General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I'm 24 years old, been with my husband for a little over 2 years, married 1. (went to high school together, so I know you're thinking we married too young/soon) He'll be 24 in a few months, so we're the same age. We have no kids, no do we want any. That's never been an issue.
To set the premise for you: From day one weve had nothing but similar interestes, hobbies, wants, needs, outlooks and goals. Like any normal, human couple, we've had our minor disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary..We were perfect for each other. Had sex regularly, I won't be graphic, but put it to you this way; he was never left wanting for anything in any way AT ALL.
Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean. Once I PULLED the truth out of him, told him that no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie, he told me it was because I was boring him in bed, that I just wasn't enough basically. After long talks and whatnot, he said he was just bored in general (at that moment in time) it had really nothing to do with me. So me being accepting of the male being took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again. That if that was something he was interested in then I would happily participate, just be open and honest. We moved on. Then about 8 months into our married life, he did it again but tried to hide it and lied again. Once I got him to finally admit the truth to me again, he said he was just bored and looking for stimulation at that moment. Mind you, I was in the bed in the other room ready, willing and able for whatever he needed.. We talked it out, he opened up to me by telling me how porn has just always been a part of his life from a young age and he mostly just watches it for entertainment and sexual ideas to play out with me. I accepted that answer and just repeated to him how it made me feel, that I wanted to be included and that still, no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie. I asked him to please never lie or hide anything from me again. He swore on our marriage..
Over the past month or two he's been completely silent with me. Totally shut me out. I've been basically pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me about his thoughts, his feelings, anything at all. After a few weeks of me begging for communication (something that was one of our biggest strong points) I finally became nasty. No longer patient, just wanting answers so I would yell and fight with him. After about one week of that, in the middle of a fight I needed to step out, take a breather and he wouldn't let me leave. he blocked the doors, stood "guard" and screamed in my face that if I even stepped foot outside, I wasn't welcome back in. This irrational threat made me more furious. So you won't talk to me but I can't step outside for a breather?? No sense.. He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that. I came home about 4 hours later to a silent home. He was angry at me for leaving, but what was I to do?? I told him his behavior was unacceptable and I needed answers. Took 2 more days but he finally says that he's changed. He agrees that what he has done (silence and rage) is abusive and he feels it can't be fixed. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants, who he wants (no, there's nobody else). He says he's no longer attracted to me. I told him I felt it was because of all the fighting but he says no, he thinks I'm fat and ugly. I must say that as a realist I would accept this if I had changed at all during our relationship but I truely have not. I haven't gained a single pound, I still look, act and dress the exact SAME. The only difference is that I've recently had a few minor breakouts on my face because of the hormonal change from having an IUD inserted. I swear to you, that's IT.
I really don't know where to go from here.. I'm so young yet I feel ancient. I feel used and empty, I feel alone and insecure. I've always been confident and openminded to everything and everyone but this is a pill I just can't swallow. Could this just be a phase he's going through? I know it sounds corny, but we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness, if you know what I mean. We always kind of wrote our own ticket. To see this sudden change in the one person I've ever felt comfortable with, trusted, vowed to grow old with.. It's killing me. I haven't slept, haven't eaten. I've been "not-sleeping" on the couch and he says he doesn't even miss me. On top of it all, last week our car was totaled in an accident in which I was driving. He seems to be completely unphased by even this.. Like it really doesn't matter. All I hear from him is confusion, anger, disgust even resentment.
Please, please, someone help me get out of this hole...
He should NEVER have grabbed you and thrown you into the couch. He should not have yelled in your face. He should not be threatening you. He should not have lied about porn. He should NEVER have said such hurtful things (you're boring, you're ugly, you're gross). Porn should never be more interesting than real sex with his real wife.
He has a serious porn addiction, he is emotionally abusive, and he is becoming physically abusive. Get the hell out now, no more chances.
It isn't you. You could be perfect and he would still be sick. He would still find you boring and ugly compared to fantasies and airbrushed bodies. This is his issue and he needs help- but you don't have to be there while he gets it.
Get out before he makes you feel worse about yourself or before he physically hurts you.
Sorry to hear you are going through this. It's not a good situation at all.
There is a very good chance that your husband is cheating. His behavior is very much in line with the cheater's script. His saying that he is no longer attracted to you, the distance, even the sudden turn to violence.
