I'll try to make a long story short, but don't know how well I'll do.
First marriage was a disaster: too young, rebound guy... he turned out to be a cheater, drug addict and p0rn addict. Divorced after 9 years.
Second marriage was a disaster: first real relationship after divorce, felt responsible for the guy... he turned out to be a liar, alcoholic, control freak and p0rn addict. Separated for over 3 years, still married, but no contact since 2009. (Part of the long story being omitted in the interest of keeping it short).
Boyfriend: was my high school sweetheart and first true love...he's a wonderfully sweet man, who I believe loves and adores me. Reunited after 27 years apart (Another part of the long story omitted). Caught him looking at p0rn soon after we got back together.
Do you see the trend here? What is it with me picking guys that like porn? I'm a completely and utterly ANTI-P0RN. (Yet another part of the story that I will omit so as to keep it short-but there's a reason I cannot and will not tolerate p0rn in my relationship).
I am willing to provide details if asked, just trying to keep the OP short... failing, I see
I don't believe BF is an addict for several reasons: 1) He didn't blame me 2) He stopped "cold turkey" as soon as he knew he was caught 3) He has given me full access to check his computer usage at all times and there's been zero nefarious activity since D-day. So, in this regard (him not being an addict) I feel that I can continue my relationship with him because we love each other and have a great relationship otherwise. (Relationship is beginning to suffer some, sex-wise, but we are still close and loving).
The problem I'm having is that I no longer feel like having sex with him. I think about him, when he's not around, and I can't wait to see him. I desire intimacy when we're apart, but I don't when we're together. We haven't been intimate for several months now (because of me) and I'm afraid I'm going to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to me. He has not pressured me and he still treats me like a queen (thankfully), but I can tell he's sad about it. He has no idea that my distancing myself from him is related to the p0rn incident because it's been over 2 years since that happened and I was able to maintain intmacy I didn't feel for quite a while afterward.
Questions: How did you who have "been there" where I am now, get past it? How did you learn to not think about it and feel "less than" during intimate situations? How did you get over feeling the need to constantly check on his computer activity? How did you learn to feel confident and sexy again?
I welcome advice from anyone who wishes to help me, but PLEASE don't bother telling me to "watch it with him" (because I find it disgusting and have NO desire to see it EVER again), "get over it" (because I am trying to learn how to do that), "quit being a prude" (because I am not a prude and I DO enjoy sex), "stop comparing yourself to the 'stars' in the videos" (because I don't see how it's possible to NOT do that).
Thanks for reading my long "short" story.