General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Your wife already had a tattoo so you weren't morally against them. She has no issues with it. It was probably a spur of the moment thing. It will cost big bucks to remove it. She might get an infection from the removal process. It will definitely leave a scar and/or discoloration. As for covering it, haven't you heard of socks and stockings?
You are considering divorce over this? Are you kidding me? This has nothing to do with her tattoo. Its a power struggle and you don't want to lose it. You complain and complain about her tattoo. And she in turn goes out of her way to show it off knowing it upsets you. You both need to reexamine your marriage and find out where each of you is lacking because you both sound like a couple of spoiled three year olds fighting over a moldy cookie.
If I could have been more eloquent, this is EXACTLY what I would have posted, Beowulf. I didn't know how to say 'smells like a control issue' without raising hackles.
Let me put it this way, and I've heard this sentiment echoed by men 30-50 yo, if a girl is a 9 and she gets a tat that doesn't make her a 10 it makes her an 8. It's like spaying graffiti all over a beautiful cathedral. Tattoos are a form of self multilation IMHO.
That's a pretty big generalization. Not all men feel that tattoos ruin a woman. I'm not saying putting a tatt on her will make her better looking. Doesn't work that way. But unless they are hideous, badly done tattoos, I can't see how it instantly makes her less valuable aesthetically to all men.
I see boob jobs and lots of other cosmetic procedures as self mutilation. Do you see eye to eye with me on that? And please don't tell me the A cup lady who swings round the corner with new double D's did it to feel better about herself or for herself. Let's be honest here, if she doesn't give herself a black eye with them, the neck strain will kill her.
...unless maybe she was doing the boy scout thing and being prepared in case of a boat capsizing? Personal floatation devices are the in thing this summer.
I don't even judge a person by their own tattoos let alone their spouse. There's a guy around who has, what I consider, an offensive tattoo. I don't like the tattoo but I don't judge him for it either. I figure it might be the leftovers of youth which he may have outgrown (though I'd probably modify it in that place!).
Lol. Ah, youthful folly. I agree. I don't like offensive tattoos- 'Aussie Pride' always makes me cringe in relation to the Bondi riots. It's just dredging up old issues and inciting racism. But most people don't get Aussie Pride just cuz they are proud to be Australian.
But again, you can put that down to stupid sh!t they thought was cool at the time when they were younger. Doesn't mean they are that same person now.
Anything I think someone could find remotely offensive (and they aren't offensive in the inciting sense, but may be seen as fantasy grotesque/creepy), I keep to the more covered parts of my body. Much like I wear clothes to make sure my ladyparts aren't hanging out in public where it isn't acceptable.
Let me put it this way, and I've heard this sentiment echoed by men 30-50 yo, if a girl is a 9 and she gets a tat that doesn't make her a 10 it makes her an 8. It's like spaying graffiti all over a beautiful cathedral. Tattoos are a form of self multilation IMHO.
Not to start a debate on the ethicacy of tattoos but you do realize that they were originally done to convey importance of Kings, nobles and shamans. They are still performed in many religious rituals. Its a personal decision and frankly one that should be respected. I wouldn't presume to question why a man has a beard or why a woman has chosen to shave her head. Frankly its none of my business and doesn't hurt anyone so what is the harm?
If my wife got cancer and lost her hair I wouldn't divorce her. If I was in a car accident and lost a limb she wouldn't divorce me. People's appearances can change over time. People's appearances can change due to circumstances. While I agree that physical attractiveness is extremely important I hold that its what is inside that really counts.
Not to start a debate on the ethicacy of tattoos but you do realize that they were originally done to convey importance of Kings, nobles and shamans. They are still performed in many religious rituals. Its a personal decision and frankly one that should be respected. I wouldn't presume to question why a man has a beard or why a woman has chosen to shave her head. Frankly its none of my business and doesn't hurt anyone so what is the harm?
If my wife got cancer and lost her hair I wouldn't divorce her. If I was in a car accident and lost a limb she wouldn't divorce me. People's appearances can change over time. People's appearances can change due to circumstances. While I agree that physical attractiveness is extremely important I hold that its what is inside that really counts.
A beard or shaved head is not permanent.
Lost hair to cancer or lost limb due to an accident is just completely different. Are you being serious even making that comparison?
Paying some stranger good money to permanently scar your own body with a tattoo that for many people is a momentary whim of youth under the influence of alcohol is completely different.
I dont get tattoos at all, and I don't want too.
That's fine if other people want to do that to their bodies.
But I understand the OP being disappointed that his wife did that.
