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Old 04-23-2012, 08:22 AM   #91 (permalink)
MrK
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

If I were a Vegas odds maker, I'd put great odds at her not coming back. They rarely do. And trust me, it's A LOT easier to do the "no affection" thing when you are the one that fell out of love. I truly believe that my wife has no idea how much I suffer when EVERY NIGHT she comes to bed and turns her back to me with barely a "good night".

I am 50. Married 20+ years. 3 kids. I place her falling out of love with me between kid 2 and 3, over 10 years ago. I found out about it 2 years ago. I'm trapped. I'm not breaking up my family because I'm not loved by my wife. Your wife gave you the greatest gift a walk away wife can give: a warning. Heed it.

I didn't specifically see it mentioned, but I don't think you have kids. It sucks, and you don't see it now, but she's giving you a do-over. Take it, thank her and find someone who will love you forever.

Good luck. Believe it or not, I envy you.
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Old 04-23-2012, 10:04 AM   #92 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

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I truly believe that my wife has no idea how much I suffer when EVERY NIGHT she comes to bed and turns her back to me with barely a "good night".
.


Have you talked to her about this?
I know this thread is not about you but if you have your story somewhere posted here pls. give me the link.
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Old 04-23-2012, 11:07 AM   #93 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

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Only thing that pisses me off is this no feelings crap. To me it's BS because why come back home? Why want me to come to New York with you, why do you want me to hang out on the couch and be around you? I understand you don't want physical interaction but yes I still find myself having urges to express myself to her in that way. But, then I get the I am not on that level as you are feelings BS. BUT she cared that I went on a stroll to collect my mind. I know she is confused and thinks her feelings for me has ran its course as she says but then why is she still here wanting to be around me! Makes no sense and I am tired of it. I just act like me and I do say what I want to say without no remorse. But yea the non kissing physical attraction crap is killing me. She only just says I don't have those feelings but I am attracted to you......... My situation feels so strange.
jdrpo1,

Your situation feels strange to you because you are a man. If you find your way to understand how feelings originate and manifest themselves and how women, particularly your wife, process all this, things will become a lot clearer for you. If I can be of any assistance at all, I would suggest that the situation has a lot to do with how she feels about herself. Women receive a massive number of messages every day that directly affect their perception of themselves, mostly in a negative fashion. There are a number of reasons for this but the first one that comes to mind is commercialism.
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Old 04-24-2012, 12:27 AM   #94 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

I am clueless what to do. My wife just keeps telling me she doesn't want to be married. But at the same time she is telling me that there could be a chance because she hasn't left or gave me the divorce paperwork. What am I suppose to do? Just sit and wait? How is it even possible to have someone fall back into love with you when they seem set on not being married. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks. She even invited me to go to New York with her and her family for a 10 day vacation. Do I go with hoping something might happen? I get she has no feelings for me nor wants to be married then why is she still here? Why not leave? Do I have a real shot at this or am I fooling myself. I am starting to get real frustrated and want to stop even caring because its wearing me down mentally and physically.
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Old 04-24-2012, 01:24 AM   #95 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

She really is mindf'n you.

The trip might a reason for her to see you care about her? That you're "part" of her/her family?
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Old 04-24-2012, 02:06 AM   #96 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

I need to start not caring because when I do it shouldn't affect me as much.
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Old 04-24-2012, 03:55 PM   #97 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Not sure about you going with on that trip..may or may not help hmm..I'm leaning more twords you not going.. this way you both have time apart.. she can talk with her family about your situation without you being there and hopefully miss you and be glad to be back home with you..but I don't know..
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Old 04-24-2012, 04:09 PM   #98 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

Do go to a lawyer and make sure she knows you are going to a lawyer, she needs to be hit with the reality of this. Tell her.."fine you don't wanna be married then I mine as well file" go and get advice from a lawyer..you don't have to file yet but you can get a free consultation.
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Old 04-24-2012, 05:03 PM   #99 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

"My wife just keeps telling me she doesn't want to be married. But at the same time she is telling me that there could be a chance because she hasn't left or gave me the divorce paperwork. What am I suppose to do? Just sit and wait?" [/I]

Ok...she has to make a decision one way or the other--and it is not unfair for you to insist on that. If she doesn't want to be married, then it is best to move on. Maybe if you tell her that at the end of the lease, if she hasn't made it clear she wants to remain married, then that will be the end of it. Of course, if you cannot wait that long (which I would understand) then make the deadline sooner. Either way, she can't force you to stay in limbo.

