lovelygirl

You and me have different definitions of the word "date"
When I say going out I meant - to have a drink as friends or to drink some coffee and just talk like friends do -- no matter if they are of the opposite sex.
I DIDN'T MEAN TO GO OVER TO THE APARTMENT OF YOUR SINGLE LADY FRIEND.
That would be very inappropriate to me and that's what I would call a DATE.

But just a single hang out or a coffee is not a date - as long as the intentions from both parties of the opposite sex are innocent and don't intent to go further than just being friends.


that's what I call a date but I wasn't talking about this.
What I quoted here has nothing to do with "just being friends".


When you go out for a coffee/drink with your opposite-sex-friend neither of you has to do that as single people.
It all depends on how you treat / see each other while you're meeting up. [Which has to do with the intentions I mentioned above]


This thread is about FRIENDS of the opposite sex and not dating while married.
Apparently, you see think that dating is equal to going out with a friend of the opposite sex - which IN MY OPINION is not always true.

These questions are fair enough.
Obviously, going over to his apartment would be considered as dating and I'm totally against it. BUT Going out for a coffee or something like that is not wrong in my opinion.
It doesn't mean the guy has to be single. He could be married, just like me.
As for what we'd be talking about, that really depends on the friendship and the "closeness" that we would have with each other. I guess there wouldn't be much to talk about and as a result the time spent with him alone at the bar wouldn't last more than 30 minutes.
I'm not saying I'd meet him every day but once in a while would be okay.
If I'm his very good friend then he could talk to me about the single women he's dating and ask my opinion as a girl. I'm sure this topic would be very interesting to me and him. So yes, I could be THAT awesome that he wants my opinion as a woman about those ladies.

Entropy3000

But you see that this thread has run the gamut.

Some folks are talking about spending isolated alone time like in someones apartment.

You are talking about coffee in a public place.

Others are in a kinda open relationship.

This is a very wide range to which "can spouses have oppoisite sex friends" the answer for all is yes. Yet they are talking about completely different things. I say spouses can have opposite sex friends. I think it is unwise for them to be close friends. It is about where the boundaries are.

I suggest that for you and you only, not others on this thread, that it is very possible that when you get married you will probably not have the time or inclination to go have coffee with some single guy.
That said, your hubby may not be comfortable with even this level. Then again this may be fine.

I suggest when you do decide to marry that you guys do His Needs Her Needs together and define these things. Because you both may be thrilled that having opposite sex friends is fine in your relationship. But perhaps what that means to each of you may be quite different. It is also very common for folks to want to have complete trust and all of that. Very idealistic and noble in the beginning of a marriage. Then as things go along one or the other realize that they are no so happy with what was agreed to. The couple then has to go back in and re-evaluate the boundaries.

Also how much FB and texting time will you be investing in these other men? Do you have a boundary around that? Usually this area is not very gray. In that the quantity of the exchanges become obvious. Sometimes it is the content that matters most but not always.

BTW. We have affairs with FRIENDS. OM / OW are usually friends. My wife is my best female friend. I am discounting those cheaters who go onto adult sites to hookup. They are not the people I am talking about. When we are dating we are dating friends. When we go out with someone they are a friend. There are also friends with benefits. And so on. The person who is going to challenge your husband for your attentions will be a friend of yours or a friend of his. Co-workers become friends.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

RClawson

Thanks for the insight into your soul. I have more than a handful of female friends. They are women that I have met in the workplace. Over the space of twenty - five years I still have open communication with them, go to lunch every once and awhile and network with them frequently. I love and respect these women and their families. Some of them are quite attractive but guess what? I never wanted to get into their pants.

My wife has never questioned it and if something crossed the lines I have no doubt she would let me know asap. If one of them came to me and said their husband was uncomfortable with us communicating then that would be the end of our interaction. After a couple of decades I am not expecting that to happen.

lovelygirl

You're totally right Entropy. I get your point perfectly well.
That's why I said I could meet my guy-friend once in a while (rarely) and he could meet his just as much because obviously in marriage [and in every other relationship] there's no time for everyone and you can't please everyone.
If your relationship/marriage is more important to you then other friends come in second/third place.

Obviously, setting up boundaries for each other is very healthy for the relationship. If my husband wouldn't be okay with me meeting up with my guy-friend and if he HAS STRONG REASONS about why I should not meet up with this guy then I wouldn't meet him alone/at all.

Traggy

Wow, there are some pretty naive people here.

I know this has been said before and I just want to re-iterate this. 99% of the time the guy does not look at the relationship as platonic. Women can compartmentalize this stuff, guys want to breed. It is in our DNA.

You know what really bothers me? The word trust being thrown out here, like it is OK to hang out with the opposite sex because we trust one another. Yeah, in the early stages of marriage, when we are all very naive to these things and still very much in love without a lot of work, these things tend to work themselves out.

But when things get ruff, the snake in the grass will pounce. The one waiting in the weeds being "just a friend" will make his move.

Come on people. Your spouse comes first and I swear to you, by telling him or her that "you don't trust me," when they get jealous with you hanging out with an opposite sex person, is a form of passive aggression mixed with some good old control.

It is called cake eating at its finest to me. Friends of the opposite sex do not work in marriages, when our DNA is telling us to BREED BREED BREED, every day and night.

