Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love. - Page 2
 Talk About Marriage
  The Marriage Advice and Relationship Help Forums
  right
Forums - For Therapists - Link to Us - Advertise  

    A Public Forum Provided by The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory
Register FAQ Community Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Navigation »Talk About Marriage »Talk About Family, Marriage and Relationships »General Relationship Discussion » Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

General Relationship Discussion Although anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.

Like Tree22Likes

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 04-16-2012, 03:38 AM   #16 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 421
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdrop01 View Post
Wife hasn't tried to contact me at all today or even come home. Do I just wait it out? I'm just hoping things turn around for the better.
You need to remember what being an alpha male is all about. Love the people who want to be part of your life, and the rest can go die in a fire. Don't call her, don't pester her, don't try to influence her friends or family. Just pretend she doesn't exist. If and when she's ready to talk to you, she will call you. Being an emo drama queen will only push her away. I'm not saying you're an emo drama queen; I'm just saying that's what you are trying to avoid becoming. It's hard, but you can do this.


Quote:
Her mom talked me and gave me the low down. Basically she felt like I was a little controlling like smoking cigarette's and how much she drank or at least only liquor because she became mean.
Huge red flag. The cool thing about drugs is that they can impair or excite certain parts of the brain so you get a better understanding of what a person's brain thinks about. Alcohol tends to have a very strong effect on the brain's ability to second guess itself and control behavior. What a person says while drunk is what they're actually thinking. This all goes back to a latin saying "in vino veritas" which literally means "in wine [there is] truth." That phrase is actually the main reason I insist on seeing people drunk at least once. The ones who are angry when drunk are the ones you need to avoid at all cost.
ShawnD is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 04-16-2012, 03:56 AM   #17 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 10,889
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

I believe I'd tell her, "Sorry your folks got divorced. Sorry your grandpa died. I know you're going through tough times and I'm your husband and here to help you anyway I can. I know you need some space so I'll give you space and time within reason. While you figure things out, we are still married. I won't be chatting up any other women and I expect you to be 100% faithful, too. I want this marriage to work. A couple things are non-negotiable. I won't live with a drunk and I won't be disrespected. We won't be separating every time a problem arises. We play for keeps or we don't play. Take some time, find peace. I will love you every minute, miss you every minute, but I won't call you, visit you, or check up on you. This is your time to figure out what you want. You have two months.
unbelievable is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 04:17 AM   #18 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 421
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

half serious:
Change the locks on the doors. When she finds that her key doesn't work anymore, say "sorry about that; I thought you weren't coming back" then give her a key.

It doesn't really make logical sense. You're not really locking her out if you're willing to give her a key right away. The intent is that she'll feel that initial shock of being locked out. She's gone for a month, you make no attempt to contact her, and the locks are changed when she comes back.
"Maybe his life doesn't revolve around my drama as much as I thought it did."


I'm basing this on something my gf said. I'm a very laid back person and I don't fight for people. If you say don't call me, I really will not call you. My gf noticed this right away and she said that it made her a bit more careful about her actions. If she gets all dramatic and leaves, she knows I will not chase after her or try to buy back her love. As a result of that, she's not dramatic at all. If she has a problem, she talks to me because talking is the only way to get my attention. I think you can apply the same thing to your current situation. If she wants to talk, you need to be there to listen. Chasing after her or leaving the door unlocked only encourages dramatic behavior.
ShawnD is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 04:03 PM   #19 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 40
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Day 3 no phone call and she didn't come home after work from mid shift. Doing my best to stay strong but I just want to fix this. I just feel she is not missing me like I am missing her. I just don't understand how you love someone for 5yrs and can move out and not think about how much pain and suffering the other person is going through. I haven't called or text I just want her to walk through the doors.
jdrop01 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 04:37 PM   #20 (permalink)
Member
 
Prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 1,759
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdrop01 View Post
Doing my best to stay strong but I just want to fix this. I just feel she is not missing me like I am missing her. I just don't understand how you love someone for 5yrs and can move out and not think about how much pain and suffering the other person is going through.
You are trying to get inside of your wife's head to make sense of this. Quit trying. It will leave you frustrated and get you nowhere.

