Wife says she loves me but I can't feel the magic.

synxz001 · 04-16-2012, 04:41 AM

Hello and thank you all for reading.

My wife and I have been in what I consider a successful marriage for 7 years now and prior to marriage we have 4 years of romanticism.

The issue: I love my wife, she says she loves me, I don't feel her love.

Relationship aspects:
* We had to separate from monday to friday due to her work, it has been this way for about 7 months now.
* I pick her up on fridays and we see each other for the whole weekend and stay together in holiday periods.
* She lives with her parents.
* She is a teacher and I am a computer engineer, we work similar hours and equivalent days.
* We go over and split expenses.
* I call her every day we dont see each other and talk about our days and other gossip.
* We usually chat in the evenings online.
* We text each other love messages during the week.
* I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me (and viceversa).
* We always hold hands or hug when together in public.
* I always make eye contact when I tell her I love her.
* Sex is great for both of us. Yes it goes both ways around.
* I'm the cook but she helps me, we both clean dishes.
* We both wash, together or separate.
* No kids yet. We do want to have children.
* In our late 20's.
* My job consumes minimum fatigue and most of the time I'm preppy and full of energy.
* Her Job consumes a lot of energy and seems to produce a great amount of stress and fatigue.
* When she moved away 7 months ago she became a part time mother raising our nephew with her mother, my sister-inlaw was finishing college and attending her husband while in the process of conceiving another child. Why people do stupid things like this still amazes me.
* I warned my wife not to get attatched to our nephew, being the unexperience man I am it never went through my head that when a woman spends over 8 hours a day with a child she automatically becomes a mother, well in my wife's case that is... I have no personal grudge agains our nephew, I'm just very pissed that her irresponsable sister had that child and my wife ended up raising him and now they are very attatched and she will be moving back with me when she gets her transfer and I have to put up with her misery missing him. Oh well.
* I drive about 60 miles to pick her up on fridays and another 60 miles to take her back on sundays.
* We have 1 car, she knows how to drive, I don't trust our car enough to let her do the weekend transit, its too frequent, its a dangerous highway and we also live in a dangerous country, she feels confident of herself but as an ex police commander and knowing our country the way it is I prefer to do things this way.
* She is usually exausted on fridays, but I drag her to go shopping for our weekend supplies, when we get home she hits the sack,I tuck her in and tell her I love her and kiss her goodnight and then I usually do some online activity like gaming, watching videos, reading, etcetera till I get sleepy.
* Saturdays we usually spend together watching videos, or tv or going out to a movie or having a lot of sex, making a big lunch or dinner, taking a shower together, joking around, etcetera.
* I have been very jealeous lately, we have very little time together and sometimes she spends part of her saturday with her friends (all female with 10+ years age difference, lol), sometimes she has to go to a meeting or class on the weekends, sometimes we have a family event and we spend the weekend with my inlaws (I love them and they are my family, even my spoiled brat nephew), I have never felt jealeous until lately.
* I try to spice up our weekends by doing mystery love poem riddles, going out to a cafe and talking, changing from stay in the house activities and going out recreational activites, depending on how depleted she is and if or not she has something scheduled, hahahaha.
* I'm pretty much the pleaser, I let her do as she wishes, I usually do as she asks, other things we talk over and agree on, she tells me she loves me, she smiles to me, she says im handsome, that I'm the perfect man the best husband any woman could want and of lately I don't feel anything she says, the are just words, non of which make it to my heart nor my soul.
* It seems to me that economically we are alright, as for chores and things to do we work together to get it done, sexually we are great together, but as affection I am way out of sync and its only me because she says she feels perfectly she loves me, "I feel like I have been fueling the magic in our relationship for a long time now", I told her those exact words and she agreed on it but has no idea how to fix that, she doesn't know what to do and I don't know what to do either, I don't know how to feel the love, I feel I've been a horrible husband for telling her how I feel and she feels that she's been a horrible wife for not being able to reach my heart.

