General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
First I have to answer with a question, is reconciling ever finished? I'm starting to think not, that it's an ongoing process to keep you and your spouse connected and protect your marriage. Not that a reconciling couple has to spend the rest of their marriage being crushed by triggers and having the heart wrenching discussions that are normal the first couple of years, but kind of an ongoing higher level of attention paid to the relationship and each other.
Anyway, for me the biggest hurdle I faced was me. My wife was incredible to me after D Day, she made it easy on me to do the right things toward reconciliation. It took me a while though to let the whole thing go enough to really start to move forward, it's how I wound up here looking for help. I just kept obsessing over the whole thing and it wasn't constructive. It's been much better since I've learned to let it go for the most part and move on with life.
For me so far....seeing the person that I love right in front of me and not recognizing him. Dealing with the triggers and questioning EVERYTHING he tells me in the back of my mind. Coming to understand that this state of agony I feel is here to stay for a very long time.
Cant say Ive overcome any of them yet. I will though.
It's a work in progress. I took a small break from here and I stay away from the coping with infidelity subforum. Just reading those threads would trigger me. Either it will work out or it won't. I refuse to be in "recovery" for the rest of my life. Best of luck.
For those of you who have reconciled. What were the biggest hurdles you faced and overcame? Posted via Mobile Device
Not believing a word he says. I've thought about this a lot lately. He lied so much, and with such a freaking straight face that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him. And that sucks. I trust most everyone unless I have a reason not to. I trust everyone around me except my H.
Not believing a word he says. I've thought about this a lot lately. He lied so much, and with such a freaking straight face that I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully trust him. And that sucks. I trust most everyone unless I have a reason not to. I trust everyone around me except my H.
I am the exact opposite. I dont trust most people. I trusted him. Damnit.
Even though it's early days our R is going well but all the lies he told is one that I struggle with as well.
How he could have looked me in the face and lied to me all those times is a very difficult concept to grasp.
I know he was deep in the fog and his MLC for a long while and I am trying to accept that this was all part of the process.
Letting go and trusting him fully is going to be difficult but he is doing all that he needs to do and more to help me, so I think we do have a good chance of making this work
X Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Reconciling
Bringing down her emotional wall was by far the most difficult. After about a year in R we had fixed the communication, the empathy, the respect issues, the trust issues, became great friends and she ended the EA. But she built that sucker to last. She knew if she opened her heart to me again it would make her vulnerable again and that was hard to do. But we chipped away at it until it was gone. Start to finish R took about 3 years.
Bringing down her emotional wall was by far the most difficult. After about a year in R we had fixed the communication, the empathy, the respect issues, the trust issues, became great friends and she ended the EA. But she built that sucker to last. She knew if she opened her heart to me again it would make her vulnerable again and that was hard to do. But we chipped away at it until it was gone. Start to finish R took about 3 years.
hand me the gun please,my turn Posted via Mobile Device
you'll have to pry it from my cold fingers Calvin. Sorry.
But ya know I saw on here where Beowolf(who is 20yrs post dday) had a trigger at the grocery store. So I think 3 years is probably a conservative estimate.
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Reconciling 