Okay, your wife pulls a mean drunk. Do you think she is drinking too much? Do you think it is a coping mechanism for the deaths that occurred in her family.

Also, the fact that her parents' marriage broke up is not a reason for her to question her own marriage. MAJOR boundary issues there. Lots of people divorce after a long marriage. Heck, my parents finally got divorced when I was 21. That doesn't mean I figured I would have the same thing happen to me.

Your wife does not deal with her emotions. She bottles stuff up. Thus, you got this explosion. Who really knows what set her off? She has probably detached enough from her own feelings that she isn't even sure. I mean, c'mon, do you seriously believe that her parents' marriage is the sole reason she decided to walk?

Quit trying to figure this out. Grieve your loss. She may come back, she may not. Frankly, she sounds a bit emotionally unstable to me. However, you are going to drive yourself crazy trying to get inside someone else's head to discern their motivations.

Go ahead and cry. Scream at the walls. Heck, bust a couple of dishes. Just get the pain out of your own system first.
__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Prodigal is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 04:58 PM   #21 (permalink)
TRy
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,766
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdrop01 View Post
Day 3 no phone call and she didn't come home after work from mid shift. Doing my best to stay strong but I just want to fix this. I just feel she is not missing me like I am missing her. I just don't understand how you love someone for 5yrs and can move out and not think about how much pain and suffering the other person is going through. I haven't called or text I just want her to walk through the doors.
Although she may or may not have cheated on you you already, there is probably someone else that she has in mind that she wants to explore a relationship with. No kids makes this easy for her. You are officially her back up plan. It is time to move on. It may hurt, but the lack of kids with her cuts both ways and you can and should move on. I feel for you. Be well.
TRy is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 05:02 PM   #22 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 40
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Tell you the truth I really don't know what set her off or what made her want to leave. But, I do know once her parents got divorced she did try to leave me because she had no more faith in marriage. I know this might sound dumb but it really was the reason last time. She is very into her family and I believe this after speaking to her mom. They thank that she was so close to her brothers and sister because if she wasn't they would of lost her.

Yes, she is very horrible at dealing with her emotions. She still dwells on her friend dying almost 9yrs ago or so. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get her to talk about it to ease her pain. All attempts failed and I just got to watch her suffer and try to do my best to comfort. She is a very lonely person and isolates herself all the time.

I know what I am doing is driving me insane I just find it very hard to deal with. If I could just get her to talk to me and get to the bottom of this I might find closure or at least talk myself into letting go and moving on.

She let me with no explanation really and confused with her sayings. I need space, I don't want to see you with anyone else,. She even told me if I were to ask her to stay just to not hurt me that she would. She said it wouldn't even be hard to convince her to stay. I just stared at her confused........ and I am still confused. Yes, I am a mess I will admit that. I think I just need to get out of this house and stay with friends. Only problem is we have two dogs which need attention and I will not neglect them because of her doing.
jdrop01 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 05:16 PM   #23 (permalink)
Member
 
Prodigal's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: My side of the street
Posts: 1,759
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdrop01 View Post
Yes, she is very horrible at dealing with her emotions. She still dwells on her friend dying almost 9yrs ago or so. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to get her to talk about it to ease her pain. All attempts failed and I just got to watch her suffer and try to do my best to comfort. She is a very lonely person and isolates herself all the time.
Well, I'd say you have your answer. This is the type of person you married. Sounds like other than her family, she doesn't trust other people. And, you are "other people." I dated someone like this. In the end, I felt the guy had a boatload of emotional baggage; certainly more than I wanted to take on.

You knew what you got when you married her. She sounds clinically depressed. JMO, but I would guess that her depression and inability to cope with what life throws her way, has a whole lot more to do with her leaving the marriage than you.

