Browneyedgurl020610

Married couples and serious couples can absolutely have friends of the opposite sex. Me and my husband both do. We both have trust for each other. I know in my heart he loves me and would never cheat on me. Same goes for me. I love him with all my heart and would never cheat or do anything that would jeopardize my marriage.

Entropy3000

I have opposite sex friends but I do not schedule time with them for one on one time. Does anyone see the difference here with this? Does having friends of the opposite sex mean you will be scheduling one on one time together?

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Browneyedgurl020610

We do both. Me and my hubby spend time with them together and sometimes we spend times with them apart. Granted I have more male friends then he does female friends, but that really is not a major factor. It is all about trust. If you don't trust your partner alone with someone, then something very wrong.

Entropy3000

I believe marriage is about love and respect and that trust is a by product. When I was 24 I believed the same as you. Experience has taught me much. I was very naive and idealistic.

I would never trust my wife nor myself to date others.

But I do appreciate you actually coming out and saying this because it is really not about having opposite sex friends per se. It is about scheduling one on one time with others.

What boundaries have you guys agreed to around all of this? Are the boundaries based on complete trust and knowing that nothing inappropriate can occur?

I believe what usually happens is that friends start meeting needs and they slowly fall into an EA. They do not go into it intending to cheat. Their personal boundaries slide based on how they feel.

But you may also have some boundaries around this. What are they? Is it ok for you to go over to a friends place and hangout? Or are these lunch get togethers? What activities are ok and what are not? Just trying to get where you are coming from here.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

lovelygirl

Just because you can't trust yourself or wife, doesn't mean others can't.

Entropy3000

Others can and do all too often. It is common to see young folks have an ideal of total trust is what marriage is about. Not always young but very common.

There is no one on this planet I trust more than my wife. I trust her not to date other men.

So you feel that as long as a couple have complete trust in one another they should be ok with their spouses scheduling alone time with others.

That a spouse who does not have this total trust in their spouse and these other players is jealous, insecure and controlling?

Is this not dating other people? Someone please tell me what the difference is. Intent?

What boundaries do you feel are required? None? Just total trust in your spouse AND these other people to do what feels right?

So certainly if others wish to be ok with their spouses dating as part of their marriage then of course by definition it is ok. It would not be cheating if spouses agreed to this.

So no my wife and I have always had a hard boundary of no dating other people. That would absoltely be absurd for us.

So can we just put some boundaries here? Dating is ok as long as there is no sexual activities? I am assuming that cuddling is out. Holding hands is out. Hugs for longer that two minutes are out. Minimal kissing. No crying together. No sharing of marital issues. Just positive chatter about the spouses. Home by 2am on a weekend and midnight on a school night.
Drinking alcohol is ok. No dressing up too sexy. Just throwing a frisbie and exchanging recipes.

I guess this reminds me of a college life style more than a long term marriage. But folks are free to define thier marriage in any way they wish. It is really only a problem when the assumed views turn out to be different.

I remember someone telling me that being married does not mean you are off the market. I was insulted at first but came to realize what they meant. Not that people will purposely cheat but that there is no magical barrier around us when we are married. We have to enforce boundaries that are right for us.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Numb in Ohio

My H would go play golf with guys on a golf league... yet he would call his female "friends" on his way there or way home (that I didn't know about of course).

So can I say that if he wanted to go golf with female friends instead of guys and I knew about it, that I should be ok with it? Uh ,, no freakin way. My H can't walk past a woman without "checking her out",, so no wouldn't trust him alone with a woman for anything.

I thought I had full trust in him also, and now I feel like I have "FOOL" across my forehead.

2nd_t!me iz_best

arent you playing both sides here?

Browneyedgurl020610

I am not "dating" my friends....I don't understand you. They are my friends. Yes I am young and like to hang out, have dinner, play games ect. I have done this since I was in my teens. I am in a happy and loving marriage with my husband, but I also have friends that I have been friends with since high school. Same as him and I would never tell him who he can and can not be friends with UNLESS so called friend was being all flirty and what not. That is where I draw a line. I am sure some of my guy friends may find me attractive or what not, but they also know I am married and happy and would never do anything to jeopardize that. My husband trusts me completely and I trust him. I dont spend more time with my friends then I do my husband, but I do live with him, see him all the time and it is nice sometimes just to be with friends and it is also nice for me and him to hang with friends.

Entropy3000

Also, I have read your other threads about virginity, dancing and flirting. All great topics.

Take this as a compassionate comment. When you finally marry. Protect your marriage in the same manner you have protected yourself. That includes looking out for your husband as well as you.

Realize that people can fall in love. It starts as a friendship. Marriage is tough enough without inviting troubles. It is great to have friends but dating others? Really? Date your spouse. Have friends that are friends of the couple. Alone time with others? Dangerous in my opinion. Why risk what is the most important thing?

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Entropy3000

By dating I mean one on one time with guys. No one else. Private time at his place. Going to movies. Out to dinner and so on. Usually a scheduled time to meet and do some activity separate from others. I am clear that to you they are friend zoned. If a guy invests time in a woman at some level he is interested. Your hubby is no exception if he is a guy and he has any testosterone going on. That does not mean he intends to cheat. It means he could very well fall head over heels in love with someone he spends time with. The pressure really begins when there are stresses within the relationship. That is inevitable. The stress that is.

When I hear hanging out with friends it has the connotation of a group of folks. If my wife said I am going to go hangout Saturday evening with friends I do not imagine that as one on one private time with another man.

I am absolutely trying to nail down the gray areas here as to what is meant by hanging out and to what level of isolation this infers. It sounds like dating. I know I must be wrong.

The thing is that when there is isolation you may not pickup on what is going on until there is a big problem. You might.

I get that these are friends from high school. Have you ever dated any of these folks before you were married?

Instigation. Isolation. Escalation. The isolation is the key to go from instigation to escalation. This is the prime directive. Not saying all guys will pursue this but they will if they see the green light for sure.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

2nd_t!me iz_best

that depends on what they see as the most important. obviously some see the friendship as the most important.

Entropy3000

Yes, that has just really dawned on me.

I do see folks saying that their friends are too important. That they have seen each other through spouses and other issues. I get it.

This seems an important point worth noting!

I do feel like an @$$hole telling Virginia there is no Santa Claus. I do feel like a jerk pushing an agenda. It really is that I am trying to tell them the bridge they are hoping for up ahead has been washed away.

I would just hate to have them telling their hubby something like, "you know that @$$hole on TAM told me you would pull something like this!"

All one can hope for is that when some of these things start to happen they might go, "wait a minute, that jerk on TAM said something about this. I better cut this guy off before it goes too far."

Trying to be the "slippery when wet sign" I guess.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

VostroDH

Well, I think it depends on how much two people trust each other and the health of the relationship. My husband has always had women friends and I have male friends but generally speaking we didn't go out with them alone unless the other had given the ok. The husband was the one to fall prey to an EA and that was because our relationship started going downhill.

Entropy3000

Sometimes a chicken an egg thing. Does one fall into an EA because there was a problem or is there a problem because one falls into an EA? I suspect it is a spiraling thing. We see EAs in good marriages and bad. But for sure when a marriage has stress having opposite sex friends to save the day is a double edged sword. For sure they will be there. Ready to comfort.

ALL marriages go through stress. It is a normal cycle of dealing with what life throws at us.

Was his EA with someone from his work or one of those friends?

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."