Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Cosmos · 05-07-2012, 08:10 PM

No, you shouldn't be feeling this way, and he needs to put a stop to what is causing it before it does some serious damage to your marriage.

There's nothing wrong with your reaction to all this, but there's a lot wrong with the way your H is handling things with his flirty co-worker. The drinks after work and late night texting is totally inappropriate and distrespectful of you, and he needs to make it clear to her that she is a work colleague, nothing more, and he would prefer to keep their relationship on a more professional footing.

Gaia · 05-07-2012, 08:32 PM

Leah... your ALOT nicer then I would be in that situation.... I'd get the woman alone and give her a very good reason WHY she should NOT contact my husband EVER again....

Cosmos · 05-07-2012, 09:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Posse

This lady doesn't sound like she has all of her oars in the water. It sounds like she is really fixated on your husband.

Hopefully your husband is seeing the desperation of this other woman's behavior now and is starting to think, "Crap, what have I gotten myself into here?"

He needs to break all contact. If he doesn't want to do that, you need to draw a line in the sand and protect your marriage.

You both need to be prepared for this woman to get ugly. It might spill over on to you too.

I wouldn't be surprised if she accuses him of leading her on--because he has been....

Even with the most grounded of women, Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. This woman is not grounded.

I agree with the above, and I'm a little surprised (having now read all the replies here) that someone as crazy as she sounds has taken things so calmly... Unless the relationship has gone underground, Little Ms Predatory Pants could well be plotting some form of revenge. It isn't unknown for women like this, once thwarted, to turn the tables and cry harrassment themselves...

I hope I'm wrong on both counts, OP, and that your DH has learned a valuable lesson from all this.

galian84 · 05-08-2012, 07:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gettingstrongereveryday

I totally agree, men seem so oblivious sometimes to other women's childish behavior and or tricks, it really amazes me that my husband doesn't think that she is attracted to him at all - he says "she treats all the guys at work like this" if that is true then his company has a big problem.

Had to comment on this...agreed...my boyfriend really thought his coworker was just being friendly. I told him I'd dealt with plenty of girls like this (I'm a gamer, and some of the people you meet while playing...wow, lol), and there was a point in my life, when I was younger, when I was the same way (not proud of it). He, and my guy friends who interned there said the same thing...she flirts with all the guys that work there, and their male interns as well.

I told him that sometimes people see things that we can't and asked him to listen to me next time if I have a bad feeling about someone, as I rarely do, and *especially* if other people feel the same way (ie his sister in this case). I also made it known, that I would listen to him if he had a funny feeling about any guy that I associated with.

gettingstrongereveryday · 05-08-2012, 07:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leahcar1985

Yes, my husband brushed it off early on saying it wasn't what I thought since she had a family at home and she was just an overly friendly person. I'll be going into his work soon since our 1 year wedding anniversary is coming up next week. If I see her, I hope she feels threatened by me!

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Sounds like a plan, please keep me updated and let me know how it goes!

NextTimeAround · 05-08-2012, 07:58 AM

I think men know what's going on and like the drama. Hence, the whole naive act like "I just couldn't be rude" and so on. I have little patience for this.

Leahcar1985 · 05-08-2012, 08:41 AM

I know nothing has gone underground, but I'm not sure he would tell me if she got a little too friendly again. Maybe it's because he knows how I feel about the situation. I'm sure everything is just peachy with them at work now.

I wish he would just delete her on Facebook, it was fine when they were "best friends"

and there were no boundaries crossed, but now it's just a way for her to contact him during non-work hours if she wants too. I thought maybe he deleted her as a friend but I think she may have messaged him last night. I heard a Facebook message on his phone and he was in Facebook on his laptop. Once he heard it he closed Facebook down right away and didn't check his phone like he always does. I’m honestly sick of checking up on him, it was driving me crazy and I can’t allow her to get to me anymore, it’s very draining. She is just not worth it. Maybe I should go to HR anonymously, I'll have to read up on that. If only the roles were switched and he knew how this felt. I would not have been so nice to her, he is too worried about her feelings obviously.

I would love to say something to her if I ever met her, not sure exactly what it would be, but a little hint that I know what happened and will not tolerate it again. Ideally at a work get together when her husband is around as well.

iheartlife · 05-08-2012, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leahcar1985

I wish he would just delete her on Facebook, it was fine when they were "best friends"

and there were no boundaries crossed, but now it's just a way for her to contact him during non-work hours if she wants too. I thought maybe he deleted her as a friend but I think she may have messaged him last night. I heard a Facebook message on his phone and he was in Facebook on his laptop. Once he heard it he closed Facebook down right away and didn't check his phone like he always does. I’m honestly sick of checking up on him, it was driving me crazy and I can’t allow her to get to me anymore, it’s very draining.