I agree, with the poster who said it's like spraying grafitti on a cathedral.
If intimacy is lacking do you think she did it for herself to feel sexy? Maybe it makes her feel sexy? Maybe it wasn't a huge plan to 'defy' her husband as suggested?
I can understand him wanting to convey a conservative image for himself... but knowing his wife had a tatt on her backside when he married her kinda conveys to me he knew she had that 'naughty' streak. To impose the conservative image on his wife kinda seems silly.
People who have tatts on their bum tend to not be ultra conservative. I have ink everywhere but my backside, nether regions and boobs- and my ex did the work. The thought of any ink there was too naughty (lol) for me.
So essentially, as long as only the OP knows about that 'wild' streak (and it's not like she's wearing latex and f*ck me boots down the street or to pick up the kids), it's ok by him. But for anyone else to see his wife as anything other than a nun-like figure... he starts to freak out.
It's not like it's on her neck or face. She can cover it. If she got it to feel sexy and it makes her feel sexy and naughty and can't even feel sexy at home with it uncovered... then it backfired for her. He knew she was given to impulse (which, essentially is what a tiny butterfly tatt on her @ss is... cuz I'll bet my bottom dollar that was a spur of the moment thing) when he married her and then expects her to live like a nun (yep, nuns don't "corrupt" children, mark their bodies with tatts OR have sex either).
A tattoo doesn't change who you are. This particular one doesn't get in the way of that smile he found so charming when they met. She can cover it to keep up her good girl image in public. Unless they wrote it into their vows that she would never again get one after marrying him- it's over reaction because he can't control what she did. And it furthers the control issue cuz he demands she remove it and she hasnt. She has *gasp* a will and mind of her own, as well as wants. She did it without asking for his permission like a child. She's not banging heroin into her arm for God's sake. Smells like control.
OP, if you think it's ugly now, wait til she gets it removed. I guarantee you will hate the ugly scarring 10 times more.
I don't mind tattoo's, but that's my personal opinion and not the same as the OP's. He doesn't like them, and he doesn't have to.
I tried to think of something about my husband I would really, really dislike him doing to himself to the point where it would turn me off. And then if I told him that, and he went ahead and did it anyway how would I feel? I would feel that my opinion as his partner wasn't valued, and he really didn't care what I thought or if I was attracted to him anymore.
This is where I think the OP is coming from. I do understand. It's not about tattoo's. It's about compromise in a relationship. Yes everyone owns their own body, but I personally take into consideration what my husband likes and doesn't like, and vice versa. Do I reflect on him? Absolutely. We're a team. I would override my desire for something I wanted done if it was something he really, really didn't like. I would make that choice for him as his wife to show my love and respect to him as my husband, who supports, loves and provides for us. There are different scenario's if he was constantly being unreasonable or controlling, or it was a burning desire I'd had for 25 years. But in this case, I don't think it's any of those things.
That goes both ways tho. Even if my H wanted to do something...and ya, I can't imagine what either... that I really really don't like.... I still have to think, it's his body. He sure is going to look stupid, but that's on him.
Well, that's a pretty crappy way to look at things. In my experience, opinions like that are usually held by small minded town gossips. So I genuinely hope that the above statement can't truly be what you believe, CantePe? Or are you just stating a generalization? While everyone is entitled to their own opinion, to judge a person's partner for their actions is ridiculous. That would be like blaming the betrayed party for their spouse's cheating. I only ask for clarification for you point of view, not to attack you.
It wasn't me who said that...I have 6 tattoos... I quoted the person who said that. lol
No worries, it actually made me giggle because it's the last judgement I'd ever make. It would be like the pot calling the kettle a different shade of paisley from it.
Not a problem, I figured it was just a misunderstanding.
I think another poster (sorry didn't catch the user name) is correct. Tattoos are so common place now a days that even the corporate world have come to accept them. The minority is seems are the ones who dislike them these days.
I attended a lunch-n-learn seminar last week where a corporate speaker cited recent surveys that show that 3/4 of corporations still have rules prohibiting tattoos in visible places, within certain job roles where people meet suppliers/customers, and it is nearly a universal prohibition in higher paying positions. Notable exceptions are software firms, or more modern, less traditional companies. In my company, where there are about 125,000 employees overall, you just can't exceed a certain salary grade (about $90,000/year) with visible body art, other than earrings. The lighthearted comment in the session was that if you see visible body art, you can guess the person's salary cap.
My opinion, however, is that I cannot really see how this should be such a wedge issue in a marriage, or how either of them would allow it to be.
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