General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Traggy
Wow, there are some pretty naive people here.
I know this has been said before and I just want to re-iterate this. 99% of the time the guy does not look at the relationship as platonic. Women can compartmentalize this stuff, guys want to breed. It is in our DNA.
You know what really bothers me? The word trust being thrown out here, like it is OK to hang out with the opposite sex because we trust one another. Yeah, in the early stages of marriage, when we are all very naive to these things and still very much in love without a lot of work, these things tend to work themselves out.
But when things get ruff, the snake in the grass will pounce. The one waiting in the weeds being "just a friend" will make his move.
Come on people. Your spouse comes first and I swear to you, by telling him or her that "you don't trust me," when they get jealous with you hanging out with an opposite sex person, is a form of passive aggression mixed with some good old control.
It is called cake eating at its finest to me. Friends of the opposite sex do not work in marriages, when our DNA is telling us to BREED BREED BREED, every day and night.
To each their own, I am sure we will see you down below in the divorce thread soon enough.
Oh, my wife and her "just friends", whom has been around from the get go, are moving in together now.
And women value attention.
Even if a woman is not interested in "stealing" my partner lock stock and barrel, I also don't like that "low level" kind of distraction.
I don't want to find out that some woman is bragging that her male friend "treats her better than he treats his wife."
Or that he feels some kind of obligation to her whether that takes up his time, his finances, his social favors because they "are just friends" of some sort.....
LovelyGirl, have you ever wondered how sincere, pure, innocent your quest to have friends with men is? Do you have female friends at all? How's that going for you?
And when you are friends with men who have partners, how do you treat their partners?
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
He HAS TO explain why he finds it unacceptable or why he's not comfortable with it.
Sometimes partners have requests as "important" as whims or caprices which in my opinion should be ignored.
Good luck with that. Why can't you just trust him? Trust them to help you protect the marriage. Err on the side of caution as opposed to risk.
You are not supposed to be at odds with your spouse. You should not ignore your spouse. They are supposed to be your number one concern. You are talking about a relationship you have with another man. Spouses have the right to feel the way they feel. If the marriage is the #1 priority then there is no issue.
Now you say this and yet you are not married and yet to have sex ... right? So you are not speaking from being in a realtionship and having a spouse. You just know that they will not control you and they have to have a reason for feeling certain way. Not that they would have any right to object?
It is one thing when a couple agrees to boundaries. It is another when they disagree. Something like this is so fundamental that doing HNHN before marriage is a good thing. If you cannot agree on this topic then I think getting married is a mistake.
So you are speaking from experience here or just in observing other married people?
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-24-2012 at 01:57 PM.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
He HAS TO explain why he finds it unacceptable or why he's not comfortable with it.
Sometimes partners have requests as "important" as whims or caprices which in my opinion should be ignored.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-27-2012 at 08:46 AM.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
He HAS TO explain why he finds it unacceptable or why he's not comfortable with it.
Sometimes partners have requests as "important" as whims or caprices which in my opinion should be ignored.
If you are not commited to your partner then do not get married. If my wife feels strongly about something I listen to her. I thought she was wrong when I was in my EA. I listened to her however because I loved her and trusted her. She is my wife. The last person I wish to hurt is my wife. I did however do just that, but thankfully I was not so far gone and listened to her about it. I was foolish and ended up hurting her. Don't be foolish and hurt your husband over this stuff. After going through withdrawal I saw she was right. Sometimes we need to listen to our spouse. We get cranialrectumitis otherwise. Spouses can see danger where we do not. Choose as best you can a spouse who is not a jerk. If you do no trust your spouse to not be cruel to you how can you trust them with opposite sex friends? Or better yet, why would someone stay married to a toxic spouse at all?
All this said, yes communication is key. The couple should talk it through. Yes you should ask for the reason. This is good because his issue may be something that can be dealt with. It may just be a further definition of a boundary. Maybe that is all that is needed. So certainly discuss this. I am just saying be prepared for this to come down to something that the other spouse feels crosses their boundaries. But at some point one has to wonder what type of bond does the spouse have with another person that they wish to risk their marriage over?
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 04-24-2012 at 01:47 PM.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
I you are not commited to your partner then do not get married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
He HAS TO explain why he finds it unacceptable or why he's not comfortable with it. Sometimes partners have requests as "important" as whims or caprices which in my opinion should be ignored.