If your husband has not deleted her from Facebook--where she 100% does not belong--and he is hiding the fact that she is contacting him via FB--your problem really isn't with her.

I have always been concerned about precisely where she stands, despite her crazy matching outfit stuff. Sorry I haven't recalled all the details in your thread--is he the one who called her his "best friend"? Or is that just something *she* said?

I was reading from His Needs / Her Needs last night. It was talking about how easy it is to fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. Tell them you care about them (not love, just care) and show them that you do. The end. Intimate affection is never to be shared with anyone other than your spouse and children.

Leahcar1985 · 05-08-2012, 09:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

If your husband has not deleted her from Facebook--where she 100% does not belong--and he is hiding the fact that she is contacting him via FB--your problem really isn't with her.

I have always been concerned about precisely where she stands, despite her crazy matching outfit stuff. Sorry I haven't recalled all the details in your thread--is he the one who called her his "best friend"? Or is that just something *she* said?

I was reading from His Needs / Her Needs last night. It was talking about how easy it is to fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. Tell them you care about them (not love, just care) and show them that you do. The end. Intimate affection is never to be shared with anyone other than your spouse and children.

Yes, he told me she was his "best friend" at work. But after I got upset about the situation and we talked about it, he said he didn't mean to say "best friend".

This is why right after they talked about keeping their relationship work appropriate, (well she didn't really say anything except I'm sorry and was really sad) I was leery that anything would change. How can you be "best friends” for 3 months and then stop all friend contact at work even? They obviously have a good relationship at work still, if she thinks she can contact him on Facebook again.

If a male co-worker was inappropriate with me and my husband found out and wanted me to end all contact with him except for work related things, deleting him as a Facebook friend would be the first thing I would do out of respect for my husband.

Cosmos · 05-08-2012, 10:05 AM

Unfortunately, you only have his word for what conversations are taking place between them face to face. He could be telling you the absolute truth, or they could be keeping up the same sort of banter - just not by text or email.

I truly hope this woman has backed off, but I do find it odd (given the history of things) that your H still has this woman as a friend on FB.

iheartlife · 05-08-2012, 10:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Leahcar1985

Yes, he told me she was his "best friend" at work. But after I got upset about the situation and we talked about it, he said he didn't mean to say "best friend".

This is why right after they talked about keeping their relationship work appropriate, (well she didn't really say anything except I'm sorry and was really sad) I was leery that anything would change. How can you be "best friends” for 3 months and then stop all friend contact at work even? They obviously have a good relationship at work still, if she thinks she can contact him on Facebook again.

If a male co-worker was inappropriate with me and my husband found out and wanted me to end all contact with him except for work related things, deleting him as a Facebook friend would be the first thing I would do out of respect for my husband.

Again, I'm sorry that I haven't kept track of all you've said before. Does he give you free access to his facebook page? You know that you can do a full download that shows all messages they've exchanged via facebook, right?

Leahcar1985 · 05-08-2012, 10:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

Again, I'm sorry that I haven't kept track of all you've said before. Does he give you free access to his facebook page? You know that you can do a full download that shows all messages they've exchanged via facebook, right?

I know I can look at their messages but told myself I would stop checking up on him when he talked to her. I would trust that he would let me know if she started being friendly with him again, it has caused too much anxiety for me, checking his emails and texts. He never said I could check his emails, facebook or texts, but he leaves his Facebook up alot so I have to believe he's not hiding anything there. I guess I could just check if she did try to contact him last night.
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DayDream · 05-08-2012, 10:24 AM

Well, I know for a fact my husband thinks as long as I don't know about it it's harmless. "to protect you and me as well" he just doesn't tell me about stuff like this. I used to think he would always be open and honest with me...I found out otherwise when he told me that.

vi_bride04 · 05-08-2012, 10:39 AM

It sounds like there is more going on with their relationship. You need to keep an eye on their interaction...

Do you know if they talk to each other on the phone often? Or is it just Facebook right now?

galian84 · 05-08-2012, 10:43 AM

Yeah I agree, keep an eye on what they are doing...a little suspicious that he still has her on Facebook :/ Are they still talking on the phone at all?