In my situation, I moved out and my husband and I went to counseling for 4 months. We had our last free session last Friday. When asked if he wanted me to move back, he said he didn't know. Well, that puts me in the same position of limbo because I want to move back to continue working on the marriage. So, I told him that until he can tell me what he wants and is willing to show the effort, I'm not pushing it anymore. I've already got my own place so for me it's just the emotional disconnection now. I figure when the time comes for me to renew my lease, if he still hasn't shown any effort or expressed a desire to stay married, then I'll file for divorce.

I'm sorry you're going through such pain and encourage you to take control of your own boundaries (i.e., what you're willing to put up with).
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Old 04-24-2012, 05:38 PM   #100 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

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I need to start not caring because when I do it shouldn't affect me as much.
There you go. It's not going to be easy, though. I've been working on it for over 2 years. It's just starting to get easier. Form me, though, the first year was coming to the conclusion that my marriage was over. You are lucky in that you have MrK telling you it's over now. Start healing. Live life for you.
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Old 04-24-2012, 05:52 PM   #101 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

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Do go to a lawyer and make sure she knows you are going to a lawyer, she needs to be hit with the reality of this. Tell her.."fine you don't wanna be married then I mine as well file" go and get advice from a lawyer..you don't have to file yet but you can get a free consultation.
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A few things:

1) See a lawyer and figure out your rights and obligations. Information is key, so that you can put together a sound, realistic plan. It would not hurt to let your wife know you are doing this.

2) Start taking care of yourself. Your wife does not want the job, so you need to do it. Get exercise, watch what you eat, connect back with friends for support. See a doctor to make sure you are getting the help you need. You don't need to be a jerk, but I do think you need to distance yourself from your wife. Don't keep bringing this up, or wanting to talk it out. Let her approach you.

3) Don't lie for her. She does not want to be married, so don't pretend that your marriage is great. I would not go on the vacation, because to me that would be lying. If your in-lwas ask why, tell them the truth. Not in a mean way, but in a calm honest manner that it is not what you want, but your wife is not happy.

4) Find the thread let them go and read it. See how this applies to you.
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Old 04-24-2012, 06:01 PM   #102 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

TallAverageGuy I agree with all of your points..but what do you mean by the last one you wrote number 4?
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Old 04-24-2012, 06:08 PM   #103 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

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TallAverageGuy I agree with all of your points..but what do you mean by the last one you wrote number 4?
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There is a thread here titled "Let Them Go" which includes a discussion on the idea of letting your spouse go in these types of situations. Letting your spouse find happiness, even if it means without you. There was alot of wisdom in the main post, as well as the discussion of the concept that I think would help the OP. My recollection is that Morturi (sp?) includes a link to that thread in his signature.
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Old 04-24-2012, 06:11 PM   #104 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

ah ok ty was just confused
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Old 04-26-2012, 04:15 PM   #105 (permalink)
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Default Re: Wife left me. Say's she loves me but not in love.

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I need to start not caring because when I do it shouldn't affect me as much.
If you love someone whole heartedly, it is very difficult to have it NOT affect you when they do things that don't make sense, activities that we would never consider doing to them. For lack of a better term, to me it was like being sucker kicked right in the balls, except that the pain has never gone completely away for me.

Don't condemn yourself for caring as much as you do, that is part of what makes a person a good partner. If you didn't care then you could just say "Oh well" and let her walk out that door without it bothering you, that would only mean you never loved her to begin with.

A counselor told me that telling yourself not to think about something is very very hard. "Don't think about a zebra". As I typed that, what are you thinking about? A zebra. Add emotions into that and it is 100 times worse. Right now you are right where I'm at, trying to figure out what exactly it is that your spouse wants, and if you are anything like me, you replay events in your mind from your entire time together, and ask "How could I have done this differently, what have I done wrong???" I have yet to find the secret to getting past that and realizing that, regardless of what I did, could have done, or did not do, it is likely the same events would have still occurred. I wasn't perfect, but I also know that this is mostly due to issues she is having, and not my fault. It is still hard to get that driven into my thick skull though.
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