General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I think me & my husband are just plain WEIRD... I kid you not, I read these responses on here ...and honestly... neither one of us even cares to have any privacy....even the bathroom - there have been occasions when he comes home, I will follow him up there and we'll talk while he is on the pot. (if something really exciting happened & I just can't wait !)...he just smiles
We even take a bath together near every night & talk some more -- alot of TAM discussions is in the bath tub, bubbling each other up !
I would imagine most of you think I would be a pain up the living a**. But he doesn't ! There was a time I half ignored him & was too into our kids, he so welcomes this change.
I will have to have him reply to this thread.
Never, never never in our marraige has one of us cringed, gave a look of mild disgust for coming near, or even hinting that a "privacy" is being invaded. I have never felt that. Accually we have discussed it -- his answer... Wiping his butt . ha ha
If he is on the computer, yeah, even looking up his Playboy bunnies (he saves them on a hard drive)... I know you woman are thinking I am crazy, that is OK...he is happy for me to come up behind him , wrap my arms around him, saying "what you doing honey?"...that I show interest in what he is doing -he loves that... and I feel the same.
I have never had a phone conversation where I felt I needed to "have privacy" away from my husband... or he from me... we have walked away to a quieter room, or outside...but this had nothing to do with privacy... more to do with "I can't hear- too much noise in this house- shut those kids up!" type thing.
Again .... I think we are just plain WEIRD... He is surely the perfect man for me!
One might think we are ball & chained .....but we're not.... we just enjoy being "that close".
Whether a couple spend every waking moment together, or give each other their space and privacy, both can be great marriages because that is what makes them happy.
Finding that compatibility is the key. Like most things here on TAM, not every couple follow the same rule. Not every couple think the same. Whatever works for both of you, is what works. No right or wrong. It's when each have a different take on an issue that problems start to surface. That's where compromise and communication come in.
I think that privacy is really important in helping to maintain individuality. For instance, I want my privacy if I am in the restroom or writing in a journal. However, most of my life is open to my h. He has my passwords on everything (or did, anyway), and could read my emails anytime or listen in on phone calls anytime. Any interactions with other people were witness-able by him. He made it seem like it was the same on his side, but just kept secret accounts that I didn't know about to hide the stuff that he knew I wouldn't be okay with. That's where I think the distinction comes into play.
Privacy is a need for solitude and connection with the self. It's a way in which a person can retain full control of one's actions and ideas without responding to feedback from someone else. Giving a person space is important. The degree to which people need solitude and privacy varies.
Secrecy is an act of hiding things that one doesn't want to be seen. Often, this isn't innocent at all and the reason for secrecy is to prevent disapproval or conflict. One hides something in order to keep it going, even when one knows that there will be a problem if it is done openly. There can be innocent things done secretly (planning surprise parties, self-improvement projects, gift-shopping, or even working out one's issues), however, any time that secrecy involves making another person an ally instead of your spouse, any time that secrecy involves interacting with someone else in a way that would hurt your spouse, and any time that secrecy is done for the sake of concealing dishonesty, there is a problem.
Privacy is a way of connecting to the self. Secrecy is a way of avoiding censure. Privacy is usually innocent. Secrecy is usually insidious. Privacy helps keep a person individual, mysterious, and interesting. Secrecy tends to destroy intimate relationships.
Unfortunately, wayward and dishonest spouses will often use secrecy to guard their personal gratification, especially when it is at the expense of the honest spouse. And, often, these people will claim that their "privacy" has been invaded, and huff and puff about the act of un-concealment to throw off the judgment about the act that was being concealed.
Neither privacy nor secrecy are inherently "bad" or destructive, but if the person who is exploiting those culturally-sacred states of being is dishonest, then there's no way they can't be.
I never ask if it's ok to buy something....I just do it.
Bad habit but I have learned that it's better to do this then ask if it's ok, she says no and I buy it anyway. I'm talking about my toys. Could be tools, golf clubs or my Harley which she doesn't approve of.
