General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Okay, in your original post you said she is angry about something you 'might' have said a long time ago. Now you're admitting that she is angry about something you 'did' say a long time ago.
You admitted it was stupid. If you have SINCERELY apologized to her and never said it again, I believe she is acting immaturely to hold this over your head with CONSTANT anger for YEARS.
Have you pointed out that you said one stupid thing ONE TIME and in her mind that equates to being angry DAILY for YEARS. She needs to grow the hell up!
I do say stupid things from time to time; don't we all? BUT I have never said anything that is so bad that my sincere apology should not mend. On top of that, like most guys, I will step up my efforts even more to make her happy.
But honestly, do I really have to spend the rest of my life apologizing? It's not like I slept with my 22 year old receptionist!
And just because I am a man does not exclude me from wanting to feel loved and respected by my mate.
Sooner or later she will drive me into the arms of another, I can't go on like this but at the same time I cannot risk hurting my kids in the slightest.
No kids? Gonzo. Wouldn't care at all about the cost.
Don't use her behaviour as an excuse to cheat. There are more constructive ways of dealing with this problem. What if you cheated and your children found out somehow? Think that wouldn't hurt them?
Date nights are extremly rare. She makes it painfully obvious that it is not a joy to go out as a couple. When we do manage to go out she just sits there looking miserable.
I do appreciate your advice. I am just at my wits end!
I see my friend's wives who aren't treated half as nicely or have the level of lifestyle that she enjoys, they are very affectionate and appreciative of every little thing that thier husbands do.
I get nothing!!!
Reg,
You are the man here and it is up to you to turn this around. Comparing your situation to others is counterproductive so quit. I just don't believe that you can't find something you can do together every week that can overpower her desire to appear miserable
[QUOTE=Jeff/BC;688360]I am ALWAYS suspicious when I read a post that basically says, "I'm perfect and my partner is the spawn of satan". Seldom, in my experience, is that accurate ... although rarely it is. [QUOTE]
Ha ha ha! I was thinking the same exact thing. Nobody is that perfect.
Another thing I was wondering is what was it you "might have said in anger" a long time ago that she is still resentful for? You seem to be saying that very lightly like you don't put much weight in it, or don't take it seriously.
Rage-a-holic psychopath with paranoid overtones. Not a gigantic case but it's one of those 'high functioning' types. She likes herself more when she's punishing you.
Never said that I was perfect nor did I intend to convey that. I am trying to demonstrate that it is a very much one sided relationship.
If on occasion shes errs; I am very quick to forgive and forget completely.
I try to be thoughtful and think of any way to make my family's life easier and keep everyone happy. I work in a very high stress industry and simply don't want anyone at home being upset cause I know first hand what stress can do.
So, as I have asked her many times that if I am happy to work as hard as I have to, put in crazy hours and be as helpful at home that I can then why is she still not happy?
The one fault that she does bring up is that I have a tendancy to not talk about things that are bothering me, I bottle it up and eventually get upset. In my defence; I think that it should be obvious that I am not happy with the fact that she has not touched or kissed me in four months...I let it ride to a point where I can't take it anymore and then she shocked that I am upset. Duh. Really?
I think every woman would LOVE to have a husbandl like you!
She's taken you for granted and she doesn't sound afraid to lose you, but she doesn't realize that with her sh!tty behaviour she's losing you every day.
You have spoiled her a bit too much!
I agree 100%. Some people are just miserable and spoiled. Tons of women out there would MURDER to have such a husband and here you have one spoiled brat that for 14 years didn't have punch a clock or worry about deadlines or a boss. No job = No SAHM, No money = No SAHM plain and simple.
OP needs to change his approach and restablish his alpha dog state. His wife needs to appreciate the blessing she has had and stop complaining. If she is so unhappy then get out and get a job and make it out on yourself.
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I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.
Plain and simple, unhappy thinking leads to unhappy feeling. Also, the unhappy actions that stem from these thoughts contribute to feeling unhappy. This trend has been in effect for a while and unfortunately, your wife is in no position to reverse it on her own
Yes, allowing yourself to feel resentful is not good for you or your marriage. Forgiveness is the antidote for resentment and maybe you can model this for your wife to follow since she appears to need some help in this area.
Being over 40 with two kids and being a sahm for over 14 year, you wife is subject to emotional stresses that are far and away in excess of her ability to cope. It's up to you to make up the difference. I would suggest going on regular dates as a starter
With all due respect, it seems you consistently advocate that husbands infantilize their wives and enable bad behavior.
From the OP's statements, his wife really has nothing or reason to complain about. Its very frustrating for a man to provide for his family AND come home to a frigid woman. A good man works hard to provide and expect very little in return. His wife is not meeting her end of the bargain.
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I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.
Plain and simple, unhappy thinking leads to unhappy feeling. Also, the unhappy actions that stem from these thoughts contribute to feeling unhappy. This trend has been in effect for a while and unfortunately, your wife is in no position to reverse it on her own
Why? She cannot choose to be happy or be a mature adult?
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I feel sorry for those with depression, mental illness, hangnails, bad hair, bad childhood memories, etc. I feel sorry for the visually impaired but that doesn't mean I want a blind person flying my airplane and my compassion won't make the flight any safer.
With all due respect, it seems you consistently advocate that husbands infantilize their wives and enable bad behavior.
From the OP's statements, his wife really has nothing or reason to complain about. Its very frustrating for a man to provide for his family AND come home to a frigid woman. A good man works hard to provide and expect very little in return. His wife is not meeting her end of the bargain.
I suggest that husbands treat their wives with compassion, love and understanding. The act of marriage itself enables bad behavior since anyone can present both good or bad behavior over time and a responsible husband supports their wife through thick and thin.
We only hear on side of the story but this is a pattern that repeats itself over and over. Anyone can give advice that leads to another broken family, children hurt, dreams smashed, lives wrecked. My only goal is reconciliation for anyone that will listen and give it a chance.
Our culture tells the stay at home mom that she is worthless and that she has wasted her life. Her friends and family are mostly telling her the same. Who is telling her differently? Men need to understand what they are up against and recognize that it is not their wives
Originally Posted by Sanity
Why? She cannot choose to be happy or be a mature adult?
Originally Posted by Ten Year Hubby
Not without help from her husband
* * * * * * *
As a woman of a 'certain age' and a SAHM for over a decade I've got to say, I'm with Sanity on this one.
Reg HAS modeled forgiveness for his wife, but she won't forgive. Why is it HIS responsibility to make her happy? He can't! No more than he can make her honest, faithful, grateful or anything else.
SHE must choose those things for herself, or not, as she pleases.
The relationship you advocate, Ten Year Hubby, is a parent/child relationship where the wise, tireless, ever-vigilant husband must 'teach' the naive, helpless, confused wifey how to cope in the big, bad 'real' world. Yuck!
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Re: Her anger is driving me away 
