General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
As someone who's done enough hiring of software developers, I couldn't care less if they had a tat on their foot. I might care if they were stupid enough to put it on their face or neck, but if I couldn't see it, I didn't care. And many professionals now do have some ink. I don't myself, but that's just my choice.
Love song - it's not a divorce her because she gained weight or dyed her hair. We've been through a lot and I DO love her.
The tat was I guess a catalyst for us. It made us talk more than we had in years and closer. She promised to get it removed and I believed her (stil do).
I know it's stupid, I know I should just 'get over it'. I've tried. Thing is, I'm just never been a fan and she knows that. I can't help that it makes me less attracted to her, it would to any girl with a tat. I guess the best way to put it is that she knew I wouldn't like it, but did it anyway. My options are to live with it or not.
I love her, I don't love walking around the house looking up all the time. One thing I have learned from TAM is that when all you do is give and give and give, all you get is taken. Maybe you're right it isn't the tattoo Posted via Mobile Device
Ok in that case I think your associating a lot of the problems in your relationship on this tattoo. Asking her to get a tattoo removal is not going to make your marital problems go away. You might work around your issues until it all boils over but it will not go away. Something else will come up in your life that will force you to deal with it.
I think you need to see a MC to see what really is the issue in your marriage so you can work on fixing things together.
I agree that the way she carried this out was inconsiderate. She should have just said I'm getting a tattoo because it's what I want to do with my body.
But to say he is going to divorce her if she doesn't get it removed says to me that he doesn't value her.
I can agree with some of what you say. The "it's my body" thing I cannot agree with though. To me that goes hand and hand with " it's my money" and " it's my weekend screw what you have planned". I mean it's my body I don't think I should subject it to a work environment anymore, so I'm going to quit. Sorry that argument holds no water.
ANL - it's not offensive at all. But she has had to cover it up a few times already (made a BIG deal about covering it up for my dads funeral)
I keep asking her what is she going to tell the kids when thay want tats at 16.... It's a bad example. Let's be honest and put 'PC' aside, employers really don't want inked employees. Posted via Mobile Device
Of course. I agree with you on the employer not wanting staff inked up. I have tatts all over me (sleeve etc) and cover them for work. I am not a delinquent and mine is a tricky position work-wise as grieving people don't tend to like to see tatts. But I still manage to cover them. And the fact is so did your wife out of respect. I do respect the fact that you don't like tattoos, but I hardly think your kids are going to turn into delinquents because mum has a tattoo or two. If your concern was because she was doing drugs or something of that magnitude in front of them, I would be behind you 100%. Besides, that's the glory of being a parent... you are allowed to say no to your children until they become adults.
So is it differences in opinion about raising the kids then, maybe coming to the surface?
I agree that the way she carried this out was inconsiderate. She should have just said I'm getting a tattoo because it's what I want to do with my body.
But to say he is going to divorce her if she doesn't get it removed says to me that he doesn't value her.
I value her very much. I understand and value your input (as well as everyone else), sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you ;-)
I dropped 40 lbs when it happened. I couldn't eat (sounds completely asinine compared to a lot of other stories here) I re-evaulated everything, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. We talked. We talked a lot. We caught up on 8 years of going through the motions after having kids. A lot of good came out of this, it did bring us together in a wierd way.
Thing is, she said she would get rid of it and made an excuse as to how she misunderstood my 'aversion' and wouldn't have gotten it without talking to me first. She went to a place for a eval (yeah, there was nudging on my part). Got pricing, how many treatmants, etc.
Yesterday she grabbed me and told me that I'll love her flip flops. Pulls up her pants leg and you can only see HALF of it. Posted via Mobile Device
Maybe she didn't tell you she was getting a tattoo because she wasn't originally going to? I used to run a studio and many were spur of the moment just cuz their friends were getting one. One girlfriend did, suddenly the 'support group' followed.
I can agree with some of what you say. The "it's my body" thing I cannot agree with though. To me that goes hand and hand with " it's my money" and " it's my weekend screw what you have planned". I mean it's my body I don't think I should subject it to a work environment anymore, so I'm going to quit. Sorry that argument holds no water.
I wasn't putting so much into what she said as much as her saying it knowing that her husband has a problem with it.
My point? She should have said something beforehand even if that meant she was calling from the tattoo parlor.
To me this isn't about tattoos; it's about the respect spouses owe each other. When you get married, your body isn't entirely your own anymore, so you shouldn't do things to your body that you know your spouse has a problem with like tattoos, piercings, shaved head, whatever.
Personally, I like tattoos, but my husband doesn't, so I would never get one because of my respect for him.
Having said all that, I think it would be a mistake to divorce over this. I hope you can find a way to work on the underlying issues.
I value her very much. I understand and value your input (as well as everyone else), sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you ;-)
I dropped 40 lbs when it happened. I couldn't eat (sounds completely asinine compared to a lot of other stories here) I re-evaulated everything, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. We talked. We talked a lot. We caught up on 8 years of going through the motions after having kids. A lot of good came out of this, it did bring us together in a wierd way.
Thing is, she said she would get rid of it and made an excuse as to how she misunderstood my 'aversion' and wouldn't have gotten it without talking to me first. She went to a place for a eval (yeah, there was nudging on my part). Got pricing, how many treatmants, etc.
Yesterday she grabbed me and told me that I'll love her flip flops. Pulls up her pants leg and you can only see HALF of it. Posted via Mobile Device
I don't think your picking on me just involved in the conversation.
Maybe she didn't tell you she was getting a tattoo because she wasn't originally going to? I used to run a studio and many were spur of the moment just cuz their friends were getting one. One girlfriend did, suddenly the 'support group' followed.
I could see that happening, she was there with her sis and mom. Still could have called me while she was picking ou her 'art'.
It's a bad situation for her. She got it with her mom and sis. She gets it removed, they will notice. She keeps it... I don't want to see it for the rest of my life. So yeah, she's going to have to decide. Posted via Mobile Device
To me this isn't about tattoos; it's about the respect spouses owe each other. When you get married, your body isn't entirely your own anymore, so you shouldn't do things to your body that you know your spouse has a problem with like tattoos, piercings, shaved head, whatever.
Personally, I like tattoos, but my husband doesn't, so I would never get one because of my respect for him.
Having said all that, I think it would be a mistake to divorce over this. I hope you can find a way to work on the underlying issues.
This was the point I was trying to make (failed miserably).
Divorce IS stupid over this. It really is. But it's been a year and a half. Halloween is not a happy time for me any more since that's the day it happened. Us? We're great, bout as good as we've ever been if not better. I just take the long view and have to admit, I don't want to see it for the rest of my life. Posted via Mobile Device
Divorce IS stupid over this. It really is. But it's been a year and a half. Halloween is not a happy time for me any more since that's the day it happened. Us? We're great, bout as good as we've ever been if not better. I just take the long view and have to admit, I don't want to see it for the rest of my life. Posted via Mobile Device
So does she care that this bothers you so much? I mean it must bother you quite a bit to consider divorce.
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Re: stupid tatoo rant 
