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Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

4K views 36 replies 13 participants last post by  Peachy Cat 
#1 ·
I'll try to make a long story short, but don't know how well I'll do.

First marriage was a disaster: too young, rebound guy... he turned out to be a cheater, drug addict and p0rn addict. Divorced after 9 years.

Second marriage was a disaster: first real relationship after divorce, felt responsible for the guy... he turned out to be a liar, alcoholic, control freak and p0rn addict. Separated for over 3 years, still married, but no contact since 2009. (Part of the long story being omitted in the interest of keeping it short).

Boyfriend: was my high school sweetheart and first true love...he's a wonderfully sweet man, who I believe loves and adores me. Reunited after 27 years apart (Another part of the long story omitted). Caught him looking at p0rn soon after we got back together.

Do you see the trend here? What is it with me picking guys that like porn? I'm a completely and utterly ANTI-P0RN. (Yet another part of the story that I will omit so as to keep it short-but there's a reason I cannot and will not tolerate p0rn in my relationship).

I am willing to provide details if asked, just trying to keep the OP short... failing, I see ;).

I don't believe BF is an addict for several reasons: 1) He didn't blame me 2) He stopped "cold turkey" as soon as he knew he was caught 3) He has given me full access to check his computer usage at all times and there's been zero nefarious activity since D-day. So, in this regard (him not being an addict) I feel that I can continue my relationship with him because we love each other and have a great relationship otherwise. (Relationship is beginning to suffer some, sex-wise, but we are still close and loving).

The problem I'm having is that I no longer feel like having sex with him. I think about him, when he's not around, and I can't wait to see him. I desire intimacy when we're apart, but I don't when we're together. We haven't been intimate for several months now (because of me) and I'm afraid I'm going to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to me. He has not pressured me and he still treats me like a queen (thankfully), but I can tell he's sad about it. He has no idea that my distancing myself from him is related to the p0rn incident because it's been over 2 years since that happened and I was able to maintain intmacy I didn't feel for quite a while afterward.

Questions: How did you who have "been there" where I am now, get past it? How did you learn to not think about it and feel "less than" during intimate situations? How did you get over feeling the need to constantly check on his computer activity? How did you learn to feel confident and sexy again?

I welcome advice from anyone who wishes to help me, but PLEASE don't bother telling me to "watch it with him" (because I find it disgusting and have NO desire to see it EVER again), "get over it" (because I am trying to learn how to do that), "quit being a prude" (because I am not a prude and I DO enjoy sex), "stop comparing yourself to the 'stars' in the videos" (because I don't see how it's possible to NOT do that).

Thanks for reading my long "short" story.
 
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#32 ·
so you deny your bf sex and forbid him to watch porn? umm... arent you afraid he's gonna explode? that kind of back up cant be good.

if you cant "get over it" the options are limited. i take it personally too when my hubs gets into porn.. but not to this degree. i watched lots of videos for a while of men spanking themselves to help me sort of desensitize myself. i think it helped to a degree. it doesnt bother me nearly as much as it used to.

good luck hun
 
#33 ·
fetish wife
I feel for you as there is no difference at all with what your wife is into and men being into porn, cos she is 'getting-off' sexually on it and that belongs to you. I know this is not a popular opinion. People think it enhances their sex lives but in my experience it just dirties and cheapens it. Nothing is more exciting than knowing your partner is trying to only look and fantasise about you.
Media is a pain in the but...
I know the world is going along with all this rubbish as if it is harmless. How can your therapist agree with your wife when you have clearly shown that it is hurting you so much? How can that be loving or a good thing, it obviously is not a good idea cos it hurts you. That is more important than any shallow thrill. xx
 
#34 ·
This shouldnt turn into a pron debate as the OP is looking for advice...but I will say this.

We as a society are lazy. We are far too quick to blame media for poor actions. Kids don't concentrate? It's TV. Kid commits a crime? It's rap. Intimacy in the toilet? It's pron.

We need stop blaming "things" for behavior and start blaming PEOPLE for behavior.

