b_rose68

My husband and I have been married 8 months, and married only after a year of dating, so altogether we have been together 1 year and 8 months. We are really happy for the most part, but we have an issue that is dragging me down, and making me feel like I want out. Every since we first started dating, I have had to deal with his ex girlfriends, ex flings, and girls that I new he had an emotional thing going on with. By had to deal with, I mean he would keep them in his life, and let them talk about me in terrible ways, let them flirt with him, and even some of them tried to get back with him and he let this go on, without ever physically cheating on me that i know of, but hiding these women from me. It has gotten alot better than it was a year ago, but these things are STILL coming up. I have laid down my boundaries time after time, told him "When I married you, we agreed that the past would be past, and we would not have these people in our lives" But he continues to find ways around it. He is a smart man, but when we have ANY kind of issue like this, he plays dumb!! He says he didnt think it would bother me, or he didnt think it through, even if we had JUST agreed it wouldnt happen, or if he had just made me a promise that he wouldnt speak to that one again. I want to trust him so bad but I cant. I tried to explain to him that when he promises me something, and then turns around and breaks it with "I didnt think it would bother you" that only scares me more, because what else is he going to "think wouldnt bother me"???? Im just so tired of it, and i can feel myself slipping further and further away from him, loving him a little less every time he lies to me or hurts me, and i dont want that. We have a 6 month old son together and he needs his daddy. Also I truely want this to work, I love the man so much, I just dont think I can go through this for the rest of my life. We have had the same conversation at least 50 times, and it always ends bad. What do I do?? How many more times do I let this happen?? How can I get him to truely understand what he is doing to our marraige?

eowyn

I didn't vote either ways.. not sure .. esp with the 6month old baby

Trust issues are hard to deal with. Also are you sure he is not crossing the line behind your back? Maybe you need to tell him its a choice he has to make.. its either his "past" (x-gfs) or his "future" (family) This behavior is weird in my books. Tolerating this behavior is not a good idea and will only make it worse.

Prodigal

He isn't "letting" these women say terrible things about you; after all, he has no control over what comes out of peoples' mouths. HOWEVER, he should make it clear immediately that he does not want to hear anyone else bad-mouthing you. Doesn't sound like he is particularly loyal where you are concerned. Nothing physical? Don't be so sure. He's allows a lot of other crap to go on, that has no business going on in his life.


No, you aren't setting boundaries. Boundaries have consequences. Of course he continues to find ways around your boundaries because you allow it. In other words, saying "We won't allow these people in our lives," is a statement. Saying, "If you continue to play slap-and-tickle with other women, I will leave you. I will not return until you stop this behavior," is a boundary.

He's smart enough to play dumb. You are angry about it, but he hasn't had to pay with any consequences. Not only that, he wants this pattern of behavior to continue. Sure, he knows it bothers you, but he doesn't care.


I hope you are beginning to understand that you cannot unilaterally "want" a marriage to work. Two people are involved. Is your husband involved in the marriage or is he more invested in having his ego fanned by other women?

What do you do? Enforce a boundary. Make it stick. And as far as how many more times you can let this happen ... as long as you allow it. If the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, then you will leave.

He doesn't want to hear you; probably thinks you are nagging him. He pulls the passive-aggressive dumb act. Frankly, I'd start checking out the phone bill, emails, his FB account (if he has one), and get some more details.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

Love Song

My answer wasn't no it was HELL NO!!!

There's a difference between setting boundaries and sticking to them. Your beating a dead horse.

SlowlyGettingWiser

I am assuming you and your husband are quite young.

1.) How old are you guys?

2.) You and your husband married in August 2011, correct?
a.) Were you ALREADY planning to be married in August 2011 OR
b.) did you decide to GET MARRIED because you were pregnant OR
c.) did you move a previously-planned wedding date up because you were pregnant?
(I am making NO JUDGEMENTS here, just need the facts to get a better read on the situation.)

3.) Is your husband your first SERIOUS relationship?

Because IF you're as young as I think you are, and IF you got married or moved up your wedding date BECAUSE you were pregnant, then I'm thinking your husband is feeling like he got married/became a daddy too young, is missing his single life, is feeling like he wants to go back to his carefree days of flirting & fun.

But, I may be ALL WRONG (yeah, THAT would not be a first!) The answers to these questions would enable other posters and myself to have better insight into the dynamics of your relationship and offer you more thoughtful advice.

b_rose68

I am 21, he is 27. He had been telling me he wanted to marry me from a few weeks after we met, but yes, he bought the ring after I got pregnant. When I met him he was the one wanting to settle down though, he told me he wanted a wife and a child and that was all. We didnt mean for me to get pregnant, and i was the only one unhappy about it. (of course I am happy now, my son is my world)

b_rose68

You are right about setting boundaries, I know I am not keeping them. I have told him plenty of times that i would leave him if it continued, and have even left before, only to come back when he says he is sorry and that it wont happen again. But obviously it keeps happening so I am doing something wrong.
By "letting" these women talk bad about me, I mean he has never once put a woman in her place for speaking badly about his wife. which makes me feel as though theyre feelings are more important to him than mine.