Well hopefully, you will find a partner who does not have a problem treating you with the some disdain.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeff/BC
You REALLY need to let this go. So Carol and I are 57 and 48 respectively. We've been a couple for 17 years and married for 15 of them. Things seem to be getting better and better year by year. At what age and at how many years of marriage do we gain credibility?
Why can't you believe that this sort of thinking just has no place in our marriage or our brains? We both agree that if we even STARTED to think like this our marriage would already be so broken that divorce would be a great choice.
Everyone is not you.
edited to add
Note that I do not necessarily think that other couples can or should do what we do. That's not the point. The point is that just because YOU can't imagine my marriage doesn't mean that it cannot exist.
And adding further, I gave Carol the most outlandish scenario I could think of that didn't directly involve sex. "What if the model gorgeous 30 year old at work invited me and me alone to go nude hot tubbing with her at her private cottage in the woods." Carol's response? "It'd be good for you. You need to do more things like that." Note that her response has nothing to do with our alternative and semi-open marriage. The same would've been true pretty much any time after the first year or two.. maybe even before then.
By the way, I'd be fine with the similar situation in reverse and again, having nothing to do with any open-ness.
Perhaps Carol has a screw loose...not many people I know would be OK with that scenario, even if it is just fantasy planning. Some people I know would get into an argument just speaking of it hypothetically!
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by CandieGirl
Perhaps Carol has a screw loose...not many people I know would be OK with that scenario, even if it is just fantasy planning. Some people I know would get into an argument just speaking of it hypothetically!
Fantasies aside my wife telling me she is going to do some nude modeling for a guy friend of hers is a non starter. Just an example.
Or her saying she is going over Bob's house and try out his new hot tub with him and his buddies and BTW they will all be in the nude. Ummm. How about freaking no. But thanks for bringing this up and not just doing it.
But the actual act of suggesting this would be a big problem in itself. For some folks no big deal.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by NextTimeAround
LovelyGirl, have you ever wondered how sincere, pure, innocent your quest to have friends with men is? Do you have female friends at all? How's that going for you?
And when you are friends with men who have partners, how do you treat their partners?
I have both female and male friends.
With some of my male friends their intentions were more than just friendship and with some other male friends it was pure frienship so that's why I believe in a pure frienship between male and female though it's very rare.
As for male friends who have partners, their partners feel jealous when I'm around because I'm very easy-going, friendly, smiley and such so I've learned to keep distance because my actions were misinterpreted.
As for the way I treat their partners, I treat them the same way that I treat my male friends - I try to be friendly with their partners as well so that they won't think I'm hitting on my male friends.
EDIT: I never flirt with a guy who's already in a relationship - whether he's my friend of not. I try to respect their relationship.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelygirl
I have both female and male friends.
With some of my male friends their intentions were more than just friendship and with some other male friends it was pure frienship so that's why I believe in a pure frienship between male and female though it's very rare.
As for male friends who have partners, their partners feel jealous when I'm around because I'm very easy-going, friendly, smiley and such so I've learned to keep distance because my actions were misinterpreted.
As for the way I treat their partners, I treat them the same way that I treat my male friends - I try to be friendly with their partners as well so that they won't think I'm hitting on my male friends.
EDIT: I never flirt with a guy who's already in a relationship - whether he's my friend of not. I try to respect their relationship.
So will there be any changes when you get married?
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
You are not supposed to be at odds with your spouse. You should not ignore your spouse. They are supposed to be your number one concern. You are talking about a relationship you have with another man. Spouses have the right to feel the way they feel. If the marriage is the #1 priority then there is no issue.
Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Entropy3000
Spouses can see danger where we do not. Choose as best you can a spouse who is not a jerk. If you do no trust your spouse to not be cruel to you how can you trust them with opposite sex friends? Or better yet, why would someone stay married to a toxic spouse at all?
All this said, yes communication is key. The couple should talk it through. Yes you should ask for the reason. This is good because his issue may be something that can be dealt with. It may just be a further definition of a boundary. Maybe that is all that is needed. So certainly discuss this. I am just saying be prepared for this to come down to something that the other spouse feels crosses their boundaries. But at some point one has to wonder what type of bond does the spouse have with another person that they wish to risk their marriage over?
I agree. Communication is the key, not jut in marriage but in every type of relationship.
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Re: Can spouses have friends of the opposite sex... 
