My family and I are all that he has. Literally. We share a computer but he knows I check the history so I doubt he'd be dumb enough not to be deleting anything. Besides that, he's almost never on the computer. He's always either at work, or at home with me. That's it.

As for his phone, on our most recent phone bill there were a few megabyte charges or something (I'm not technically hip haha, I use my phone for calls and texts, that's it) He doesn't use his phone for internet so I questioned it. He said having it in his pocket at work may have hit a few buttons. It happens I guess. I was still suspicious. I called the phone company and looked into the bill summary details and it really does look like a mistake so I let him off the hook. Even though he was so pissed at me for being suspicious in the first place. But what does he expect??? He's basically always lied..
 
#6 ·
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I am 25, married one year, in a relationship for 5 years, and knew my husband in high school... So, I don't have much experience.

He completely crossed the line. That was flat out verbal and physical abuse. You know more than us, so you know best. But, if I were you I would be very seriously considering leaving him. It's hard when you're married, but if he doesn't change or gets worse, it's just going to be even harder on you. You'd probably feel even more trapped. You'd be much better off just finding someone more stable, loving, and respectful.

Solely concerning the Porn, I think you confronting him like that may have made him feel he was forced to lie. Perhaps he has a serious problem with porn. Reality just can't live up to the fantasy on the screen and in his head. It doesn't matter how gorgeous a person is, or how great they are at sex. It's his problem, not yours. He should be more mature, and have more realistic expectations.
 
#7 ·
SWEETPOTATO:

Thanks for the reply..

I kind of agree with you on the porn thing. Like I've mentioned, I've never really despised it, I just hate the deceit. I'm not sure if he's addicted though.. It was once almost 2 years ago and then once about 4 months ago so it's pretty spread out and it wasn't anything scary or weird, just your basic stuff, ya know? I think he's ashamed of himself.. I worry that he's so down on himself about even letting the issues fester this big and this long that he's giving up. What I wish he would understand is that in my eyes it is still fixable, he just has to want to and follow through to earn my trust again..
 
#8 ·
I should have mentioned that, too. Deceit is incredibly damaging to a relationship.

That sounds about right. He could be so ashamed of himself, that he is taking it out on you. Either because he doesn't want to face his faults, or to push you away to avoid doing something shameful again. Perhaps??

I'm still with my short-tempered, possibly abusive/ controlling husband, so I'm not one to talk about leaving. It's really hard to leave. I wish my husband would work harder on his anger issues, and seek out counseling. But, at the same time, I put myself in his shoes, and understand how hard it is to swallow your pride and admit to your faults.
 
#9 ·
SweetPotoato:

It takes an incredibly strong person to admit to fault. I truely believe that.. No one person in this world is perfect. We all need to learn to coexist the way we are. It's when being who we are inflicts damage and pain onto the ones we love that it becomes unmanagable. I really hope you and your husband are able to settle all this. I was brought up not believing in divorce. Marriage is meant to be for life and I take that seriously.. Hopefully my husband, as well as yours feels the same way..
 
#11 ·
That's true. I do want to try to make it work, and I'll do whatever I can to help him. But, I think that especially if one's well-being is threatened, then it's got to end. Good luck to you. Hopefully your husband can see how badly he's hurt you, and himself. And maybe he'll get some help.
 
#14 ·
Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean.
Sounds like a spineless loser. My gf knows I like porn and won't give it up, so it's a total non-issue for us. Instead of being up front and standing his ground, your man is trying to weasel his way out.

If he's willing to lie about stupid things like porn, imagine what he would lie about in the future. Will he lie about how much financial trouble you're in? Will he lie about having a retirement fund just so you stop asking? Leave now.
 
#15 ·
He is extremely immature. Instead of talking to you about improving your sex life together, he is choosing to seek out porn (and/or other activities) to gratify himself without even talking to you about the problem. Instead of hashing out the problem when he has been caught lying and being hurtful, he is simply hiding it more and doing it more. He isn't capable of giving you a mature relationship and it looks like you're trying to meet him in the middle, but he only wants what he wants.