To each their own, I am sure we will see you down below in the divorce thread soon enough.

Oh, my wife and her "just friends", whom has been around from the get go, are moving in together now.

cndmarriage

Having been in this very situation multiple times...I can honestly say......it depends on the person and whether they want to keep the friend at arms length or have it grow to more. My husband has had many friends that were girls. One of them who I absolutely trusted even went out one night with him alone after I was unable to go. However, this is not to be taken lightly. My husband also recently had a friend who was also married and it has turned into a huge mess. I had a problem with their relationship from the start and I was the one that was told it was ok because they were both married. He decided not to keep this one at arms length and I knew it. Yes, she would come over when we were both home but it didn't matter it was very obvious what was happening. My personal belief is yes, but both parties have to know ahead of time that you will keep them at arms length. Some people just aren't able to do that, or don't want to. There is a fine line and only you and your spouse can draw it. I believe that no one can tell the other person that they can't have a certain friend, all you can do is say that you are not comfortable with it and it is their choice on whether they respect you enough to respect your feelings. Always be open and honest without accusing and tell the other person how it makes you feel instead of saying "you" which puts anyone on the defensive.

I have guy friends but I don't spend alone time with them, I tell them up front I am a dedicated wife and I don't talk to them a ton.

Homemaker_Numero_Uno

As a woman, I manage my male friendships always keeping in mind that yep they would like to take my pants off, it's no secret. Why would you want to be friends with someone who finds you unattractive? lol. Getting married doesn't change the way I would manage friendships, I would suppose that whether there is a ring on my finger or not my male friends would still like me to take my pants off for them. So, whatever. I think it's an issue if someone is naive enough to think that their male friends don't want to take their pants off, and mismanage boundaries...what I do is I am not friends with someone if we have nothing in common to talk about or do, that is not sex-based. So to have a kayaking friend or a friend who shares an interest in art, or in dance, or in movies, or someone who also programs in SQL or is starting their own business, or the kids are best friends and we sometimes go skiing or bicycling together...the thing is to have something of interest to distract from the pants coming off. Then you would continue to do that in a marriage or a relationship, and also use discretion in the setting, for instance if you are going to the movies together, meet at the movies, part ways at the movies.

NextTimeAround

Do your male friends defer to your husband? Do they make it clear that they are inviting you out as a couple. Do your male friends only call/ text/ e-mail you on your own account or a shared account?

Bottled Up

This topic can be debated til' the end of time because the fact is there's no right or wrong answer to the question. The answers vary depending on what works for the individuals in each relationship. Some people are more protective about their territory and some are more carefree and/or trusting... we all have different methods that work for us.

Some of the more trusting people can unfortunately get back-stabbed and that's an unfortunate end result of giving their gift of trust, but it's their risk to take in the first place. Others are minimal-risk takers and thus have more comfort in securing their world with tighter boundaries.

I myself am in an odd scenario where my wife is kind of introverted whereas I'm more of a social out-goer, so I have the advantage of my wife having only a few close girlfriends and no male friends whatsoever. Whereas for me I have always had a lot of female friends and co-workers who are females that I have hung out with in crowds before. But I never do one-on-one time with a female out of respect for my wife, despite her trust in me. She's never questioned me with another female and I've never abused her trust. It makes me feel good she trusts me, but I must say that since finding TAM and now understanding how easily and dangerously an EA can form sometimes right under one's nose, I am DEFINITELY more conscious of scenarios and environments around me and make darn sure I never place myself in a situation that would make my wife uncomfortable.

Let's just say I'm more "Awake" now. Thanks TAM!

__________________
"Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by Imagination" -Voltaire

scione

My wife had a friend of opposite sex, and then she cheated on me with him.

Entropy3000

I try to avoid the following but sometimes it happens when we travel.

I may for example have drinks with a female colleague at the airport while we wait for other colleagues. What I avoid is leaving with them, going back to the hotel and drinking in the lobbey bar just the two of us. Appearances matter here.

So typically if we are at the lobbey bar we try not to leave a man and a woman staying alone. Obviously they can if they choose. We try to make it a group of folks and limit the one on one in private.

Yes, keys get offered or the more subtle come up to the room for a drink.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

Entropy3000

His strong reasons may be that he is uncomortble with it. He may even say he finds it unacceptable. You are unlikely to get into specific reasons other than these. Some folks use the Policy Of Joint Agreement. Meaning then the other spouse has effectively veto power. Otherwise you get into a negotiation. Then you get into the ... trust me thing. Then he says I trust you but I do not trust the guy. Good times.

Now I will say that I have never had to have this negotiation with my wife. FWIW. She has had to have this with me. It comes down to integrity. At some point your boundaries are your boundaries.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."

lovelygirl

He HAS TO explain why he finds it unacceptable or why he's not comfortable with it.
Sometimes partners have requests as "important" as whims or caprices which in my opinion should be ignored.

lovelygirl

haha. yeah. Typical!

Entropy3000

I think a very good point here is that this may indeed tend to work early due to the in love dopamine we have with our spouse. It is strong and fresh. We want to keep that but invariably there are times that life intervenes and we are more vulnerable.

Excellent point.

__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."