General Relationship DiscussionAlthough anyone can post anywhere on Talk About Marriage, this section is for people interested in general relationship and marriage advice.
Our relationship wasn't much to speak of. Once a week, maybe, we'd go out, have drinks, and screw. Kept that up for a few months. I liked her well enough that I wanted to give her something to look forward to in a week, and hell, I was getting laid. I was always good to her, but maintained emotional distance, because I knew I didn't want to be involved in a serious relationship with her.
Now she's pregnant. Twins, in fact. She didn't mention that she wasn't on birth control, and I didn't ask, stupid on both ends. I plan to be there, and be a father for these kids, but I'm having some serious reservations now about the mother. Things look different in hindsight, and I should have seen the warning signs before. Early in our relationship, like when we had only spent a sum total of around ten hours together, I told her I was involved with someone else (true, not cheating, she lives far away and we have an understanding about this sort of thing.) She cried a lot, about how this always happens to her, about how she let herself become vulnerable. I stayed with her that night because she didn't want to be alone. Then she wanted to stay friends, with benefits. If I didn't want to go out with her on the weekends, I would anyway because I knew that if I didn't, she'd just sit home at her sister's place.
I don't love this woman, or even really like her much anymore. I feel like she's been playing on my guilt to try and force me into a relationship that she knows I don't really want. After she told me about the pregnancy, I told her straight away that we're done. The twins are my flesh and blood, and I will not run out on them, but I'm not about to step into a bad relationship that's doomed to disintigrate. However, for the sake of the kids, I'm looking for an apartment with her (separate bedrooms), at least until they're old enough that we can move them around more. She's already trying to win me over again, and I know I'll just have to tell her off again.
Can I do anything to help her get over me? Is it even a good idea for me to get an apartment with her? Am I a total knob?
Well, thanks for that. I know I've screwed up a number of times in this mess, and I'm just hoping for some advice on how I can avoid screwing things up further. To that end, I'd prefer constructive commentary. Maybe the internet was the wrong place to go for that.
Your degrees of knobitude are high, grasshopper. Starting with sticking your unwrapped **** in someone you don't really know. Compound that with no checking on who's taking ownership of birth control, and continuing a relationship so she has something to do...
I think you should do some reading on codependent relationships, as you're about to embark on an 18+ year journey. You seem to need someone to "fix", and she needs to be fixed. In more ways than one, apparently...
If it was my, my first step would be to talk to a lawyer and find out what your legal obligations are, and your rights. And investigate paternity tests. No sense taking on trouble that isn't really yours. Then make sure you can at least meet your obligations. Finally, figure out which of your rights you'd like to enforce. Keep in mind that the status quo is often the basis for future negotiations. So don't expect you can demand a 50/50 custody split when the kids are 6 if you give up your rights now.
When she gave me the news, she had already made the decision to keep them, and I'm not about to be the guy that tries to talk her out of it. I've always been pro-choice, but having seen the two of them at the ultrasound, I can't even imagine getting an abortion anymore. These kids are happening, and I intend to be the best father I can for them. This is really more about how I can convince the mother to look elsewhere for a romantic relationship instead of wasting her energy on me.
Getting an apartment with her is likely a bad move then... Again, talk to a lawyer, find out what your rights and obligations are. Then do what you need to do to enforce your rights. A 2 bedroom apartment for you and the kids would be a good start.
I'm anti-abortion; I wouldn't suggest it. She's pregnant, which means the next nine months are going to be very emotionally charged for her.
You should have used birth control, as you know, but nothing can be done now. I don't think you should move in. That's going to give her false hope whether she verbalizes it or not.
Are you sure you're the father?
Do not talk yourself into having a relationship with her. You will end up miserable and so will the kids.
All you can do now is make it crystal clear to this woman that you do not love her and a relationship is not going to happen. Then be a terrific father to those kids; they're innocent.
You are one of those guys that gives insecure women just enough to hang on. You want her to leave you alone for a committed relationship? Stop giving her false hope. The moving in together thing is just giving her mixed signals.
Big Boy Rules Apply. If you step up and follow them, you are a worthy man.
Get her a place to live now.
Pay for it. Live there or not, but based on what you are saying, I'd say not. Pay for it anyway. That is what responsible adulthood is about.
Be there for the birth, regardless of the circumstances. They are your children, and are truly a gift from God.
Plan on writing checks for 19 years. Maintain that place for your children, even if you don't like the mother. Keep room for them to come to live with you over the next 24 years, as needed. Encourage it. If you are there for the birth, believe me, you won't regret it...
Make the best of what you view as a bad situation by doing your utmost to be the best father you can be to those twins for the rest of your life.
I suspect you will learn like the rest of us that children are the best kept secret in life. Enjoy the hell ouf of them. 18 years will pass much faster than you think it will!!
I don't want to pay for your kids, so don't ask LOL, but man I wish I could have more little ones. I miss them... Well, maybe not the midnight feedings. I'd change diapers 20X/day to have a little one around (as long as it wasn't from my 14 or 17 y/o right now....)
Its your mistake....
If you were not in serious relationship with her then why you did not think about the result?
Now, you are asking to help her...! why?
Those babies need a real dad not just a dad....So, move away and let her decide......
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Re: The woman I don't love is pregnant
As an adoptive parent, I can say, there are options where the children have loving parents. That's your and her decision, but it is a decision that responsibly should be at least considered. The number of parents trying to adopt is much larger than people realize. Some of them cannot have biological children, and some can. In some cases open adoption is possible.
You can't talk her into it or out of it. It has to be her decision, but it is an extremely emotional time for her right now (and for you, too). These are the things that adoption counselors can help with. The counselor will not own the decision - that will be up to you, and her - but they can help you walk through the emotions to the reality of child rearing and what is best for the children. That can help make the decision that you can live with in the long term, whether that decision is to keep the children, or change their destiny by placing them into a different kind of home.
I think it is something that has to be responsibly considered.
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I was involved with someone else (true, not cheating, she lives far away and we have an understanding about this sort of thing.)
I would like to know what 'alternate reality' this other woman lives in where you have an understanding about
* having uncommitted/UNPROTECTED sex with other women
* you get another woman pregnant
* you consider moving into an apartment with pregnant woman to be near your 'children'
* you will be raising your children by another woman
All I can say about your 'understanding' girlfriend is...WTF?
Get a paternity test.
Don't move in with pregnant woman.
See an attorney.
Get checked for STDs.
WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM, WEAR A CONDOM
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The woman I don't love is pregnant 