The grabbing you and keeping you in a room was not a good idea. Others will disagree, but I do not think of that as abusive. I do think that he felt like he was at risk of losing you and acted in desperation. Unfortunately, he has also shown you that his acts of desperation extend only to preserving what is "his" and at the expense of your comfort, safety, and consent. He could have desperately pleaded with you not to go, instead of grabbing you. He could have desperately offered to give up his porn instead of grabbing you. Instead, he chose to force you to stay there to concede to his point of view. He is not respecting you. He is devaluing you by dismissing your concerns. This is a red flag of controlling behavior.

You guys are very young and you married young, probably out of love and passion. However, if he has problems with your body when you are newlyweds, is unwilling to work out problems to MUTUAL satisfaction, and is neglecting you for the sake of his own gratification, then you have a really big problem. He has a LOT of growing up to do. You don't need to sit around and wait for him because it's likely that you staying will enable his not-growing up because there are no consequences for his actions. You're both changing in different ways and maybe that is not a bad thing.

You may love him, but I urge you to think about this. You are in a relationship in which your needs and wishes are disregarded and neglected, while his are being met. You have expressed a desire for him to make some changes to your relationship, in order to make it mutually satisfying, and not only has he chosen to ignore those pleas from you, he has deliberately acted against your wishes and concealed that behavior. He is untrustworthy. This relationship does not serve your needs and you should leave him. If he changes while you are apart and shows you that something is different, for real, then consider reconciling, but in the meantime, he is showing you that he only cares about himself. I guarantee that this will worsen in the years to come and you will be throwing away valuable years if you stay.

Additionally, his behavior suggests that he is probably cheating on you, either in real life of in a cyber-relationship. A guy who refuses real sex without having some impaired libido to prompt it is getting his kicks elsewhere. Many of us have learned this the hard way. Please listen. Come join the CWI board, to hear what happens when porn and/or cheating ruin marriages...
 
#17 ·
ShawnD:

Thank you for your reply.

All day I just keep looking at him and thinking "why?? what have I done to you to make you lie? What have I done to you to suddenly not 'like' me anymore" It's really driving my crazy at this point. I love him so much, I really do but I just keep thinking "this guy is a superficial ******* who only cares about himself" The craziest part about it all is that for like the first 6-7 months of us being together he really was special...
 
#18 ·
we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness
I excerpted a portion of your last paragraph - a paragraph that was filled with a lot of specualtion for what his problem could be - potential excuses for him. You are racking your brain to figure out what is going on and what his problem could be. You have yet to figure out what his problem is. You have yet to figure out you never will figure out what his problem is. You have yet to figure out it does not at all matter what his problem is.

You have to stop trying to figure him out. Work on figuring yourself out to understanding why you want to remain with him under these circumstances. From him, you have to listen to and believe everything he says and stop cherrypicking the portions you choose to believe and those you refuse to accept. Believe ALL of it. Believe every word.

You are working yourself way too hard to protect your self esteem. Constantly trying to figure out what has happened, what his problem is, and why he has seemingly changed only allows you to avoid accepting the bottom line, which is that he says he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I know it is hurtful, but you must accept that along with all the rest. Think about it: You say nothing about you has changed besides a few pimples. That means what he says now is the way he has felt all along. I think he didn't want to hurt your feelings but has come to the point of accepting he's not happy and doesn't want to live that way anymore. The porn has always made him think there was something so much better out there. Pornography always gives men absurd fantasies (example: Most men would never have dreamed of having multiple sex partners at the same time had the idea not been dropped into their minds by seeing it in porn films. Now it is the fantasy of practically every man LOL) and unrealistic views of the real world and real women.

