General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
firstly thank you for reading.i work for my husband(on his request). he has his own transport company, i do the bookkeeping/admin etc, for a small salary since the prior agreement was that i can pick either a bigger salary(market related to my joband qualification) but that i then would have to share some financial responsibility in the house, or a smaller salary but the money would be mine, and all of the financial responsibility of the house and my personal care, would be covered by him. this was his preferred option and we agreed.our home has been in need of appliances and furniture, also building an extra room or two since our family is growing. i have been asking for 2 years for some sofas in the living room- i mean they really are in very bad shape- his response was that he needed the money for his business. i understood and had no problem with waiting. after 2 years- his brother is building a home, and he just gives him a big sum of money and i still can't replace the sofa's he doesn't have the money?? Posted via Mobile Device
i know its his money and that he can help his brother out when he wants to. i'm just so hurt right now because every renevation or something i buy or want to fix..i always have to hear about the money or no not now. even if i put my own money into it which i shouldn't have to because of our agreement he still complains- the things i want to fix or replace are not unnessesary i mean they really need to be fixed or replaced. i just feel so hurt that he would help them build their home while for 2 years he has not wanted to do anything to fix ours up. am i wrong or selfish????? Posted via Mobile Device
Who am I tell tell someone else what is right and wrong? What I can tell you is that I'd value putting a roof over my brother's head over getting updated decor in my own living room if my brother were in need. But that's just me.
thank you for the response. i would completely understand if that was the situation, but they do have a very nice home, and there are houses within 2 km of his working area up for rent. it is more a matter of them wanting to build their dream house the way they want. i guess that is why i am feeling so hurt. also both sets of parents are contributing to the building of their home. Posted via Mobile Device
If there was no need here and it was just a set of "brother wants" vs. "wife wants" then I agree with you. All things being more or less equal, immediate family comes first. Have you tried asking him in an open, genuine, non-confrontational way why he felt it was more important to help buy his brother a fancy home rather than buy you what you want?
In my mind, the problem here is that you and your husband do not, apparently, have a functioning conflict resolution strategy. Couches come and couches go. Disagreements, on the other hand, are a constant factor in any relationship. Over time, failure to have a working method of resolution will end in divorce. That's what I'd be focusing on.
Just a thought...you want to redecorate, is it possible your husband is looking at it as something you should spend your money on since you are the one pushing for it? Maybe he's looking at it as the couches are ok, so if you want to change them its up to you to pay for it. ??
thank you. can you advice me on a better way to handle these conflicts? it's not just about the sofa's for me either its about the fact that every time i need some help around the house/ need to talk to him/ need his affection etc he almost always says he has no time however if anybody(espescially family members) ask him for a favor/ to fix something/ for money/ for advice he does it IMMEDIATELY. it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him :-(. and i don't nag or anythig i really do wait for the right time to speak to him and ask him nicely. if he replies he is too busy i let it go and love him anyway. i don't know how to approach him. i am not a materialistic person, he told me the house looks like a mess i should do something about it he hates the sofa's because they are broken and i put cloths on them to look better, says he doen't like to be at home, but how must i fix it if he keeps saying no?? I'm really miserable. I don't care about big house etc i just want to fix it up so my husband enjoys being home Posted via Mobile Device
Separate finances among a married couple sounds fishy to me. What are you saving your money for? Instead of nagging him about buying new sofas, I simply would have used that money to buy some on my own and possibly do some other redecorating.
I don't agree with this, but I sometimes believe that even loved ones will sit on a request and wait for you to do something about it. The more you act dependent on them, the more you lower your prestige in their eyes.
Regarding giving his brother money, yeah, I would be interested in this. How much? Is brother a nice guy to the both of you? Is he generally responsible and so on.
thank you. can you advice me on a better way to handle these conflicts?
I can try... this is a thorny issue and I have nowhwere near enough information to make good guesses. But here's a model that may help...
You: Honey, you've been complaining about the furniture in the living room for a while, does it still bother you?
Him: Yes, I hate it.
You: Me too. Do you think we should try to repair it somehow or should we replace it?
Him: <eyes ratty couches dubiously> Do you think they can be repaired?
You: I'm guessing probably not... but I can look into it if you'd like.
Him: It's probably not worth it, we should get new ones.
You: Yeah, I thought so too but I wanted your opinion too. When do you think we should do this? And would you like to go do the initial shopping or should I go find some "good picks" then let you review?
Him: I'm not quite sure when we can afford to buy them.
You: Hmmm, can we make a budget then? We could save up some amount each week then purchase them when we have enough. I've got a coffee can perfect for the job LOL.