*I have never cheated on my wife, I believe her when she says she has never cheated on me, despite the fact that I have seen some flirty online conversations of hers with some of her male friends from college in the past, which hasnt bothered me too much since I have always been trying to improve myself as a person and husband.

Have I become inmune to my wife's affection? Maybe its not love what I lack, maybe its called something else, I'm not the expert when using terms that are not my profession, maybe its romance she is lacking and I'm just confusing it with love. All I know is that I love her more than anything in the world and I can feel that, but when she expresses it to me it feels like a big hole is in my chest and it makes me soo sad, my eyes tear and I cry and when I tell her how I feel she cries too.

She doesnt cling on to me as she used to, she doesnt look up to me like she used to, the look is soo different in her eyes, when we're together she doesn't smile the way she used to, when she tells me the gossip she had with her friends on the weekend I can see the sparkle in her eyes of that emotion she doesn't experience with me anymore, when we go out to a movie or a park or something its feels like "just another day" to her, she asks me what I want her to do, but I don't "want to make my wife" do anything, I would love her to cling on to me like a crazed in love school girl again, I would love to see her eyes sparkle when we talk together over some beverage or treat, I would love to see her excited every time like if it were the first time I took her to see a movie, I would love for her to treat every insignificant thing I give her with my heart as if it were some precious jewel and soo much more... I don't dare tell my wife those are the things I want soo desperately because my heart would reject them. We made a wager in a game a month and a half ago, she lost and stills owes me a love letter, shes been on vacation for 2 weeks now, her vacation is over and shes back home, I didn't get a love letter, I didn't remind her that she owed me one either, I was hoping I would at least get a crappy piece of paper with "I love you" on it, I don't want her to obligate her to write one either, I belive a love letter shouldnt be made of forced emotions. The love letter thing was something that came up during valentines day, I made her a beautiful Red love letter printed with the words "My eternal Love" written by myself in Kanji trifolded neatly with a love poem of the longetivity of our relationship and my promise to love her on and on, sealed with a white paper brace I decorated and made myself. Valentines day was on a tuesday this year, but we decided to celebrate on a saturday, we had a plan to have a romantic dinner prepared by me, unfortunately she had planned to go out with a friend of hers (female with 10 years age difference) and she asked me to call her around 3 if she wasnt home by then to have an excuse to come home, I called at 3pm and her cell phone was out of area, I located her friends cell phone and she picked up and I asked her if my wife was around and she said she was in the city and that she hadn't seen my wife all day, and I was like WTF? and then she mentioned that she had seen another one of their teacher friends go by and they probably went out together or something, so I made a few calls and finally got some numbers and tried to locate my wife to make sure she didnt have a wreck or something, I got her friends cell phone number but it just rang and rang and then I tried calling her number for over an hour and it just was out of area, finally I just left it all up to faith, half an hour later she called me and I just asked if she was ok and she said yes and that she would be home in half an hour, an hour passed by and she got home, it was past 6 pm and she was pissed that I called around a lot and freaked her friends out and accused me of being over jealous, she even said she got home late on purpose because of that and I told her firmly that "she" was the one that asked me to call her at 3, I had never complained about her coming in late on weekends when she goes out with her friends, but this time I was "asked to call" and she wasnt we're she was supposed to be and I didnt get a notice about that change, anyway I gave her this freaklishly beautiful valentines day card I spent all morning and after noon making and said happy valentines day im going to make your fabulous lunch I had planned for you, she read the love letter and cried a lot and asked for forgiveness, I just left the room to make dinner and then served dinner and told her I loved her and was pissed at her the rest of the weekend.

