My wife is no longer affectionate to me.
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

I wanted to ask for others' input and thoughts. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have good communication between us and have discussed both of our feelings in this area. During our 2 years of dating prior to marriage and through over a year of marriage she was affectionate verbally and physically. during the last year and a half this has dropped off signigicantly. She is very affectionate with her friends, family and even co-workers; hugging them, etc. She cuddles with our dog through out the day. At times she is afectionate when we are watching TV and snuggles up to me. Our sex life has considerably decreased from easily 7 to 10 times a week, to now closer to 2 or 3 times a month, and once a month for the last 2 months "...as long as its quick". When we go to bed, I usually move to put my arms around her, and am often asked "can I just lie here for a while?" afterwhich she falls asleep. She has recently said she wakes up feeling uncomfortable and doesnt want to make love in the morning.

A request for a kiss during the day is often met with a response of " I kissed you this morning" or "it's distracting for you to hug me or kiss me during the day".

The last 18 months have been full issues for her, including illnesses and injuries for several or her family members, the sudden death of a long time friend, stressful issues with our children (each has children from previous relationships, none together), work stresses and a life threatening injury to our dog.

She says that she loves me. We enjoy being together and generally have a great life together. It's just the dwindling affection is making me fell rejected and almost more like a roomate at times.

Several times over the last few months she has told me how my she appreciates me being patient when she doesn feel affectionate. I feel bad for saying this, but I'm tired of being patient. Is this wrong for me to feel?
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:16 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

From a female....your statement about the stress.....what have you done to be romantic to make her want sex? Females sometimes need that emotional prelude to make the rest of the world fall away. My husband used to light candles and draw me a bath and pour a glass of wine and shut the phone off....when I would get out of the bath he would give me simply my robe and then a massage....always did the trick. ( miss those days)
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Old 04-22-2012, 09:37 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

Assuming you are essentially the same person who dated her, the "thing" that has changed was her marital status. Passionate before ceremony, gradual decline after ceremony. Without any other info, I would suspect the pre-ceremony passion was an act...a ruse. What you have now is reality. What is her mother's relationship with her father like? What was her previous married relationship like?
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Old 04-22-2012, 10:25 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

She will readily admit that I am very romantic. I bring home flowers for no reason, fix dinner about 80% of the time. I try to set a romantic mood by lighting candles in the bathroom and have mixed up bathoils from recipes I've searched online, get a bath ready for her, give her massages. after her bath and massage, she often gos back to the "let me lie here a minute and enjoy" and then she's asleep. Gently waking her later is treated as me being rude and not understanding.

Not saying I'm the perfect husband, but I honestly do try in every way.

As for her previous relationships, her marriage with her ex is described by her as a sexless one. She said it was him not wanting it, but I am developing doubts. I do know him and his new girlfriend, and well, from comments both of them make, their new relationship is far from sexless.
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Old 04-22-2012, 11:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

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Originally Posted by cowboyincanada View Post
She will readily admit that I am very romantic. I bring home flowers for no reason, fix dinner about 80% of the time. I try to set a romantic mood by lighting candles in the bathroom and have mixed up bathoils from recipes I've searched online, get a bath ready for her, give her massages. after her bath and massage, she often gos back to the "let me lie here a minute and enjoy" and then she's asleep. Gently waking her later is treated as me being rude and not understanding.

Not saying I'm the perfect husband, but I honestly do try in every way.
And here is your problem. You have continued to meet her needs while she is clearly neglecting yours. Stop being so romantic and 'nice' and she will stop taking you for granted.
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Old 04-22-2012, 11:44 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

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Originally Posted by cowboyincanada View Post
She will readily admit that I am very romantic. I bring home flowers for no reason, fix dinner about 80% of the time. I try to set a romantic mood by lighting candles in the bathroom and have mixed up bathoils from recipes I've searched online, get a bath ready for her, give her massages. after her bath and massage, she often gos back to the "let me lie here a minute and enjoy" and then she's asleep. Gently waking her later is treated as me being rude and not understanding.

Not saying I'm the perfect husband, but I honestly do try in every way.

As for her previous relationships, her marriage with her ex is described by her as a sexless one. She said it was him not wanting it, but I am developing doubts. I do know him and his new girlfriend, and well, from comments both of them make, their new relationship is far from sexless.
She was in a sexless relationship and now she's basically in another one. Hmmmm. What's the common denominator? If you were an employer and discovered one of your employees stealing and you found she was fired from her last job for stealing, it wouldn't be hard to figure out what the problem was.
I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that her mother treated her father pretty much the same. If she has sisters, how do they (Really) treat their husbands?
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Old 04-22-2012, 02:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

What's romantic to you might not be romantic to her.
But it's strange that no matter how affectionate you try to be, she is not.
This leaves me wondering if there's someone else on her mind ..
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:51 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

My computer was down for a week. I've got to catch up on all of these threads where the wife is not into the husband any more and all of you smart people try to diagnose it like it's the first time you've run into it.

Listen to me: most wives fall out of love with their husbands during the first 10 years of marriage. 3 years is a little early, but HARDLY rare.

My advice to you? Get used to it or get divorced.

Now excuse me while I go around fixing all of these other similar threads with the same problem.
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Old 04-23-2012, 06:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

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Originally Posted by MrK View Post
My computer was down for a week. I've got to catch up on all of these threads where the wife is not into the husband any more and all of you smart people try to diagnose it like it's the first time you've run into it.

Listen to me: most wives fall out of love with their husbands during the first 10 years of marriage. 3 years is a little early, but HARDLY rare.

My advice to you? Get used to it or get divorced.