The line I quoted from you is another part of your denial and refusal to accept what he says to you. You speak for yourself and him by saying "we are the type of people who . . ." but you have no idea what kind of person he is. That's what you keep trying to figure out, isn't it? But it doesn't begin or end there because the truth is you NEVER knew what kind of person he was. You only thought you did. This is another area you choose to cherrypick because he has let you know he has ALWAYS watched pornography since he was a kid, yet you never knew that until he told you. In fact, you never knew he liked pornography at all until the first time you caught him. You never really knew him and only thought you did, so you have to also accept that you can never begin a sentence with "we are the type of people who . . ." because clearly he is not that type of person. He is not who you thought he was.

It appears he reveals his true self more and more. He reveals his true feelings bit by bit, and you have to believe and accept all of it. You accept when he says the porn has nothing to do with you and other things he says, so accept also that he says he doesn't want to be with you. Then, you have to stop this ridiculous sense of devotion because being so determined to stick by him only holds you bound, tied, nailed, and tethered to a person you do not truly know and does not want to be with you.

You stick by a person who is ill or who is having a hard time finding a job or who is having problems with work, friends, or family members. There is no sticking BY a person who says he doesn't want to be with you. That is actually sticking TO him like a fly or mosquito or leach and refusing to let go. You have to let go and leave because if you don't, he will continue to hurt you emotionally and physically and continue to make you miserable and keep you down in that hole. Only you can climb out of that hole. Pull yourself up and break yourself free. No one can do this but you, and you have to do it FOR you.

I know it hurts. I know it is hard. But you have to go. I also know it is extremely difficult to imagine yourself without him. I need you to know there is life after him, and there is love waiting for you, too. You will be happy again and in love again just as soon as you free yourself to find it. You can find a genuine person who knows himself well enough to want you for you. Besides that, leaving will give your husband the opportunity to breathe and think about what he has lost. He just might come to his senses, and you have to give him space for that to happen although you shouldn't leave with the hope that it will happen.
 
#20 ·
River1977/Moxy:

Thank you for your feedback and insight. I agree and understand what you both have said. Here's the thing..

Now he's saying that he knows he loves me, always have and wants to spend his life with me. Wants this marriage to work and wants (needs) me to trust him again..

BUT.. his actions have stayed the SAME! and anytime I say to him "but your actions aren't following what you're telling me, how can you expect me to stay based on only words?" and he says that I'm not holding up my part. that it takes two and that I have to trust him and have faith. YET I feel that he has to earn my trust. That I can't just say "ok then, I turst and believe all of your words meanwhile you've lied your butt off to me in the past and your actions haven't changed" all just given without him earning it.. ????

Unhappy2011:

You need to read my entire post to realize I'm not insecure about the porn (I happen to enjoy it myself and we have shared it together at one point) that it's the lying and deciet that are bothering me. Read the full story before you judge please.
 
#22 ·
Unhappy2011:

You need to read my entire post to realize I'm not insecure about the porn (I happen to enjoy it myself and we have shared it together at one point) that it's the lying and deciet that are bothering me. Read the full story before you judge please.

Hmm....well that's funny because I did read your entire OP and you clearly said this:

So me being accepting of the male being took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again.

My point was not to "judge" you as insecure but to help you to realize the reason he is not openly disclosing his porn use, what you call lying and deceit.

I would speculate the reason, because A) he knows you get upset by it. And B) like most people who were raised with unhealthy amounts of shame about porn and masturbation, he is probably not exactly proud that you busted him whacking off to porn.
 
#21 · (Edited)
First. I am sorry to hear of your situation.

I had a similar experience with an ex-fiance. I would like to tell you my story but to be sure it applies...please answer me a few questions?

What is his relationship with his mother? you mentioned ZERO family how did his relationship with his family end?
Are either of his parents cheaters? are they still married?

Based on this info, if your answers are like I think, I will tell you my story in hopes it will help you "see" the problem in a different light.
 
