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Old 04-22-2012, 03:02 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Default Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

I'll try to make a long story short, but don't know how well I'll do.

First marriage was a disaster: too young, rebound guy... he turned out to be a cheater, drug addict and p0rn addict. Divorced after 9 years.

Second marriage was a disaster: first real relationship after divorce, felt responsible for the guy... he turned out to be a liar, alcoholic, control freak and p0rn addict. Separated for over 3 years, still married, but no contact since 2009. (Part of the long story being omitted in the interest of keeping it short).

Boyfriend: was my high school sweetheart and first true love...he's a wonderfully sweet man, who I believe loves and adores me. Reunited after 27 years apart (Another part of the long story omitted). Caught him looking at p0rn soon after we got back together.

Do you see the trend here? What is it with me picking guys that like porn? I'm a completely and utterly ANTI-P0RN. (Yet another part of the story that I will omit so as to keep it short-but there's a reason I cannot and will not tolerate p0rn in my relationship).

I am willing to provide details if asked, just trying to keep the OP short... failing, I see .

I don't believe BF is an addict for several reasons: 1) He didn't blame me 2) He stopped "cold turkey" as soon as he knew he was caught 3) He has given me full access to check his computer usage at all times and there's been zero nefarious activity since D-day. So, in this regard (him not being an addict) I feel that I can continue my relationship with him because we love each other and have a great relationship otherwise. (Relationship is beginning to suffer some, sex-wise, but we are still close and loving).

The problem I'm having is that I no longer feel like having sex with him. I think about him, when he's not around, and I can't wait to see him. I desire intimacy when we're apart, but I don't when we're together. We haven't been intimate for several months now (because of me) and I'm afraid I'm going to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to me. He has not pressured me and he still treats me like a queen (thankfully), but I can tell he's sad about it. He has no idea that my distancing myself from him is related to the p0rn incident because it's been over 2 years since that happened and I was able to maintain intmacy I didn't feel for quite a while afterward.

Questions: How did you who have "been there" where I am now, get past it? How did you learn to not think about it and feel "less than" during intimate situations? How did you get over feeling the need to constantly check on his computer activity? How did you learn to feel confident and sexy again?

I welcome advice from anyone who wishes to help me, but PLEASE don't bother telling me to "watch it with him" (because I find it disgusting and have NO desire to see it EVER again), "get over it" (because I am trying to learn how to do that), "quit being a prude" (because I am not a prude and I DO enjoy sex), "stop comparing yourself to the 'stars' in the videos" (because I don't see how it's possible to NOT do that).

Thanks for reading my long "short" story.
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:19 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

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Questions: How did you who have "been there" where I am now, get past it? How did you learn to not think about it and feel "less than" during intimate situations?
I was married to two addicts. One is now dead. The other has somehow managed to live through horrific d.t.'s, run-in's with the law (DUI's) and loss of his job.

You are not involved with an addict, but you realize there is a pattern. I know what you mean about desiring the guy, then when he's physically present, the desire just ain't there.

This is classic of codependents. Everyone is a little codependent, but we "codies" take it to a whole new level. I would suggest you get hold of Melodie Beattie's Codependent No More. I went to Al-Anon for years. Even after I got the addicts out of my life, they had left me with lots of residual damage. I also attended CoDA (Codependents Anonymous).

It worked for me, along with IC. Maybe it is something you should consider.
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:27 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

My best advice?

You have to understand that the VAST majority of males do, in fact, look at porn... some moreso than others. By definition, that makes your 100% no-porn stance "alternative". That means you have an obligation to alert potential partners of that right up front... directly, eg:

"Do you EVER look at porn? If so, we cannot date."

That's for your next relationship. For this relationship, I think you need to end it right now before you mess with this guy any further. I honor your right to decline any porn whatsoever in your relationships. I just think you need to realize that because it's you who is out of lockstep with the norm, it's incumbent on you to make that very, very, crystal clear right up front -- the same as I would say for any other alternative relationship including mine.
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:32 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

@Jeff/BC: You wrote what I've been thinking... I feel a lot of quilt for "making" him give up p0rn just to stay with me. I keep wondering if he'd be better off without me, especially now that it's gotten to this point where I no longer feel able to "perform".

He did know, up front, that I was staunchly "anti p0rn" and I realize that's why he hid it from me (deleted history). I guess maybe he thought "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I really wish I had never found out because everything was amazing before that fateful day...
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

I've been trying to find a way to "bring it up again" and let him know that the distance is related to the betrayal and my inability to get past it. I don't bring it up because I know he feels bad. He was embarrassed and remorseful at the time I confronted him and that would have been the best time to hash it all out, but I was so hurt and confused I really didn't talk about it much beyond the confrontation. Now, because so much time has passed, I feel like I would be beating a dead horse.

There's so much about what happened that plagues my mind; it's almost an obsession. I play out scenarios in my head and it makes me crazy all over again...so... he sat there at the computer with p0rn in one window and "whatever" in the "decoy" window minimized at the bottom... that way, when he heard me drive up, he could quickly close the p0rn window and simply be viewing the other when I walked in. OR....he's looking at the clock... she gets off at 7, I better start deleting the history now so I can get busy washing the dishes before she gets home... OR... Crap, did I remember to log off the p0rn site? I better double check, she might find some cookies in the cache... OR.... see what I mean??

