General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
The OM didn't have to deal with the day to day sh*t that happens. Mortgage payments, running a household, children. They had the luxury of living in a make believe world. Easy to be prince charming when none of the crap splatters on you.
Thats exactly what I told my H. SHE wasnt putting up with REAL life w/him and he w/her.
Just never get it though,OM doe'nt have a vehicle,or a apartment or house,God he owns nothing,rents a room,I wonder how that would have worked out,I know it would have lasted Posted via Mobile Device
On THIS subject......our official R (him being completely and totally away from her is about to begin. No work, no email, no phone calls nothing). So now the real work will begin in the R after May 8(his last day). What was THE most important first step after the fog lifted and all contact was broken?
On THIS subject......our official R (him being completely and totally away from her is about to begin. No work, no email, no phone calls nothing). So now the real work will begin in the R after May 8(his last day). What was THE most important first step after the fog lifted and all contact was broken?
spending time together- 10-15 hours a week, not TV watching
openly talking with each other- being able to talk honestly without getting defensive and being able to say the hard stuff
Getting all the details and asking the hard questions,fog kind of evaporated slowly,that was the hardest for me,she still hung on to him being a
nice guy,doesnt see it that way now Posted via Mobile Device
As the 2 week period ended I finally told my wife that "I'd give the marriage a shot". I reiterated the ground rules about her affair (NC, transparency, etc) and then added that we would try the following instead of MC-
Spend 30 minutes a day of just us talking alone.
We would talk calmly
It would be a blame free zone, when someone expresses something we would not argue with those feelings but rather listen and react with our own feelings
We could not get defensive and rather try to understand the other's point of view of why they are upset
We would offer constructive solutions to the problems brought forth
Most importantly we would NOT hold any truth back- even if that meant it would hurt the other
I said if we couldn't pull this off, then we would give MC a shot
he's not holding on to anything like the idea of her being anything other than what she has proven herself to be. I think he is well aware of the fact that she was fictional. He doesnt feel any attachment to her now I dont think. He has been away from her for almost a month. The fog lifted pretty quickly once he wasnt with her everyday. He has been working from home. But that still means communicating w/her via email and phone calls. But I see all of them. and have been present for phone calls. So Im sure he has been on the up and up. She has fished a few times but he just ignores her.
So I havent been able to even really start forgiving him b/c she is still 'in my face' so to speak. Now that he has quit his job to rid us of her, I think we can begin moving forward soon. Its what I hope for.
My next question is about the paranoia? Or whatever you wanna call it. The constant thought that he will/might/could do this again. How do I put that in a place that allows me to keep my eyes open and not be naive but still allowing him to earn the trust back? I guess how do I get the soundtrack of "once a cheater,always a cheater'" out for long enough to let him try and prove otherwise?
My next question is about the paranoia? Or whatever you wanna call it. The constant thought that he will/might/could do this again. How do I put that in a place that allows me to keep my eyes open and not be naive but still allowing him to earn the trust back? I guess how do I get the soundtrack of "once a cheater,always a cheater'" out for long enough to let him try and prove otherwise?
well you can try but the paranoia is probably going to get to you anyways
your best course is transparency and to verify- ie. snoop
snoop until you're bored, the more you verify he isn't doing anything the more you regain trust
well you can try but the paranoia is probably going to get to you anyways
your best course is transparency and to verify- ie. snoop
snoop until you're bored, the more you verify he isn't doing anything the more you regain trust
^^^ Yep. It's been a year since my H's last incident. I snoop/ask/ask some more, etc. If he get's aggravated about it, I inform him that he did it, he made me not trust him, he lied to me, he betrayed me and if he wants this marriage to work, he just has to deal with it, otherwise BYE... He's asking me what more he can do to prove to me that he's not fvcking around... I'm still thinking about it.
Yes. He has volunteered all access. All passwords. GPS, VAR, FBI....lol
He really is trying but its something thats gonna take some verification over the long haul for me. And me looking where he least expects it. Ive done it before and he still doesnt know it.
11Likes
Re: Reconciling 
