General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
I've been with my gf for almost three years. Today I ended the relationship because of my selfishness.
My gf(25) had father issues growing up all her life. She doesn't talk to her dad, nor is she close to any direct family members. She is financially independent, lives at home, and works full-time. She doesn't have many friends and doesn't really go out with co-workers/friends. She's reserved and soft spoken.
I'm 27 and am the opposite. I am very close to my family and have a lot of friends from work and college that I regularly go out with. I'm very social and outgoing.
Now, back to our relationship. Together we are great, the sex has always been amazing. One on one, we can have a good time, interesting conversations, and are able to bond on a different level. However, socially among friends it's the complete opposite. Whenever I'm around my friends, she's very quiet, always complaining, and pretty much a "princess." It's very hard for her to make friends and always feels out of place when she's around my college friends that i've known all my life.
I've tried to be patient, include her in convos, have her hang out with my friend's gf, but it never works. We will go two weeks where we only hang out together and everything is great. Then one night, we all go out with my friends, and things hit the fan. I'm always going off with my friends and smoking, dancing, and not giving her enough attention. We've also taken a break before where she had tried to make some new friends and go out with them to create more of a balance. But this also didn't work.
Lately, whenever I go out, I feel like I'm socializing more and more. I feel like i'm missing out on situations with my friends. It got to the point where she didn't go out with my friends just so we would avoid fights, but that didn't work. Things have really turned to crap when she goes out with my friends and in large groups.
She's ready to settle down and move forward. While I feel like I'm going back to the post-college partying days. I want to meet new people and constantly go out. I love her a lot, but feel like we are on two separate wave lengths. It's come to a point where I can no longer move forward and say "things will get better." She says she will try to be more social with smaller groups of friends. I don't want to waste her time. Today I ended and I feel terrible. She blames herself, and I tell her not to. I told her we are at two different stages in her life and that I am very selfish, which I am. I can't put myself in her shoes and understand her position.
Awful day for us Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Cheers.
I think I might know what her problem is, which is the exact problem that I used to have. She must have social-anxitey which makes it hard for her to socialize, gong to see a specialist or taking anxiety medication will do wonders, beleive me. External triggers that might have brought that are probably not being close to family (just like I was never close to my family) it really sucks because you feel uncomfortable and dont know what to say or do when youre in social situtations and feel much more comfortable one on ones. Instead of giving up on her, seek these options and I really hope things do turn around. They did for me
She's ready to settle down and move forward. While I feel like I'm going back to the post-college partying days. I want to meet new people and constantly go out. I love her a lot, but feel like we are on two separate wave lengths. It's come to a point where I can no longer move forward and say "things will get better." She says she will try to be more social with smaller groups of friends. I don't want to waste her time. Today I ended and I feel terrible. She blames herself, and I tell her not to. I told her we are at two different stages in her life and that I am very selfish, which I am. I can't put myself in her shoes and understand her position.
That's the only thing that matters right there.
People fall in love. There is no avoiding that. We are emotional and sexual beings, so falling in love is inevitable. The common problem is we too often allow love and emotions to rule over our good and common sense. You have the good sense to know you are selfish and that the two of you are essentially incompatible. You broke up, and now you feel bad about it, but that, again, is just the emotions that follow breaking up. It's the usual grieving process we go through when we experience a sense of loss.
You know you did the right thing. You can promise to try and change for her, but your common sense tells you not to lie, knowing you will never live up to that. Give yourself some real time - like a few months - to sort your feelings from a logical, less emotional, perspective. And even then, don't decide or promise to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.
I don't feel you're being 'selfish' because you want to party. This is the time in your life to do this...BEFORE marriage and/or children.
Marrying would have made you both miserable and resentful. Remember the good times, and learn the lesson...you need someone more social.
Enjoy your friends and don't be too quick to jump into a new 'serious' relationship. Make sure you understand EVERYTHING that made this one 'click' and that made this one fall apart.
In a couple of years you are going to kick yourself for letting go of someone YOU connected too. You chose partying and your friends over your girlfriend. Good relationships are hard to come by....bars and booze are on every corner. Who cares how she fits with your friends..what matters is how did sh fit with you one on one. Posted via Mobile Device
In a few years, he'll be with someone else and this last gf will just be someone from his life that he had a good time with and moved on.
I agree with that_girl. The right person will cause you to chose that person.
I had a friend who was dating a guy, but constantly wanted to go out with her friends and party. He was ready to settle down and get serious, and she wanted to have fun. She claimed to love the guy, but her actions said otherwise. Eventually they broke up. Three months later she meets another guy and was engaged within a year. She commented later that she knew this guy was the one because she almost always chose him and he chose her. She would have a GNO and call it early so she could get back to him. That told her something.
People fall in love. There is no avoiding that. We are emotional and sexual beings, so falling in love is inevitable. The common problem is we too often allow love and emotions to rule over our good and common sense. You have the good sense to know you are selfish and that the two of you are essentially incompatible. You broke up, and now you feel bad about it, but that, again, is just the emotions that follow breaking up. It's the usual grieving process we go through when we experience a sense of loss.
You know you did the right thing. You can promise to try and change for her, but your common sense tells you not to lie, knowing you will never live up to that. Give yourself some real time - like a few months - to sort your feelings from a logical, less emotional, perspective. And even then, don't decide or promise to do anything you don't feel comfortable doing.
Well said. Thank you for these words. Whenever I get an urge to call or am reminded of her, I re-read this to keep me going.
It just blows my mind that she was there with me pretty much every weekend for the past three years. That void is very tough to fill. I'm trying to stay as busy as possible and not think about it. This is going to be a long grieving process...
I agree with that_girl. The right person will cause you to chose that person.
I had a friend who was dating a guy, but constantly wanted to go out with her friends and party. He was ready to settle down and get serious, and she wanted to have fun. She claimed to love the guy, but her actions said otherwise. Eventually they broke up. Three months later she meets another guy and was engaged within a year. She commented later that she knew this guy was the one because she almost always chose him and he chose her. She would have a GNO and call it early so she could get back to him. That told her something.
Yes, I agree. It sucks because I know she gave it 110%. She invested EVERYTHING into our relationship. She wanted to make it work no matter what. Together, we were good 90% of the time. It was just that social aspect that always held us back, which was enough for me to realize things would't ultimately work out.
It does not sound to me like you were selfish. You tried to bring her into the group of your friends and family. That is a healthy thing to do.
You are an outgoing person who has a lot of longtime friends. She is a person who does not get along with others well. It does not sound like you were just out partying and leaving her out of that a part of your life.
There is no way the two of you can have a happy, healthy long term relationship. You would have to eventually give up most of your friends and family to keep her happy. It is emotionally unhealthy to give up one’s social connections to stay at home and isolated with a spouse all the time.
You did the right thing for the two of you. Down the road the disagreement between the two of you on this would completely destroy your relationship and love for each other.
8Likes
Break up after 3 years 
Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Cheers.
