s_b

hi,
we have been married for more than 10 years, but marriage does not work and none of us is enjoying living together. we stay together only to raise the kids.
Is it worth staying together till kids are ~20?

CandieGirl

WTF? Why would you do that? Is that what you want your kids to grow up seeing?

PBear

I refused to do that. The resentments and frustrations kept bubbling up. And as already mentioned, you're the one responsible for teaching your kids what a proper marriage is. Is what you have now what you would encourage your kids to pursue?

C
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SlowlyGettingWiser

If you and your husband are not interested in being married, then get divorced. By staying together until the kids are grown, what are you REALLY teaching them..."you made your bed, now lie in it"?

You are modelling for them how to be men and women in this society. How to be married men and women. If the best example of 'marriage' for them to emulate is one filled with martyrdom (we stayed together for YOU, kids), resentment, boredom, disinterest, no love, no affection....then THAT is what THEY are going to come to believe marriage is. THAT is what they will expect and accept in their own marriages! Is THAT what you REALLY want to TEACH them?

Fix this marriage, or end it.

By ending it, you may open the door for one or the other of you parents to find a happy, successful marriage that the kids can look up to and LEARN from.

Prodigal

NO.

My parents waited until I was 21 to divorce. I wish they had done me a huge favor much earlier and been done with that crap they called a marriage.

The damage their "marriage" had on me had a long-lasting effect. It took a whole lot of therapy over many years for me to recover from their "marriage."

'Nuff said.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

the guy

Stay together so you can give your kids a good example of a unhealthy marriage, that way the cycle can continue and they too can have an unhealthy marriage. If they do have unhealthy marriages then you would have taught them well.

s_b

THANK YOU, everyone , for your replies!!! I have to be honest, i expected at least a discussion of pros and cons. Strict NO came as a shock to me. You gave me a lot to think about.

the guy

Any time

Prodigal

Well, s b, I sound like a broken record by now, but this is my "swan song," so to speak. Each one of us has this one, short, precious life to live. We can live it mired in sh!t, or we can boldly step out of our comfort zones.

When I took the big step off the cliff, I went waaayyyyy out of my comfort zone. I have had some unexpected twists and turns along the way, but it sure cured my fear of worrying about tomorrow and trying to control outcomes.

Yes, I come across as blunt many times. But I've lived a whole lotta life. And I learned that the only thing I own in this entire world, is MY OWN LIFE. Sure, I have some material stuff. But it doesn't make me who I am.

You are unhappy. You feel unfulfilled. I can guaran-damn-tee you that you don't need a man to have a sense of accomplishment and/or fulfillment. On the other hand, if it's a man you want/need, then go for it. But whatever you choose to do, it will not come without discomfort and pain. I found every single bit of what I went through worth what I gained.

__________________
I refuse to make anyone a priority in my life who considers me nothing more than an option.

You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.

s_b

Prodigal,

Thank you for your emotional reply. I felt like i needed to hear that a long time ago.
If you do not mind telling, what did you go thru?
Are you still keeping in touch with your ex? Did you have kids?

southbound

From someone who has been there, if you can't make the marriage work, then I suppose that is it. Just make sure it can't. Just make sure your marriage isn't just going through a phase and then a few years after you divorce, you wish you hadn't.

You have to consider what lies after divorce as well. Just because you think you are not happy in the marriage doesn't mean you will automatically be happy after the divorce. My x wife divorced me so she could be "happy," but now she seems more miserable than ever.

SimplyAmorous

What are your problems specifically- the differences that divide you both ?

I would only consider staying in a miserable marraige if I felt my spouse was willing to work on the issues that were dividing us... and give it his BEST... with me going above & beyond to give my best. An openness would have to emerge, a willingness to communicate deeply. No passive aggressiveness allowed, or blame shifting.

He would have to agree to go down the difficult (possibly grueling) path of us uprooting every single problem we ever faced, talking it out.. IF this couldn't be handled on our own ...making an appointment to see a Marraige counselor to get these things out in the open ... and communicatively delt with.

Once this has been done.... if we still couldn't come to an understanding that is allowing for a renewed Love and peace about our marraige, a bringing us closer together, resentments shed, forgiveness given, satisfying each others love languages... no way in the world would I stay... I wouldn't be able to handle it. ANd I would be no good to my children.

I have a book entitled.."If Mama ain't happy, ain't Nobody happy". I would have to say ..this is very true .

__________________
"Love Good Blog"

Thor

No! BTDT. Kids get over divorce better when younger, especially compared to their mid to late teen years. They say the worst years for kids to have their parents divorce is the last year of high school, the first year of college, and the last year of college. So you are looking at threading the needle on timing if you decide to wait until the kids are older.

For me, my daughters had issues at around 15 to 17 which necessitated me staying. There was a definite feeling of being trapped rather than choice. Also, my #1 goal, the Prime Directive, was to avoid divorce during these years. So that destroyed my ability to have any positive influence or to set boundaries within the marriage. Why? I couldn't challenge anything big (like parenting the teens!!!) because it could lead to divorce. I couldn't push very hard at all on little things because they could become big things, and those could become divorce. Yes, you will lose all power within the relationship. Your spouse will learn he/she can walk all over you with impunity, and then he/she will.

Divorce must be a daily option for both of you. Not that you threaten it willy nilly over every little thing. Just that you know in your heart that you can pull the plug if your boundaries are violated or your needs aren't being met. Your spouse should have the same philosophy. It keeps both of you on your toes and it keeps you communicating and negotiating.

Unhappy2011

This.

Parents need to realize the example they set will have a profound influence on how their kids perceive their own future relationships.

If anything I think divorce and then just honest discussions with the kids about what happened, what went wrong so they may avoid the same thing in their future.

Surviving and thriving is the best thing parents can do for their kids.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

NO WAY! EVER!

If I stayed in my first marriage for my daughter, she would of grown up thinking its normal for a man to abuse a woman.

I remarried a real man whom treats me with the up most respect. A much better role model then the first one.