In other words, operate from a team based view all the time and drive for specifics rather than vague generalities.
If he is unable to honor specific, concrete, date driven promises to you then you have an entirely separate problem. Then you're married to a man with no honor.
i don't have any savings since i have sacrificed the past 6 months salary because his business needed the money. yes i worked full time for the past 6 months without any payment, but the agreement we have is how it usually works. i usually use the money for the school fees of my son and any extra decorative items or appliances in the house that my husband doesn't see as neccesary. i also use the money to become more independent and buy software printers etc for my own small business that i am hoping to start up im jan2013. it was $160 000 that he gave his brother. yes he is generally nice but i don't understand why he can't help me fix up our own home???? Posted via Mobile Device
I can try... this is a thorny issue and I have nowhwere near enough information to make good guesses. But here's a model that may help...
You: Honey, you've been complaining about the furniture in the living room for a while, does it still bother you?
Him: Yes, I hate it.
You: Me too. Do you think we should try to repair it somehow or should we replace it?
Him: <eyes ratty couches dubiously> Do you think they can be repaired?
You: I'm guessing probably not... but I can look into it if you'd like.
Him: It's probably not worth it, we should get new ones.
You: Yeah, I thought so too but I wanted your opinion too. When do you think we should do this? And would you like to go do the initial shopping or should I go find some "good picks" then let you review?
Him: I'm not quite sure when we can afford to buy them.
You: Hmmm, can we make a budget then? We could save up some amount each week then purchase them when we have enough. I've got a coffee can perfect for the job LOL.
In other words, operate from a team based view all the time and drive for specifics rather than vague generalities.
If he is unable to honor specific, concrete, date driven promises to you then you have an entirely separate problem. Then you're married to a man with no honor.
This is good...Also to consider, most furniture stores where I live give you credit, interest free for at least a year, sometimes several years as long as you pay off the balance within the specified time. They really offer these good deals on holiday weekends like Memorial Day or the 4th of July.
I can try... this is a thorny issue and I have nowhwere near enough information to make good guesses. But here's a model that may help...
You: Honey, you've been complaining about the furniture in the living room for a while, does it still bother you?
Him: Yes, I hate it.
You: Me too. Do you think we should try to repair it somehow or should we replace it?
Him: <eyes ratty couches dubiously> Do you think they can be repaired?
You: I'm guessing probably not... but I can look into it if you'd like.
Him: It's probably not worth it, we should get new ones.
You: Yeah, I thought so too but I wanted your opinion too. When do you think we should do this? And would you like to go do the initial shopping or should I go find some "good picks" then let you review?
Him: I'm not quite sure when we can afford to buy them.
You: Hmmm, can we make a budget then? We could save up some amount each week then purchase them when we have enough. I've got a coffee can perfect for the job LOL.
In other words, operate from a team based view all the time and drive for specifics rather than vague generalities.
If he is unable to honor specific, concrete, date driven promises to you then you have an entirely separate problem. Then you're married to a man with no honor.
The OP has been complaining about the sofas...not the husband. Please learn to read before you dole advice, Jeff/BC.
But then trying to frame issues as if the other person wants it more than you do is a strategy, I understand.
The OP has been complaining about the sofas...not the husband. Please learn to read before you dole advice, Jeff/BC.
I refer you to her post...
he told me the house looks like a mess i should do something about it he hates the sofa's because they are broken.
In general, a key part of conflict resolution is to find the points of agreement then build upon them. Apparently, he and she both agree that the sofas need replacing. I urged her to work from that common ground.
What, exactly, do you think I'm missing? Actually, I don't care what you think. I'm more curious whether SHE thinks I got it wrong. She is, after all, the one in the relationship.
I believe where you put your treasures is where your heart is. The bottom line is your husband is just not that into you and for reasons I don't know he cares more about his brother.
You can ask for what you want until the cows come home and his answer is going to be the same. No. What you need to do is dig deep to figure out this dynamic. How did you end up the doormat and him the user? Has it always been this way or did it change? What was your childhood like? Did you get what you needed growing up or were you taught that your needs don't matter? Whether we like it or not we do to gravitate towards the familiar. You have to fix that before anything else will get fixed.
This has nothing to with sofas. This is a symptom of another probably bigger problem.
i don't have any savings since i have sacrificed the past 6 months salary because his business needed the money. yes i worked full time for the past 6 months without any payment, but the agreement we have is how it usually works.
Then it was your money and not his money that he gave to his brother. Your husband cheated you out of your pay under false pretense. If he really needed your money for his business, he would have not had the money for his brother. Call him on this and demand your back pay now. If he says that he does not have it, tell him to get your money back from his bother.
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is it just me? 