Ten_year_hubby

I don't know if you can see this, but your disagreement has escalated from being about his actions to being about him as a person to being about your relationship

I personally agree with your request but I know from experience that we can't always make someone do what we want

eowyn

Probably the situation calls for setting your OWN boundaries rather than his. By that I mean, you need to seriously think after what point it is ENOUGH and time to leave this person. Most would agree the point is NOW, but you can think about it. In any case, I would not be too optimistic in your situation. You say you told him many times, also left him briefly. Even then this continues.... Try to handle this from a more practical view point rather than emotional one where you would end up with lot of wishful thinking.

A husband needs to stand up for his wife when ANYONE talks bad about her. Typically the "anyone" would be the husband's mother, sister, friend or something like that. But in this case we are talking about your husbands "EX-GFS". That is unheard of and inexcusable!

Are there any other missing pieces to this? Also it won't be surprising to know that he might be having something more than 'just friendship' with these ex-gfs! Btw, how many girls are we talking about here?

I fail to understand the logic behind this. Unless there is more to it or not as bad as it sounds I would say it would be better to leave.

Prodigal

I come across as hard as an anvil at times. But sometimes I feel I have to do it when someone posts sounding so miserable, desperate, and in dire need of answers.

You are young. I can understand that you don't want to ditch your marriage after just eight months.

But if your husband continues to do something which you have made very clear bothers you, then it may be time to take an extended leave of absence. Forget the crying and begging he pulls to get you to return. Talk is cheap. Actions speak volumes.

Is sounds like now that your husband has a wife and a baby in his life, he is starting to wonder if he didn't sow all his wild oats pre-marriage.

So, maybe another separation? This time insist he get into counseling with you, and cut out the flirting nonsense. Don't go back until you see how he is in counseling. If he is serious about his marriage, he'll put work into saving it.

I hope he sees the error of his ways and things work out for both of you.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

SlowlyGettingWiser

You are getting some REALLY good advice here. Trying to eliminate the 'emotion' from it and look at the cold, hard facts usually makes it easier to make an intelligent decision. Unfortunately, when you're in the middle of it, eliminating the emotion is well nigh impossible.

That is why I am URGING you to re-read the posts and do some serious thinking.

1.) Your husband is engaging in Emotional Affairs. A spouse may not be having physical intimacy with someone else, but they are investing love, feelings, time, attention to someone who is NOT their spouse. These can be EVERY BIT as painful as an actual Physical Affair.

2.) Your husband was unfaithful from the beginning, even though he professed to wanting to marry you within a few weeks of meeting you. "Every since we first started dating, I have had to deal with...girls that I new he had an emotional thing going on with"

3.) Although you have told him repeatedly that it bothers you and that he needs to stop acting so disrespectfully, he continues to socialize with girl-friends, ex's, former 'flings', and women with whom he's had EAs. AND, he permits them to trash-talk you in his presence.

4.) You have left once already, but came back when he promised that things would be different. However, actions did NOT follow the promises.

5.) You ask "How can I get him to truely understand what he is doing to our marraige?" Believe me, he understands what he's doing (forget the 'dumb' act); he just doesn't believe you have the backbone to do anything about it.

You have to look at your OWN responsibility in this, too. In your original post, you complained about how he "promises something and then turns around and breaks it". YOU HAVE DONE THE SAME THING. You have promised him that you will NOT accept this behavior any more, but then you do. You let him treat you deceptively and disrespectfully....but there are no consequences (as others have pointed out.)

I stick with my initial thoughts on the matter: your husband is regretting being tied down with a wife/baby when he has ample opportunity to socialize with single women who, apparently, don't hold his marriage vows in very high esteem (he doesn't seem to either, so perhaps they're made for each other?!?) He wants to eat his cake and have it, too. (Wife/baby/homelife when convenient, flirting, fun, sleazy behavior when wanted.)

I agree with Prodigal's advice except no "maybe?" to the separation. DEFINITELY time for a separation. "This time insist he get into counseling with you...Don't go back until you see how he is in counseling. If he is serious about his marriage, he'll put work into saving it."

Set some definite time-limits on behavior changes: IMMEDIATELY stop ALL interaction (in-person, email, cell phone, texting, FaceBook, etc.) with ALL ex-GFs, former-flings, and women he's had EAs with, get into MC with you IMMEDIATELY, talk to your MC about realistic goals and timetables for behavior changes you should see/feel. If you believe your husband is NOT really giving 100% to the MC, then you need to leave permanently.

He's never been (emotionally) faithful to you. If he doesn't stop NOW at the threat of losing his wife and son, then he's NEVER gonna be faithful to you.

Goldmember357

He is cheating or if he is not right now than he will. The way he is treating you is terrible its ridiculous for you to put up with such crap if i where you id leave.

Leave before it gets worse

I feel you can do better and find someone better do you?