While I might call this slightly inconsiderate of her wishes, I wouldn't call it secretive. You have the right to behave in an independent manner and sometimes, that means you will disagree with her about whether or not something is a reasonable purchase. Instead of "hiding" the purchase to avoid conflict, it would be better just to say, "I bought this thing and I know you're going to be angry about it, but this is one of those times when we can agree to disagree about whether or not it is a good choice. You don't have to concede to every one of her wishes, just take her wishes into account and let her know why you disagree. Sometimes, just the act of explaining to someone that you have taken their wishes into account goes a long way toward making that person feel better about the disagreement.
This isn't secrecy, though. Unless you guys have an explicit agreement about not buying something and then you go and buy it anyway and keep it a secret. But, in that case, I am guessing you may have agreed to something you didn't actually want to go through with just to avoid conflict. In that instance, it is usually better just to say "I don't agree that I should NOT buy that thing. I know you're going to be upset, but I'd rather be honest than passive aggressive so that you know you can trust me, even when we don't agree on things."
Of course, what happens in theory and in practice is not always the same.
Your purchases aren't disrespecting or devaluing your spouse and they aren't de-stabilizing your relationship, so...secret or private or not, they aren't dangerous. I think that is the big question when dealing with secrets -- who is being served by this secret? Is one person's interest being served at the expense of the relationship or just at the expense of disapproval? Shucking one's disapproval, no biggie; shucking one's vows....biggie.
I see the analogy passed around with regards to privacy vs secrecy and "the bathroom." I just don't think that's a good analogy.
My wife can take a crap in peace if she wants, she gives me the same courtesy.
But give me an instance of an email or phone call or discussion one partner could have with someone else that would require "privacy" but not secrecy? I can't think of anything my wife would tell a friend or coworker that should matter if I hear.
If it's a personal secret (like someone is pregnant and doesn't want anyone else to know, including me), then my wife should come to me and say, "I'm having a private conversation with so and so about something that she doesn't want you to know about. Please respect her wishes and do not open the e-mail or listen to our phone conversation. Thank you sweety for understanding!"
Any other conversation should not require "privacy". If she's mad at me and talking honestly about her feelings in an email or phone call or text, it should be something that she has told me first and should not be a surprise or change of course from what I already know.
To me privacy is code for "I don't want you to hear this" which is basically the seed of secrecy.
I am not advocating that all conversations should be done together. Giving someone space to have a private conversation is a courtesy, it should not be a right of either spouse.
After being at work 8 hours, I look forward to being with my wife and kids. I have never needed privacy, our house can be loud & active. I would have to leave if I cared about privacy. It has never bothered me. But I don't like to be around other people very much, just my family. I am rarely alone between her and the kids, it is just my life. But I love my life.
I agree the most with CandieGirl. Privacy is the act of you allowing your partner the right to erect some boundaries in your marriage. Secrecy is when your spouse wants boundaries and you want them torn down. The more you respect your partner's privacy (and vice versa), the less secrecy you actually need. On the other hand, the more secrecy you have in your marriage, the more your spouse is going to want to peek behind the curtain.
Or, like a mentor of mine said a couple decades back: "If you're doing something you wouldn't want your mother to find out about, you probably shouldn't be doing it."
its always loud a our house...i can get privacy of i go into my closet...but the kids will just find me anyways...
between my husband and i, there just cant be "secrecy" or "privacy". once you start leaving out one thing, it will snowball into 2-3-5-10..
where is the line drawn?? what is the cut off for keeping things to yourself...?? i suppose bathroom-ing is fine to keep quiet about, but who you talk to, or facebook with, or e-mail, or maybe even talk to on the phone to..??
secrets destroy faith. if you want privacy..stay single. i didnt have kids, and get married to be alone, i have nothing to hide from my husband..and i couldnt keep my big motor mouth shut to save the world.
we share everything..secrets that we think the other one dosent know, secrets we over hear on the bus, or from co-workers..those are the best.
i will say SOME are not all bad..his good friend has confided in me a secret..usually i will tell..but i was sworn to keep it under raps...and i cant tell here, because my husband also reads, and posts..
but its absolutley nothing harmful, or bad...nothing sexual. its not really a secret, because he will know one day..but since im a blabber mouth...i have been told to keep it zipped.
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Re: Privacy vs Secrecy 