Now excuse me while I go around fixing all of these other similar threads with the same problem.
lol. I can see the humorous side of your post with some truth in it but it doesn't go this way with all the wives.

Probably, the thing that we all can think of is if there's someone else on her mind now.
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

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Originally Posted by cowboyincanada View Post
A request for a kiss during the day is often met with a response of " I kissed you this morning" or "it's distracting for you to hug me or kiss me during the day".

The last 18 months have been full issues for her, including illnesses and injuries for several or her family members, the sudden death of a long time friend, stressful issues with our children (each has children from previous relationships, none together), work stresses and a life threatening injury to our dog.

It's just the dwindling affection is making me fell rejected and almost more like a roomate at times.

Several times over the last few months she has told me how my she appreciates me being patient when she doesn feel affectionate. I feel bad for saying this, but I'm tired of being patient. Is this wrong for me to feel?
Not at all. The way your wife feels about herself is a big factor here. When she feels better about herself she will feel better about you. If you are contributing to her negative feelings about herself in any way, stop it. Be aware that a positive does not necessarily offset a negative in this equation. Also, like it or not, what other women think about her may have a bigger impact on her feelings about herself than whatever you (as her husband) say or do.

Last edited by Ten_year_hubby; 04-23-2012 at 01:03 PM.
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:07 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

How is she in other areas of the marriage? Other than the bed room or when you're trying to be affectionate.

Hard to say for sure whats going on with her. Any medical conditions that you know of going on? Whats her age?
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:50 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

When I withdrew affection from my H around the 3yr mark, it was b/c I was hiding smoking cigarrettes from him (he hated it and I didn't want him to find out) and I resented him for coming home from work, turning on the TV and sitting there the rest of the evening. He never engaged in conversation, never helped with chores or the dogs...I just started to 'check out'.

This led to further complications and As on both of our parts.

Please talk to your wife and try to find out the cause of this sudden lapse of affection. There is something going on. It may be small right now (resentment? stress?) but if it is allowed to snowball, the outcome will not be good.

Maybe she feels you are only using her for sex? Maybe she is really stressed out and not finding the emotional support she needs from you. You may do nice things like make dinner, light candles, get flowers, etc, but if you are not simply listening to her vent and trying to be supportive...that could be the problem right there.

Women need someone who will listen to them as well as support them without trying to "fix" the situation. If you are constantly trying to "fix" her problems instead of just listening, that will start to build resentment. Women don't need problems to be "fixed" - they need problems to be listened to without alot of "Well this is what you should do...." We solve alot of our own problems by talking them out with someone who will simply sit there and listen
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Old 04-23-2012, 12:57 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

I had a close friend (a guy) just go through a divorce. That's how his wife acted. He'd put his arm around her in bed and she'd say, "I just want to sleep!" Then later she told him she wanted a seperation.
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Old 04-23-2012, 01:00 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

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Originally Posted by unbelievable View Post
She was in a sexless relationship and now she's basically in another one. Hmmmm. What's the common denominator? If you were an employer and discovered one of your employees stealing and you found she was fired from her last job for stealing, it wouldn't be hard to figure out what the problem was.
I wouldn't be at all surprised to learn that her mother treated her father pretty much the same. If she has sisters, how do they (Really) treat their husbands?
This is my wife. Her Mom is...never mind, her sisters for the most part treat their husbands pretty badly and one will never get married and has a revolving door of boyfriends.

Mine is basically uninterested but trying to work back the feeling. I think they all have internal mental and chemical blocks to a healthy sex life and will generally put the blame on us guys as the reason for their unhappiness and lack of drive.
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Old 04-23-2012, 01:11 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Default Re: My wife is no longer affectionate to me.

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Originally Posted by vi_bride04 View Post
When I withdrew affection from my H around the 3yr mark, it was b/c I was hiding smoking cigarrettes from him (he hated it and I didn't want him to find out) and I resented him for coming home from work, turning on the TV and sitting there the rest of the evening. He never engaged in conversation, never helped with chores or the dogs...I just started to 'check out'.

This led to further complications and As on both of our parts.

Please talk to your wife and try to find out the cause of this sudden lapse of affection. There is something going on. It may be small right now (resentment? stress?) but if it is allowed to snowball, the outcome will not be good.

Maybe she feels you are only using her for sex? Maybe she is really stressed out and not finding the emotional support she needs from you. You may do nice things like make dinner, light candles, get flowers, etc, but if you are not simply listening to her vent and trying to be supportive...that could be the problem right there.

Women need someone who will listen to them as well as support them without trying to "fix" the situation. If you are constantly trying to "fix" her problems instead of just listening, that will start to build resentment. Women don't need problems to be "fixed" - they need problems to be listened to without alot of "Well this is what you should do...." We solve alot of our own problems by talking them out with someone who will simply sit there and listen
This is so true. I learned this during a course I was taking while seperated. Men generally want to fix things and many women hate this. Us guys want things to be right in our worlds, so we look to make them right. Some women prefer to just be heard, which is harder for men in the current world as we are bombarded with so many different ways people can communicate to us. Email, Cell, Text, FB, not to mention just sitting and talking.

Most Men would rather decompress in front of the TV than sit and listen to gossip and whining. This is what I struggle with. I come home from work and just want to collapse and regenerate. This is exactly what they talk about in Men are from Mars, Women from Venus book.

I think the key is both understanding the difference and trying to find a common ground. Resentment can kill the marriage, so communication is the key, but as I learned, my Venetian kept it all inside till she shut down.

Now she is having a very hard time breaking down her wall and opening her heart.
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