Entropy3000

Ok, so let me filip the genders here a second.

If this was a 37 year old man pursuing a 26 year old wife and doing all of these things, I as husband would have engaged this even sooner. No way would her going out to bars with this guy would be acceptable unless I was there. Her not shutting this guy down would be a huge red flag. The guy texting my wife to come out to a bar where he was at to be the DD would be the final straw.

I would insist she go NC with this guy AND I would talk to him face to face. It would have been up to her to handle this. But this getting this far out of hand would indicate she was not handling this well so I would step in. I would also inform the predators spouse that her hsuband better stay away or HR will be involved and that he would also have to deal with me personally.

I think there is a small window here where he can shut this down cleanly. Realize though she may be a bunny boiler.

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golfergirl

I agree with the gender. Switch scenario. My H would do the exact same thing.
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Leahcar1985

It helps hearing everyone's advice here, I have had so much anxiety over this because I thought I was being dumb and overreacting. I have never felt this way about anything in our marriage and knew it must mean something if I feel this way, even if he says they are just friends.

I don't understand why he hasn't said anything to her this past week when he said he would. Is he waiting to make sure he says the right thing so their work relationship doesn't crumble? They are both in management in the hospital, different depts. but do interact with each other. I don't want to bug him about it because he said after our second conversation about it that I was beating a dead horse... I think he started to realize she was being a little inappropriate, but maybe not as much as I think.

CandieGirl

I don't know, Mavash...I'm not excusing the OPs husband by any means, but this OW seems to be laying it on a little thick, too. She's after this guy!

CandieGirl

Find a way to tell this woman that you wiped your rear end with her stoooooopid napkin. C!

Leahcar1985

It did hurt a little when he said "best friend". I know he is leading her on, I mentioned that to him and that she feeds on his replies. He is giving her the attention she needs.

unbelievable

You only know part of this story. The problem with investigations is that you never know where the evidence is going to lead. Odds are very good your husband isn't a complete saint. If, at your prodding, he tosses crap into the fan and some flies back on himself, guess who he will blame? If he makes a decision that ends up terminating his employment, I'd prefer it to be his decision, alone.

Shaggy

Your husband is being very passive here and that is encouraging her.

My advice would be the following rules:

1. He can go out to bars and socializing with her when and only when you are along too.
2. He doesn't respond to her messages or texts after work or on the weekend
3. When he goes to work see if you can rub some of you perfume on him as you hug him goodbye. It's your marking your territory.
4. New rule for him : he tells you of any and all non work related contact with her.
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Mavash.

So what would YOU do if you were in that situation? What would you do if some married man was after you?

CandieGirl

I'd point out that I wasn't available obviously. And if he persisted, I'd tell my husband and let HIM take care of the guy...whichever way he chooses.

Anyways, this case sounds as though it's already reached EA status. He was going home talking about her all the time to his wife? One of the first red flags.

EleGirl

Your husband is a manager. He's setting himself up for a sexual harrassment law suit. He is definately encouraging her and it will back fire.

You need to get copies of as many of the emails and face book messages as you can. He might need these as defense for his job down the line.

After getting copies of as many of them as possible, go talk to her husband. Give him copies of the emails of her chasing your husband. Ask him to help break up the EA.

Then you need to put heavy pressure on your husband to end this. He needs to find another job ASAP. He needs to get away from her.

The boundary you need to esptablish is that either he stops all interaction with her except business, works to recover your marriage or your marriage is over. It's really that serious.

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Coffee Amore

This woman is coming on strong. Either she's very clueless about how inappropriate her actions are or, more likely, she's got some attachment to your husband. I suspect it's the latter. Your husband isn't shutting her down so she knows he enjoys her attention and admiration. This is a slow-motion train wreck waiting to happen. I like Shaggy's post above about boundaries. Your husband shouldn't be seeing this woman outside of work. He shouldn't be at bars or restaurants with her. He shouldn't text for anything other than work related reasons. They don't need to be Facebook friends. He should limit interactions to work and leave her at work where she belongs.

Read the book Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. You'll see how workplace affairs start. They often start as friendships that morph into something more with off-site texting, personal phone calls to each other, Facebook interactions, etc.

Any friend your spouse has should be a friend to the marriage meaning they shouldn't try to put a wedge between the married couple. This woman isn't a friend to your marriage.

You're not being insecure. It's ok to be jealous and concerned. There are inappropriate interactions here. Anyone with two good eyes can see that. I think you're being naive and way too accommodating to your husband regarding this matter. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but if some (older) woman came on that strong to my (younger) husband (texting him constantly, asking him to come pick her up at a bar, flattering him, all sorts of inside jokes, etc.) the gloves would come off. I wouldn't go to HR (honestly HR exists for management not the employees...my impression of HR at my work place), but I would have a very clear conversation with my husband about his boundaries, and if that wasn't enough, I would talk to the other spouse. Are you planning to grit your teeth and just seethe inside? What are YOU planning to DO?

As an aside, are you to having problems in other areas of your marriage? How do you feel your marriage is otherwise?

eowyn

I don't know the definition of an EA, but after reading the napkin and other stories thus far, I would like to ask the forum experts, it this not an EA already? I especially find the following references problematic where she says (1) "she will get hurt if he doesn't keep the napkin" and he responds back saying "he wld never do such a heinous thing and pins it as if its a trophy" .. (2) also from the initial post "..if she could wear one of her favorite shirts of his that he wears to work". why comment on each others clothes to this extent that they know what the favorites are and then bring it up in subsequent conversations?

Also as most mention it is certain that the other woman is after OP's husband and he keeps encouraging it. However I feel this is more than just encouraging. Is this not active participation? We have bits and pieces of the entire communication, and it is difficult to say who is the bigger culprit.

Also looks like OP and H got a new house which is 1min away from where OW stays. I am wondering ..does OW has anything to do with the location of the new house? Did she recommend this location to him? Does she foresee OP's husband help her with the grocery bags in a few yrs.

I am wondering if there is a way for OP to meet this woman, and possibly her husband? Maybe invite the entire family for lunch or meet them for lunch outside... (of course, casually without any drama). After all she is the husband's best friend It would not only give OP a chance to study her enemy but also to see what the deal is with the other woman's husband. We (and probably OP as well) has no information about this guy. It would be good to meet him if possible, so she can get in touch with him later in this context if required.

Also, as others mention checking husband's emails etc in this situation is not just acceptable, but probably required. I think OP is doing a good job with that!

Entropy3000

EAs can be very broad. But they involve an emotional bond, which means emotional needs are being met.
I see an EA as when the brian chemicals are impacting behaviors and decision making.

So yes, I think this is at least at the beginning of an EA. That said it does not mean that both parties are at the same level in the EA. It is also possible that one of them is more of a predator.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

that_girl

OW is a total bunny boiler.

Be careful!!

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