And I think that is what you have to examine. I don't think you are nearly as important to her as she is to you. If she got into some serious counseling and went to a doctor to find out if she needs medication, things might turn around.

The only problem is, people who don't want to be fixed will refuse all help. They would rather stew in their own pain, because that pain is familiar. Kinda sick? Yeah. But I married one like that. Which is why I no longer am living under the same roof. I couldn't fix him. He didn't want to be fixed. Our lives. Our choices.

You can try to reach out to her to see if she will get help. If she doesn't want it, you might want to explore your options, like going to counseling for yourself, seeing an attorney to get information ... just have your ducks in a row.

This is painful, I know. Life is full of pain. We all want to avoid it. Unfortunately, life comes 'round and slaps us in the face. You will get through this pain. But you have to go through it to get past it.
__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.
Prodigal is online now   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 06:39 PM   #24 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 30
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

My suggestion is to ask her if she's willing to go to counseling and then to go. I experienced something similar in the last 6 months but I was the one who left. The stimulus for leaving was several traumatic situations involving my mother, a very close friend, both of which caused a great deal of pain from childhood to resurface. I've been married for 23 years and got to a point where I'm not sure what love is and whether I'm capable of it. So, your wife may need you to step back and look at the situation from a different perspective--not so much that she doesn't love you but that she needs you to love her unconditionally right now. There's no guarantees, but showing her that you are willing to help her work through whatever is happening to her emotionally may help her to realize she really does want you.
VostroDH is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-16-2012, 11:55 PM   #25 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 277
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

I see the usual suspicions of cheating being thrown about. Did somebody suspect her of having BPD also?

OP,

I am sorry man. I think she told you the truth. Sounds like she is having a mid life crisis of sorts. And these deaths and her parents divorce shattered what were illusions of what life is supposed. And she realizing she's basically unhappy in life, like I was. And while you obviously love her, she probably feels being a couple is confining. I don't think there is anything to be done but to let her go. She might come back but she needs to get herself straight first.

Sounds like you really love her and I am sorry.
[size=1]Posted via Mobile Device[/size
Unhappy2011 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-17-2012, 12:15 AM   #26 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,721
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

It's bizarre that she's punishing you for the dissolution of her parent's marriage. Why does the survival of your marriage hinge on theirs?

I think you should ask her mother about this and ask her to speak to your wife about it.
Complexity is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-17-2012, 09:43 AM   #27 (permalink)
Banned
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 421
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Complexity View Post
It's bizarre that she's punishing you for the dissolution of her parent's marriage. Why does the survival of your marriage hinge on theirs?

I think you should ask her mother about this and ask her to speak to your wife about it.
People create their own relationship based on their parents relationship. If that relationship fails, then it's likely your own relationship will fail too. This is why women who don't have a dad will likely end up with a guy who is never around or leaves.
ShawnD is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-17-2012, 10:37 AM   #28 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 40
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

I want to thank everyone for all their advice and input. Her father called me yesterday to talk to me and ask me how I was doing. I told him how I am just sick to my stomach and just want to be with his daughter and nothing more. He told me that she is in just as bad shape as I am about the whole situation. Today or in 2 hours we having a meeting with a counselor.

I can say that I am very nervous going. I am scared to hear her utter the words that she did this weekend. But, at the same time I have hope because she actually agreed to meet with me. She could had easily said no and left me be.

We are both in the military and the military is 100% involved in our situation now. We both have a no contact order to where we can not text, call, or email. So, the only way for us to even talk is both parties have to agree with their military leader when one person ask to talk. This is why I have a little hope. I asked my military leader if I could see her and talk to her with a counselor to try to figure things out, basically get to the bottom of what provoked her to do this. He called her military leader and to my surprise she agreed.