#24 ·
RESETBUTTON:

He has NO contact with his family at all. They took money from him, used and abused him. His parents are VERY unhappily married but no cheating as far as I know. His father is where all this porn originally came from though..
My ex-fiance was a product of an affair his mother had with another married man when his step-dad was overseas in military. She was a wh*** and cheated alot. His stepfather drank and made his little brother (who was as big as him) physically fight him often, the stepfather alway hated him. There was alot of neglect from mom and abuse from stepdad, verbal and mental abuse. He bore the brunt of his step fathers hatred for his mother, she eventauilly left him for another man.

Therefore, at 17 his step father kicked him out and his mother didn't want him at new mans house so he had to take care of himself. He decided then and there he was going to be in control from now on and he couldn't trust anyone, nor would he depend on anyone. This was his idea of being strong so tehse things would never happen to him again.

He NEVER knew how a real relationship was supposed to be, and disconnected himself from everyone in his family (for most part, he had a superficial friendship with one brother).

Now I am not making excuses for abuse. It is NEVER OK.

But, as anyone that lived an abused life it is a cycle and the only way to break it is for your husband to ask for professional help. He has to want it , not you !

Problem is he won't because he thinks it makes him "weak" or "not a real man" or just takes him "out of control" of his situation.

Everything he is doing is to control you. Verbal abuse is to make you feel you can't do any better than him, physical to intimidate you from going against his wishes etc... therfore keeping you there. It doesn't matter how many times you tell him you won't leave, he will not believe you. Been there.

What is really happening is that you and your family is all he has and the only ones that love him and his is "SCARED TO DEATH" that you might change your mind and leave him (taking his new "family" with you), that is why he pushed marriage so fast. Now, he knows you are unhappy, but doesn't know how to fix it and the stress is making him "blow up". He has never had a role model to teach him about a good relationship, or how to respect in order to get respect. The only thing he learned was dad liked porn.

He views you as "hurt" just waiting to happen.


He would say things like "I don't deserve you" or " you will get sick of me and leave too" He truly had no self esteem and truly thought these things.

I can honestly say things were great between us until he fell in love with me. Guys like this hate caring for women as they only view it as the opportunity for you to hurt him, and a weakness. Every time he makes love to you he gets more attached to you and that actually makes him angry with you. He views this as you having too much power over him. to him you are just "hurt waiting to happen". So he tries to keep pushing you away, because he could never admit to you that he is scared of the marriage failing and loosing you. He has NO IDEA how to deal with his feelings.

He looks at porn to get physical release without an attachment.

My ex-fiance didn't have access to porn (pre-internet days) so he just resorted to one night stands and such. eventually (2.5 years of living together) he started to realize how much I actually did love him and couldn't handle the guilt and left. He told me to my face that he couldn't be the man I needed him to be, adn was strong enough to leave. Thank God. Of course that didn't stop him from coming back again and again to check in with me to see if I would forgive him. I didn't (But, I am now married to the love of my life for amost 16 years)

So in conclusion, he needs professinal help, and he has to want it, you cannot want it for him. You will think "I will just keep showing him how much I love him and it will get better". NO IT WON'T. He needs to heal himself before he can be in this relationship, and love you the way it is supposed to be.

Best wishes.

Yell if you have any questions
 
#27 ·
reset button:

Still here, all is safe at the home front. You are so right in the things you wrote. He has actually told me "he doesnt deserve me, i can do better, he cant be who i need" but the truth is that he once was! ughhh anyway, as it is now. he's come around. things are settling down and he's starting to show love and want for this marriage. My issue is now affection.. Sorry to sound like a dog but I'm soooo sexually frustrated! I just wanna make love to him but he is just NOT having it..

that girl:

I agree somewhat. my interpretation of this all now is that he's a guy in his early 20's so his mentality hasnt fully developed and the reality of the life he chose may be crashing down on him..

who knows......
 
