General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
My husband is really starting to worry me, and refuses to go to counseling. He lost his mom a little over a month ago, and he was VERY colse w her. He grew up in fear of his father, and mom was a passive doormat. Anyway, he breaks every couple days and cries how much he misses mom. Yesterday, he said "she left me", and I told him she loved him very much and still does, and he said "no she doesnt" --I think he thinks hes letting her down cuz of his current behavior, and also struggling w the fact that he was disrespectful to her all his life(cuz dad was, too). A family history of abusing her, and then he was mentally abusive to me for most of our marriage of 13 yrs. Hes now having an EA(for those who havent read my 1st post), and has been since jan. 14, right b4 his mom died. I now think hes using this person to feel accepted, the way mom accepted him unconditionally. I think this girl sees the ficticious side of him, happy, flirtatious, giving, a good listener to her bullcrap problems, blah..blah.blah..not the REAL him, controlling, self-centered, the list goes on for miles(and yet i still love him, go figure).So hes looking for acceptance like mom gave him, cuz he knows i hold him accountable for his actions, and in the last yr. of our marriage, (after bein cotrolled for all those yrs)i have become so strong that i no longer take his bull.
Dont get me wrong..he still has a bit of control over me, and i dont know how to break free of that. I have been so stupid..he still comes over to our home and weve been intimate, AGAIN. i think hes trying to feel needed, and just needs to let go and get lost in the moment. Then when its over, he says he feels so bad for doing that to me. I know i need help to set boundaries, but i still love him. like i said, i asked him to go to marriage counseling yesterday and he said no. Wont do it cuz he says all they do is "pick apart your brain"..hes never wrong in his eyes. He says in one breath he wants out, then by the time he leaves, he says he doesnt know what he wants. Yesterday, he gave me some of our tax return money, and threw it on the floor. He has cut me off his bank acct.,and i dont have a job right now, so i depend on him for everything. I'm fighting an uphill battle and I'm tired. I love him so much, and I feel sorry for him, but I know this cannot continue w everyone living in suspension..affecting the kids, too. I feel lost today...how can I tell him I cant go on like this, its not healthy for anyone. Its been 14 days since he left...
your husband definitely needs some counceling. i wish i had some advice on how to help him. my husband lost his mother the day after this past thanksgiving. he has major abandonment issues w/ her coz she dumped him on his father's doorstep when he was llittle and didn't show up again for 9 years. he doesn't know what to feel or how to deal w/ it and it's messed him up a little. i hope you're looking into getting a job, even if it's work from home. my work's been helping me deal w/ things. i wish you all the best coz i know how you feel, being in a similar situation.
Like I said, he wont go to counseling. Yesterday he really freaked me out--since hes staying at his dads, he says he lays in bed and hears his mom talking to him!!! OMG, I was blown away. I gently said what are you hearing, what is she saying to you? He said I dont know, I cant make it out, just her voice in my head. The really freaky part is I prayed for his mom to reach him, I was so desperate, praying to God to help him come home.
I am so worried about him, he has always been so strong..this has really broken him. He cannot be reached, no matter how hard I try. I know he needs a professional, not me. Any advice, anyone? Really at a loss here...hes starting to scare me.
despite the other issues you have.
i can only say when my H lost his father 7 yrs ago. they were very close. i just let my H do what he wanted. i can honestly say we were disconnected for a short while. sex stopped and communication and all for obvious reason of grief.
not everyone who has issues needs counselling.
i think time and when your around him, dont keep on with hassling.
the E/A he is having is also playing a huge role in his feelings of his grief.
my only advice , but thats because i have been there. keep doing what your doing as best you can. but his grief is very early days and ppl have different coping mechanisms and give him space and hopefully time wil settle him down.
When my father passed, it took me almost a year to feel somewhat back to normal. In the first few months of his passing, I couldn't eat or sleep. Without good nutrition and sleep, people's minds are not where they should be.
If you think he's not sleeping well, give him a sleeping pill before bed. Even if he's not hungry (trust me, he thinks food tastes like dirt), make sure he eats a well balanced meal atleast once a day. Let him cry on your shoulder.
Its been 6 years since my dad has passed, and I still break down from time to time.
He is going through pain and grief, and only time will help him get through it.
The first year of a loss is the hardest- getting through the Holidays, Anniversaries, Birthdays etc. will be extremely tough.
Hang in there. It's way to early to expect him to be over it.
Thanks for your insight, cantstopwanting. I try to be as understanding as possible, as thats my nature. He says he didnt leave/have his EA cuz of moms passing. Says its because I've changed.(stronger) He admitted that if I hadn't caught him in his EA, he'd still be here. I'm confused about his feelings, but I have to focus on my own right now. He won't respond to my friendship at all. Says he doesn't want to talk about anything, yet brings up the past. I don't know what to think. Confused...
It very well could be a mid life crisis.(hes 44) I don't know, I think its the loss of his mom. He sounds like he got a reality check about life in general--what hes doing, why he works so hard, is he happy, these are the things he has mentioned to me. He's lost. Lost in life..he says how we are total opposites. I've known that from day 1, but here I am. And hes just realizing that 13 yrs. later??...yeh, right..
Your husband needs direction, guidance and some professional help. Gently tell him you love him and would do anything to make him feel better about himself and his life. Tell him someone who's professionally trained might be able to help him because you can't. Men have a REALLY hard time speaking about their problems especially to therapists but he has a lot of past issues he needs to resolve affecting his present life and could affect his future happiness. If you support him and present the suggestion positively he may be receptive to going. Good Luck.
I think hes having a breakdown... 