OP the likelihood of your relationship working out is not very good. Most of us guys like pron and when forced to give it up we fail. Why? Because as a gender we are visually stimulated not romantically stimulated. It's not an addiction...it's a past time. I know women won't understand that, but men don't understand soap opera's and teenaged vampire love. But we accept each other differences.
 
#35 ·
That is funny you say that as I have discovered the opposite in my family...

Although I am visually stimulated as a man...Im also very romantically stimulated...

Apparently my wife of 22 years is more visually stimulated that romantically stimulated....at least by me.

Im nothing to sneeze at either!

I have lived with the pain of this stereotype...that women are romantically stimulated and not visually..for my whole adult life now...

Forget it....she is that way....its maddening....

NOW I KNOW HOW THE WOMEN FEEL about their men who want porn....I would give up porn 100% if my wife asked me...but she did not.

I asked her to give up her movie star obsessions and only upon pain of breakup/divorce getting mad, yelling, etc etc has she agreed not to do it anymore....although its fairly clear she still wants to do it.

There is a long drawn out story about this with therapy with us etc...but to me its all just a story...

She likes it...I dont like that she likes it...with the internet and DVD and netflix today this could be a never ending rabbit hole for an obsessive type....
 
#36 ·
Do you see the trend here? What is it with me picking guys that like porn? I'm a completely and utterly ANTI-P0RN. (Yet another part of the story that I will omit so as to keep it short-but there's a reason I cannot and will not tolerate p0rn in my relationship).


I welcome advice from anyone who wishes to help me, but PLEASE don't bother telling me to "watch it with him" (because I find it disgusting and have NO desire to see it EVER again), "get over it" (because I am trying to learn how to do that), "quit being a prude" (because I am not a prude and I DO enjoy sex), "stop comparing yourself to the 'stars' in the videos" (because I don't see how it's possible to NOT do that).
Since MANY men use porn, there aren't too many ways to avoid it completely in your life. I tried that and came to wish I hadn't.

I won't tell you to watch it with him, but I will tell you that the first thing you need to do is figure out how to tell the difference between a man who uses porn normally from a man who doesn't. I will also tell you that you need to mind your own business and leave your guy alone about his use of porn as long as he's still able and willing to satisfy you sexually.

Whatever's left after that is YOUR problem, not his. And it's up to YOU to fix it, not him. You can do this by learning that some men use porn as a way to get quick physical release (orgasm does have health benefits) without feeling pressured to perform with a partner. It takes less time, and gives a man a sense of freedom from his responsibilities to you. Why would you even try to take that away from your guy?

On the other hand, porn can also cause problems. Men who masturbate frequently to porn can have difficulty staying hard or reaching orgasm with their partners. They may pressure their partner to do things that are distasteful to her. They may lose interest in having sex with her. Or they may expect her to be able to orgasm if they simply mimic what they've seen in porn, which is an unrealistic expectation that can leave her feeling dissatisfied.

In your relationships, if the kinds of things that I listed as problems are absent, then you're going too far and trying to control him too much if you insist that he give it up. I think sardines are disgusting, too, but I'd never dream of telling someone they weren't allowed to eat them.
 
#37 ·
Hey, I didn't jump the shark... just lost this thread for a while.

Thanks, again, for your comments and honesty.

My stance on porn is never going to change. I simply cannot and will not ever be "ok" with it. I thought, seriously, about "allowing" it for a time while I get my head together and decided that I just can't do that.

This is MY problem, not his, so I will not "spy" on him during this time of abstinence. If he chooses to "go there", I am willing to look the other way for a while. However, I've spoken to him about all of this (except my membership on this site) and he knows how I feel. One day, when I get myself all sorted out... I just might not want a man that decided porn was more important to him than I was.


He told me this (and it meant a lot to me): "I am a better man because of you. I am a better man because I quit looking for that kind of filth. I am embarrassed and sad that you found out and that I hurt you, but I'm glad you found out and I'm glad I've left it behind". I quoted it, but I can't remember verbatim...

My long, drawn out point is: I'm not going to say "go for it", but I'm not going to "forbid" it and I'm going to work on me getting my act together and being his physical partner again. I'm gonna see what happens....and hope that he's still there for me at the end.
 
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