Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone
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Old 04-21-2012, 08:21 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Hi everyone,

I am new to this site and need some advice on how to deal with a new situation in our marriage. I looked around the site but couldn't find an exact situation like I am in, no infidelity yet. Sorry if it drags on.

I am 27 years old and have been with my husband for a little over 8 years and our first wedding anniversary is coming up next month in May. We have a great relationship, love each other dearly and have fun together.

My husband recently got a new job in January as a healthcare manager. After about a week on the job he would come home and mention a female coworker's name. He is 26 and she is 37, married with two kids. He would mention anything and everything from her telling him how good he looked that day, (which was almost everyday) to how funny she is, etc. This happened every night until after 2 months or so, I heard enough of her name and discussed my feelings with him. I told him I am glad he made some new friends at work but do not want to hear about her everyday and to keep the relationship at work. He said okay and didn't really mention her name much after that.

Last month I noticed he was talking to her on facebook through a private message, this was after work later in the evenings. I was home and sometimes on the same couch with him but didn't ask about it. He never mentioned talking to her, but rarely does with anyone he talks to, so I didn't think anything of it.

Then a few Fridays back he went out for a drink with his coworkers after work. He came home and I guess a few people went to another bar, including her. She text him asking him to come back out and he declined, I wasn't feeling well and we had just bought a house and he was supposed to be at the house working on it. We went to bed and she text him again. This time asking him to be her designated driver, come share stories but come only if he wants to. The texts went back and forth but he never went back out. Fast forward to the next Friday and she text him asking him to pick her up to go out to the bar. He declined again because we were working on our new house. I figured he was texting her this time because of his smirks.

After finding a few more texts and facebook messages, I confronted him. There was a little bantering but nothing sexual from him. (She did ask if she could wear one of her favorite shirts of his that he wears to work if her family came over to our new home because they would be "slumming" it in our neighorborhood, they live in a very prestigious part of town and although we live a minute away from them and also in a great neighborhood it's considered a different part of town.) He said although she was his best friend at work he understood how I felt and would try to keep the relationship at work. She was going on vacation the next week so I'm pretty sure there was no communication.

Now I find a ton of emails from her using company email that have nothing to do with work. She always asks him to bring her a snack or drinks, ask where he is, etc. He never initiates the emails but does respond and there have been hundreds. When he doesn't repsond she asks why. She is constantly chatting him up and I am afraid he will get in trouble because of all the non work related emails. I also think she is emtionally attached to him. I confronted him again this time about the emails specifically and he said he would have a conversation with her because he did already tell her the frequent emails were annoying when he was trying to get work done. It has been a week and he still has not said anything to her.

I have alot of issues with the situation and am driving myself crazy. I am always wondering how many times she emails or texts him during the day and find myself checking his phone when I can, which is hard because he always has it on him due to work. I feel like a hawk and hate that I feel this way. Should I be feeling this way or is this relationship inappropriate? Please help before I go nuts! Thanks!
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:02 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Personally, I feel like you are both nuts.

From his side... "Why the heck isn't he honoring the concerns of the woman he claims to love even if they are unfounded? Why isn't the concern itself enough to generate action? The whole clothes swapping thing is just plain over-the-top and needed to be shut down the moment it occurred."

From your side... "Given that you have zero evidence of him doing anything wrong, why are you spying on your husband? You need to take a chill pill and realize that work relationships are still relationships and they have a social aspect to them. Jealousy and insecurity are not good lodestones for steering a marriage."

I think that what you should "feel" is that you and your husband are not operating as a team. That, in and of itself, is a significant problem in my mind. I'd be wanting to address that and "get on the same page -- for real."
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

She's only doing what he encourages. It's his job, his co-worker, his responsibility. Nobody persists in a course of action unless they receive some sort of reward. Her contact will stop the day he quits responding to it.
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:16 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Just a thought but.......suggest to your husband that if he doesn't report her to HR, you will on that basis that

1. she is using company assets to engage in non company business
2. potential harassment (she could potentially accuse him of it when she gets tired of the arrangement.)
3. and in particular, if she is senior to him.

Anybody else with more experience in this area, what are the pros and cons of this suggestion?
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Old 04-21-2012, 09:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

This is your husband's responsibility. That said...

The next time your husband and his coworkers have a get-together, tag along. Insert yourself between him and her. Don't be hostile, be friendly and have fun. Make the fact that your husband has a wife that much more real to her. This won't phase all potential OW, but I'd imagine it'll deter some.

She's married. If all else fails, you can go nuclear and have a talk with her husband.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:04 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Thank you for the comments. When I first confronted him about it I felt like he was only saying he understood to pacify me. I do feel horrible for reading his emails, texts and facebook messages and know it’s not right, but I needed answers and he wasn't really giving me any other than he'll do better and deal with her. But when I found out he was still responding at work it made me upset and anxious. I really just want to make sure for my own sanity that even though nothing sexual is going on, that this relationship has gone too far. I even told him I don’t want him to confront her just because I think it’s wrong, (even though I want this dealt with ASAP so it doesn't lead into something more) he needs to realize that she has gone too far as well.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

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This is your husband's responsibility. That said...