How is he with his cell phone? Does is keep it password protected? Does he guard it? How about his computer? Does he have everything password protected so that you have no access to this accounts? Does he spend much time on the computer?
How much time does he spend away from home? Perhaps you need to do more investigation on what he's been up to.
If he's not cheating, then the porn could be the issue. Perhaps he's more attached to the use of porn then he has admitted to you.
First I want to thank you for your reply.. Feels good to know I'm not sitting up all night completely alone..
Whenever I've spoken to my husband about the porn in the past he's told me it has nothing to do with me and I really do accept that.. and I've moved on from that. Kinda just wanted a back story for readers to get a feel for the whole scenario, ya know? But the trust isn't there.. he's so wishy washy on it all and it's just driving my crazy. My self image is being destroyed.. I mean, I'm not perfect but I'm definitely not gross. I'm 5'1, 150pounds, huge boobs, very shapely, long red hair, green eyes.. I make sure I ALWAYS keep myself "up" ya know? Makeup always done, clothes always perfect, I love to serve my man. I work parttime, cook, clean, do all the laundry, organize the bills. I all but wipe his butt for him. I'm afraid I may have put him up on a throne in the beginning and it's gone to his head. Then again, I don't think he's just playing head games with me. I do believe his confusion. I've suggested conseling, doctors, testing. Maybe he has an imbalance, maybe he needs meds.. Whatever it is, from day one I've always made it clear to him that I am here or him, I support him and will stick by him through anything he 's going through, but at this point I feel he's selfish. That he isn't mature enough, that he hasn't grown enough to even be able to love someone fully.. When I say this to him he just says "i dunno, I'm confused"...
I've never been a "snooper" but since the first caught lie I have been super observant about everything.
I don't believe he's cheating at all.. he has ZERO friends, ZERO family. My family and I are all that he has. Literally. We share a computer but he knows I check the history so I doubt he'd be dumb enough not to be deleting anything. Besides that, he's almost never on the computer. He's always either at work, or at home with me. That's it.
As for his phone, on our most recent phone bill there were a few megabyte charges or something (I'm not technically hip haha, I use my phone for calls and texts, that's it) He doesn't use his phone for internet so I questioned it. He said having it in his pocket at work may have hit a few buttons. It happens I guess. I was still suspicious. I called the phone company and looked into the bill summary details and it really does look like a mistake so I let him off the hook. Even though he was so pissed at me for being suspicious in the first place. But what does he expect??? He's basically always lied..
I'm so sorry you are in this situation. I am 25, married one year, in a relationship for 5 years, and knew my husband in high school... So, I don't have much experience.
He completely crossed the line. That was flat out verbal and physical abuse. You know more than us, so you know best. But, if I were you I would be very seriously considering leaving him. It's hard when you're married, but if he doesn't change or gets worse, it's just going to be even harder on you. You'd probably feel even more trapped. You'd be much better off just finding someone more stable, loving, and respectful.
Solely concerning the Porn, I think you confronting him like that may have made him feel he was forced to lie. Perhaps he has a serious problem with porn. Reality just can't live up to the fantasy on the screen and in his head. It doesn't matter how gorgeous a person is, or how great they are at sex. It's his problem, not yours. He should be more mature, and have more realistic expectations.
I kind of agree with you on the porn thing. Like I've mentioned, I've never really despised it, I just hate the deceit. I'm not sure if he's addicted though.. It was once almost 2 years ago and then once about 4 months ago so it's pretty spread out and it wasn't anything scary or weird, just your basic stuff, ya know? I think he's ashamed of himself.. I worry that he's so down on himself about even letting the issues fester this big and this long that he's giving up. What I wish he would understand is that in my eyes it is still fixable, he just has to want to and follow through to earn my trust again..
I kind of agree with you on the porn thing. Like I've mentioned, I've never really despised it, I just hate the deceit. I'm not sure if he's addicted though.. It was once almost 2 years ago and then once about 4 months ago so it's pretty spread out and it wasn't anything scary or weird, just your basic stuff, ya know? I think he's ashamed of himself.. I worry that he's so down on himself about even letting the issues fester this big and this long that he's giving up. What I wish he would understand is that in my eyes it is still fixable, he just has to want to and follow through to earn my trust again..
I should have mentioned that, too. Deceit is incredibly damaging to a relationship.