I know most of it is just crap in my head (not that he didn't probably do those things-but does it really matter 2 years later?), but I can't make it stop. It scares me that I had NO IDEA anything was going on until I happened on it completely by accident. And then... there's that: what if I hadn't gone google searching that morning and found his "search" text in the auto complete? He'd still be doing it and acting like nothing was wrong.

I am at an impasse and I'm scared. I still feel betrayed and it makes me angry.
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

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He did know, up front, that I was staunchly "anti p0rn" and I realize that's why he hid it from me (deleted history). I guess maybe he thought "what she doesn't know won't hurt her". I really wish I had never found out because everything was amazing before that fateful day...
Well in that case it's all really quite easy. Consider. Not only do you have the problem with porn. That one is a bit grey because, as I noted, you're the unusual one there. It's hard to get all down on someone who is "normal".

HOWEVER, the other thing you know is that your boyfriend lacks honor. THAT is a huge problem. If you told him clearly "no porn", he agreed, then he not only watched porn but hid it from you there is really no other interpretation. I'm the first to admit that I am a fallible human being. Yes, I deceive sometimes. Yes, in general, I do things that don't measure up to my own standards of honor. But I cannot imagine me doing something which I knew for a fact would horrify Carol. I'd divorce her first if it came down to it.
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:46 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

You are correct that the "lack of honor" is at the crux of my problem. I mean, if he had said to me, "I know *** and **** hurt you deeply by watching p0rn and lying about it, so I don't want to do that to you. Would you mind if I watched a little blah, blah, blah while you're at work?" I would have said, "Yes, I mind very much and you get get the ef out if that's what you feel the need to do".

So, he did it and hid it. He wanted to have his cake and eat it, too.
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Old 04-22-2012, 04:59 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

Where *does* your intolerance of porn stem from? If you can get over that, this problem won't come up again
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

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Where *does* your intolerance of porn stem from? If you can get over that, this problem won't come up again
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I was sexually abused by my grandfather when I was 6 through 9 years old. He LOVED p0rn of all kinds, magazines, photos, videos.

Even years and years later, I can still remember some of the "movies" he used to show.... old 8mm films, with no sound, projected on a portable screen.

I have been in and out of counseling over the years, but have to admit that most of the issues addressed were directly related to the marriages I was in, rather than the childhood sexual abuse. I kind of quit trying to fix myself and resorted to "survival mode".
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:40 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

That makes sense peachy. However, you can't be happy with others if you can't be happy with yourself. Survival mode robs you of a real life.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:42 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

I am so sorry for your trauma
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:53 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

Thank you, mrsamazing-for the advice and the support.

I honestly feel that I "got past" or "got over"--whatever the phrase should be, the abuse. I know I have self esteem issues because of it, but I've managed to find good reasons to keep being the best I can be.

The reason his betrayal hurt me so much is because I trusted him completely and totally. He was my first true love and I never quit loving him since high school. When we got together again, after 27 years, I finally felt "at home" sexually and was able to truly enjoy intimacy in the relationship.

I tended to blame myself, a little, for the 2 others that were porn addicts because I know I was not "good in bed" with them. I had hang ups and sometimes had to really work hard to even be affectionate with them. But, intimacy and affection in this relationship seemed natural and real; I was even surprised at myself because I had long since thought I was "broken" and would never really be one of those women who desire intimacy. The porn viewing was during the "honeymoon" stage of our new relationship. In fact, as I drove over 6 hours to see him after not seeing him for 27 years, he was viewing porn an hour before I arrived.
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Old 04-22-2012, 05:58 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm sorry too. Think of beating these demons as a personal victory you very much deserve.

If you don't, your grandfather and the horrible things he did win.
Thanks for the support.

Thankfully, the bastard died when I was 13.

I was almost 25 years old before I realized I was even traumatized. I always remembered the abuse, I just thought of it as "the past" and had no clue it was still affecting me. I know that sounds crazy, but I really thought I was "fine" once he died. Wishful thinking, I suppose.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:27 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Default Re: Seeking advice from those that have "been there"...

That would be very hurtful to me, I think. But your feelings about it come from 30 plus years that have nothing to do with him. I hope that the two of you can come together on this, but be advised, he will feel betrayed that you have not shared with him the source of your withdrawl. he well feel deprived of a chance torepairwhat hes done. This is not to blame you, just a heads up of what might happen when you explain it to him.
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:34 PM   #15 (permalink)
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be advised, he will feel betrayed that you have not shared with him the source of your withdrawl. he well feel deprived of a chance torepairwhat hes done. This is not to blame you, just a heads up of what might happen when you explain it to him.
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I've thought of this, which is why I keep hesitating... yet, the longer I wait, the worse it's going to be.

I think I'm ready to "rip the band-aid off" and be honest with him.
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