I am fully of nerves and just anxious to go. Yes, I know I need to control myself and not focus on me. I am just really scared and nervous on what to say. I know I will mention all the traumatic life events that are happening and let her know I am here 100% of the way even if she needs time. I just pray for today's meeting to go smooth and have some sort of resolution.
jdrop01 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-17-2012, 02:38 PM   #29 (permalink)
Member
 
southern wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Wine Cellar
Posts: 10,144
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdrop01 View Post

no explanation really and confused with her sayings. I need space, I don't want to see you with anyone else,
To me, this screams affair or affair in the making. There is no other real reason for her behavior. Yes, she's going through some tough things in her life, but that's when you lean on your loved ones for support; not just leave and disappear.

Who has she been staying with?
southern wife is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Old 04-17-2012, 03:57 PM   #30 (permalink)
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 40
Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

She has being staying with her friend who is a female from work. This has be verified by her First Sergent and Flight Chiefs and reassured to myself because I was wondering also.

There are a lot of no contact orders out for people who she works with and people I work with. Just so no one can bother us and keep our minds clear.

We had our session today but to me I felt betrayed. I had the thought that we were going to talk to each other but we did not. The counselor pulled us in 1 by 1 and discussed what every issues were on our minds. I told her everything that was happening in her life with her grandfather on his death bed, cousin dying, and her Dad's GF committing suicide.

She then brought my wife in and my wife related the same information and talked about how she feels that sometimes we are friends and sometimes we aren't. Other things like how we might have little trust issues.

I then thought we were suppose to get together and talk. The counselor brought me back and I was stunned not to see my wife in the room. I asked for a explanation and said this is why we got pulled in here today. She said my wife was not ready to talk to me because she is not thinking clearly and doesn't want to say the wrong things to me and have me asking questions.

So, the counselor gave us a assignment to write a letter out with exactly how we feel. We will bring this paper back on Thursday and read it to one another. Now mind you this was not forced upon her by the counselor. My wife actually came up with it and the counselor agreed.

My First Sergent also suggested if I do not want to stay in the house anymore they could have her move back in and me move to a friends until this problem is resolved. I didn't know how to answer that question so I said I would think about it.

I feel like yes she should move in and see how it feels to live inside the house you have memories everywhere. How it feels to walk up the stairs and stare at our wedding photos and take care of our animals we bought together as a young couple. I feel it is her turn to sleep in the bed and wake up to it empty and walk around a empty house. I also feel this is selfish and would do nothing but harm and push her further away. Am I wrong or is it her turn to feel the misery of missing each other.

Yes, I hate being here looking at our photo's and waking up to a empty bed and taking care of our dogs. It kills me because it just reminds me of her. What should I do?

Also there is no affair in the making or such. Her father was very clear to me on that subject and I did not ask him to ask. I didn't even make a attempt to call him, he called me yesterday. He called and gave me the low down. She is doing just as bad and feels horrible.

The counselor let me know that my wife expressed how much she does care for me and doesn't want to see me hurt. Counselor said that my wife just has a lot on her mind/plate but doesn't know how to handle it.

Should I stay in this house another 2 days or have her move in and me out? I still have hope because my wife is the one scheduling all this appointments without me. To me if she didn't care she would say F it and let me be in misery. Thoughts?
jdrop01 is offline   Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.
User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife says she is in love with another man, but still loves me garrarda Coping with Infidelity 123 11-05-2012 02:38 PM
I love my wife, not sure she loves me anymore. LostMaestro General Relationship Discussion 13 11-23-2011 11:58 AM
Wife said she loves me very much, but doesn't feel she is in love with me... daddyo73 General Relationship Discussion 45 09-12-2011 01:08 PM
My wife says she loves me but not in love help! loveless1 General Relationship Discussion 12 09-28-2010 05:44 AM
Wife had an affair and say's she loves me but not in love with me anymore? HELP! drivingmenutzkma Coping with Infidelity 7 09-23-2010 06:38 AM

Member Area

Find a Therapist:


Sponsor Ads


Sponsor Ads




Get The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory Help Guide via Email:
Name:
Email:




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 11:11 PM.



Copyright 2007 - 2013 © Talk About Marriage

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.