That sounds about right. He could be so ashamed of himself, that he is taking it out on you. Either because he doesn't want to face his faults, or to push you away to avoid doing something shameful again. Perhaps??
I'm still with my short-tempered, possibly abusive/ controlling husband, so I'm not one to talk about leaving. It's really hard to leave. I wish my husband would work harder on his anger issues, and seek out counseling. But, at the same time, I put myself in his shoes, and understand how hard it is to swallow your pride and admit to your faults.
It takes an incredibly strong person to admit to fault. I truely believe that.. No one person in this world is perfect. We all need to learn to coexist the way we are. It's when being who we are inflicts damage and pain onto the ones we love that it becomes unmanagable. I really hope you and your husband are able to settle all this. I was brought up not believing in divorce. Marriage is meant to be for life and I take that seriously.. Hopefully my husband, as well as yours feels the same way..
It takes an incredibly strong person to admit to fault. I truely believe that.. No one person in this world is perfect. We all need to learn to coexist the way we are. It's when being who we are inflicts damage and pain onto the ones we love that it becomes unmanagable. I really hope you and your husband are able to settle all this. I was brought up not believing in divorce. Marriage is meant to be for life and I take that seriously.. Hopefully my husband, as well as yours feels the same way..
That's true. I do want to try to make it work, and I'll do whatever I can to help him. But, I think that especially if one's well-being is threatened, then it's got to end. Good luck to you. Hopefully your husband can see how badly he's hurt you, and himself. And maybe he'll get some help.
He should NEVER have grabbed you and thrown you into the couch. He should not have yelled in your face. He should not be threatening you. He should not have lied about porn. He should NEVER have said such hurtful things (you're boring, you're ugly, you're gross). Porn should never be more interesting than real sex with his real wife.
He has a serious porn addiction, he is emotionally abusive, and he is becoming physically abusive. Get the hell out now, no more chances.
It isn't you. You could be perfect and he would still be sick. He would still find you boring and ugly compared to fantasies and airbrushed bodies. This is his issue and he needs help- but you don't have to be there while he gets it.
Get out before he makes you feel worse about yourself or before he physically hurts you.
I agree with this statement exactly. Get the hell our of there before you turn into a sad emotionally and possibly physically destroyed version of what you once were. You can do better!
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You were asking him to give you answers to which he did not know. Many men just have no idea why they watch porn. if you try to get n answer out of them, because you think that they are hidding something, then you he will search for something to say, and he willsay something to you that resembles truth, but it is either a lie or it is the thing that comes to him to be able to answer you. If he were to answer "I don't know" would you be satisfied wit that? did he say that to you. Anyhow you screming at hi is not good. you pulling truth from him is not good. I understand that you tried, but in eithercase you are dealing with a human being and from begining till end of your interaction it is good to be respectful. When problems arise in marriage show repsect. it ios esy to show respect when everything is great. when things go sour in nyway, and when there is tremendous turmoil, that is when your showing of respect really counts. Now, I understand that you were ging out of your mind, because you were not getting answers. but every time CONFRONTED him as manyladies I hear like to use the word, you are putting yourself AGAINST him. meaning you wer decalring that you are oposite to him. anyhow , it seem sthat through your method of inquiry you pushed hui away. I don't know , I might be wrong. I was not there to see how you approached him in your inquiry. anyhow. from the very begining when you said "don't let it happen again" that kind of attitude is just not realistic, and comes from not really understanding the natre of the problem. when you sadi that, it made you look like a person who is unrealistic, lives in a dream world, and a person who is bossy. Bossy instead of aproaching the problem from an understanding the nature of the problem perspective. through you r screaming, you made yourself appear again irational, and totally out of control. thus he will say something to you that makes sense in some way but it might not the absolute truth. your out of control, what do you want him to do or say? so , any way, i hope you use the information to infom him, to inform yourself, and to have him apply the solution.
Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean.
Sounds like a spineless loser. My gf knows I like porn and won't give it up, so it's a total non-issue for us. Instead of being up front and standing his ground, your man is trying to weasel his way out.
If he's willing to lie about stupid things like porn, imagine what he would lie about in the future. Will he lie about how much financial trouble you're in? Will he lie about having a retirement fund just so you stop asking? Leave now.
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newlywed doomed for divorce..? 
Re: newlywed doomed for divorce..? 