The next time your husband and his coworkers have a get-together, tag along. Insert yourself between him and her. Don't be hostile, be friendly and have fun. Make the fact that your husband has a wife that much more real to her. This won't phase all potential OW, but I'd imagine it'll deter some.

She's married. If all else fails, you can go nuclear and have a talk with her husband.
I was actually thinking about doing this. But since I'm not sure when the next get together will be I thought I'd take him lunch on Monday and if we meet be friendly but make sure she knows we love each other. And of course, make sure I look unbelievable.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:27 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

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Originally Posted by dymo View Post
This is your husband's responsibility. That said...

The next time your husband and his coworkers have a get-together, tag along. Insert yourself between him and her. Don't be hostile, be friendly and have fun.
This should probably be underlined a few times. If you're a jerk to the other woman, she'll step up her game and really try to get with your husband just to spite you.

Trust me, I'm a guy. This is how we do things. Your boyfriend is a douche? That sucks! Come over to my place and I'll make dinner for you
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:40 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Your husband is being an idiot. He needs to shut this down completely. No facebook. No emails. No texts.
Tell him this is unaccpetable. He needs to be blunt with this woman. This is not about work but about a woman using work to puruse your husband. he is allowing this by not shutting this down. This is exactly what MEM was talking about in his thread, about a psouse not shutting down a predator. No doubt your husband ia enjoying this too much.

In no way should you take a chill pill. A good spouse does exactly as you are doing, and in fact you have been way too easy on this already.

Transparency. You just proved how important it is to stop this cr@p before it goes too far.

Ultimately if the shinnigans continue and they continue into an EA you hve every right to notify his HR department. I am not suggetsing it is there yet. I am just helping you with setting some boundariea and actions you can take if this gets further out of hand. This is a somewhat nuclear option but all options should be considered if the marriage is the #1 priority.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:40 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

I discovered recently that my husband has been friendly with a coworker. They have 'clicked' together and have been meeting for coffee in the canteen, talking about things.
She is 15 years younger than him, married with no kids.
When I confronted him( after DD cought him talking to her on Skype), he said they were friends and nothing else has happened. I gave him an ultimatum, he had to sever all contacts with her, give me all paswords or I will throw him out and ask for divorce. Although this might seem too strong, I had no proof that what he was telling me was the true, what if the EA has progressed to an affair? I had to play hard, nip this in the bud.
He did that as he knew the consequences if he did not act. He also knows that I am watching him, that I have zero trust in him and that if I find out that he is seeing her( and he knows I can, from his colleagues), there is no way back.I will confront her and also go and see her husband.

So, you need to lay the boundaries down, tell him how much this is bothering you and that he needs to stop any contact with her. Then, if you find evidence to the contrary, report her at work and inform her husband.
One thing to bear in mind is that she is not to blame entirely, your husband is guilty too for encouraging it..
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

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Originally Posted by NextTimeAround View Post
Just a thought but.......suggest to your husband that if he doesn't report her to HR, you will on that basis that

1. she is using company assets to engage in non company business
2. potential harassment (she could potentially accuse him of it when she gets tired of the arrangement.)
3. and in particular, if she is senior to him.

Anybody else with more experience in this area, what are the pros and cons of this suggestion?
He does not need to report her. He needs to shut her down. He is encouraging her.

But yes he could go to HR.

If the woman persists, even with him shutting her down then he needs to go to HR. IF he refuses then his wife should report this to his HR. No joke.

I am very confident he can shut this down without any of this added drama.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Husband's married coworker won't leave him alone

Tell her husband to control his wife and stop asking your husband out.

You will get better results if both you and the OWH start keeping a closer eye on things.

Whats wrong with having another set of eyes on things?

It may be just as simple as informing the OWH that his wife is not behaving as though he was always around or even her inappropreaite behavior could lead to HR issues.

So do your research find this guy and ask him for help in supporting a marriage.

Make no misstake, boundries are being crossed with late night calls/texting.
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Old 04-21-2012, 10:56 AM   #13 (permalink)
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He does not need to report her. He needs to shut her down. He is encouraging her.

But yes he could go to HR.

If the woman persists, even with him shutting her down then he needs to go to HR. IF he refuses then his wife should report this to his HR. No joke.

I am very confident he can shut this down without any of this added drama.
That is, if he wants to.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:05 AM   #14 (permalink)
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That is, if he wants to.
Had he dealt with this from the get-go, it wouldn't have gone this far. No one likes to be rejected and it could have been as simple as a 'no thanks'. That said, I'd say maybe she does like rejection. Pretty brazen of her to ask him to DD her. To get up and ditch family to DD her.
I'd be firm with hubby. His choice how to stop it, but you're not waiting around to find out how. It's your boundary and he chooses to respect it or it will be time to either walk or blow it all out of the water. Women like her make me sick.
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Old 04-21-2012, 11:11 AM   #15 (permalink)
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That is, if he wants to.
I donlt think he does or he would have already. That is why I bring up more serious options that should never be needed.

She needs to read him the riot act. She does not need to be patient about it either. The longer this goes on the longer this goes on and then the serious cr@p hits the fan.
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