#28 ·
UPDATE:

Our upstairs neighbors are sexual deviants and their bed must be RIGHT ON a pipe or something because we can hear practically everything. Well, the other night they were really going at it for a while. Needless to say, husband and I haven't had sex in going on 3 weeks (keep in mind I'm only 24 and we used to do it like 4 times a week haha) Anyway, I'm laying there SO hot and bothered (and now jealous) Out of desperation, I wake my husband and beg him to make love to me. He pushes me off and says "no, i don't want sex with you" Now hurt and frustrated I ask what any woman would ask "do you want it with anyone else??" he replies "no, i don't even want it with myself" ?????? I go "aren't you horny?? Take emotions out of the equation and just think carnal lust. Don't you have the urge to get off?" To which he replies "Sure I'm horny, but I don't want to get off" whattttt?? Anyway, I went in the other room and "handled my business" which upset him because he doesn't think there should be masturbation in marriage (that's what we have each other for) so I tell him "throughout all this all i've ever been caring about is YOUR needs and wants. You haven't considered me in any way so now I'm considering me" He says "thats air" huffs and goes to sleep...??

I wonder if he's lying and if he's just "taking care of himself" whenever I'm not home (there goes the porn thing again) but I haven't found anything on the computer) but he could just be deleting again. Ehh, honestly I don't even think I care about that crap anymore.. I just want my husband back..

Yesterday I spent the whole day out with friends (came home around 9pm) and he was sitting on the couch still in his pjs and seemed in a very happy mood. I asked him what he did all day (said he just played video games and watched movies) I asked him if he missed me (he said a little and smiled)

Maybe I need to just leave him alone and do my own thing so he'll miss me?? Seems he may feel like he lost himself in me and wants to reconnect with his identity??

Oh how I'd LOVE for that to be the answer!
 
#29 ·
Jessie....please suggest to him when he is in a good mood that you are worried that some of the problems you are having now are rooted in the fact that he has alot of emotional baggage from his family. Try not to make it sound like it is his fault (its not, but subconciously he thinks it is), try to stress that it was beyond his control, but that you love him and you want him to be happy in all aspects of his life. Individual counselign will give him the chance to get it all off his chest and start to heal, and lift the stress a bit.

He has anger towards his family still that is affecting his self image/self esteem. I think if you work on that it would be a big step in helping the two of you to communicate and move forward with you marriage.

The trick is to kinda make it seem like it is his idea and he is doing it because he wants to not because you are telling him too. Make sure you stress you are suggesting it because you want him to be happy.

Good Luck
 
#30 ·
I've tried every possible angle on this.. he REFUSES and says if i push it then its over.. I've given up mentioning doctors or counseling. He says this has nothing to do with his family or anything and he isn't gay.. just "things are different now" what I can't wrap my head around is why do I have to just roll with HIS waves?? What about me?? Do I even exist here anymore?? He says I do, that he loves me and then tells me that I'm the one not letting us move forward, that I don't want to put forth the effort to make this work..GRRRRRR. At this point I feel like the best thing would be for me to do ME and just let him be and wait until (if) he decides to reach for me.. I guess.. idk.. I'm an INCREDIBLY affectonate woman and when I tell you that we haven't so much as sat on the same couch let alone even just hold hands in the past almost 3 weeks I'm not kidding. it's KILLNG me.. I neeeeed touch.. neeeed love, affection. I've never felt so alone and rejected in my life.. I tell him this and he says "i'm not comfortable with that and that isn't the way it is. it's just different now" I feel like.. "ok, so because YOU SAY SO, I just just be like sure ok, you got it.." !!
 