Anyway, its 4 AM here and I gotta go to work in about 2 hours and a half, the valentines incident is just one of a few similar things this year, I don't know what to think, nor what to do, maybe im just crazy, I don't know if I'm right or wrong or if im just off track, I never asked my wife to love me, I know my vows are to love her forever because I wrote them myself, I plan on keeping those vows as long as she desires, I don't know when I stopped feeling loved by her, I don't know when this emptiness overwhelmed my heart, I know the path to cure it, but she doesn't, I cant tell her because I would feel its not true, if that were to happen I have no idea what I would need.

Im open to any suggestions, I've been all over website forums: according to what I read the problem is that she should be the one making the relationship richer and that everything indicates that I'm doing everything right, then again I dont believe half the crap on the internet.

I don't know if I screwed things up, I told her tonight that I don't feel the love and that she needs to figure out if she really loves me or not, since this was over a messenger I'm not sure what kind of response it was when she said "I love you, I don't know how to make you feel that", since there was no tone to it.

Well thank you in advance for all the responses, I do feel a lot better after writting all that, good night and wish me luck.

accept · 04-16-2012, 05:25 AM

I would say first of all you should go to a counsellor by yourself. I am sure there is plenty you havent told us. I can also add that you are not alone. Although you may read on here all the time that women show their love more than men do I am not sure thats the case. The real question is was she ever different and has she changed. Your setup of being separate most of the time is not very good. Absence doesnt always make the heart grow fonder. Perhaps you should also try the opposite of not talking daily to make it a real absence. She should really want to hear your voice and be excited about it. Are you sure she doesnt want kids. Maybe she holds that against you. At least have you given her a time line when you will want them. I have more to say but will rather wait to hear from others first.

clenzemary · 04-16-2012, 07:42 AM

The distance created between you and your wife as a result of the nature of her work is posing a serious challenge . You need to decide as a family on what steps to take to overcome this challenge. Although it may not be easy to restrain your wife from rendering assistance to members of her first family(your in-laws) you should discuss on how she needs to show moderation in rendering her assistance. You definitely want to tickle the spark back into your relationship from your wife's end but do not know how to lead her into doing it or sometimes don't feel like telling her because you fear it may not be termed natural.I have to mention her that there is no rule that says that the female partner should always be the one working hard to make a relationship richer, indeed both parties are meant to be working at it. You therefore should start from today to letting your wife know the ways / things to be done in order to bring the spark back into your marriage.Tell her for instance, how it hurts when she abandons you for other appointments with her friends and remind her (without being aggressive) of the need to place you above all other priorities (Only next to God).In addition,you need to specifically create opportunities to spend more time together as a couple. Your post is elaborate but scanty in some other areas,otherwise it may have been easy to ascertain if you wife's current disposition is not a reaction to a past of seclusion despite being married to you as a result of your gross engagement in your work,hobbies e.t.c . Most people make strong friends outside their marriage if their partners do not have their time. You need to to look more closely to make the necessary amendments and I assure that in no distant time, with proper counselling your marriage would be back on course

growtogether · 04-16-2012, 08:41 AM

Hello

Waoow... You are a romantic guy, we don't see them too much anymore. The way you use words, the way you communicate your life to this forum is beautiful. I can feel everything that you feel by the way you wrote this message.
What do you want from this situation? You want her to love you more? You want to feel the love more from her? You want her to be honest with you? What exactly are you looking for?

MrsOldNews · 04-16-2012, 09:05 AM

N

RelationshipAdviceHelp · 04-16-2012, 04:23 PM

There are two sides to every story, but if half of what you say is true, she should consider herself fortunate to have you.

Since it seems you do get a chance to talk to each other and it goes well, I would - only in person!

Tell her the things that bother you and that while you applaud her desire to help her nephew, she was and is your wife first.

The long distance is not good, if that can be corrected at all, do so.

unbelievable · 04-17-2012, 12:50 AM

There is no magic. There are relationships that work and those that don't. Yours seems to have worked pretty well, considering the challenges. We grow, we mature, our needs change.....life happens. Teachers get long breaks. Take her on a romantic cruise and romance her knickers off.