#32 ·
I've tried every possible angle on this.. he REFUSES and says if i push it then its over.. I've given up mentioning doctors or counseling. He says this has nothing to do with his family or anything and he isn't gay.. just "things are different now" what I can't wrap my head around is why do I have to just roll with HIS waves?? What about me?? Do I even exist here anymore?? He says I do, that he loves me and then tells me that I'm the one not letting us move forward, that I don't want to put forth the effort to make this work..GRRRRRR. At this point I feel like the best thing would be for me to do ME and just let him be and wait until (if) he decides to reach for me.. I guess.. idk.. I'm an INCREDIBLY affectonate woman and when I tell you that we haven't so much as sat on the same couch let alone even just hold hands in the past almost 3 weeks I'm not kidding. it's KILLNG me.. I neeeeed touch.. neeeed love, affection. I've never felt so alone and rejected in my life.. I tell him this and he says "i'm not comfortable with that and that isn't the way it is. it's just different now" I feel like.. "ok, so because YOU SAY SO, I just just be like sure ok, you got it.." !!
If he keeps telling you "Things are differnet now" I think you have to at least consider he has done something that he feels is or has damaged your marriage, and he is unsure how to handle it. Are you VERY sure he has not developed feelings for someone else or had a ONS or something. Is he possibly having trouble at work where he feels he may loose his job etc.. Does he owe anybody money that he can't pay back etc.. IMO you really need to read between the lines to see why "things are different now"
 
#31 ·
I'm still unclear on why you are allowing this ... man ... to commit crimes against you... reprehensible crimes at that.

He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that.

I get the crying part. What I don't get is why you didn't contact the police immediately afterwards. How much must he hurt you or some other woman before you'd be willing to stop him? Are you planning on having children with this man? I surely hope not.

By the way, I totally understand being horny and not wanting to "get off". I'm horny right at this instant but just "getting off" would not be what I want. For me, at least, there's so much more than the simple physical release part.
 
#33 ·
JEFF:

I didn't contact the police because this is my husband and I want to protect him (I know, dumb lady right) If I were to let everything out in the open he'd get his butt beat for sure.. I love this man and am willing to do anything for him. I feel like maybe I've been TOO good to him all along and now he only wants more and more and wants to have control. In a marriage it shouldn't be about power or control at all, ever. it should be 50/50 whenever it comes to that. No, I don't plan to have kids with him, or with anyone. I'm not interested in being a mother at all, which we discussed before there was ever even a ring on my finger (lay all the cards out on the table, remember) He doesn't want children either. I actually had an IUD implanted to be proactive on this subject under the agreement that after the 5 years of the IUD we'd reconsider children and if still "no" then vasectomy time (his idea) Either way, I feel I've done SO much, sacrificed SO much for him and yet he has the NERVE to tell me that I'm not trying. I just keep going back to the "mirror" theory. He's tossing insults and abuse my way that he actually feels about himself but doesn't want to admit it. I get that, been there. But bottom line is, can't help someone who is hurting you and unwilling to help themselves. Could you explain the "getting off" thing to me from a man's point of view? I mean, from a woman's point of view, if there's drama, pain, struggle in my life I usually don't want it either.. ??

RESET BUTTON:

What is "ONS" and "IMO"?

He is definitely not cheating on me. It's embarrassing to admit but after all this, I did look into his phone records (bill is in my name) and scoped out the computer and NOTHING. I've even spoken openly to him about it. It's crossed my mind that he may be gay too.. Spoke to him about all that. No no no no.. ok, then what? "it's just different. our relationship has changed" Idk.. I think the best thing (for my sanity right now) is to just BE. Do my thing, let him do his and hope that we come together again.. All I know is I am DONE throwing myself at him, catering to him and showering him with love and affection...
 
#34 ·
He tells me to just "do it myself" but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that just isn't the same as the caress of another.. Just feels so unreal so someone of my age to be in a sexless marriage. We've got it made! No kids, no pets, nothing holding us down or away from each other! (except him now..) Could it possibly REALLY be that all this time he's had no.. "release"?? Sorry, but I just don't buy that.. That's another thing.. he says I have to start trusting him and if I don't how can this work? Are you kidding me?? After all you've done I have to trust YOU?! You've gotta earn that buddy! All he says is "I am"..

we used to shower together every night.. now he keeps the doors all shut, won't even get changed in the same room as me.. I have to practically beg for a hug.. I can't live like this.. I'm dying for affection..
 
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